story seems pretty intriguing !!! update soonAuthor's Response: Thank you for the review and I will! Report Review
this is sooo funny! I love Marilyn! I actually love Demeter as well :P Al and his green eyes! yummehh ;P heh. Chase is an idiot. but I can't wait to see what happens next! :DAuthor's Response: I love all my characters, even the ones that are idiots :) And considering I also have green eyes, they are most definitely yummy haha. And I'm about two thirds (or so) through writing the next chapter. Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Chase is such a jerk, I hope Marilyn knocks him down a few pegs eventually. And Al is so nice in comparison, no wonder Marilyn doesn't have to worry about germs when it comes to him. I can't wait to see more of him soon!
Again, I really love this story. It's well written, clever, unique, hilarious, and the characters (especially Marilyn) are amazing. Hehe I can go on and on :) I hope you get to update soon!Author's Response: Well, how could Al be a jerk with Harry and Ginny raising him? Haha, he's fun to write, definitely my type of boy.
Thank you so much for all the amazing reviews, most people don't take the time because they don't realise how flattering it is. I'll update soon as I can! Report Review
Why am I not surprised that she talks to Dumbledor's tomb in her spare time? It's really nice that you included it the story, btw. This is the first time I saw it mentioned in a fanfic and I can imagine the students of Howarts talking about it and being superstitious about it.
I loved the part with Al too, I like him so far :D At first I thought he was the one who sent the note but that wouldn't really make sense. I like Demeter too...her story with Zambani is such a cliche.
I'm excited for the makeover now :)Author's Response: I had actually just reread The Half Blood Prince (my favourite) before I started this story and I had an idea about Dumbledore's tomb that wasn't even fully formed until I wrote it down.
It just seems weird to me that no one ever mentions it when it's right there, in the middle of everything. And yes, Demi is very much a cliche, but I love a nasty Slytherin like everyone else ;) Report Review
Oh my god, I love this story! It's going in a very interesting direction and we haven't even really met Albus yet. And I love Marilyn even more now :D How did you create a character as good as her? She's like a paradox in everything...the Gryfindor/Slytherin traits, the fact that she's a loner but still interacts with people normally and actually gets them to like her, and the fact that you wouldn't expect someone like her to be a Qudditch fanatic.Author's Response: I honestly just thought up this character in my head one day, went through a lot of changes and even more changes when I actually started writing the story.
She's a great character to write and I guess I was inspired by many different people around me and other characters from other stories too, which is usually how I create a character.
Sorry for the weird explanation, it's kind of hard to actually write it down :/ Report Review
Hahaha "Chase Zabini wasn’t going to seduce himself." was probably the funniest line I've ever read.
I really like Marilyn, she's very unique character wise. She's like a weird mix of Slytherin and Gryfindor...I can't wait to read more about her :DAuthor's Response: I did make myself laugh with that line and Marilyn is definitely a weird mix of something :/
i love the srory so far, she really funny.
Anyways cant wait for more :)Author's Response: Thank you for the review, I'm working on a new chapter right now! Report Review
Marilyn is the best Anti- Mary Sue ever and Albus is both mysterious and comfortingly similar to his father. I want more and I want it now! Please say that you do not have a life any longer and are continuing this story.Author's Response: Well thank you, thank you very much. She is most definitely anti-anything she can come up with so I'm sure Mari would be pleased to hear that.
Ooh, you have no idea how much that made me smile. I was always very partial to Harry when I was growing up and still am to this day so maybe it shows when I'm writing his (fictional) children.
Well, I won't have a life for the next four weeks, if that's comforting? After that I'm going to be pretty busy but even then I'm definitely continuing this story! Report Review
please write more! i like reading about mean (ish) people...Author's Response: Haha, I like writing about mean (ish) people and I'll probably have another chapter up by next week because I'm on holidays :) Report Review
Another great chapter. I am just fascinated with Marilyn's character. You really have done a great job with her.
I have really no criticism. I spotted a few mistakes but I really can't even remember them now, so they mustn't have been big. ;)
Great job! I will try to review the next chapter sometime today. If you haven't gotten it in within - say - 24 hours, come request again in case I forgot. ;)
DrueAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for the review! Marilyn is pretty great but honestly I can't take too much credit for her, seeing as she just appeared in my head one day and started spouting her usual crazy remarks.
