Reading Reviews for Alone
15 Reviews Found

Review #1, by LillyRoseanne Alone

27th January 2013:
This is really well written, your writing style is really fluid and clear and you use enough description to make it worth it, but no so much that it interrupts the flow of the story.

So glad I found this :D

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Review #2, by adluvshp Alone

5th September 2011:
OMG this was so breathtakingly amazing. I loved this. Draco's characterization was brilliant. Pansy was superb. The entire scene setting was awesome. The plot flowed amazingly. And OMG the emotional intensity of it all, it made me shiver. This was truly worth a read. I am truly enthralled after reading this. Brilliant job! 10/10


Author's Response: Thank you so much! Such a lovely review, I really appreciate it :) You've just made my day.

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Review #3, by Akussa Alone

12th August 2011:
Hi again!

This was another great piece of work. I really enjoy reading your stories because your writting style is different and, well, enjoyable! I really like how you make the reader SEE the scenes; you do not simply tell us how it is, you manage to make me see it (if that makes sense...). You have a real talent for descriptive writting and finding the one detail that will bring a scene to life.

Your characters are also very polished and multi-faceted. Draco and Pansy both show different faces and you can feel there is an emotional explanation for their actions. There is a reason for them to be as they are, for them to act as they do. It is truly heartbreaking to see people (may them be real of characters) unable to love and give themselves up to someone else. Being alone is never easy and always devastating. You did an amazing job capturing this.

I would suggest you go back on this piece though, and scan it for ponctuation mishaps. Sometimes it's a missing coma that gives a sentence another meaning. Some other times, it's an extra coma that makes absolutly no sense. These are easy fix and would help improve the flow of the read. It is, however, a very minor problem so, if you don't feel like doing it, don't. It doesn't mean your story is bad for it, I was just trying (and very hard at that) to find some way to help you improve your story.

Overall though, it's a wonderfully sad piece and I really enjoyed how it tore my heart to read it through.

Akussa (Gryffindor)

Author's Response: Thank you for such high praise, especially regarding my descriptive writing. I'm so glad that you find my writing enjoyable. Actually, I'm really delighted at that! :)

Capturing them being alone in this story was my real challenge. There was no action or high drama, I had to rely completely on decribing nothing but emotions and feelings and hoping it was enough to satisfy the reader. I'm glad you seem to think it was :)

I will do that. Commas are the bane of my existence, so if there are any I may have missed then I'll comb through it to find them, I'm determined to master them! Haha.

Again, thank you so much for another lovely review.

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Review #4, by maskedmuggle Alone

6th August 2011:

You seem to still be around on the forums, so I hope you manage to read this! You requested a review from me over half a year ago, and though you've probably got all the feedback you wanted from other people by now, I always feel the need to finish off what I started. So here's your extremely late review, and sorry for my procrastination!

Woah, basically, this is really quite some story! Very intriguing, quite well written and I loved all of Draco's emotions.

The first part felt like there was some repetition of the general story and the description. If you use control F (find), you will find that you use both 'night' AND 'dark' or some variation of it 8 times each, just in the first section of your story! If you search other words, you will see that a lot are ones you use frequently, making it sound like you're repeating yourself; like 'streets' and 'roaming'. Try using more of a variety of different descriptive words, and more complex ones as well. I hate to sound like an English teacher, but sometimes similes and metaphors work just as well! Like this one! "It was like they were stuck at the bottom of the well, too proud to shout for help as life raged on above them." Absolutely brilliant comparison and it really got your point across! Maybe visit Wordle (google it), paste in your text and see what the words you most commonly use are, and refrain from using them as often?

Hmm, I find it a little hard to believe that Draco loves Pansy as much as you describe it as, but I suppose, it's after the war, and Draco has indeed changed. The ending few paragraphs left me a little confused. Why was Pansy kissing him back, even though she loathed him?

I would rephrase this line: "Draco knew that she had her darkness, that she was not pure and angelic" to: "Draco knew that she had her own darkness, that she wasn't pure and angelic". To me, I just find it sounds better, but it's of course, your choice.

