Great, interesting chapter, dear! I can't wait to see where you take this from here!! I liked Charlotte's characterization; she seems very relatable and believeable! It flowed well and I didn't see any spelling or grammar errors, either! 10/10!Author's Response: Wow thanks so much for the review! It's great to hear you think Charlotte is a relatable character! Again, thank you so much hun, it means a lot to me.
xx Report Review
hmm, I really like all the description of the main character. Very moody teen lol. I couldn't, however, understand where the story is going. We also don't know who her family is. Who does she know? where else would she rather be if not home? These were all questions I started asking myself. That can either interest readers waiting for them to be answered, or put them off. I really do like all the description though. We've all been in her position before. I loved how you ended it with the daunting experience that's bound to come up the next chapter.
great ideas :) Report Review
Hm, so this was certainly an interesting first chapter. You've done really well in establishing your main character's general traits. In fact, your characterization in general here has been quite good! :)
You have so really lovely, simple description in parts; things like 'bejeweled hands' and the inclusion of her parents attending a workplace health and safety conference haha!
I think there are one or two spots where it might be useful to amend your grammar. For example these sentences:
'The actual gathering itself was dreadful. (I can safely say that I underestimated my family's abilities to annoy me.) ' - The full stop after dreadful probably doesn't need to be there, I personally think it flows better if the set of brackets is part of the first sentence. Also, see the full stop after me? Right at the end? It ought to be outside the brackets.
Other than a couple of itty, bitty things like that this is a well compiled introduction! Good work! :) Report Review
SHELBY!!! *squishes* HERE TO STALK! :P I mean...um...
Hehehehe, man this chapter was hilarious! I love how you're written Charlotte so far; she's sarcastic and has a way with drama - I. Love. It.
I can't believe this is your first story...you're so good! I really can't wait to see where you go with this, and you've set up really good foundations.
Squeee, I can't wait to see what Charlotte ends up like after her hair appointment. I'm sure the next chapter will be just as good and hilarious as this one, Shelby!!
-Liz xxAuthor's Response: *huggles my dear LIZ*
EKK! I'm so so thrilled you love it hun! MEANS SO MUCH!
*blushes* Really?! Thank you SO SO SO MUCH!
I can't tell you how excited and happy I am that you loved it!
THANKS SO MUCH AGAIN LIZ!
Love you *squishes* xoxoox Report Review
Heyya, It's Ely :D
I decided I'd drop by and review this for you, because well I wanted to...okay? *sticks tongue out* This is so great! I really, really can't wait to read more!
x ElyAuthor's Response: ELY *SQUISHES*
THANK YOU SO MUCH HUN! ^_^
I responded because well I wanted to...okay? *sticks tongue out* Hehe :)
Aw *tears* I'm so glad you like it and you can't wait to read more!
xoxox Report Review
Love this story, love your describing techniques and main character set up! Cant wait to read what happens next to Charlotte :)Author's Response: HAHAHAHA JESS! I love the fact that you wrote Elf ^_^ You're such a cutie! Thank you dear! Love you! xoxox Report Review
Hi! Liberate60 here.
Heh. Charlotte has to go to the hairdressers. Well-written, good job.Author's Response: Hey there :) Thanks for coming by and reviewing!
Hehe, yes for her the hairdressers isn't very entertaining ;)
Thank you so much again for the review!
xox Report Review
Hey there, sorry I've taken forever to get around to this!
I like the story, I can't quite see where it's going at the moment which is a good thing because it means your story isn't predictable.
Charlotte seems like a nice character and she seems pretty well developed on face value. She doesn't have any depth yet but hey, that's all to come later (: I like her, and to a teenage girl who likes to just sit in her room reading she's an extremly relatable character!
This seems to have a lot of potential to go places and I look forward to seeing what happens (:
MelliexAuthor's Response: Hey Melliex, thanks so much for coming by to review!
Also! Don't worry about it, honestly it's perfectly fine :D
I'm glad you like it so far! And I'm highly satisfied that it seems unpredictable at the moment, I'll be aiming towards that throughout the whole story *fingers crossed*
Her personality will definitely be slowly coming to shape together :) I love that people can relate to her. I'm trying to aim at her being so incredibly relatable, as this will be evident in chapters to come ^_^ I'm so happy you like her :D
THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN :D
Love, ShelbyBlack. Report Review
Hi there dear ^.^ as requested, here with your review!
