Reading Reviews for In Sickness And In Health
  
103 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Lostmyheart The Battle

15th April 2014:
Hi there!

I am here for your requested review :)

For starters, I would like to say that I already like the beginning of your story. It was a very dark, sad but yet believable start on the chapter, and I liked how you described Hermione's feelings.
That part with her not knowing it all and that she hoped she'd return. It showed a side of her that understood the magnitude of the war and she still had a small sense of hope. In my opinion you hit her character spot on, especially in this chapter.

The story had a very nice flow, I liked that you switched point of views - from Hermione to Draco, so we could see that he really wasn't a bad guy but he still wasn't a good guy either. I think it's because he was expecting a lot of hate, so he probably stayed away from Ginny and the rest.

It was nice, for me, that you skipped the beginning of the fight/war. I am personally not very fond of reading fighting scenes because they can be very confusing sometimes, so it was a huge plus for me that you skipped it to the important part - what this story is truly about. I don't think it was brought up too fast or aything like that. Draco and Hermione. I also liked Kinglsey's motivational speech, I believe that's what would've happened if the war was nearing.

I'm guessing that the story title has something to do with them being hit by that spell.
And of course he jumps in, trying to save her! *the inner Dramione fan in me squeals with joy*
I loved reading this chapter, it was very different and it really seemed like an important part of the story.

Well, I hope you found this review helpful and that I at least managed to answer one of your questions :) Feel free to re-request.

Big hug,
Avi

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Review #2, by Rumpelstiltskin Purgatory

6th March 2014:
I'm here for Blackout Bingo (number 5/15 of square 2, to keep track).

At least Hermione didn't fall into an alternate dimension, though that fall doesn't seem to have left her in very good condition. As for the dream, I hope that wasn't a premonition, because it felt an awful lot like ominous foreshadowing. It was ominous foreshadowing, wasn't it? Oh my gosh, what's going to happen now!?

I hope Draco get's her help, quickly; it doesn't seem like she's doing all that great.

Then the second dream -- with Hermione's own dead body. That's super spooky, please tell me this isn't a premonition! Oh my gosh, you can't just end the chapter there! Is she going to be okay? *Sigh* With the cliffhangers!

Great chapter!

-Rumpel

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Review #3, by Lululuna Information

1st March 2014:
Hello! :)

So I was so confused about what story to read about Gryffindor-Slytherin unity for the blackout battle. And then I realized... this story! Because Hermione is in Gryffindor, and Draco is a snake, and they're getting along and working together to achieve answers... it's just perfect for the challenge! And, I get to read more of your fantastic story! :)

I liked this chapter a lot and how we got to find out a little more about what's going on. I think Blaise and Pansy reacted very naturally. They were quite nasty to Hermione, but I think a lot of it was based on shock and the way they're supposed to react. I found them quite lovely once Hermione left, and they're clearly very loyal and helpful to Draco.

I love how Hermione keeps doing research and turns to books - it's so natural for her! The moment where she was speaking with Draco and he forgot his friends were there was adorable. :) As was the scene in the kitchen, hehe. I really like how comfortable they are around one another and the growing attraction.

Hmm, so Voldy might blame Draco for Lucius' death? The line about Draco realizing that Voldy preferred Lucius over him was so heartbreaking. And then the last line was very chilling, but it fits: how defending Hermione, and now being locked away with her, would definitely make Draco a target. I love how Hermione is clever enough to figure out and piece all this together as well.

I also liked the explanation for why Draco's friends couldn't tell him anything - because it might upset him and make him worse. That's so logical! It fit really well.

It's great seeing their relationship grow through each chapter, and their unity (hehe) improve throughout the story, even though they're a Slytherin and a Gryffindor, a pureblood and a muggleborn. You've made me really root for them and hope that they get better soon - but not too soon, because the world beyond the cottage seems quite dangerous!