Other than that, I really, really, really loved this story. I especially loved everything Draco. His characterisation was absolutely wonderful, and I really loved how great your writing was, to be able to express his emotions and thoughts so well, leaving me able to actually understand what he's going through. The idea of him being 'alone' throughout the story was really good. The plot was really great as well, and the relationship between Pansy and Draco was well developed and very realistic as well! The only negative I have to say about this was the repetition in the first section (a little in the second). Overall though, some very brilliant writing in here, this is definitely one amazing piece!

- maskedmuggle, Ravenclaw :)

Author's Response: Hi maskedmuggle. Don't worry, the wait was definitely worth this review, it was exactly the type of review I was looking for.

I genuinely had not noticed my repetition nor has it been pointed out before so it's really great that someone has picked up on it. It's great advice you've gave and I'll be sure to keep my eye on it in the future and hopefully eliminate it in future writing :)

I tried to convey that the war had changed Pansy as well as Draco. And that Pansy's admiration for Draco changed to something more intense which enveloped Draco who had nothing after the war. I know a lot of people don't believe (myself being one of them) that Draco and Pansy would ever have worked, but I wanted to explore what might have happened. The reason Pansy kissed him was despite loathing him, she loved him in equal portions. She wants him yet can't stand him. It's difficult for her to resist him but she knows she must now.

Thanks so much for the praise too! I really appreciate you stopping by :)

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Review #5, by LovelyMioneWeasley Alone

12th March 2011:
Hello there, LMW from the forums with your review.

I like your graphic; it is lovely and seems to be a proper representation of what your story is about. Regret, guilt, darkness, and the loss of hope; I think you have a done a very good job capturing a very specific tone and mood to your story. You keep it consistently through the details of the plot of your one-shot.

I'm also a fan of your Draco; I think he is in character and has the regrets of a man clearly broken by something pushed upon him. The War broke a lot of characters--Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Draco amongst some of the major ones I'd think. And you don't try to gloss over this point. I think you make the excllent point of utilizing it to the best of your plot development.

I think that you also did a lovely job with the dialogue of love and hate between Pansy and Draco. It reads like a true story and I can really imagine the conversation taking place, how she slowly but surely came to hate the man she loved so passionately. Both emotions can definitely take place at once.

My recommendations; watch how you use semi-colons, commas, and differeniate the two. I would read some examples online or ask around on the forums for some help perhaps. Also, utilize sensory details more. Add some smells and add description to sounds. You do well with the seeing and touching, but work on taste and smell perhaps. I would also use less cliches and allow some dialogue to stand on its own. Think about new, out-of-the-box ways to describe something.

Your ending was excellent though. You ended the one-shot well; a point that not many have talents on. You clearly have potential. Continue to write and to gain experience; it is ultimately the best teacher.


Author's Response: Hi, thank you for taking the time to review :)

I'm glad you liked the way I wrote Draco. I completely agree that the war would have changed a lot of characters. I believe that writing a post-war Draco, Harry or Hermione for example actually leaves the writer with a lot of freedom because the characters are no longer terrified 17 year olds. They're adults now, who have to live with horrific memories whilst trying to move on with their lives.

My use of commas has been brought up time and time again. It's definitely a major flaw of mine and one that I'm working on. You're right though, continuing to write will be the best way for me to learn and constructive reviews like this help me to grow as a writer.

So, thank you again for the lovely review. I'll definitely take your advice on board :)

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Review #6, by TenthWeasley Alone

4th March 2011:
Hello! This is TenthWeasleyWriter from the forums, finally coming by with your requested review!

Before I begin - I owe you a MASSIVE apology for the delay this review seems to have taken in reaching your story. It's not fair to you to have to wait so long for it, and so I am very sorry. ^^ Now, to your review!

I've read a lot of Draco/Pansy in my time as a fan fic reader, but this is one of the most well-written that I have ever read as far as spelling, grammar, and punctuation go. I am very impressed with those writers that go the extra mile to read over their work and make sure that everything looks right, and so I give you MAJOR kudos for that!

Another thing that really struck me about your story was the clarity of the descriptions and emotions that you seemed to write effortlessly. I absolutely adore little details, observations, and inner thoughts, and you certainly delivered on every aspect - that just made me love this story a little bit more. ^^ You have a great writing style, and this was just such a neat and impressive little story. I really had fun reading it, and it's not always as easy as it might seem to make reading fun!

