Reading Reviews for On Top of the World
  
11 Reviews Found

Review #1, by adluvshp I

26th September 2013:
Hey! Here for review tag =)

This was a very sweet and adorable little one-shot. I enjoyed the image of two small children - Teddy and Victoire - pretending to be king and queen and dancing and fighting dragons and such. It put a smile on my face. Your descriptions were simple yet intricate and I liked that.

The ending was bittersweet which I also enjoyed - would have been kind of cliche if they had ended up together. I did like the reminiscing of Victoire though and how she hoped that Teddy would remember those times. It was believable.

The only CC I'd give you if any is that the ending segment was a bit redundant. It's like you were saying the same thing over and over again in different ways. I'd suggest polishing it a bit if you edit. Including more detail of the scene surrounding them could help - since the imagery in the first segment was pretty good.

Apart from that, this made for a very nice read and I liked it. Your grammar was okay, it flowed smoothly, and the writing style was interesting. Good job!

9/10
Cheers!
AD
(AditiDraco95)

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Review #2, by writeyourheartout I

24th September 2013:
Hi Leslie! I've come to review your story! Yay! ^.^

First off, I just have to say that this was so lovely. It was simple and sweet and just a very nice read.

One thing I loved was the way you wrote Victoire and Teddy, both as individuals and their relationship with one another. You captured their young, childhood innocence perfectly. I usually cringe when I read stories that have young kids being cute together, because the dialogue is usually just so... cringe-worthy! Ugh! hahaha I don't know how else to say it! It's usually far too corny and a bit annoying, honestly! And I understand that the author is trying to make the kids seem either young or a bit more mature for their age, but a lot of the times the kids either seem too young or too old or I just hate them so much for a million other reasons! LOL My actual point here being that I think you've done a wonderful job at capturing their age and their freedom and their innocence without being unrealistic or corny or even slightly cringe-worthy! I don't remember the last time I felt that way after reading young children in a fanfic! So thank you! You've restored my faith in stories with children! hehehe

The overall idea of the story was really wonderful as well. It's simple and straightforward, but I think almost anyone could read this and relate to both the childhood fantasies and the growing up and away from that part of themselves; trying to balance the past and the future. It made me very nostalgic, which is a great feeling for an author to evoke in their reader! Kudos!

All of that said, however, there were a few grammatical things here and there that I thought I'd share!

""I've got him!" shouted Teddy, brandishing a small branch; (comma, not semicolon) which was really a magnificent, gleaming silver sword with jewels encrusted on the handle." - This sentence is a bit wonky, mostly because of your use of the word 'really' when describing the sword. Because, 'really' - as in 'in actuality' - it IS a branch, not a sword. I think it would read smoother and make more sense if it said something like "shouted Teddy, brandishing a truly magnificent, gleaming silver sword with jewels encrusted on the handle, which in actuality was just a small branch." You could also try taking out the 'really' and replacing it instead with something like 'which to Teddy and Victoire was playing the role of a magnificent, gleaming...' etc. Does that make sense? I still understand the meaning you're trying to convey, it's just sort of awkwardly phrased because it's saying the opposite of what's actually real versus what's imaginary.

"Then the music they would dance to *was (would be, not was) only that of classics, (semicolon, not comma) those of which would have put Teddy to sleep if he had not been twirling Victoire *around in circles and moving her *around (through, not around, so it doesn't repeat) the grass beneath their feet, which was really marbled tile flooring." - This sentence does the same sort of thing as the last, in which you say the tile floors are what's real and the grass is what's fake, when it's actually the other way around. I know it's meant to be real in their imaginations, so it's sort of justified, but both sentences just sounded a bit wonky to me, so I had to at least point them both out! Obviously feel free to ignore me completely! ^.^

"The blue, cloudless sky (that) stretched far above their tiny figures *was a (replace 'was a' with 'would transform into a') ceiling with an extragravant (Sp: extravagant) chandelier in the centre. All around them walls enclosed them in the grand ballroom as they danced beneath the sun with laughter in their eyes and joy in their hearts." - Love the end of this second sentence, but the beginning of it with the two 'them's sounds a bit repetitive. Maybe try something instead like "Gorgeous, towering walls enclosed them on all sides in the imaginary ballroom..."