You actually didn't review my next chapter but I don't mind, you're probably really busy. Thanks for reviewing this one! Report Review
So exciting! Hah, I can't wait for more!!Author's Response: I'll update soon! Thanks for the review. Report Review
"Chase Zabini wasn't going to seduce himself. Well, he might, but that wouldn't help me at all."
This looks really good so far! One thing, though, electronics go haywire at Hogwarts so how does she have a mobile?Author's Response: I did enjoy writing that line :)
Honestly, don't shoot me, but I didn't know that. Guess I'm not as big of a HP nerd as previously thought :/ I will be going back and editing that later on.
Thanks for the review! Report Review
Great story so far! Thanks for requesting a review. I'm really enjoying it and I really enjoy the humor.
"Call me Demi."
Really good stuff. You characterized this as romance, but if so the heroine would be an anti-hero. Everything in the story is fresh and believable.Author's Response: I looked up anti hero when I read this and I thought, yep, pretty much describes Marilyn to a tee.
She's definitely a lot of fun to write and I love writing her interacting with Demi.
Thanks for the review :) Report Review
Good chapter! Your humility when asking for the review was unwarranted. I have nothing negative to say about the story at all. And you are right about your main character giving the story something to make reading a romance worth it. :)
I love Mari's inner monologue. Very well done and you have just the right sort of humorous comments to make it playful and entertaining. I like the "IQ of a tele-tubby" bit. I get a "Legally Blonde" feeling from this, but in the good way, not the "oh this is so stupid" way. :)
I'm going to keep reading, though I may not leave any more comments unless I notice something different from what I've already mentioned here.Author's Response: Thanks very much! I like a bit of constructive criticism but if you can't find anything negative to say than I'm more than happy with that :)
I actually liked Legally Blonde, so thank you! I do enjoy writing more playful stories than angst ridden ones as a rule.
Thanks so much for the review! Report Review
Great job once again. I'm still finding Marilyn absolutely hilarious. The encounter with Albus was written really well and I also found it to be quite enlightening. There is a lot of Marilyn hidden beneath the surface. She seems to be hiding a lot of herself a way and doens't like people trying to look deeper. Hence her attitude, for some reason it seems like she is trying to keep people at a distance.
I liked the exchange between Marilyn and Demi. The conversation between the two of them seemed very realistic considering they don't particularity get along but ultimately have the same agenda.
Generally, spelling and grammar were really good. I did notice one thing though
'Plus I like to think that if he was still alive Dumbledore and I would have gotten along well.' = Plus, I like to think that if he was still alive, Dumbledore and I would have gotten along well.
Well done. You have made a very strong start to this story and have developed very strong characters. There is a fair amount of humour in the story too and I was chuckling on many occasions.Author's Response: I really, really enjoyed writing the exchanges between Mari and Albus and then Demi. It's always fun to write Mari interacting with people but especially with someone like Albus who she doesn't really understand. Which unnerves her immensely.
She does have a reason for being guarded but it's not a particularly dramatic one. It's definitely an interesting part of her character but she honestly doesn't have some tragic past that haunts her every waking hour.
I'm actually itching to go and change that as I write this, now that you pointed it out.
Thanks so much for the great reviews, they were fun to read! Report Review
Hehe. I love the ending. Marilyn is so well defined as a character that even the simply word of 'rope??' convey's so much. I could just see her writing that down, raising her eyebrow and contemplating all the possibilities. And to set that up in two chapters is not mean feat. Marilyn has been developed so well, her thoughts are very consistent and her personality traits of being, I believe, a self inflicted loner and crazy schemer are well done.
The other dorm girls were well characterised and contrasted nicely with Marilyn. Rose seemed very sweet and you could tell that Marilyn almost saw her as a friend. Their whole 'pack' mentality of ambushing her when trying to sleep was really amusing. Poor Marilyn, girls can be relentless.
The story flowed nicely once again and there were no major issues with grammar. Well done on another well written and amusing chapter.Author's Response: Thank you for the review! I honestly can't take much credit for Marilyn's character, or really any character I write, they just appear in my head and start chattering away at me. The 'rope??' part of this chapter was probably the only thing I've ever written that had me chuckling for a long time.