Firstly, congratulations on your first story! Very exciting!! And well-done for a first go :) :)
I've got to say that I like the idea of the playful tone in speech, especially when I'm trying to pair this with the idea of a supporter of Voldemort. You just tend to think, reading the stories, that all of his followers are somehow twisted and have no sense of humor or humanity about them...but this gives a different insight that's quite enjoyable. I caution you, though, such a tone runs the risk of creating the story into an unbelievable narration. You've listed this as AU, so it has a little license to be out-there, but you want to ground it in reality (of course I mean, the "reality" we suppose is transferable to the world of JKR's creation ;) ) as well as you can so that you don't turn off readers!
I like the idea of the crazy aunt; my family is so normal that it's boring and I've always wished that I had that one relative that was just too much to believe. I think this will add an element of fun to your story and to Charlotte's journey :)
I like the idea as well that seems to be the basis of Charlotte's character--that she reads. I think you have a great, amazing opportunity here to develop her character as separate from reality. I would like, ideally (I mean, if I was writing this, this is what I'd do :P), to see this as a factor in why she supports Voldemort--it seems more interesting, more fun, more drama, like a good novel, but she doesn't quite connect it to real life and how serious it is. It might just be because my perspective of people who read is generally that they're sensitive (don't know why I have this in my head, exactly!), but I think it's a great chance to have some fun writing a character that readers might not like.
This is another thing that I'd like to warn you, just as a new fic-writer! (yey!!) Your characters don't have to be likable to the reader--in fact, if they have visible flaws, they'll be stronger and more relatable. In this case I think that what I mentioned above ^^ about the whole disconnect reality would be a seamless way to go about it, but by no means let me influence your decision on your character! I don't know how well you've "gotten to know" her yet, and she's completely up to YOU!!
Overall, great job for your first chapter, dear! I look forward to keeping up with this one :)
--lilyAuthor's Response: LILY *squishes*
Thank you so much deary for coming by to review! This definitely brightens my day ever time I read it! (Oh and my fault for not responding sooner, sorry hun)
I totally understand where you're coming from, and I thank you so much for pointing it out! Charlotte's personality is only just coming out of the closet. She's most definitely sarcastic and humorous (I hope) but her character definitely isn't based around that. I'm really looking forward to showing more depth of Charlotte.
Wow Lily I know I'm definitely going to talk to you about this one time. That is actually in a way, how I thought of Charlotte to be. How I am, oddly enough. I thrive on drama, while I don't like to be in it. I love the emotion and dramatic nature of it all...like a good book or a movie. Charlotte has various qualities of myself and this will definitely be shown through her...somewhat!
THANK YOU *huggles*
Look forward to talking to you soon hun!
Hi, here from the forums with your requested review :)
I actually liked your OC, which is suprising because I feel sarcastic, pretty, teenage girls are really overdone, but yours feels a little different. I think because she isn't particularly mouthy or cheeky, its mostly through internal monologue that we see her personality. So I commend you for writing the first sarky teenager that I've actually quite liked haha.
You do a good job of translating the emotions of a teenager, I think this is particularly evident in the dinner scene, this is where your writing excels. It flows neater and the sarcasm is actually quite funny. I would hope that you would recognise this as a strength and play more to this.
Now you asked for the good and the bad, so here goes :)...
The one thing that really distracted me was the scene where she's getting dressed to leave, the one where she had the shower etc. I felt you went into too much detail here, try stay clear of falling into that trap, it's something that I do too. Readers lose interest very quickly if you describe every step of getting dressed, its something we all do every day, we know how it works. I understand that it can be a good way of translating your characters appearance but I feel this can be approached in subtler ways.
Excluding that little minor glitch, everything else was fine. Your grammar seemed fine to me, nothing stuck out as particularly distracting and your minor characters (such as the auntie) are developing quite nicely. :)Author's Response: Hello :)
Thanks for taking your time to check it out! I'm glad I didn't fall into the cliche of such teenagers hehe! I will try all my best to use this as a strength, it was one of my favourite things to write!
I know exactly what you mean! Yeah, I will definitely approach it in a more subtle way when describing and whatnot :) Although I do not dislike that particular scene, as I loved showing her in an everyday situation and this chapter was purely to show off Charlotte and introduce her but I agree with making it not so packed with so much at once!
Thanks again love!
xx Report Review
Hi, Akussa from the forum!!
First off, thank you for requesting I review this little gem; I don't remember seing this getting validated and, therefor, missed out on it.
I greatly enjoyed it; it's a really good introduction to your story that I can't wait to see where you will take.
The characterization is very well done. All minor characters (i.e. the aunties) are amazingly lively and easy to picture. I also really like all the small details you put in to give flesh to characters we haven't even met (the other family members, her parents...).
As for Charlotte, well she is just perfect. I usually have major difficulties with "sarcastic teenager" main characters because authors tend to go overboard and make them just a cliché but you manage to not fall into that trap and for that, I congratulate you. Charlotte's inner voice wasn't too extreme and stayed believable and hilarious.