Another great chapter that I thoroughly enjoyed! :)

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Review #4, by Lululuna Repercussions

1st March 2014:
Hello! :)

This was such a fantastic and adorable little chapter! I really liked getting into Draco's head a little and hearing what he's thinking about Hermione. The dream was amazing - it was the perfect reminder of what they've been through and how much it has affected Draco. One thing I found especially interesting was his guilt, and wondering what his place might be in the new post-war world. It's also really interesting seeing the effect the sickness has had not only on Draco's physical living situation, but also on his psychological well-being.

He was observant by nature, always had been. I really liked this, and how it shows both his natural character and how he's lying to himself about his attraction to Hermione. I like the idea of Draco being an observant person, and it would be useful for him as he was a Slytherin and a Death Eater. His growing fascination with watching Hermione is very intriguing as well, and verging on adorable.

Hmm, I'm a little nervous for when Blaise and Pansy find out about Hermione. Hermione's sass in responding to Draco was quite funny, but I'm worried that if she burst in on the Slytherins like Draco did with her friends that they might hex first and ask questions later. :( I hope she's careful, especially considering that she's still healing.

The mystery surrounding why nobody will tell them anything is so exciting! I like how Hermione thinks that Pansy and Blaise might be more likely to give some answers - that's quite crafty of her, in fact. I wonder if Draco is wearing off on her. :P

I like seeing how they're getting more comfortable with one another, and the little gestures like Draco making breakfast. The fight at the end seems more like familiar bickering than actual hostility, which is great to see. This was a lovely little chapter, and hopefully I'll be back for the next one soon! :)

Great job! :D

Gryffindor vs. Slytherin Blackout Battle - Review 7 of 10

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Review #5, by Lululuna Perseverance

28th February 2014:
Hello, I'm here for your requested review! :) I'm glad to have a chance to return to the story, and I think it's progressing very well.

I love all the description you used in the chapter, especially with describing Hermione's room! It felt very vivid and comfortable and I could really picture it. One phrase I especially liked was the wardrobe overflowing with clothes, and I also liked the mention of her journal. That seems like a very Hermione-ish thing to do.

It's nice to see Draco and Hermione beginning to get along more and more. The scene with the TV, where he got angry because he thought there were people trapped in there, just made me laugh so much! :P But it's actually a pretty reasonable reaction, I think, and showed how Draco does have some lingering compassion and worry about other people. I love how afterwards he was watching it again: clearly he was deprived by not having access to TV all his life! :)

I had a structural thought about the flashback, since the way it's formatted seems a little odd. Could you move the flashback up to be the second scene in the story, so put it in between "...strained and awkward." and "Two days had passed..." I think this would fit fine and flow a little more logically, because there doesn't really seem to be any reason why there should be a flashback when it could just be part of the natural flow of the story. :)

The look of shock on both Ron and Harry's faces resembled that of a hippogriff caught in headlights. Haha, I really liked this line, and the line before it as well with Malfoy's cheerful greeting.

The meeting with Harry and Ron felt very realistic for how they might react. I liked how they were worried about Hermione and how this might hurt her chances of getting better, but how they trusted her judgement. Hmm, interesting how they won't tell her about what's going on in the world... I'm curious! Also, I wonder if Pansy and Blaise will be as understanding as Harry and Ron were... something tells me that probably won't be the case. :P

A few things I picked out:

Does she explain the situation? This should be in past tense. "Did she explain the situation" or, if that sounds a little weird, I think "Should she explain the situation?" or "She wondered if she should explain the situation" would also fit.

"Make sure you get this to Harry Potter... I think this should be a new paragraph because dialogue is starting.

He was feeling uncomfortable enough trying to be civil to her, but being vulnerable as well, was a whole other story. Okay, this is a pretty nitpicky thing but we were talking about it in one of my classes the other day so I noticed it. Since the story is in limited/subjective third person where it focuses on Hermione's thoughts and feelings, jumping into Draco's head feels a little sudden. A way to work around this is to change the wording of the sentence to something like: "Hermione sensed he was feeling uncomfortable enough trying to be civil..." So the same thought comes across, but it's not as jarring.

