I like this one. It's ironic that I was writing a one-shot about a pregnant Narcissa :) You did pretty well, though I saw a few errors, but that's okay. Nice job :o

Author's Response: Haha thanks yeah I need to send this in with a beta then edit it :) thanks for,taking the time to read and leave me a LOVELY review.




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Very nice little piece you wrote. I quite enjoy Narcissa's view of the Dark arts and her motivation to think of them the way she does.
I also really like the portrait of her family you made; how they were and how they turned out. It was very well done.

What took a bit of my interest away though, is the quantity of gramatical errors and typos in this piece. Something this short shouldn't count so many of them; I would suggest having a beta read this because it is taking the reader's interest and attention away from the great content of your story. Here are a small number of things I noticed and chose to point out to you :

"... Will you turn me and your son into your precious master?"; I think you meant to write 'in to'

"Rodalphus"; RodOlphus

"The baby inside her was no kicking"; was 'now'

"Anger coursed through ever vein"; 'every'

I hope you won't think of this review as something bad, I simply wish to help you improve this story. It is already very good but could be better if it was cleaned up a bit.

Akussa

Author's Response: hehe thanks!! :) yeah i have gone through and edited it once to do some major spelling mistakes on names, but i have so little time to do edits anymore that i really havent gotten back to this story in a while!! :) I understand what you mean though and within the next month i should be back to fix it again, but it depends on what real life throws my way!!

Thanks for enjoying the main plot line and things!! :)

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Hey girl! You reviewed a story of mine, so I figured I would reciprocate and review one of yours.

The immediate thing I noticed was the spelling of "Lucius" is incorrect throughout the one-shot... I suggest correcting these instances. :) There were also a fair number of typos, so perhaps you could request a beta to iron those out?

Aside from that, I think you have a lot of good things going on here. Some of your word choice is really lovely; there were some really great descriptive sentences that I picked up on and liked. It was interesting to see the dynamics between Narcissa and Lucius prior to Draco being born. It's not something I see very often.

It's sad to see that Lucius never kept his promise; Narcissa was around the Dark Arts for many years to come. I suppose she should have seen that coming, though. Anyway, lovely one-shot! I enjoyed it.

Author's Response: i know about the typos i have a beta for my novella, but not for all my one shots i think i might look into getting one though! :) I did however notice the missspelling of lucius haha everyone tells me about it i just am so over loaded with school i dont have time to go through and fix it however i might do so now that the time has come.

OH THANK YOU SO MUCH ON THE WORD CHOICE COMMENT! when i read other people stories i think to myself man i suck at word choice and description compaired to this, but maybe that the little voice in my head that thinks you can ALWAYS do better hehe.

When i wrote this for the challenge this was my immediate idea, but added the draco in in hopes that it would add more depth to the story. And what you said about it being sad that Lucias didnt keep his promise, i am thinking about turning this into a one shot collection of their major fights, of course when i have the time!! :)

Thank you so much for your review i wasnt even expecting it and it just made my day!! xx

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Hello! I'm notreallyblonde44 a fellow Slytherin from the forums just doing a little reviewing :)

First things first: Lucius not Lucias. Rodolphus not Rodalphus. I not i. Commas typically do not come before "that" unless there is a purely stylistic reason behind it. -These typos detracted from your story...I'm not going to lie to you and I know this will sound harsh, but if I stumbled onto the story and started to read it seeing a well-known character's name misspelled would make me hit the backspace. Now, I know misspellings happen and honestly even I've spelt Parvati incorrectly, but it wouldn't hurt to re-read your story aloud to catch smaller errors that I didn't cite in this review and maybe double-checking name spellings.

Ok, now that I got the nasty over with, onto the actual review: The reason Lucius joined Voldemort and Narcissa's response to them was brilliant! I never considered the possibility of Lucius joining the Dark Lord to keep his family safe. Never. I think this approach is original and perfectly falls in line with Lucius' character. The hints of back-ground and back-story of the Black family also were very plausible. I pity Narcissa more and more when I read about potential portrayals of her life and I found it very interesting that she seemed to envy Andromeda. I also happily enjoyed that Narcissa and Lucius were in love –nothing else about it, but love. I like to think that's how most of the pureblood marriages went, but it is most likely that Narcissa and Lucuis were one of the few in love an actually suited for each other. (Or, at least, I think they were suited for each other haha.)