One question I did have was about the Muggle fairytale reference (which I really liked, by the way!). So, if Fleur's mother was half-Veela/half-witch and her dad was a wizard (I think?), how does she know Muggle fairytale's at all? Not that it's impossible, of course, but I think considering Fleur's background, maybe you should have added a line about why Fleur knew Muggle fairytale's in the first place, seeing as she's the one telling the stories to Victoire. Certainly not a deal-breaker, but it did strike me as curious! :-p

There were a few other small things here and there, but honestly, the story overall was just so lovely that the little errors hardly took away from it. :)

The ending is so very bittersweet! And very relateable. I think everyone has a hard time growing up without feeling nostalgic, longing for what once was. Part of me wanted to say that just because she's graduated Hogwarts doesn't mean she has to suddenly jump into full-blown adulthood! But then I think of myself after all the big moments in my life and how each time I said something along the lines of 'Now it's time to be this new and improved version of me!' We have these naive ideas that just because we've finally graduated high school or have finally stopped being a teenager or whatever else, that from here on out we will be more of this and less of that, like we can just leave who we are fundamentally behind simply because we've surpassed a big moment in our life. And maybe you can go for a little while believing that you've taken a huge step forward, but only time and the wisdom gained from that time will teach you that who you were in your past is part of you forever; that being an adult doesn't mean you have to give up the fantasies; that there is a way to grow up without losing yourself. I like to think that Victoire will grow to learn the same thing.

So basically I really, very much so enjoyed this. Just a very sweet, nostalgic, and innocent story. Great job, Leslie! ^.^

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Review #3, by marauderfan I

30th August 2013:
Hi there! I'm here from Puff review tag!

I really loved this piece. It's so very realistic in your portrayal of childhood and growing up and it was such a pleasure to read. I like me some fluff stories, but this was so much more.

My favourite paragraph was when they slay the dragon: "I've got him!" shouted Teddy, brandishing a small branch; which was really a magnificent, gleaming silver sword with jewels encrusted on the handle.
That is childhood in a sentence. I love the way the stick is actually a gleaming sword, not the other way around. Because that's the way you see the world when you're a kid and your imagination runs wild. And you've really captured that in this short section!

And the second section, that's wonderful as well. Everyone looks back at the good old days when everything was simple, with fond memories, and this was just so natural to read. Also, I'm really glad that you separated Vic and Teddy at the end but they're still friends. I feel like all HP couples tend to get together when they're 16 and then stay together for life, which sadly is not the way it works in the real world and this just felt so realistic. Bravo on this story, I'm glad I read it!

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Review #4, by Moonyxluna I

14th March 2012:
Hufflepuff review tag!

Oh my god! This was the warm and fuzzy feeling to the max! I think I said awwhh with every other sentence I read. Fluff is just the greatest thing in the world :) I really liked how you portrayed them at a young age not understanding what their parents ment by marriage in the future. The innocence of a child is such a lovely thing to

It was a bit sad to hear that Teddy was with someone else in the end, but I think with the way you (very brilliantly) wrote this peice, it worked for the pair of them. It brought a very real sense to the story, showing that, unfortunatly, sometimes things just always aren't meant to be.

Rambling aside, I really loved this. Brilliant work! Oh, and I love that song, long live. Taylor Swift is fantastic!

(moonyxluna, hufflepuff)

Author's Response: Thanks so much! I'm really glad you enjoyed it and thought I portrayed their child innocence well. I'm always hesitant when it comes to writing children because it's so hard to get their mind and thoughts to seem like something a child would be thinking. I find teenagers/young adults easiest to write, but then again that's simply because I remember more about my teen years and being in my early twenties as a young adult that's the freshest in my mind so that's why I tend to stick with writing characters of those age groups. But yeah, anyway, thanks!

And Taylor Swift is a wonderful musician. I get inspired by the majority of her songs; for instance, I wrote a one-shot (Breathing Underwater) that her song 'Breathe' inspired me to write. Thanks again!