The only thing they mentioned is that the Order and the Weasley family send their love to her, wishing she would be getting better as fast as possible. Again, past tense. I think it should be: "The only thing they mentioned was that the Order and the Weasley family sent their love to her, wishing she would get better as fast as possible." So I changed the "is", the "send" and the "she would be getting" here.

This was a great continuation of the last chapter, and seems like the story is continuing very nicely. I hope you find this review helpful. I really liked it, and feel free to re-request! :)

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Review #6, by lindslo2012 The Battle

20th February 2014:
Grace!
*waves hi*
Haven't talked to you in quite awhile! I'm here for your requested review.
I was pretty much hooked on this story from the very point I opened it. I LOVE dramione, and this seemed like such a different and unique situation that they are in. And yet it sounds soo much like what Bellatrix would do. She doesn't care who is in her way when she's cursing someone that darn mean woman, lol. She's a very vicious person and I feel bad that Draco and Hermione had to deal with that.
I saw no grammar issues in this chapter what soever and I enjoyed all the description. Can't wait to read on!
-Lindsey

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Review #7, by adluvshp Purgatory

19th February 2014:
Hey! I am glad you continue to work on this story. It is getting more interesting =) I wonder when Hermione will recover and when she does, will she still be the "same"? As for Draco, his worry is evident and I hope to see more development between their relationship once she wakes up and he cares for her and all.

I think this story is going in a good direction. Perhaps some more description and smoothing out the grammar/sentence phrasing could make it all the more better. Apart from that, good job.

Keep writing!
Cheers,
AD
(AditiDraco95)

Author's Response: Heya! Yeah I am slowly chipping away at it, in between my crazy schedule!!

Ahh will she or won't she? Will she remember? o. scandal :P

Draco is a bit of an enigma right now, you'll have to wait a chapter or two to see where these two have ended up :)

Thank you! I know i have a lot to go on my story edit-wise, and will be looking at that over the next month or so :D

Thanks for the review :D

Grace :)


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Review #8, by MidnightBlue_x Perseverance

5th February 2014:
So let's get started straight away.

I liked how this chapter carried on from the last- sure it's not the same day, but it was nice to see the mention of the letter from the last chapter. The fact that Hermione is struggling with writing a letter to Harry and Ron was very nice to read. Even though it is definitely not her fault, it's never easy getting back in contact with someone after a decent amount of time has passed. I think the fact you even included that is wonderful.

I'm already loving the development between Hermione and Draco. I especially loved the scene with the television- it definitely made me laugh. I think the fact that Ron is angry about Hermione's situation immediately without even bothering to get the full story is so very him. Especially as Harry is a bit more willing to accept what's happening. I personally don't think you have to worry about them being in character, I think you've written them very well.

As for the flow, I don't think there is anything majorly wrong. I'd suggest maybe stretching out the scene with Harry and Ron a bit more- like I said in my last review, maybe a little bit more description. Perhaps you could have Hermione brew some tea while she talks to them or something. That's just my personal opinion though!

I can't wait to see Pansy and Blaise (in the next chapter, I assume) especially how they are going to interact with Hermione. I hope I haven't scared you away with my slowness, and I hope you can re-request sometime in the future.

x Ely

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Review #9, by MidnightBlue_x Healing in Hell?

5th February 2014:
Hi, this is ElysiumJayne here to finish your review request.

Firstly, I want to apologise for how long it took me to get to this review. I feel so terrible for making you wait over a month for these reviews. So without further ado, I'll start on the actual reviews now.