I also want to point out that I really like your summary; rarely do we see such good sumaries that just draw you in.
All in all, a really entertaining and promissing first chapter. I greatly enjoyed in and will definitly will want to check out the rest. You have a real talent when it comes to writting, particularily giving flesh and soul to a character so do keep on writting, may it only be to let the rest of the world enjoy what's in your mind!
AkussaAuthor's Response: Hello Akussa, thank you so much for doing this means alot and means even more that you seem to really enjoy it :D
Awww, thank you! I suppose I focus alot on what I believe will seem real and realistic and write what I see, I'm glad it seemed to word out! Ah, so many people have mentioned Charlotte I'm so so thrilled everyone is enjoying her! She has my sarcasm, but in a more inventive way. She is very unique in my eyes! I'm so glad you don't think she is cliche that's such a load off not having to think about that! Ekk, I'm glad she's funny in her own sarcastic way!
My summary, at the time only took several minutes. I'm happy it has been so effective (more effective than I thought it would be) And I mean that's the main thing, to draw in the readers!
Wow! I've never heard that I have talent! Ah, you have made me tear up! Thank you so so much for this amazing review! It means everything to me, by far the best and more inspiring reviews I've ever gotten!
Lots of love!
xoxo Report Review
So I saw your status on the forums a while ago and noted in the back of my mind to check it out - finally here I am (:
This was a great opening chapter. You introduced Charlotte really well, which is a must when writing an OC. I had no problems shaping her personality in my mind at all. It made it easy and very readable, which is a really good thing (:
With the start, though, I was feeling that there was a bit too much dialogue. I know its really hard not to start with dialogue, but maybe you could attempt to put in a little more emotions, so readers can really relate to everything straight away?
That said, though, after a few paragraphs you did get descriptive again, when you started talking about the family dinner. I actually really enjoyed reading that part into Charlotte's mind, and I hope to see a little more of that in your future chapters (:
This was truly an amazing start. I find it really hard to read some OC stories, so this was a nice, pleasant surprise. I can't wait to see some of the Slytherin traits come out in Charlotte; your summary has left me really curious as to where this is going (:
Thank you for the read, and I hope to be reviewing the next chapter soon! (:
Mahalia xAuthor's Response: Hello Mahalia :)
I'm glad to hear that you had no probelm reading her and figuring her out as a whole! I loved writing her, her sarcasm makes my day ^_^
Thank you so much for the constructive critisim, it means alot! Yeah it is really hard to not start with dialogue, but I like to think that starting it with this particular story, brings Charlotte out more, throws her straight into the readers view so to speak! I wanted to show how she interacted with people, and hopefully show off her attitude in a way. I will take on the advice it's really great hearing it hun :)
Awww yes! I will definitely be getting into Charlotte's mind more, she's too fun to ignore!
Oh and the Slytherin traits will surely be coming out of the closet soon enough ;)
Thanks so much again, for coming by and reviewing, it was a pleasent surprise to say the least!
Lots of love
xoxo Report Review
Lovely chapter, Shelby :)
Charlotte's really interesting and most definitely not a Mary-Sue. Her sarcasm is brilliant and made me laugh, which, considering I'm in a library at the moment, is a pretty good thing ;)
I can see some good writing to come. Looking forward to the next chapter :)
Sophia xxAuthor's Response: Thanks so much Sophia!
For both coming over and reading and for the amazing review :)
Eekkk, I love that you love Charlotte. I'm glad people are finding her a great character!
I'm super happy it made you laugh hehe! Thanks alot again for the gorgeous review!
Lots of love
xoxx Report Review
Hey! I finally got around to reading this and it's awesome! I really like Charlotte's sarcastic voice - you've made her a very believable character! And she's quite intriguing too, I am really interested what is about to happen to her.
Gaahh! Update soon, hun! :) You've got a really nice start and a wonderful story on your hands, good luck with it!
Maya ;)Author's Response: :D Oh my, I read this very quickly this morning and I honestly forgot about what was written! Now it feels like I'm reading it for the first time and it has just made me smile all over again! Thank you so much dear!
I'm so crazily happy that you think Charlotte is a believable character, and that she's intriguing!
I will, I will :)
And thank you again Maya, it means alot!
Lots of love
xoox Report Review
Finally made it around to reading this! And I wasn't disappointed! :D
You are adorable, you know that? I LOVED Charlotte in this. Her voice, her character and her attitude come out so clearly in this and she just reminded me of your average teenager and it has you written all over it. You are just a little bit very awesome.
I also like that you didn't make her one-dimensional. She has family issues. She has insecurity issues. She's not a Mary-Sue. Good on you for that! It means that you can have a lot of fun with her in this.
