I don't even want to go into how long it's been since your request. I really do apologise for the tardiness of this! At least I didn't forget about you, though!
And thank God that I didn't forget about you or this lovely story. James II/OC never get old. I always love reading them and I loved reading this just as much as all the others I have read.
Now. To address the concerns in your request.
Dialogue-narrative balance. Now, this is a toughie. See, what is brilliant about your story is that you dive right in. You don't have long, "Hi my name is and my best friends are and I am exactly this many seconds old and I am about to spend the next thousand words giving you little details about my life so exact to the point that you will probably know me better than I know myself" paragraphs throughout this. Which is a really good thing. You dove right in. And I love when writers that. Sure, a bit of context is good, but not so much that the reader starts becoming overwhelmed with detail. You're giving the reader credit. We know who James is. And you acknowledge that. You just put him into a setting with his friends and, bam. The story goes off.
Having said that, I think that you can provide a little bit more context. Again, don't get bogged down with describing every fleck in the iris of his eyes, but give us a little bit more about the type of person that James is. You don't need to go through his family and cousins, but just talk more about what he is, what he likes, what he doesn't like, what makes him tick, that type of thing. Does that kind of make sense? While I absolutely adore what you have so far, I think that you need to contextualise the story a little bit.
The dialogue is brilliant. And I can tell that the characters are very comfortable with each other. I think that the trouble is that I'm not comfortable with the characters. Don't take it harshly! I love them. I really do. And I love the interplay between them. I just don't know them well enough to get to the point where I can read a friendly conversation between them without wanting more... again, I don't know how much sense I'm making. But hopefully you can find some point in everything I just rambled on about.
Next in your request. Is it interesting? Of course it is. I love the characters. I love the way they talk to one another. And I can tell that I'm going to love where the plot is going to go. So, yes. It is definitely interesting.
Flow. Also fine, but I think you might want a bit more at the start of Chapter 2. The jump from Chapter 1 to Chapter 2 could be a little bit smoother.
Characterisation. I already talked a bit about this. Develop your characters more. I love them already but I want to really know the type of people they are, their personalities, etc.
Other than that, you're right on track to writing what I can easily see as a brilliant story.
Joop. Report Review
This time it was me that shrieked, was a dignified scream in fairness, very manly. - OMG I'M STILL LAUGHING AS I TYPE THIS REVIEW.
"Thanks?" I proffered, part apology, part sincere thanks. - So cute and so James!
Grabbed the first things I saw, merely adding to the artfully disheveled look, - HAHAHAHA he's as bad as Scorpius. :P
Eventful wouldn't even begin to cover this chapter. EPIC might. Yeah, I think epic is just about right. Woo! Go, Frida! ;)
Honestly don't know what else to say except this was HILARO, SO MUCH FUN TO READ, WITTY, ETC. ETC. I think you get the point, yeah?
♥ Report Review
OMG NEW JACK STORY.
Was literally covering my mouth the whole time I was reading this because a.) this was so flipping funny - dialogues, timing, description, everything!, and b.) I'm reading this in the office when am supposed to reading some serious stuff and therefore laughing wouldn't exactly be appropriate.
ANYHOW, -FLAILS SOME MORE-.
Love this. Love James, all cocky and adorable and whatnot. And Sophie seems like such a sweetheart. But Lucy, OMGLUCY. She's EPIC. Amazing. Funny. Beautiful. I'd paste my favorite lines here, but they aren't 12+, so I'm pretty sure you know which ones I'm referring to. :P
Really, though, this story is so YOU, yet still quite different from the others. You're just so darn good at this and now I cannot wait to read more!!!
