Hello, sorry for the wait.
I really like this story. I think that your Rose is unique in that's she seems normal. When most people write Rose, she's either very smart, or very wild. I like that she's neither. She's also a bit awkward, but it's not overdone.
In general, you have great characters. Again, I think it's great that Scorpius is a Ravenclaw- he's normally written as a Slytherin. I do have to wonder a little bit about Rose's school like. I know this is only the first chapter, but you don't mention her friends or anything.
Your spelling and grammar seems fine to me. As does your style. You seem to use the right about of description, not too little, not overboard. The style is very sophisticated, but still readable--it's nice.
This really was an enjoyable read. If you put the next chapter up and would like me to review that as well, just let me know in the thread. There's no need to fill out a form. I'd be happy to see where you take this--it has a lot of potential. Report Review
Hello, here for your review. I'm sorry it took me so long to get to this story. :)
This is a great start. I really like the mysterious atmosphere in this chapter. Even though you don't describe the setting, I feel like I know where this story is taking place.
Your descriptions are very fluid and are vivid without being over the top, so good job there. I think that at times,the sentences end up being a bit choppy, since you're telling what's happening from "his" POV. Some of the paragraphs are short, which is fine, but you have quite a few. (But that's just something I'm personally not too fond of).
I didn't see any spelling or grammar errors. Again, that's great!
Overall, I really am intrigued by this prologue. I can tell that you're setting up for a well thought out story. Report Review
Well done on another really well written chapter. You really do know how to string words together and there are some really lovely, descriptive sentences that just flow so well together. You seem to have a rather large vocabulary as there are words in here that I've never heard of before.
The story flows really well and the pace so far is ok. Maybe a bit on the slow side but i'm sure it will pick up as the story progresses. You have set the story up well though and given a fairly good feel for where the characters are at.
I'm a big fan of your characterisation. I love how Scorpius is so quiet, yet also so witty. You can tell that there is a lot of thinking going on in his mind, he just doesn't say it all. Rose is also delightful and I love her internal musings, esp about 'Nathaniel of the shiny hair'. That is a great name. They make a really interesting pair with their totally different personalities and I'm looking forward to seeing the dynamic develop between them.
Grammar and spelling seem to be pretty good and nothing immediately came to me while reading.
This looks like it is going to be a really interesting story. If you would like me to review any further chapters, leave a note with a link in my review thread. No need to fill out the whole form again. :D
ravenclaw_princess Report Review
Hello...ravenclaw_princess from the forums here with your review.
This is a rather intriguing and mysterious first chapter, however, a part of me wonders if it was maybe just a little too mysterious. I'm sure that everything will be explained in the end, but I kind of got to the end and was going...what??? It does leaving me wanting to know the answers though and keep reading which is ultimately what you want.
You have used wonderfully descriptive words that flowed together really well making lovely sentences. Just be careful though not to over do it and lose the story within the imagery. I did find myself reading a sentence several times to find out what was happening behind the words. The pace was also good.
Grammar wise, I didn't see too many issues. This is one I saw right at the end:
She had been his failing and none must ever know = She had been his failing and no one must ever know
This is quite nicely written and very descriptive and you have a good command of words. I think it makes a nice prologue as it's so vague in details and hints of the larger mystery of the story. Well done Report Review
Oh Kylie, this is wonderful so far. You deserve far more reviews. I was chuckling through this..Nathanial the shiny hair! What a title, lol! And Scorpius..I already love him. Especially when he caught her staring. I love the way he drives her crazy by doing nothing. Very amusing. I hope you update this soon!
-Lady Malfoy (from TDA) Report Review
hey, this is really good! i enjoyed reading it very much.
i like how rose and scorpius are their own (not typical!) characters and the way you describe their relationship, their history.
i'm looking forward to reading more, to learning more about rose, her friends, family, scorpius and his life.
the prologue makes me wonder, but i guess i'll just have to wait and see what that's about.
good work. thanks for sharing! Report Review
I love the character that you made of Scorpius. He's so quiet, and kind of reminds me of myself, but he's more mysterious. You are a fantastic writer! You're writing flows really well and is extremely smart. Please continue to write this story. It's brilliant. Report Review
I absolutely ADORE your Scorpius! He is so different, I believe too many writers like to write him up as a stero type and I personally believe he would act more like you have depicted him here. Quiet, polite and mature because of his family and their history. Rose is adorable in a very clumsy way but I believe many teenage girls are, and as you stated foot in the mouth. I can't wait to see more unfold! Update soon! Report Review
I'm a little excited about this story and what will happen to Scorpius and Rose. The beginning has already left me with questions how this chapter will affect them in the present. Is the wizard in this story happen to be Godric Gryffindor and the Mirror of Erised bear witness to the events that will set this story in motion?
Beautiful writing and update soon!Author's Response: All in good time :P I've already got the next chapter in the queue. Thanks so much for reading and I really hope you like what comes next. Report Review
awesome! i can't wait to read more!Author's Response: Thanks for reading :D Report Review
Mysterious. I didn't really get it, but I'm sure it'll clear up in the next chapter. Nice one. 6/10Author's Response: Well it's meant to leave a few questions, but all will be revealed as the story progresses :) Thanks for reading. Report Review
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