I know that you asked about the dialogue- I think that it's quite well done, the only thing I'd suggest would be to maybe add some descriptions in between some of the lines. Maybe Hermione taking note of some of her surroundings? Or a sudden sharp pain in her leg? I don't know, but something to just break it up a little. I don't think there is too much dialogue, but adding even just a few lines of description here and there would make it flow a little better, I think.

You also asked about the characterisation and reactions of Hermione and Draco. I think they were done very well. I especially liked how their reactions differed- Draco was sort of in a state where he refused to believe it while Hermione was clearly upset. I think it's very realistic that they would have these different reactions and the ones you chose seem very in-character to me. I'm excited to see how Harry and Ron respond to this.

Anyway, loved the chapter and I once again want to say sorry for taking such a long time to get this done. I'll see you in the next chapter.

x Ely

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Review #10, by LightLeviosa5443 Perseverance

8th January 2014:
Hi!

This chapter was really interesting. I liked reading about Harry and Ron's reactions to Hermione staying with Draco until they're both healed. It was very entertaining. Though Ron did get over his anger quicker than I would've thought. Then again, war does change a man!

Great chappie!

xoxo LL

Author's Response: Hello again! Great to see you've come back :)

Haha i had to bring in some Harry and Ron, i just didnt't think it would be a good story if i left them out for too long!
I am considering changing up Ron's anger, as i have had some people say its a bit intense, so i'll look into it :D

Thank!! Love your reviews!!

Grace xx


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Review #11, by Unwritten Curse The Battle

7th January 2014:
Hello, hello! Sorry it has taken me so long to get to your review. Life threw me some unexpected curveballs. I hope you'll forgive my lateness!

Probably my favorite part of the chapter (which is silly because it's only one line) was: "Merlin help me, I wonder which side will kill me first..." It was so genuine that it struck me. I think Draco is a really interesting character, especially during this time, because his loyalties are super gray. He's torn between following the family tradition/staying alive, and doing the proper thing. I think this reflection is spot on and conveys the sticky position he's in.

Something that confused me a bit was the ending. If this is the final battle, how are both Draco and Hermione able to pause and just watch. Wouldn't they get struck with a curse? I found it a bit unbelievable. Maybe if you established the scene, showed us where characters are standing, how many are there, how intense the action is, then we'd understand how this latent watching is possible. Just a thought.

I'm not the biggest fan of action (which you know from my Review Thread), so I'm afraid I'm not going to be much help with this chapter overall. I think the sense of foreboding is nicely established and I'm sensing a Dramione feel, which I love. So please feel free to request again so that I can comment more on character development and plot.

-- Gina

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Review #12, by Lady of Tears The Battle

6th January 2014:
I'm here with your review...and since no one else requested I might just keep going because I'm in a reviewing kind of mood, haha.

I'm not sure what other people have said, so if I repeat myself, let me know!

I haven't had the chance to read much Hermione/Draco, but I like the way you're setting this up. It feels true to character. Hermione's not instantly attracted or thinking lucious Draco thoughts. Which is nice. I think, based on the story description, this plot is fantastically original. I'm a big fan of AU stories. :)

I especially like Draco so far. The thoughts inside his head are right on form!

The thing I wanted more of was background. I felt we got the barebones of this "new world" at the beginning, but I wanted more, haha. I guess I wanted more of set-up of this new reality before the battle began.

I think this is really interesting overall and well written!

Author's Response: Hi there!!

I am glad you like the idea so far! I have tried my best to make it original and interesting, without being cliche. I hate cliche Dramiones, so a slow-going relationship is the way to go, and I'm happy you think it is working from the beginning.

Hehe Draco is my fave character to write, so hopefully I continue to do him justice!

That's a point, I didn't want to overload the first chapter, but there is definitely more I could add in, so I'll take that on board!

Thanks you much for reviewing! I'm glad you like it :D

Grace


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Review #13, by Rumpelstiltskin Killing Time

30th December 2013:
I am here under the guise of the 4th day of 12 Days of Reviewing! (I told you I would be here :P.)