-flies to the next chapter-
P.S. I MISSED YOUR STORIES LIKE WHOA. Report Review
I have come to the conclusion that your style, the way you leave out the subject in sentences, is not that bothersome after all. It just needs getting used to. As a reader, you may or may not fall in love with it right away, but it grows on you - it is growing on me anyway. :P It's too early to say for now with only two chapters in, but I think it depends on what is happening on a chapter whether the style works or not. I quite enjoy it this time. Possibly because James is moving about, which means that the scenes are fast-paced, so the urgency that your style suggests is working better. That's my theory. lol
I have another theory! Ha! I think the Five Minute Rule is this: never chat up a ditzy girls for more than 5 minutes or they'll think you're actually interested and/or you're planning to take them back to your place... or something like that. Yes? No? I'm curious! Teehee. But I suppose you can't really tell me and I have to wait for the next chapters. *sigh* Oh, well. Just giving it a shot. *wink*
Poor Frida Patil. If you think about the whole ordeal carefully, it's actually pretty morbid and icky, but... is it mean to laugh so hard when she Splinched herself? Teehee. You can just take any scenario and make a comedy out of it, I think. That's talent, man. Mind you, I find that part when James put Dittany on her injury quite scary. What if the cut sealed itself and her hand wasn't attached in time? Ewww. Then again, they can do magic, so maybe I'm just overreacting. :P
I like the little tidbits about James, especially that one about his mahogany wand. I'm not sure if it's just pure coincidence or you really did your research, but James Potter's wand was made from mahogany wood in canon, yeah? I just love how it all ties in with the details from the books. Details are love and it's always nice to see them in Next Gen fics like this. Good catch!
About details. Er, I'm quite certain it's mokeskin, not mokeskine - the pouch from Hagrid. I can be wrong, you know? Haha. I'm not sure if you invented a new word or something or your copy of the book says mokeskine, but I have the US Hardback Edition on me and it does say mokeskin. Better check that one out.
Had been an excessively difficult mornings work. --> morning's
She'd tell me if she wanted too. --> to
Again, watch out for those commas. You do have some hits and misses again. Oh! And there are odd places where you shift tenses from past to present as well. See, they are not really so distracting this time, because this chapter is so fab, but it pays to be mindful about the little things like that sometimes, so I think I should point them out.
You know, I sort of understand now why you're 'all kinds of famous'. Your brand of humour is very light and catchy. I find myself laughing out loud a lot of times. Yay! It's not over the top funny or corny funny and I like it a lot. If you ask me, the best humour fics are the ones that explore the characters and James here is just absolutely adorable. Great comedic timing, man. I love him on this one.
Speaking of James - he's so full of himself, no? Teehee. I like those bits about him finding time to pat himself in the back in the midst of all the fiasco. These lines are my favourites:
"...clearly just using me for my body, which was admittedly in pretty decent shape."
"A small pang of self-loathing hit me, but was quickly brushed aside by the look in the mirror."
Gosh. Talk about a huge ego! I adore it, though. You've done a good job NOT making him come off as annoying, despite the fact that the guys is indeed in love with himself. I think he actually hates Scorpius because he sees himself in his cousin's guy. I can't help but laugh when James is describing Scorpius Malfoy, because I actually think exactly the same way about his character. Too funny!
Again, you character interactions are very natural and easy - keep it up! James is such a dolt, calling up his friends for almost everything. Haha. No wonder they're almost treating him like someone who needs to be taken cared of. :P Good material for comedy, though, I give you that. The idea is actually pretty original. I like it. I can tell that the real fun is just about to start, so I'm very excited to read more from this story.
All right, that is it! Overall, another enjoyable read for me, so thank you for dropping by my thread and requesting! And it's nice to meet you! Sort of. Haha. Feel free to re-request anytime, kk? You are a such talented writer (not that you needed me to tell you that :P), so keep writing and improving! See you around! ^_^ Report Review
Okay so I'm pretty sure you're the only person on the face of the planet who understand my deep-rooted love for James I and James II, so when I say that I freaking adore your characterization of James, you know I mean serious business, lol.
Seriously, though, not only is James fabulous, but the rest of his co-stars are as well. Including Rose, as detestable as she is. I think we should start a Rose bashing club. It'd be easy and fun and free, for the most part.