Thank you for requesting a review from my thread, I am really glad you requested this particular piece. ^^ Again, I am very sorry it took such a long time getting to you!

OPERATION: Green With Envy

Author's Response: Thank you!

I'm glad that the spelling, grammar and punctuation were all fine. I usually struggle with commas and it's something I'm working hard on just now. I know how distracting bad grammar can be!

Thank you so much again for such a lovely review :)

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Review #7, by schoenemaedchen Alone

19th February 2011:
Hi there! Schoenemaedchen here (finally) with your review from the boards.

I want to thank you so much for sharing the story. It's an excellent piece for a challenge and its well written. You definitely have no reason to be nervous, though I know the feeling of trying something new!

Though I've read many stories like this, what really sets your story apart from the rest is that it's well written. Grammar, flow, usage of words, characterization all come together quite harmoniously in this piece. The flow is certainly a bit slower at the beginning because the reader has to rely a lot more on description, but this is certainly not a bad thing. It's useful information and builds up very effectively to the final scene where Draco and Pansy have their dialogue.

The dialogue just explodes with all these feelings of hate, neglect, jealousy--you name it. I really enjoyed the climax of this story the best. It felt very powerful.

Really, an excellent job. The only bad thing was how long I waited to leave you a review ;)

Thanks for sharing!

Author's Response: Hi, thank you for leaving such a nice review :)

I'm glad something sets mine apart, there are so many angsty Draco/Pansy fics and because canon dictates that it's not a "happily ever after" relationship, their ending has been explored in various ways.

I'm glad you enjoyed the climax, in fact, it was the part that worried me most because it was just emotions and feelings, there was no massive plot of betrayal, violence or action. It was all just dialogue, so I wasn't sure if it might be seen as a bit of an anti-climax.

Thank you so much for reviewing, no matter how late! :)

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Review #8, by orderofthephoenix Alone

19th February 2011:
Hey! I'm here with your review :) I don't know what to say, I honestly don't. This was absolutely, amazingly brilliant :D

You've written this beautifully and brilliantly. The description of the streets is fitting and your characterisation is exact. The imagery is so good I can picture it all in my mind.

I can tell you've put a lot of thought into this story. You've really got into Draco's personality and thoughts after the war. This is how I pictured him after the war. Pansy is also portrayed realistically as she feels neglected by him. This pair are never going to have a happy ending and you've shown that to me, so well done.

Spelling and grammar were great. There were a few long sentences at the beginning but you've split them up well with commas. Perhaps you could use a few more semi-colons to repace commas? It might make the sentence flow a little smoother.

I'm so glad I got to read this; you are a very talented writer!

-Sophia x

Author's Response: Thank you so much for such a lovely review, it really made my day :)

Draco's my favourite character to really delve into, I quite frequently have debates with friends about how he would be after the war, I'm glad this kind of showed in my writing.

Long sentences have been brought up a few times so I think it's definitely time I work on those in the future.

Thanks again.

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Review #9, by chiQs09 Alone

9th February 2011:
Hello! :) So, I love returning reviews, and since you've got a Draco/Pansy story, I had to check it out. I love this pairing! :)

Writing style:
I feel almost horrible for letting you read my awfully written fiction and endure my bad grammar, because after reading this, I realized now how an angsty story should be written. ;) You captured Draco's emotions and feelings really well, just spot-on, without throwing off the POV when you changed scenes. You can write so beautifully, your description of his fears and worries, his surroundings, his feelings for Pansy, etc. was another plus, making this story one of the best Draco/Pansy stories I've ever read.

I think this is just how I've imagined Draco after the war. He's matured emotionally; he owns Potter (of all people) this kind of life he thinks he doesn't deserve at all, even though he's free now. He still feels this immense guilt for the things he's done in the past. As if this wasn't already enough and was wrecking his soul, he has feelings for someone who means the world to him, has been supporting him all this time, and yet he has abandoned somehow. I must say, I had tears in my eyes while reading this. Though I would've loved them to be together; base on this one-shot, I can even see them stay together and I didn't see any reason why they can't work it out. Dark past or not, "tainted" or not, I think if Pansy loves him just as much as she hates him for abandoning her, love can be their guide through this hard time. ehem... And it shall work. :) In the last scene, Draco doesn't even seem to me that he wants it to be over. It's like there was no real closure. Or maybe it's just me because I love this pairing (aside Draco/Hermione of course.)