I would imagine that Narcissa would be quite upset, given the fact that the Dark Lord is not very happy with Draco, at the moment.

I'm happy to see that Pansy is receiving a bit of recognition in this. Based on what Rowling gave us for her characterization, which was next-to-nothing, I think that you're going above and beyond with her. She actually seems, given certain circumstances, like a decent person as well as a good friend to Draco. Well, she DID receive a reward (shopping!) for spending time with Draco's mother, though.

Given what I have seen of Blaise and Pansy in this, I can see how they COULD become friends with Hermione realistically. Like Draco surmised, however, they would all HAVE to set aside their prejudices and old grudges. That's one of the things I enjoy most about this story. Many of the Dramione's that I have read don't hold a realistic sense of how-in-the-world Draco and Hermione would end up together. In this, however, you've provided a set of circumstances in which they could get along realistically. As they are slowly becoming friends, an eventual love interest between them would be applicable, and I think that you've done a fantastic job with this!

The imagery you provided while Draco was observing Hermione while she slept was lovely. I feel awful for Hermione though! I wonder why she hasn't healed like Draco has. Those two better get on finding information in those books ;).

Beautiful eyes and...your chicken is burning! That made me laugh. What I found even more amusing was that, for an instance, Draco was attempting to find a hidden meaning behind that statement.

Holy crows, what happened to the ground?! Well, obviously it disappeared, but why? Is Hermione alright? Oh my goodness, what is happening?! Suspense...-_-. I love and hate cliffhangers all at the same time. I love the sense of suspense and wonderment they provide, but I hate that I have to wait until the next update to figure out what happened!!

Fantastic chapter!

-Rumpel

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Review #14, by MidnightBlue_x The Battle

22nd December 2013:
Hi there! This is ElysiumJayne from over at the forums and I'm here to fulfil your request. Before I get started with the actual review there are a few things I'd like to say. Firstly, I'm sorry this review took a little longer than I expected to get to, usually I do them almost straight away but with Christmas upon us I've been busy than I thought. Secondly, this isn't mention on my original post, but I review three chapters for each request. So I'm going to review the first three with this request and then you can re-request for any more, if you wish to do so. Anyway, let's get started.

You said you were worried as to whether the story seemed rushed with the battle happening straight away. Personally, I think this makes the story much more enjoyable. Draco and Hermione are canon characters and despite this being a bit AU, we know the basics of what they think about the war and what they're doing etc. Because of this, I think going straight into the battle is the best thing you could have done. Otherwise, I feel like the story might have dragged too much and that your readers would lose interest. The battle makes it exciting, fast-paced, interesting etc.

Another thing you mentioned was characterisation- I don't really read much about these two, but I think the fact that Hermione sort of agreed to Draco being there but was also a bit hesitant was perfect. I can't imagine her being 100% supportive of either decision, but her being sort of 50/50 is more like her in my opinion. Obviously, there isn't much Draco in this chapter but what we did see of him was pretty believable.

Finally, description wise- it's pretty good. I know how difficult it can be to write battle scenes, especially the final battle but I think you did a good job. The only thing I'd suggest is to maybe extend that last passage a little, I think you could add a little bit more onto that which would really benefit the story- you know, add a little bit more drama and whatnot. I'll leave this review at that so I can start on the next one!

x Ely

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Review #15, by Stunned Killing Time

19th December 2013:
FLIPPING HECK HOW COULD YOU LEAVE IT ON SORT OF A CLIFFHANGER?! I REALLY WANT TO KNOW ABOUT WHETHER HERMIONE IS GOING TO BE OKAY OR NOT!!!
Anyway, a super chapter this story is very captivating and original, I love the idea and how you're writing it, keep it up. :)
Merry Christmas!
Love, Stunned x

Author's Response: Awww, I'm sorry, I had to leave it there! I am writing the next chapter currently (as you can tell, I'm a bit distracted) so you will get to know what happens soon!