So, back to the chapter. Yeah, I got an advanced preview of it, but I read it again and ugh, it's just as good, if not better, than it was the first time around. I laughed so hard it felt like my spleen was going to fall out, which, of course, is a very good thing.
Just...love it. I love the humor, the dialogue, the characters - everything. It's perfect. Report Review
Hello again. :)
I like the misadventure in this chapter. I'm also impressed that you managed to keep James likeable even though he's a bit promiscuous and reckless when it comes to girls. Sophie and Lucy seem pretty tolerant of this, but I guess that they're used to James's behaviors.
I did see one typo though: "They lady claimed the Healer had accidentally given her an extra personality! " I think that should be "The lady." Another thing about that style of writing, I think it could work if you only use for James's inner thoughts, but I think it feels very odd when people just talk like that. Rose and Sophie both have a few sentences that are cut off (not just the "I" but also the other beginnings). I'm sure you have a reason for doing this, but it just feels odd, since no one really talks like that.
Overall, another great chapter! I am interested to see what happens to these characters next. Report Review
This first chapter was overall very enjoyable. I like the premise. Having James II be friends with Lucy is very original, since Percy's kids are often written as stuck-up. The dynamic between James, Sophie and Lucy is great. I really get a sense of their relationships from the interactions, so great job there.
The characters all seem to be good. They're witty and easy going, it seems. This was a relatively short chapter, so I think its fine that I don't feel like I completely know the characters yet. The pacing was such that you were able to introduce the characters well, even if there wasn't much action.
For the most part, spelling and grammar seemed good. I did notice that you left out the "I" in most case (So you said "Really felt sure of this" instead of "I really felt...") While I assume you're trying to do it for stylistic reasons, I find it a bit distracting. Since it's normal to include the "I," when it's not there I found my self stopping and rereading, at first to see if it was a typo, then to wonder why you were going that. While it is a style, I suppose, I feel like it breaks up the narrative.
Overall though, this was an enjoyable first chapter. I'm excited to read more. =] Report Review
I don't understand how you do it. I mean, really, I was just laughing throughout this whole thing. SO. BRILLIANT.
And this: "...up out of nowhere and punched him and it just got real.”
I was laughing OUT LOUD. Which doesn't normally happen. Because usually I'm LQTM (laughing quietly to myself).
RinAuthor's Response: RIN.
None of this ridiculousness from you!
That little bit was a lot, a lot of fun to write. Especially the end bit you quoted. Was imagining James with crazy eyes looking more than a bit panicked :P
I'm glad I could make you laugh! Laughter is good for the world, could all do with a bit more of it ^^
THANK YOU SO MUCH LOVELY! Report Review
Hello, Jack! ^_^
Yes, yes, we've never met, but... er, your reputation precedes you? Haha. I see you all the time around TGS and it feels silly to call you inti when I know your name, so I hope you don't mind if I call you Jack. See, Humour is my absolute favourite genre and I have heard of your author's name floating around, so I'm really happy that you decided to come by my thread. I have to thank you now, because it's been an enjoyable read for me.
Two of my favourite formats when beginning a story are 1. the use of dialogue and 2. the use of a killer one-liner or powerful sentences. It doesn't begin with a one-liner, but I must say, the start of this story is rather strong. It takes the readers in and that's always what you want in your introductory chapter, yeah? Nice job.
I'm not sure if this is how you write your other stories, but you have a very engaging and easy style as a writer. I like it. Very straightforward as well, which is very appropriate and fitting for this story. You don't drown your readers with descriptions or flowery words and I think that's a very wise choice. This story is all about the characters and I can see that you've developed James pretty well. I can't really gauge the girls' personalities that well just yet, because this is only the first chapter, but the way you play out their characters with James is fantastic.
*wears annoying, picky hat*
I have two issues about this. First, your punctuation (read: comma) misses. Authors are either comma-happy or comma-haters - you're neither. Haha. In general, you have a good grasp of their use. Just some odd places where they are absent when they should be there. For example, when someone's addressing another character:
"They're normal people James..." --> "They're normal people, James..."