Anyway, that's it. I did have a couple of CCs but it would only ruin my own review, so nevermind. :) If you write another Dransy story, please feel free to PM me via the forums. I'd love to read it. :D

Take care, ciao!

Author's Response: What a lovely and unexpected review!

Oh God, do not feel horrible at all! Your writing is fantastic, we just have different styles. I loved reading your work too, so your compliments are very much appreciated.

I'm so glad you meantioned that you could see them staying together, I thought this too. I know canon dictates otherwise, but I envisioned they would go on long after my one-shot ended in a very unsatisfying relationship until she could take no more and leave. I thought her leaving would jolt him back to life thus he found Astoria and settled, but he would always remember Pansy, she would have been the one that got away. I actually planned on writing that part into the plot but then I felt that others may disagree. I think it's up to the reader whether they feel she would have followed up on the love or the hatred she felt for him.

I also love this pairing though so I think that's why I secretly wanted them to work despite how angsty I had written this!

Well Draco/Pansy is one of my favourite pairings to write so expect a PM soon!

Thank you again :)

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Review #10, by xLauriePotter Alone

9th February 2011:
electricfeel: Hello, Laurie here with your requested review! :)

The setting was brilliant at the beginning of the story, I could immediatly picture the scene and feel the coldness in the air.

Wow, The way you described fear as "thick smoke, creeping through keyholes" really sent a chill down my spine. That was brilliant and gave a really good effect to me as the reader because you begin to imagine how disturbed Draco's mind is.

It's good to see Draco in a different light. I haven't read many dark-Draco fics. I hate the odd fic that pops up which shows a transformed Draco, because I dont think he'd ever change completley, and of course there will always be a hatrid for Harry there too; and you showed that well with touching upon it ever-so-slightly. I like the way you've linked the dark night and the character, making him seem like he belonged there was a great touch.

I loved this. You've really done well with this peice. I'm adding it to my favourites ^.^
Go you ;)
~ Laurie.

Author's Response: Thank you for such a speedy review :)

I really enjoy dark-Draco fics, especially post-war but I've always been a little afraid that I might not capture him properly as he is such a complex character. So I'm really glad that you enjoyed it and thanks so much for adding it to your favourites, wow!

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Review #11, by Toujours Padfoot Alone

3rd February 2011:
Hello, Toujours Padfoot from the forums here for your requested review.

First of all, let me just say - WOW. Beautiful imagery. BEAUTIFUL. I could see everything clear as day, like I was sitting right there with them. I absorbed every particle of emotion - my attention was 100 percent invested, and I was pretty much on the edge of my chair. You really have a way with words. You describe everything so marvelously; I especially liked this line: It was like they were stuck at the bottom of the well, too proud to shout for help as life raged on above them.

Love it!

And I love the misery of it, and how resentful Pansy is even though she is helpless to keep loving him. Draco is lost in himself, which is very realistic to expect after all he'd been through. You made him thoroughly human, and his emotions came across quite clearly. It was heartbreaking because I could understand why Pansy needed to end it with him, but I also understood the complexity of Draco's problems and that he would be much worse with coping if it weren't for her presence. Without her, he would probably spiral even further into his own private darkness. So, very well done.

The only constructive criticism I have for you is to watch your commas and run-on sentences. For example:

She stood by his side when all else had fallen, she comforted him, she didn't let him hide his tears and instead, wordlessly, she would wipe them for him, curl her fingers in his hair and whisper in his ear, her warm lips enticing him to her.

I would edit this to:

She stood by his side when all else had fallen. She comforted him, she didn't let him hide his tears; and instead, wordlessly, she would wipe them for him, curl her fingers in his hair and whisper in his ear, her warm lips enticing him to her.

A little smoother, at least.

And lastly, I'd like to comment that the word 'however' was used three times in the first four paragraphs, and it was slightly distracting. I'd go back and trim it down to just one 'however'. That's just my suggestion, though. Feel free to ignore. It certainly isn't this gigantic blemish on your story or anything, but I pointed it out anyway because I always feel like I should nitpick everything in requested reviews. Otherwise it feels like a useless review, with no CC... And believe me, it wasn't easy finding things to nitpick. :)

I think you are an extraordinarily talented writer and that this one-shot is full of win. As far as that challenge goes, you've definitely got my vote. :)

~ Toujours Padfoot

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your kind words!