So happy you are enjoying it so far! Thank you for reading! :)

Merry Christmas to you too!
Grace


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Review #16, by Iellwen Healing in Hell?

11th December 2013:
It's okay to have little dialog and more narration but you need to air the paragraphs a little. Separate the ideas a bit more, especially when you use other tenses.

'what the flying fiddlesticks' no need to repeat the 'what the', it's funnier without :) And he didn't give her a heart attack, he almost did. Hermione's a know-it-all :D

'Are we in trouble or something?' didn't she just worry about her friends? What about the outcome of the war? Who won? Who died?

'Can I see the letter?' She's been out for two days and Malfoy went near her unconscious body. No fears there? And she asks for permission to see the letter, trying not to sound suspicious? Give her a little more credit; let her demand it at least.


Draco apologizing and offering a strange man a seat? I actually expected to read Hermione but hey, shock changes people!

Why is Dr. Cartwright called by his first name in the narration? None of the characters call him Harold since he's a total stranger, why should the reader?

And why is Draco Malfoy serving tea? Manually? Without a word of complaint? o_O


Nice Dramione plot with twists of originality; they're forced to get along through circumstances bigger than themselves and even live together. Though it's a surprise to hear about them getting a TV from St Mungo's.^^


You really should distinctively separate dialogs from the narration, it makes it easier to concentrate on the story progress.

It's fun to read so keep writing! :)

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Review #17, by Iellwen The Battle

11th December 2013:
Here's what I thought (it's long but don't worry, it doesn't mean it's bad)

1st Part:

a melancholy look : do you mean either a melancholic look or a look of melancholy?

Hermione has that really cool bottomless bag, usually. The shrinking dufflebag is a nice idea, though. :)

Began to orchestrate the plan... Do you mean they all acted according to the plan they had gone over before the chapter or are they making one right now or are they going over what they planned? (just checking)

We do not know if the battle is going to be today, or in three days’ time: do you mean they don't know when exactly the war will break out and it could be anytime now or are there sources/informants that told Remus it all started either today or in 3 days?


2nd Part:

Is Draco terrified to receive a letter from his father or did he already get it?

The war is imminent so McGonagall should at least say "the castle is under attack" or "the war has started!". From what she says, this could very well be "just" a drill.

McGonagall goes from stern to pleasing in less than a minute, considering she does so while talking. Is Malfoy so important there's pleading? Wouldn't that imply they know sth about him that would reduce McGonagall to show a pleading side, even a hint, to a student such as Draco?
She apparently relies on him so why does he feel the good side might kill him. Because of the left-over Slytherins or did 'everyone else' actually mean every single students and teachers see him as an imposter?

3rd Part:

The emotions (or lack of) kind of confused me.

They're all scared, some are panicked and McGonagall even got that pleading moment.
But Hermione and Ginny's first words to each other aren't in the lines of "are you okay" and almost felt like "yeah I missed you too haha" after a summer apart, Hermione claims the worst about Grimmault Place was not having a female to talk too and goes to immediate judgemental Malfoy-gossip. Which is okay but I thought they were all scared?
Ginny 'Malfoy? I didn't even see him there' does she mean in the room atm or at all? (the last is improbable since she shares so much info about him). Then she goes 'here we go again, the old dudes are talking' when I expected sth around the lines of "it's starting" (I thought they were all scared and the war is starting?)


4th Part:

Quick switch but okay to adjust to.

Fog AND steady rain but Hermione sees so many emotions in Draco's eyes but doesn't recognize the student (though the ones fighting should be 5th years and up, right?). Let Draco's face be visible; she saw fear before and they're in the middle of the battle field right now and his father's dead.