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Review #5, by Snoopy I

7th March 2012:
That was a really sweet and really cute and well thought out one-shot. This made my heart flutter with happiness and made me remember the times I used to play like that in my backyard with my younger sister when we were the tender ages of 7 and 5. This touched me and made me remember the good old days :) Thank you for writing the magnificent peice of writing with a single error all thats to your beta reader.

Snoopy from the Hufflepuff review thread

Author's Response: Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it and I was thrown back to the days when I played with my own younger sister in the backyard because we spent all our afternoons outside until dark. So many memories. And another coincidence, my sister and I are two years apart, as well. Thanks again!

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Review #6, by MajiKat I

17th September 2011:
hey darling, here to review for the exchange.

that was really lovely. it was so sweet and innocent and i loved the narrative voice - it was slightly detached but not so much so that you lost interest, if that makes any sense. you didn't force us to feel anything but you showed us a glimpse of them.

i had this wonderful image of two kids running around a backyard playing, and the first section held such a peaceful feeling. i like it when people write teddy and vic as children - there is none of the pressure to make anything more of it than a friendship, and i loved that, in the end, you broke with custom and left them separate but with her still yearning for what was.

Kate xx

Author's Response: Aw, thanks, Kate! I'm glad you felt the innocence I tried to invoke in this one-shot and enjoyed it. I really wanted to show these two as children because I can seem them playing together since they're two years apart.

Yes, I don't really find it plausible that these two would end up together in the end. I like Ted/Victoire, but I much prefer reading them broken up than actually making it through and lasting. I see Teddy with an OC, rather than one of the Weasley/Potter girls as so often in fanfic he's paired with. I just don't think he'd fall for one of the girls since for some reason I see him as thinking of all of them as family. And who in their right mind (or even an insane one :P ) would date a family member? No one, that's who. Anyway, thanks so much for the lovely review! :D


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Review #7, by BKL8008 I

19th March 2011:
I generally run when I see "Fluff", but the banner got my attention. Very nicely done. Short, but capturing all the important things in just enough detail to remind one of the better years gone by.

Author's Response: Thanks so much! I'm so glad that you liked it despite the fact you don't normally like fluff stories! And that banner is gorgeous, isn't it? I still find myself staring at it when I open up my author's page... I have to tear my eyes away from my computer screen. Bahah, thanks again for the review, I really do appreciate the feedback! (:

-hugs- Leslie


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Review #8, by ericajen I

3rd March 2011:
Hello, hello(:

I really liked this! Teddy/Victoire always gets to me, and I especially love the fluffy one-shots of them. They're just so cute. Anyway, I thought the idea for this was absolutely adorable. I always loved pretending to be a princess or a queen when I was little and who doesn't want a king to go with that?

The imagery was really great, as well. What stick with me most was the instances of "a small branch; which was really a magnificent, gleaming silver sword with jewels encrusted on the handle" and others phrases like that. It really shows the imagination not only of Teddy and Victoire but also of the piece as a whole.

Also, props on not having them be together in the end. I mean, we all love a good get together in the end, but it's nice to see a change from that sometimes. Extra props for having Victoire not be upset about it. It wouldn't have fit at all with the feeling of the story if it had ended with sadness and at first I was like "OH NO IT'S GOING TO BE RUINED!" but then it wasn't. It was a perfect ending.

Great story! Very enjoyable.

Erica.

Author's Response: Aw, thanks Erica! I'm glad you enjoyed this short, fluffy one-shot of mine. It kind of morphed on its own when I was listening to Taylor Swift's "Long Live" for the umpteenth time. And I thought the imaginary would be great to describe to remind readers of how children loved to play make-believe, or at least I did. It seems anymore kids now a days are inside watching television and playing video games, so uncreative. But I'm so glad to hear you were the same way and was able to relate to the writing in this piece.