Minor stuff, really. Nothing like a thorough editing cannot fix. *wink wink*
Second, some of the sentence structure. Those sentences where you omitted the "I"? They are very... distracting. At first, I'm all 'Oh, great! A new style. Wow. I've never seen that before.' But the more I read, the more I find them really, really irksome. I'm sorry! :S It's just an opinion. But see, they make the flow a little choppy at times and it reads as though James is making a report or something. Like: Did this, Did that, Made this, Made that etc. I hope I'm making sense. Maybe lessen them next time? Just a suggestion.
*takes off annoying, picky hat*
In your request, you want me to focus on your characters - let's talk about James. :P He's kind of an egghead, isn't he? I think I may be in love with him. Teehee. Just a little. But you know what I love about your characterisation of the guy? I get why he's always being friend zoned. His speech pattern, his thought process, the way he reacts, the way people react to him... they all fit. You flesh him out using dialogues and interactions - I love it. I think it's very nifty and mind you, it's not always very easy to do, so kudos for that. Keep it up, okay? Because that's actually one of the strengths of this story. Your MC is very real. ♥
Another strong point, and this is my favourite, are the character interactions. You understand people. You know how an easy friendship like this should work. You know, for me, a mark of a good author is most present in their characters and characters shine when you throw them in conversations. You've done a brilliant job with your dialogues that I cannot help but admire how natural and sincere your characters are again. Bravo. You don't have to tell us how close they are, because it shows. I love it. Again, keep it up.
This is a very promising start, so great job! I have to wrap this review up for now, though. Overall, it's really fun reading this story. You should be proud of this. Oh! And your banner is superb. ♥ Gina's graphics are ridiculous, no? I can look at it all day and just flail. :P
See you in Two! Keep writing! ^_^Author's Response: Ooh la-di-da, I feel all kinds of famous now :P Haha definitely call me Jack, would be weird if you went around calling me by my author name.
I actually prefer killing one-liners, only problem is I couldn't really think of one, so I decided moderately amusing dialogue was a better bet than a downright poor one-liner. Oh well, as long as people are amused enough to keep going, I guess it's done its job!
Yeah it's pretty similar, if anything there's more description in this than most of my other stuff! I do think that's where writing in first person helps a lot, can really just tell things as they appear. No one really thinks in properly poetic prose, well, at least I don't think they do :P So really I can just pull things in around James and call them as they appear. It does lead to quite a straightforward style, but I think it works.
Hahaha Gubby keeps yelling at me about my comma use, suppose if you are as well I should actually listen :P
Ahh the whole removal of the subject thing? It's something I've actually done more extremely in other stories! Like, really, really paring things back. Maybe it just isn't something that works for all stories, will definitely look at lessening it off in future chapters. Thanks for the crit :)
Hahaha that's pretty much the perfect word for him! He's not so much intellectual, but he's definitely not very in touch with the 'real world.' Ahh I'm really glad that came through. It's going to be quite a tricky thing to balance, he's got to be attractive enough to be appealing, but still self-sabotaging enough to never end up in a relationship. Can't really flesh that out through internal monologuing either, because he's completely clueless. As long as he keeps behaving, I think this story should hang together okay.
Oh good! I think that's actually going to be the most important part of the story. Because I need James to remain relatively clueless, the only way he'll actually be able to learn is through his friends - or just other characters. James, Sophie and Lucy will be the three main characters, but there will be somewhat of a circus surrounding them :P Basically I'm really glad it's working so far!
Gina is just freak. Sickeningly jealous of her graphics AND her writing! She's amazing.
Anyway, thank you so much for such an amazing review and I do hope you liked it! Report Review
Original plot. I like :)
The characters are written well, portrayed realistically in that humorous way. It'll be interesting to see how they develop. Personally I like Scorpius' character. I especially enjoy how James verbally trashes him. Makes for very entertaining reading.
One thing I'd like to point out is in the formatting, a few of the paragraphs just looked too close together for me to read comfortably. From 'She didn't answer her phone, so I decided I'd go and visit her' to 'then Apparated to Diagon Alley with a crack.'
