Hello again, Leo! Next chapter brings another review :) Hope the last one wasn't too critical and bad. I'm in a reviewing rut...
'The air was still frigid, it had snowed the whole night.' -comma splice here. Watch for these ;)
From the 3rd chapter:
' I hit me might want to tell us to do the spell.' -It?
So I'm combining reviews into this one review, so I'll read and review more stories this way, but I have to say that I'm finding myself not necessarily confused with this story but rushed in an odd way. Hmm. Like the plot is moving along, even though the histories bring it down a bit, but the characters are hard to feel for. And I do apologize if this review is too harsh, it's just that I've read your other stories and this one isn't as strong as the others...
This story is harder than most because of the location (lack of Hogwarts) and the fact that all the characters are OCs. Yet, putting a lack of Hogwarts aside because that part doesn't weigh into my thoughts here, I'm just not feeling any attachment to the characters here. I don't get a sense of their personalities as much. I think they need to come across stronger. Not like stronger like a personality trait, but maybe more fleshed out. I would like to know Aurora's internal thoughts more and what exactly she is thinking. There is more questions and history than anything else and I think that's bringing the story down :(
In my opinion, characters and my responses to them and their situation drives the story and it's hard for me to feel a connection to your characters and therefore your story here. Which has so much potential! There is clearly so much to learn about Riga and the politics with Russia! You have done so much research and it shows! I just feel that maybe the characters need to breathe more and get more airtime than the histories. Histories are learned gradually and not necessarily in truth, which you show well here, but still too much history in one paragraph. I know nothing about the characters and that's very important to me as a reader.
Besides the characters, I still think a lot more description is needed. In one line Aurora and Allie go from one place to another location that are nothing alike. It's hard to tell those differences without being told them in full detail. Otherwise, I really love the mention of politics and the infusion of muggle history and wizard history. I also loved the language parts and hope to learn more and more as this story continues :) Basically, the theme of my review is, more is always better lol. Hope this wasn't too harsh and feel free to message me if you want me to explain further or give concrete examples!
EllieAuthor's Response: Phew, I'm /finally/ back!
Okay, first off, I really appreciate your feedback, and even though you think it is a little harsh, I think this story needs it. It didn't give me as much as the others either, and I just couldn't put my finger on it. So I think a thorough revision is in order ;)
Thanks so much, this sparked some motivation I was lacking!
xox Leo Report Review
Hey Leo! It's been ages since I've promised this review, but here I finally am! So let's get crackin! I believe I owe you a million reviews, just for patience sakes haha.
Already this story seems intriguing since it takes place in such a distant land. Honestly, I've never heard of Riga or Livonija at all so let's see where you take us :) OliveOil_Med's really made such an interesting challenge, I'm glad to finally read some of the submissions for it!
'I pulled my fur-lined cloak tighter around me, letting my eyes stray over the crowd on the platform before the voices behind me startled me out of my thoughts and I climbed down from the train.' -This sentence, while I understand what everything meant etc, was a jumble in my mouth as I tried to read along. I suggest breaking it up more, maybe before "I climbed"...
"You'll be seeing your rooms, and the study hall, girls, -Unnecessary comma after rooms
I'm a wee bit confused, they are being taught by both an old lady widow who follows her husband around or a young scholar who did well on his exams? (Later comment) Ah I see now. Maybe that could be made clearer in the dialogue :)
I'm interested in the political ramifications of the Russian government and why there is no school. Seems very interesting and not typical. I like that about this piece a lot :) We get to explore along with the protagonist.
'You will have to take a peek int the Latvian history to understand..' -into and three dots after understand or one if you didn't mean for the line to come across like a pause. You might want to read over punctuation in that paragraph altogether ;)
Hm there is definitely a lot of history and background going on here, more than I thought would occur in the first chapter. I kind-off expected this to tug me into something a bit more, but I am curious if the nervous wizard is lying or not. It's hard to get his character from this chapter though, so I think his features and mannerisms, along with Madam's, could be expanded on.
Overall, I can see a lot of potential with the plotline and characters given that this is not a typical setting. I'm curious though which time period this is in. Probably Second War but I'm unsure. Also, I think there could be more description like Moriah's story. I felt that this was more informational, and maybe rushed, rather than really detailed. The later is my preference obviously lol but I understand different styles for different types of narratives :P Sorry I couldn't be more helpful dear! Onto the next chapter!
EllieAuthor's Response: Finally, I get to answer your reviews. You always put such an effort into them :)
I appreciate you pointing out the punctuation issues, I was in a rush when I posted this.
Also, I don't write first person narrative so often because I don't like it as much and wanted to practice a bit. So some edits are in order.
I didn't know anything either about the country (Livonia is an old name for a province of today's Latvia). But it is really interesting, and I already left most of it out. Still not enough, it seems ;) I'll see what I can do about that, and about the teachers.
Thanks for that detailed review!
xox Leo Report Review
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