'aimed at her, by* what she did ' but*, right? ^^

All in all, a nice chapter I enjoyed reading. Sorry if the review got too long I might have gotten carried away a little. :)

A few loose ends and unanswered/confusing questions (maybe that's just me) and that is so common it's not worth panicking over.
You sometimes used a bit to many commas (,) so the immediate feelings of fear etc... are a bit slower to come through (again, might just be me).


Bellatrix laughing maniacally... Nice touch. I'm forced to read the next chapter now^^

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Review #18, by Infinityx The Battle

10th December 2013:
Hello!

I thought the premise of your story, disregarding the DH, is really interesting! I was looking forward to reading about how the final battle came to take place.

I think you realized it yourself; the chapter does move at quite a fast pace. I found quite a few spelling errors, as well as a few missing commas, so maybe you should check for those.

I think the reason it's so rushed is because you haven't taken enough time to establish the characters, especially Draco's. What happened to him? Why wasn't he on the dark side? He's introduced very abruptly into the story.

I think you could have made this chapter a bit longer. If you could focus a bit more on the details to establish the setting and the characters, that would improve the pace.

The small conversation between Ginny and Hermione seems a little out of place. It seems too light-hearted in a situation where they're expecting a war to happen.

So overall, I think it's an interesting idea and a pretty good start. :)

- Erin

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Review #19, by MC_HK The Truth in The Orchard

8th December 2013:
Hello, here with your review.

The premise of this chapter was well executed. I liked that Draco opened up to Hermione a little, allowing them another opportunity to get closer. Your description was very well done, and I think you did a really good job of conveying emotions to the reader.

The only few things I do have to say are all of technical merit. There is probably an excess of commas (which I am honestly also guilty of). There are a few parts that use repetitive words like in the beginning you use Hermione's name twice in the same sentence right next to each other, when the second name could be replaced with "she". And I do want to ask about this part :

Regardless of all of that; his upbringing, his morals, the voice in his head was telling him that he was doing the right thing in telling Hermione his past.

I was curious about what in his upbringing would make him feel like it was right to confide in Hermione. Not trying to make you feel bad, but I'm interested to see why you felt that needed to be put in there since he's a pureblood and she's muggle-born.

Overall, a very good chapter, and I'm excited to read more.

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Review #20, by maskedmuggle The Battle

8th December 2013:
Hey there!

Here from the forums for your requested review. First off, the Hogwarts era while disregarding DH is a really interesting time to set a novel, and it's definitely interesting seeing your different take on the whole war. It's nice seeing that the trio are still hunting horcruxes while being able to share the Grimmauld House and the company of the Order.

I believe that this opening chapter is probably more to set the scene for the rest of the story - the Dramione curse, rather than truly focusing on the outcome of the war.. (sorry if I'm wrong) but I think through it you managed to accomplished a sense of intrigue - as the reader now wants to know what will happen to Hermione and what kind of curse she was hit with.. and of course - how Draco is as well. So, well done with that! as the opening chapter mainly serves to gain the interest of the reader! :) As such, I do wonder if the first scenes of this chapter are that necessary as I find that it is mainly the final scene of this chapter that brings the intrigue. The first few scenes of the story feel a bit 'filler' like (it lacked a sense of emergency and a sense of chaos), and I don't think that I, as a reader, get truly engaged in the story until the end. I feel like you could just have the final scene with a little bit about how after months of searching for horcruxes they were finally in the middle of the battle.. and it would work just as well, if not more effectively as an opening chapter.

Characterisation: Hermione is naturally quite difficult to characterise accurately as we know her so extremely well from the way JKR has written here, so I did find her quite OOC (out of character) at times, such as when she refers to Harry and Ron as "goons", and how she is uncharacteristically late and unprepared at the beginning. Although you write in the third person, the observation that "Harry was having a dangerous showdown with Voldemort behind Lucius Malfoy" is kind of from Hermione's point of view, and I find that the tone is way too casual when this fight is the most important of them all. It also seems very OOC that Hermione would be distracted by looking around her in the middle of a fight with Bellatrix of all people. I thought that this line described Hermione perfectly though! "She was embarrassed to admit it, but she was scared. For once, Hermione did not “know it all”." I also liked how you characterised Ginny, Malfoy and Remus as well!