Other than that, a fun story. :)Author's Response: Yay for originality! Glad you like.
I'm all about characters really, not much good at plotting, so I kind of just hang everything on them. Haha I muchly enjoyed writing Scorpius like that, the normal characterisation of him drives me insane, so kind of just took him the opposite way.
Thanks for that note on that formatting, I'll see what I can do with an edit.
Once again, I really am glad you liked it and thanks for reviewing! Report Review
i love this chapter!!
love james and the chaos that followed him. loved rose! her characterisation is excellent and scorpius made me laugh (knowing how much you adore him and all :P). i really like the inclusion of them, and the way you introduced them - nothing over the top, no big dramatic 'this is someone in my family speech' - it was smooth and real and very conversational!!
sophie is a brilliant character - i really really like her!
can't wait to read chapter 3Author's Response: Yay Kate!
I think James is just going to be one of those people, he doesn't look for it but chaos just chases him around. Don't have much of a feeling for either of them to be honest, never really written them at all. So Rose is kind of just an obnoxious overachiever and Scorpius is just... well, obnoxious :P Haha no real need to a dramatic introduction because a) we all know who they are and b) will all come out eventually.
Sophie is fun! She's just a cool kid basically. Thanks so much for reviewing, and for your beta work! Report Review
So glad you posted this. You're probably my favourite author on here. Ok yeah I love James Potter II too and this chapter is so perfect. I can't wait for more. And I highly approve of Sasha Pivovarova's casting as Sophie. I love her she is a fierce princess, haha. Anyway, getting highly excited for future chapters. Thank you!!Author's Response: Hahaha what? You be crazy talking! There's no way I can possibly be your favourite author! Still, completely lovely to hear xD
I was a bit hesitant to write James actually, there's just such a type of story that's written about him. Hopefully I've managed to do something a bit different with him.
Sasha Fierce! She is the ice princess to end all ice princesses, I absolutely love her. Good spot by the way ^^
Next chapter should be up in the next day or so, hopefully not longer than that. Now don't be ridiculous, it's me that should be thanking you! Lovely to hear from you again, and hopefully I do again soon! Report Review
Hello there! ^.^ (I went through and wrote this as I was re-reading the chapter, so the front part deals with things in order!)
I find the title both of the story and the chapter to be quite enjoyable.
Love the opening as dialogue. It's one of the things we learn in fiction class that's a sure-fire way of engaging the reader. It helps that it's a witty comment that made me smile.
I get a clear sense of the dynamic between the two opening characters in the beginning paragraphs. I love it so far!
I love the off-handed tone of the language; part of why I love a boy's p.o.v.! The dismissal of the subject in some sentences, as in "Couldn't help but notice Lucy's eyes beginning to gleam, and her finger starting to point." You do this quite nicely, calling only due attention to the casual, comfortable friendship between the two characters and I'm not left wondering "where the heck is that 'I'???"
The ordering scene is wonderful; often in attempts like these I've seen my writers (not that I'm territorial about them!) go too over the top. You've got this wonderfully witty subtlety that I'm really being able to connect with. It's fantastic, and I'm fully engaged in the story, smiling more often than not, the occasional snigger drawing attention from my dad down the hall.
I find that you have a knack for answering my questions directly after I have them. The most obvious example is with the Jasmine tea—I was just wondering about that when you came up with the hipster district. I love the sort of writers that are aware of their character's mindset, but more importantly, I think, the reader's mindset. It shows a self-awareness about your writing that is extremely gratifying to see, and makes the product joyful to read.
Probably my favorite line here is "Couldn't have some uncouth Weasley ruining the vibe." Uncouth is one of my favorite words to use in writing, so I might just be biased but it's a wonderful interjection.
I like the playful interaction that's displayed through the dialogue: it's believable and I look on their relationship, although this might be a strange word to employ in this context, fondly. It reminds me of my own friends and myself, so I suppose this helps warm me up to it.