And of course they couldn't end up together, and of course Victoire had to be content and happy regardless. It didn't work out, it's not the end of their friendship, nor does it erase the memories that they shared together as they grew up in each other's company. Gah, I suppose I've rambled off enough. Anyway, thanks so much for the wonderful review! I really do appreciate it! :)

Thanks!
Leslie -hugs-


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Review #9, by Indigo Seas I

27th February 2011:
Ah, Leslie. :)

Well, this was heart-warming, to say the least. It's adorable and fluffy and I think it has that common aspect of relate-ability. Anyone can look at this and say, "I've been there." Because, in a way, we all have. So looking back over this and reading it was just lovely, because the reader can totally imagine being there themselves.

And your characterizations are just as good as they always are, my dear. I can see two little kids running around and I can ALSO see two fully grown adults. The ability to jump time like that while still seeing the characters is lovely. So, kudos to you for that.

Lovely, as always. :) Your writing is heart-warming and adorable and fluffy and I just want to squish it all day long.

xx Rin

Author's Response: Aw, thanks Rin! I'm glad you liked my characterizations of Victoire and Teddy and found it easy to relate to. That's precisely what I was going for, a fun piece that could have readers thinking back on their childhoods while at the point in their lives where it is time for them to put fantasies/dreams behind them and grow up. This is saying, as does the Taylor Swift's song "Long Live" that even if you have to grow up, it's okay to remember and cherish those times you spent playing make-believe and such as a child. Or at least that's how I interpret the meaning behind that song. :P

Anyway, enough rambling, thanks so much for the lovely review!

xo Leslie


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Review #10, by PenguinsWillReignSupreme I

11th February 2011:
Hi Leslie! I'm so sorry this took so long for me to get to. When I'm on a writing binge, I don't seem to be able to find the time to sit down and review. However, whilst I'm mulling over the next chapter of what I'm writing, I thought I'd clear out my thread.

I'll just run through some of the usual bits and bobs.

Flow

This is what you asked about so we'll start here. Firstly, I think it'll be worth casting your eyes over this again. The tenses are a bit skewy, especially in the second section. It alternates between past and present in places it shouldn't. I also found the transition between the two sections a little difficult to wrap my head around so maybe try and differentiate between the two scenes - up the spacing between them, put one in italics, use a line break, any of those will work to make the distinction stronger. Similarly, some semi-colons in strange places (the very first one used is a prime example) that disrupt the flow of the story quite significantly. They make the reader pause in odd places and it's not especially smooth.

Characterisation

They're so cuteee. I loved playing those games - as I'm sure many people did - with my friends as a child. On the playground at school, we used to make the boys be the horses for our carriages and all sorts. This brought back all those lovely memories.

I think it's really easy to get people to relate to the characters in this. Looking back when you're older on your earlier friendships is always so wonderful, and also a bit bittersweet. I like how Teddy and Victoire's relationship was just a fling and the fact that they've grown apart a little is really sad and made my heart twinge a bit for them.

I like how their families matter little. There's not even a mention of another Weasley. It's just them and it's gorgeously adorable.

Erm...

Okay, I think that's all I can say really. Because it's so short, I can't add much else. It was really very sweet and fluffy and just a lovely short one-shot. If you sort out those little grammar issues that messed up the flow, I think it'll be just right.


xx

Author's Response: Rachel! That's quite alright, I understand how it gets when reviewing seems like a never-ending task and all you want to do is write or do other things instead. (:

On to responding to your critique on tenses, I actually meant to switch from past to present as I was trying something a little different, but I can go back over this and smooth it all out as the last thing I want is for this to be a rough read. And I think I was just on a writing high of being inspired by every little thing when I sat down and pumped this one-shot out.

I'm glad you still liked it, though, and appreciate your feedback as always. Thanks, lovely! XD


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Review #11, by Cedrics Blueyed Girl I

18th January 2011:
Aw, Leslie. This was so bittersweet. I love Teddy/Victoire but for some reason, I feel like this was the only one I ever read that didn't have a fluffy, happy ending. Despite my unhealthy love of fluffy, happy endings, though, I really did like this. You did a fabulous job depicting them as King and Queen when they were younger, and of showing where they ended up years later.

Good job with this, lovely :)

~ Alex

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the lovely review, Alex! I'm glad you enjoyed this cute, fluffy one-shot that kind of morphed and exploded into a word document of its own accord in a matter of half an hour. (: hugs.

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