You're going to have a ball writing this, I can see it already! And I'm going to have a ball reading it!
Joop :)Author's Response: EKKK! Way to make a girl blush ^_^
This was so amazing to wake up to, you have no idea hun!
Adorable... ^_^ Nawww fank you dear!
Hehehe thank you! I'm loving that everyone seems to love Charlotte! And even more glad that her attitude and voice comes out so clearly! I really wanted her to seem believable!
THANK YOU SO MUCH! For this amazing and unexpected lovely review!
Lots of love xoxo Report Review
Lovely chapter! I think the whole idea of this story is very intriguing. Hogwarts, Marauder era, AU? I don't think I've really read anything like this before! Hmm, I rarely read AU stories at all… Anyway, the summary was great! I was really intrigued by it. (Not to mention the amazing banner!)
Anyway, I should be talking about the story, so I will!
It's a nice chapter! It left me wondering at the end to see what Jane will make Charlotte do… The writing is good! I don't usually like such informal first person, but it's pretty good here.
The character is great. And it's a plus that she's named charlotte :L
So yeah, I enjoyed it! I hope you update soon, because it would be nice to find out what happens next! :)
-charlotte ;)Author's Response: Why hello there Charlotte ;) Awesome name hehe!
Firstly thank you for reveiwing! ^_^
It seems not many people do read AU, personally they're my favourites! Oh I'm glad you like the summary, it took me awhile to put that together it's definitely harder than it seems! It's Maya, what do you expect, she's crazily talented :)
I'm really glad you enjoyed it hun! Thank you for taking your time to read and review it!
xox Report Review
I am so excited that your story's FINALLY up on the archives!!! I've been waiting and waiting and waiting, and suddenly... here it is! =D
Okay, so you already know that I adore your story to bits, yeah? Good. =) Charlotte's sarcasm made me chuckle pretty much every time she opened her mouth. And I cannot WAIT to see where your story leads!
Love you girly, can't wait for chapter 2! xoxoxAuthor's Response: Firstly :) Thank for making my day in more ways than one! Makes me so happy that you love it hun, if you and Jess love it then I've accomplished something pretty great, because honestly your the ones I most care about :) Hehe, yay! I love her sarcasm...because it's mine! I would be lying if I said she wasn't in some part based on me, oh I wish I had her hair though ;)
Thank you so much Rach, love you so much xox Report Review
Hello ShelbyBlack!! Just saw your status in the forums and thought I'd check this out :) This is a good start to the story, a kind of social reject, being pulled and prodded about by her family. Sounds good! And I like the little subtle details you added; like you said her parents worked in the Magical Accidents and Catastrophes department. There's good detail and a really nice choice of name. The ending's quite the little cliffhanger too :) Can't wait to see what happens, and see all the AU stuff :) This is like, the first AU I've read :) Congratulations on your first chapter :) (and check out my stories if you've got time - there's a Sirius/OC you might like) :D ~NeverGotHerLetter 10/10 x x x x x x x x x xAuthor's Response: Hello dear, oh thank you for taking the time to come and review! That's exactly how I wanted her to seem ^_^ I'm glad that got across :)
"Honestly, they make their 'work' sound like it's similar to going on a "Workplace Health and Safe Spells" convention for the Ministry of Magic's Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes."
I actually intended them to seem like that worked with Death Eaters...that was slight sarcasm, as Charlotte always is! I shall work on conveying that more clearly hehe! And there will be more about her parents and their buisness with the 'dark side' later on in the story hehe! Sorry that didn't come through clearly :)
Ooo well I'll make sure to make it an interesting AU for you dear :) Oh and I'll have to check that out tomorrow, I love my Sirius that's for sure! Thanks for the brightening review!
xoxo Report Review
At least I get to be second to review (sigh) I like your Charlotte character, She's funny (well I had to smile). I get the impression that Charlotte thinks that her Aunts are just a little bit crazy. You must update soon. 10/10.Author's Response: Thank you hun! Seconds always good hehe! Reviews definitely make me feel happy! Haha Charlotte thinks everyone's crazy ;) Thank you again for the review! xox Report Review
//does a happy dance
HELLO SHELBY! I got to be the first to review!! Tehehehe I LOVED IT LOVED IT LOVED!!! GAH
I love your charlotte character!! :D she is brilliant truly truly for really brilliant! lol anyways i guess i habe just rambled now havent i, cant wait to see where this goes!! :D
Lots of love and congrats on chapter number one its an exciting thing!!! :D Author's Response: JESS! Thank you so much for reviewing and thank you for telling me my first ever chapter is up hehe! Ooo I love that you love Charlotte too and that you love this story so far, it really means alot hun! Thanks again!
Love you Report Review
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