Alright, onto your questions! (here's where I try to get organised)
1. It works wonderfully as a first chapter. You set up his dilemma nicely; through his own subconscious realisation at the beginning, and through his dialogue on his interaction with the "girl" (at this point I couldn't help but think, this poor sot needs help), and through the ending when you set it up clearly for us as readers. It does well at engaging me, making me feel a connection with the characters, and making me want to know if his friends will be able to clean him up and get him into a meaningful relationship. Despite the obvious fatheadedness about him, I still take a liking to James and hope that he grows up a pip.
2. Characterization! I could go on for days, but I'll give you the meat of the matter so as to sound intelligible.
First, your handling of their differing personalities is admirable. I love that you don't feel that you have to lay it out cut-and-dry for us, like "Sophie's a bit of a punk, she likes blahdeeblah. But here on the other hand, my cousin Lucy blah." You integrate their differences nicely through their actions, their choice of foods, and the language that they use. Although I have plenty more information on James because I have a direct link to his thoughts and reactions, I feel that I get almost an equal sense of the characters through the dialogue and interaction. It seems believable—I believe that the characters are real people, I'm not distracted by an obvious lack of flaws. But on the other hand, the flaws aren't over-the-top and I still believe they're humans instead of extensions of the writer.
One thing, one little tiny thing I might change is changing up, just a little, James's sentence structure. In his thoughts, I'm all for fragments, but generally when we speak, we occasionally begin a sentence as if we're going to complete it without it being part of a list. I suppose what I'm driving at is that I'd like, personally, to see a little more of "I was just getting to that!" or just "I" in the sentence. The truncated phrases are a great way to establish James' character and his relationship with the others, but after too many, I begin to remember there's someone behind James writing his part. Even though we all have specific mannerisms, I've never come across a real, live person so consistent in their use of sentences! Plus, it could be fun deciding which sentences you're going to shorten; you could do it for emphasis, as well as elongating sentences for emphasis. Syntax is a glorious tool!
Overall, this is a wonderful, wonderful beginning! I'll be keeping tabs, reviewing at your request and when I can. Sounds like you've got a sweet little plot bunny to care after that isn't going to tire out soon, can't wait to see where you take it!
10/10! Author's Response: O.o I don't even know where to start with this, it's that long and amazing! Guess I'll just start from the start as well :P
I think a good title is really important, less so chapter titles, but the main title has to at least be interesting.
Witty dialogue is pretty much my fall-back position, if I'm in doubt that'ÃƒÂ‚Ã‚Â™s what I revert to. It is a little bit lazy, but as long as it's working I think I'll stick with it!
That off-handed tone, and especially the lack of the object is definitely something I use a lot in my writing. I think it draws the reader in and shows just how comfortable the characters are in each others presence. Well, that'ÃƒÂ‚Ã‚Â™s what it's meant to do anyway. That and it kind of forces the reader to engage with the main protagonist.
Ordering scenes like that are tricky! Problem is you want to make them useful, actually contribute something to the story - rather than just being there for the sake of it.
That idea about getting into the readers and characters mindset is interesting. Getting into James' head isn't that difficult for me, what with me being a guy of roughly the same age and all that. The readers mindset though, I think it'Ã‚Â™s something to do with writing the sort of story I'd like to read, so as I'm writing it I'm looking at is as though I was a reader as well. Does that make sense?
Uncouth is a fantastic, fantastic word! Can really only be used sparingly though, otherwise it rather loses its awesomeness. Works perfectly for the Weasleys, though.
Yay for believable dialogue, transcending borders and all that. An Australian, writing an Englishman, read by an American - some things are just the same anywhere you go :P
Ahh I'm so glad it works. It'Ã‚Â™s one of those things, I wanted to make it pretty clear what was going to happen without just throwing it in your face and shouting THIS IS HOW IT'S GOING TO GO DOWN! Or, you know, something like that. James is an interesting character to write. While he'Ã‚Â™s definitely a bit in love with himself, he's still rather downtrodden - Sophie and Lucy really do walk all over him. Playing with his character, and the girls, as they try to improve him is just going to be all kinds of fun!