No, nitpicking is very welcome! It helps me to improve. I have a real problem with run-on sentences and commas, so thank you for pointing that out, I'll go back and edit it asap. I'll go back and read over the paragraphs you mentioned too and see how I feel about it. You may be right, I've read it over and edited it so many times that it's just become a mass of meaningless words, so it's good to get an outsiders perspective on it.

Again, thank you so much. You've given me a little confidence boost :)

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Review #12, by The Captain Alone

2nd February 2011:
The one grammatic error that I noticed was that when you include however in the middle of a sentence, you only put a comma on the right of it. You should have a comma on both sides of however. Example: She desperately wanted a snack, however, she knew that dinner would be ready in a few more minutes.
I liked the plot, and was glad that things didn't work out for Draco and Pansy. I've personally never been able to see them lasting. Pansy always seemed like a time filler to Draco, not a real partner. My one problem was with the fact that Draco had tortured people. I personally can't see him doing this. It might be just me, but I don't believe that Draco is strong enough to do something like that. He couldn't kill Dumbledore, and while the two things are very different, Draco does not seem brave enough to torture someone.

Author's Response: Thank you for pointing out the comma issue, it's something I struggle with a lot so errors being pointed out really helps me learn :)

I agree that it may seem difficult to believe Draco is capable of torture but I believe that he is very critical of his own failings and he is very resilient (ie- fixing the cabinet) so I don't think it's entirely OOC for him to turn this anger at his failings into anger at others. And I think if he was used by the Dark Lord to torture people regularly, he would eventually find a way to ignore his own emotions. JK said once the reason Draco could bully was because he lacked compassion for others.

Anyway, I don't mean to sound defensive! I really do appreciate your review, thank you :)

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Review #13, by xtinjsc Alone

30th January 2011:
Hello, electricfeel! ^_^

I'm here to fill out your request on my review thread. Thank you for dropping by! I hope you are well.

The first thing that strikes me is your writing style. You have a knack for presenting these really vivid and vibrant images to your readers and I adore that. Not many authors can pull that off, you know, so you should be really proud of that talent. Reading the beginning paragraphs almost felt like I am roaming the same streets with Draco. This line:

A light wind blew through the streets, lifting the rubbish and the leaves from the ground and supplying the only sounds that broke the silence.

It's all so clear in my head, it's ridiculous - like I can hear the sound those leaves make. Bravo. ♥

Whoops! That reminds me. The word 'rubbish' seems a little out-of-place. Probably because I often use it more as an expression or a reaction rather than a word for garbage. Like 'That's rubbish etc.' I hope I'm making sense. Teehee. Maybe change it to litter? It's more of a personal preference on my part, so you don't have to listen to me. :P

Your Draco is very interesting. Post-war Draco has always been one of my favourite version of him to read about, because just the whole conflicted personality intrigues me. I like how you've given us a glimpse of his terrible experiences during the war, they way he had to torture himself in order to carry out torturing someone else, the shame, the secrets he had to keep... You know how one-shots can sometimes be lacking with believable and astute characterisations? Authors can sometimes focus more on moving the plot forward while maintaining decent length that some things like character development are left out. I think you remedied that problem with those little details about him. Very nifty. I understand his character and why he's so alone and I love how complicated his feelings are and how he has no control of them, even as the one thing that seems to make sense to him is giving up on him. Great job!

Moving on to some critique then. *wink wink*

I am distracted with some of the sentence structure, especially with the beginning paragraphs. I advise you to be careful with where you put those commas, dear, because they can ruin the good flow of a story sometimes. For example, this line:

It was not something he disliked however, he welcomed the opportunity to be lost in these streets, just for a while, at least that way he would have an excuse to be walking alone at night.

If you read that sentence aloud, it sounds jagged, yeah? And the good flow is ruined. Full stops and semicolons can work as well. Like:

It was not something he disliked, however; he welcomed the opportunity to be lost in these streets, just for a while. At least that way he would have an excuse to be walking alone at night.