I think Mari respects Rose's intelligence and likes that she is not as frivolous as a lot of other girls appear to her. She probably is the closest thing Mari has got to a friend at the moment. Which is saying a lot. Report Review
This is such a cute little story! I love the Einstein quotes, as I'm quite the little science nerd myself. I like where this is going so far. I'll be watching to see when the next update is!
ColleenAuthor's Response: Thanks so much! I'm most definitely not a science nerd but I (probably unhealthily so) love Albert Einstein.
I hope you'll like the next chapter when it does come out! Report Review
Hahah oh man, what a chapter. All righty, I was definitely excited to get to the last chapter because I think you've definitely done a great job setting up some really original characters and some really original plot ideas.
First off, I loved the beginning of this chapter. It just adds to the insanity that is Mari and her thought process. Her voice is so very clear and defined that I think its a blessing and curse in disguise. I think that the blessing is that the reader has no trouble identifying her and relating to her insanity because we know exactly who she is. But if you go off kilter with her character or develop her oddly, the reader will notice and say something. That gives you very clear lines to write within which can stifle creativity. I hope that it works out well in your favor.
I loved the chapter image of Albus; he is quite hot. Who is that out of curiousity? I also really like your inclusion of those--I always enjoyed that dimension in stories when authors got around to requesting for some over at TDA or making them themselves.
Demi was ironically cliche yet fun to read about. Her general "Slytherinness B.A.ness" could have come across as very annoying but it came off as endearingly mocking. I think she is a character that the reader will learn to love/hate and to expect as a favorite element of chapters. I hope she plays a somewhat major role because I loved the banter between her and Mari.
Overall, I don't have much to point out for improvement; I just would more caution consistency as you continue to write. I know that sometimes writer's block can affect a story or the pacing gets thrown off by the groove of real life. Your story has set its own tone and originality so well now that I hope it doesn't lose it.
Best of luck and I'd love to read more. Feel free to re-request.
LMWAuthor's Response: I'm always a little bit hesitant in writing Mari, simply because she is so well defined within herself and people like her don't change all that often. Hopefully I can develop her character and show her going through changes without losing what makes her who she is.
Yes, Albus is pretty damn sexy. I'm really happy with that chapter image, it's probably my favourite. And that cutie is Tom Sturridge.
Demi definitely plays a major role, she's actually in the very first scene of the next chapter. Her and Marilyn are really alike in a lot of aspects but so different in others. Also, what's a HP fanfiction romance story without a bitchy Slytherin?
Hopefully I won't get lazy and slack off when it comes to consistency but I do really love writing this story so
I don't think I will.
Thanks so much for all the awesome reviews! They were really helpful and so nice to read. Report Review
Hi there, LMW from the forums with your requested review. I did actually have slots open but I haven't had the time or patience to update my review thread. Sidetracked--anyway, I was glad to pop over and read your story/review.
First off, your graphics are gorgeous and I always make a point to say that it helps to have visual aids to envision characters and their physical features.
Marilyn is quite the original character; I like her obsessive tendencies and I also like her brutal yet somewhat neurotic honesty. I also like how you created this mystery about your character with Jack. We now know that someone was attracted to her, that she got close to him in some way so she capable of the intimacy and that adds a depth that I think she otherwise could have lacked.
You are pretty straightforward from the beginning with your motivations and conflict which I think sets up a sort of high pace for your story. I encourage you to make sure that you match that pace otherwise it may seem like it is mismatched as the story continues.
I didn't see any major grammatical issues so kudos to you because that can be quite the bugger. Overall, for an introductory chapter, I thought you did extraordinarly well handling it. I think you established your OC well while still creating so sort of mystery. You also create mystery with your plot by introducing characters but not introducing characters if you catch my drift.
LMWAuthor's Response: Thank you for the compliments on my graphics, they were my first real attempt at making anything. Gwen Stefani isn't exactly how I picture Mari but her hair, eyes and jawline are pretty close.
Marilyn sort of popped into my head one day and wouldn't go away, which sort of sums up her character really. I was actually thinking about this the other day, I really needed to show that despite Marilyn's (really obvious) flaws she actually has emotions and such. Not that she'd ever admit it.
This is a romance story, after all, and the main character has to be capable of love.
I like a bit of a fast paced story, generally I get bored if a story moves really slowly and you have to wait forever just to get to the action. So I guess that shows through in my writing.