I really don't like info-dumping, especially when it comes to characters, so I actually try and avoid it as much as possible. I actually tend to get a bit carried away really, if you look over the chapter again, there'Ã‚Â™s hardly any physical description of them at all. I really should get around to mentioning what they all look like properly at some point shouldnÃ¢Â€Â™t I?
Flaws? Overrated if you ask me :P Really though, I think very few people have blatantly obvious flaws that get right up in your face straight away, certainly this POV doesn't really lend itself to highlighting them. Did try to show a little bit with each of them, James' bigheadedness (which I think you mentioned,) Lucy not being the classiest person going around. I think they do all have weaknesses, personal character flaws, hopefully they'Ã‚Â™ll come out as the story progresses! I kind of like making slightly too perfect characters, adds to the melodrama. Also, I really do think I should get points for not making one of them clumsy :P
Thanks so much for that point on James' sentence structure, it's a really good piece of advice, definitely something I'll look at in future chapters. Actually, Gubby (GubrathianFire) has been telling me to do the same thing, probably time I started listening!
I really am glad you liked it, and thank you so much for such an incredible review, I'm really not sure my reply did it justice in the slightest. It's fair late in the night here, so my writing definitely isn't quite where it could be. Still, I did my best, hopefully it gave you a bit of an idea as to why I did certain things. The next chapter is due to be validated any day now so you'll probably see me back in your thread very soon. Once again, thank you so much, I really do appreciate it. Report Review
you already know i love this jack but im going to tell you again!
i love your humour - you always make me laugh and i don't laugh easily. i have that 'meh you think you're funny but you're not' thing - im hard to please, lol.
love james - the poor soul. i just wanna sit him down and have a nice long chat to him. calmly and rationally.
lucy is amazing, as is sophie.
bring on chapter 2! oh wait, i've already seen it haven't i??
xDAuthor's Response: I can always live with that! In fact, more people should follow your example :P
Humour's a tricky thing isn't it? I basically try and write it so there's an element of truth to events, with a slightly melodramatic and ridiculous edge to it. Maybe it's quite an Australian thing? Either way, I'm glad you like it!
I think that's exactly what he needs, a good talking-to. You'll find that's somewhat what the girls do, only they're having a bit too much fun with him to do it calmly and rationally. Am a fairly big fan of the two girls, they're a lot of fun to write.
Hahaha you have, you have! Seeing it properly is always more fun though :P Thanks so much for the review, I'm heading over to Morocco and Peru story tonight! Report Review
Oh my wizard god, Jack, this is beyond fabulous. I was laughing from the moment I started this to the very end, and you know what? I'm still laughing. There might even be a little drool on my chin because of it, but whatever. That detail is not of import.
What is of import, however, is how amazing this story is! It's so refreshing to read a helpless James. I mean, yeah, he's a ladies' man as anyone would expect him to be with such lineage, but I love how he can't hold anything down, and how Soph and Lucy tease him to no end about it. Talking of, the chemistry between the three friends is so natural and organic; like it's believable that they'd all be friends and such. And of course, as always, your dialogue and wit was spot on. Seriously envious of you right now.
Anyway, fantastic job with this! I can't wait for the next chapter!Author's Response: No you! Seriously though, any time I hear that from you I'm actually just like -squee- in my head. Although, in fairness, given the amount you laugh, if I'm not managing to you laugh I probably should be worried. Thought that was quite an important detail, really. Added context, scope, a human element :P
I'm glad you like the idea! Just seemed to me that we tend to read male characters who are either like 'LAYDEEEZ' or are just completely clueless. Somewhere in the middle is always fun I reckon. That and there really is a complete difference between being able to pick girls up and being able to hold something down, and in that gap I reckon there's a pretty decent story. I knoww bad!Jack for going with the whole one guy-two girls friend dynamic again, I reckon it works though. Either that or I'm just comfortable writing it (/I'm a lazy writer) :P
Thanks so much for reviewing lovely, always amazing to hear from you! Report Review
Oh dude. I can't wait for more of this story! ^_^
I love the part when James is just like "and it just got real." Ahaha. I love him so much! I love how you introduced the characters. Very nice, very nice. :)Author's Response: Well I'll try not to make you wait too much longer then! I'm almost done with the second chapter, so should be on the queue very, very soon. Poor James, life's hard for some isn't it? :P Oh there's quite a few characters left, many more introductions to come - Lucy and Sophie ARE my favourites though.
