This is AditiDraco95 from the forums with the review you requested for!
Firstly, I'm totally sorry for not being able to respond to your request earlier!! Really!!
Now coming back to the review,
It was a simple and sweet chapter and I liked reading it. Although the nature of Hannah and Susan was quite shocking, Hufflepuffs wouldn't surely act that way, but then maybe the war did mess things up!
You have brought out the character of Astoria and Daphne nicely and the flow and writing structure is good enough as well.
One suggestion: make your story a bit more descriptive. Since its a one-shot, there wouldn't be any other chaps coming up to explain anything more, so make this chapter as descriptive as possible. I'm not telling you to cram every little thing in this chapter so that it bores the reader, just make it descriptive enough to let the reader get involved with the characters.
For example, when you say, Justin was standing right beside Ernie, you could make Daphne think about Justin. Like you know, describe his looks, his personality and stuff.
And maybe include a bit more of dialogue.
Rest all was good.
Hope I was of help!
Operation: Green with EnvyAuthor's Response: Hey! :) I'm very sorry for only responding now. I have no idea what took me so long :S
I'm glad you liked the chapter overall. As for Hannah and Susan - I agree, behaviour like that isn't really expected from Hufflepuffs, but just the previous year, there was a war, and Daphne and Astoria are Slytherins - who were mostly evil and on Voldemort's side. So normally, Hannah and Susan wouldn't behave like this, but when faced with a Slytherin (or two), they might just lash out.
Thanks! It's good to hear that the characterisations and such seemed good enough :)
Oh, yes. Someone else also suggested that, so I think it's a bit of a problem indeed. I'll try to work on that, thanks for pointing it out :)
Thank you for your review! :) Report Review
Hi, electricfeel here with your requested review :)
Firstly, I really loved how you showed it from the Slytherin's point of view and how they were prejudiced against due to the war. It's not something I tend to come across a lot in stories but it's very likely that this attitude remained after the war. So I really enjoyed that aspect of it.
I think you managed to capture the young, teenage girl in love with someone she feels she shouldn't be. It was believable despite it being quite an odd ship. And I enjoyed your characterisation of Astoria, she seemed intelligent and her friendship with Daphne was endearing. It's nice to see any of those characters written in a postive way, they don't tend to be very often.
I would have liked if you had included a little more description. Setting the scene can really help bring your writing to life, and not a lot of descriptions are really needed. Just a little would be enough :)
You did handle the inner monologue quite well, it did seem to flow into an almost constant stream of thoughts. It was well done.
Overall, it's a story with a lot of real potential. I actually really liked the ship and thought you handled your characters well. There's just something missing. Adding a little description perhaps could help as well as developing the characterisation of your minor characters a little more.
Anyway, I hope this review helped :)Author's Response: Hi! Thank you, and I'm very sorry for taking so long to respond.
That's good to hear, thanks! It was... definitely something else to write as well. And I think you're right, such an attitude can't be changed just by losing a war.
I'm glad you think that was believable :D Thank you! And it's great to hear you liked Astoria too - you're right again, characters like her don't often get portrayed in a positive way (I know I'm guilty of that myself).
Okay, thanks! I feel like my fics are either dialogue-heavy or description-heavy, but never somewhere in between. So thank you for pointing that out :) I'll try to work on that.
Thanks, I'm glad you liked the inner monologue as well :) It's good to know it wasn't too choppy or anything.
Thank you for all your kind words :) I'm very glad you liked it, even though something's missing :) And yes, the review was very helpful!
Thanks a lot for your review! Report Review
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