They can be tricky, punctuations. They confuse me as well sometimes, but I find that reading a story out loud can really help. And there's also this lovely thread in the Writer's Resources area of the forums about them, so if you have time, you can get useful tips there.

Okay, so while you brilliantly convince me with your characterisation of Draco Malfoy, I must say that I don't quite buy how you've introduced his relationship with Pansy. Don't get me wrong, I think the relationship itself is believable - the conflict is done really well - but the way it's presented at first feels a little off. The overall feel of this story is very careful and honest and thoughtful, but that paragraph that starts with 'Except Pansy'? The part where Draco is elaborating how much she means to him, how much he loves her, how she saved him etc? It feels rushed. It doesn't tie in with the whole vibe of this lovely story. You have a talent for showing, not telling. That paragraph and the one that follows feels more like you are telling, not showing. I hope I'm making sense.

Aside from that little bump in the road, I think the paragraphs that follow are on track. You show more and tell less again - I like that. The second part of this story that features the two of them is just so full of emotion and longing that I almost want them to stop and end it. That's a mark of a great story right there. When you affect readers that way, you know you're doing your job as a writer. See, you are so talented. Your style shines in those scenes when your characters are in action and you explore the scene, so I hope you keep that up and don't rush things. I really feel the wretchedness of their relationship as I am reading this and I cannot help but feel for your characters. They simply don't work and that's just sad.

Your ending is clever. You wrap up the story quite well with going back to the whole alone theme, so well done! Overall, I enjoy reading this story. Plus, minor characters like Pansy Parkinson are just not getting enough exposure out there, so thank you for writing her. I like your writing style in general, but keep writing and keep improving, kk? That's it for me! I'll see you around! ^_^

Author's Response: What a fantastic review, you must have taken so much time out to to do this so I really, really appreciate it.

RUBBISH! Of course, it's my Scottish dialect sneaking into my writing as it tends to do every now and then. I'll have to go back and change that, litter definitely seems more appropriate, thanks for pointing that out.

Ahh, commas. The bane of my existence, I knew they were bound to be mentioned. I do try to read things aloud and see how it sounds but sometimes I tend to overdo it just to be safe. It's a terrible habit and one I'm working on. It does distract from my writing though and I'm glad you've pointed out that paragraph in particular, I'll definitely go back and fix it.

His relationship with Pansy was a challenge for me. Trying to show just how much she meant to him in so few words. I was trying to portray that she is everything to him without it coming across as cliche or cheesy.

Anyways, thanks so much for your lovely words. You almost had me blushing! haha.

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Review #14, by LadyMalfoy23 Alone

30th January 2011:
hey, ladymalfoy23 from the forums!! :D

This was a strong passage. A VERY strong passage. You used so many metaphors and similes and it brought the emotions you were trying to portray out. This story was amazing, always having me begging for more wandering what will happen next. I think you handled both Pansy and Draco very well, post war draco is always one i love to read. This was nearly as perfect to how anyone with remorse for being on the "wrong" side of the war may feel. You did a fantastic job here, and i am glad i got to opportunity to read this.

Author's Response: Hi ladymalfoy, thank you so much for your lovely review. I'm so glad you liked it. Post-war Draco is extremely intriguing (I recently wrote a whole blog about him!) so I'm really pleased you feel I've handled him well. Your review brightened up my day :)

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Review #15, by AC_rules Alone

28th January 2011:
It's acrules from the foums (obviouslly...).
This is a really good entry for the challenge - it fits all my requirements, for start, and it's well written and believable. I thought Pansy was a little mean, but I guess I wouldn't be too happy if Draco was doing the same to me - and you portrayed the relationship really well.

I really liked the style you wrote it in too, but for some reason i felt it changed slightly halfway through - then again, I actually think that's just me being a bit weird and reading things in weird ways.

Great entry! :)

Author's Response: Yes, I thought of doing it the other way around, with Draco being the mean one but that seemed too obvious. And really, him neglecting her was mean in its own way.

It may well have done actually, it may be because the first half doesn't have any dialogue compared to the second half so maybe it does change slightly. I can't say I really noticed this though, but I edited it to death over a period of days, so it could have changed as I added and added to it.

Thank you for reviewing, it was a great challenge, I really enjoyed trying something new :)

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