Thanks so much for reviewing, much appreciated! Report Review
And Jack is back. Properly back.
I was a bit overly kind in my last review, because whilst good, it lacked a certain spark that this just oozes. Needs the italics. It's all very exciting and I'm actually ridiculously happy for you because of it. Or maybe I'm happy for me - I don't know.
James is stunning. And is looking pretty yummy in my head so always, always an added bonus. I love the voice; again, slipping back into your comfort zone but not in a bad way at all. It suits him and I do feel so sorry for him.
Is this Lucy going to be like proper Lucy that you've been wanting to write into something for ages? If so, very excited. If not, marginally less so but still excited. She looks like she's set to be a really good character. Same applies for Sophie, slightly harder to gauge at the minute but give me a chapter or two and I'm sure I'll love her.
I just absolutely adored the whole thing, which in all real honesty, I'm not sure I was expecting. There's such a charm to it and I can't put my finger quite on what makes it so; I think it's just James but that seems too easy.
I have to say the slight on English food and drink was not appreciated. Outdoor dining, however, is just impractical in such a constantly wet country. Saved by the mention of bacon and the use of the word sarnie. And mention of Sainsbury's. Either very good knowledge of us or nice research!
Favourite lines to finish:
- "Amelia." - This played out in the cutest voice EVER in my head.
- See Hugo for details and any further proof. - Harsh but funny.
- I would have replied, except my mouth was yummy fried pig - Laughed out loud.
- She didn't look like me did she? Please say she didn't look like me. That's just very weird. - Just because it seems rather Lucy (already making these judgements, probably not a good thing)
- No I did not get the girl! Did you not just hear how I nearly died when I had the girl? - Poor thing.
And stopping before it gets ridiculous. Summary: I'm excited, mildly offended, excited, in love with James, more excited, completely in awe and excited. It's refreshing, it's cute and it's going to be fabulous.
I swear, if you abandon this after 3 chapters, I'm going to raaage. Or cry. Or both.
xxAuthor's Response: I feel like I need a Jack is back dance, has such a nice sound to it!
Mm I know what you mean, was more a little one-shot to get me back into writing things. Well, that's what I'm going to keep telling myself anyway.
He's pretty damn good looking I have to say! Well, you'll see how I imagine him when the banner pops up. Pretty close to it anyway.
It's definitely a comfort zone voice, possibly a bit more refined and proper though? He is a bit downtrodden, but nothing like as much as Louis or similar.
I hope she is! Little bit too early to tell though. She's definitely not the same as the Lucy from Please. This one is actually quite nice, just... judgy haha. Plus she has a boyfriend who she's really quite happy with, which will all come out later of course. Sophie is definitely the quieter one, a bit more reserved than the other two who are rather... gregarious. I don't think she'll be overpowered by the others, will have to be careful of it though.
Charm is good! Really, really good. Think it's what I do best actually. I'd say there's definitely an element of it being James, he is rather fun.
Hahaha I know, I know, just can't help myself. Umm a mixture of both? Do know quite a bit, did have to do a little bit of research as well, though. Just to confirm and such.
That is a LOT of favourite lines! Will comment on a couple. Hugo one... if I can't write him, I can at least make fun of him :P
The Lucy one, it is very Lucy! Well, it's meant to be anyway. Judgement pretty much correct.
You are well beyond ridiculous! Really though, I'm so happy you liked it! I hope it's going to be fun and that people like it, should definitely get past three chapters.
Thank you so, so much.
xx Report Review
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