I also liked Narcissa because she questioned what was going on and wasn't as much of a blind follower as she is often portrayed as. She also understood Lucius' impact on Draco before it even happen, but in a realistic way through his name. I think naming is very important and personally would give my child their own name/identity. I like that your Narcissa comments on this and is more aware of her surroundings than we often think. So, the characters/characterizations were great in this snippet of their life that you gave us.

Overall, I would work on developing more detail and concrete images and punctuation/spelling/grammar issues. Otherwise, I think you have a created an original little story with a lot of depth in a short amount of time, which was lovely to read. I think if you fixed those errors I mentioned earlier than this one-shot would be greatly improved instantly. Oh, and I didn't catch how the title related :/ Was that from Narcissa thinking Lucius was careless?

Best,
nrb

Author's Response: i understand the error's that you mentioned, you are not the first i have just not had the time to go through and i fix them but am working on trying to fit in time! :) Thank you for the lovely reveiw it means a lot!! :) And the names i know im terrible!! :O lol i forgot to check them both because i was in such a hurry!! :P LOL

Thanks again, some people didnt like what i did with Lucus/Narcissa here so it means alot to find out you did enjoy it!! :) As you might have noticed this is only my second one shot and this actually has a lot more details then my others ;) hehe but im working no that and when i go back through i will probably touch that up too!!

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awh. I would say that there are lots of grammar issues and typos in this piece, but I liked that you did not go for Lucius/Narcissa cliches but wrote about them how you saw them. I see them slightly differently, but Lucius/Narcissa is probably one of the most controversial ships in the fandom. So, many seemingly-contradictory portrayals could all be seen as canonically accurate. Pretty good for a one-shot.

Author's Response: aw thanks, yeah i am terrible at getting grammer and spelling right!! :( but im working on it!! :D lol Ive never wrote a Lucias/Narcissa one shot before as it says in the summer this was for a "Bad romance" Challenge, so it was honestly the first thing that came to mind for me. I probably wont tackle this ship very often. Thanks for the lovely review!! :D

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It's acrules from the forums :)

Oh I really like this, because it's different. You didn't go for the whole arranged marriage type thing, and instead took it on at a different angle - that they were in love. I think it's really interesting, and I'm really glad you've written it - A truly great entry :)

Author's Response: thanks!!! :) I was reall worried at how people would look at it!!! :) I'm glad you liked it!!! :D

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first i will say wow. i love the emotions you portrayed in narcissa! it was very beautiful! and its a good look into how/why lucius decided to join voldemort. i just wanted to point out that that you have lucius spelt wrong.. you have it spelt lucias throughout the story. but other then that it was a great chapter! love you hun!

Author's Response: haha oh darn!! LOL ill have to fix that some time!! :) lol
Thanks though, i think im getting the hang of one shots!! Love you too hun!!

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It's great, Jess!

A very powerful chapter. It's nice to see a story from Narcissa's POV and you portrayed her well. I liked the dilemma between staying with the protection of Lucius or escaping the dark arts. The fierce protection she showed towards unborn Draco was realistic also, so well done :)
I can't say I have any criticisms; your spelling and grammar was much improved :D

Sophia xx

Author's Response: Thank you sophia!! :D :D I was really worried about how to portray Narciss, because as the title says she kinda acts out of sight out of mind of the Dark Arts, then when it comes back she gets terrified, so i wanted a slight explination as to why. And i already knew how she felt about draco from book six, and i was terrified!! :) I'm really glad you like!!!

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Aww! Jess, I thought this story was too cool! =D

I loved the realism of it, which I know was the premise for the challenge. It was much more accurate, I feel, than sappy, love-at-first-sight stories that end up happily ever after. I can imagine something like this might actually have happened between Lucius and Narcissa during her pregnancy.

Loved it, as always! ♥

Author's Response: oh thank you!! :D i wasnt sure if that was real enough!!! :D :D :D Thank you so much for the lovely review!!! :D

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