Thanks for the awesome review! Report Review
Hello, there! I'm here with your review as requested!
I think you have a great story coming along. It was short, so it was hard to get a firm grasp on what you have going on here, but it was enough to show me that yes, this will be a very good and interesting story!
You have me quite intrigued, and I can honestly say that I have never read a more original character than Marilyn! She is BRILLIANT! Absolutely brilliant. Her name and character is the complete enemy that Mary Sue would call the anti-christ. She is so original and wonderful! You introduced her in a brilliant way, and I like that you took the time to describe her character. Just getting to know your character was enthralling enough to make me want to read more. I have never read about a character here at HPFF who had two dads, and I think that makes for a nice change in the story.
This really was wonderful and original. I would love to continue reading, but I need to continue to empty out my queue at the forums, write a few chapters, and also work on my review queue at another forum. So, feel free to request the next chapter, and that means I can most certainly make time for it!
Great job. Really great.
-DrueAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review, and and all the kind words! Hopefully it will be a good and interesting story, at least that's what I'm trying to do.
A lot of people seem to like Marilyn's character, which makes me really happy because I like her too. I'm definitely glad she's a complete enemy of Mary Sue because believe me, I've written more than my fair share of those when I first started writing.
I was actually sort of inspired by Rachel Berry's character on Glee as for Mari's personality and her having two dads. I guess I also thought it would add an interesting element to the story and something more to her character.
Thanks for the great review, I'll definitely request you to review the next chapter! Report Review
Hello, ravenclaw_princess her to review
Well done on a really nice first chapter. I like Marilyn, she has some spunk to her, but you can also see that she has a few issues. She is also very quidditch obsessed. I love her internal monologue though out and she was enjoyable to read. There were a few places where I had to laugh .
I love the plan as well, even though James obviously is not too keen on the plan. I'm really looking forward to being introduced to Chase Zabini, this could get interesting.
The story flowed well and you gave enough back ground of Marilyn to know where she is coming from without weighing the reader down. I also like how you immediately cut to the action with James in the locker room.
Grammatically, I noticed no spelling errors or punctuation errors so well done. Two things I will comment on though is
1) "mental capacity of a tele-tubby". I would always try to keep comparisons to wizarding things, unless it is from a muggle born. It just keeps everything a little more authentic.
2) I have major issues with the use of a mobile phone as muggle technology doesn't work in Hogwarts. I would suggest coming up with your own sort magical contraption. there are camera's that work in Hogwarts because Colin Creevey had one.
Apart from those two things though, I really liked how this story started. It was written really well and it was quite humourous in places too. Well done.Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review, I enjoyed reading it!
First of all, thanks for all the nice things you said, especially about Marilyn being a good character and how you found some things humorous. I'm also glad you didn't notice any spelling mistakes, I do dislike discovering those in any of my published chapters.
I didn't really want to give everyone Marilyn's life story, especially in the first chapter but there are still a few things I thought were imperative to her character that I had to introduce.
As for muggle technology not working in Hogwarts, I actually didn't know that! When I have the time, and can be bothered, I'll definitely go back and change that to be more authentic.
Thanks for the review! I really like writing this and even though I'm thankful for the reviews I get I still feel a bit let down that I don't get much feedback as it's always nice to have another opinion.
I write for myself but a bit of outside encouragement always helps things along! Report Review
i realy like this story :)
i also loved the part where she was talking to dumbledore :}Author's Response: Thanks for the review, I really liked writing that part :)
I'll will update soon, I promise! Report Review
Marilyn's hilarious! How could you dislike a girl that talks to Albus Dumbledore about his hats? Al Potter wasn't in this chapter for very long but he seems perfect so far.
I can't wait for the next chapter, which I hope is published soon.Author's Response: She is pretty funny and I can say that I do actually like her, but I'm not so sure about the people of Hogwarts :)
Al's pretty great, he's always been my favourite next gen kid to write.
The next chapter will be posted as soon as I get around to writing it! Report Review
You are such an amazing writer :)
plz write more i rlly enjoy them
Author's Response: Thanks so much! I'll be writing the next chapter as soon as I have time and inspiration :) Report Review
I really like this story - and this chapter with Marilyn talking to Dumbledore really cracked me up!
Good work & please update soon :)Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! Writing Marilyn talking to Dumbledore really cracked me up :) Report Review
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