I also spotted a few spelling/punctuation/grammar errors but nothing major: I believe putting commas after Harry and Ron in "Harry Ron and Hermione" would flow better. Try putting commas where you might stop pause briefly while you're saying it out loud. With "Harry ad Hermione" I'm sure you mean and. I think this sentence would sound better without the word back: "he was too much of an impostor to belong back."

I would also consider rephrasing these two sentences as they don't sound quite right: "Hermione's dufflebag was sitting on top of her bed, with a few items placed beside, ready to be packed and begin the next stage in her life." Replacing the and with to would make more sense. Also with this.. "Mr Malfoy, if Dumbledore was right about you, and I am hoping that by your presence here this year he was, that you know what is soon approaching us, and to protect all we know and love now, you will help us" she said to him, a hint of pleading visible in her eyes" it seems uncharacteristic of McGonagall to be 'pleading' (she is always so in control) and to express her doubts about Malfoy to his face. I would probably reword it to something like "Mr Malfoy, I believe that you know what is soon approaching us. If you wish to help us protect all we know and love now, your presence in the Great Hall would be welcomed."

Overall though, I found this to be a pretty good chapter, although as the first chapter of a novel I'd probably aim to make it a bit more dramatic to truly hook the reader in right from the very beginning. I do like your proposed novel plot though, and it would be interesting to see how the Dramione would play out! Also: I didn't mean to write so much but I hope this review helps you somehow anyway! Lastly: although your story disregards DH it still felt believable, so great job with that, and I quite enjoyed reading this!

- Charlotte/maskedmuggle :)

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Review #21, by ReeBee Healing in Hell?

6th December 2013:
Hi Grace! Here with your requested review! And it totally made my day that you rerequested!! :) okay, on to the review :)

The description was amazing- the room at the beginning! Wow- I could just imagine it! Amazing job! :) I only have a little bit of CC.

The first is the characterisation of Draco, it is done well, but there are some places where I think that it could be Bette. Some lines of dialogue sound a bit too chirpy and well, nice. Like, for instance, when he says "Morning Granger." It sounded a bit too happy. Maybe you could just have him say, "Granger." In a dry voice. Just a suggestion. Other than some lines of dialogue, characterisation on both sides was well done! Hermione's was brilliant!

Also, at the end, it may be more believable if you had Draco agreeing, but also expressing some unhappiness. Like, and maybe describe more emotions on his face? Might be good :)

Other than Rose two, this chapter was amazing! Very very interesting to read. I love that u have come up with perfect imaginative scenarios where Draco and Hermione are stuck together! I have seen authors try to do that In vain. So, congrats!

You have got me all curious! I can't wait to read more!

Feel free to rerequest!

-ReeBee

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Review #22, by Lululuna Healing in Hell?

6th December 2013:
Hello, I'm here for your review! :) Sorry for taking so long!

I really liked this chapter and it was so thorough and interesting! It flows really smooth and naturally, and really gets the plot going. I almost feel as if you could have started the story with this chapter, and explained what happened in the first chapter throughout the story, but that's just a thought. :) I thought the setting was really well set up and laid out, and could really imagine the cottage in my mind.

Hermione and Draco seem very in character here which was great to see. I liked how Hermione thought if she wasn't upset how she'd be excited about the books, and how she kept herself from swearing- that seemed very typical. She comes across as thoughtful and sharp, asking questions and trying to understand everything, which is very Hermione-ish and I really enjoyed her character and the little moments where she slipped and snapped at Draco.

Malfoy's rudeness was great as well and he seemed to stay in character. I feel like the Malfoy in your story is a little more thoughtful and careful than he's portrayed often, and I quite like him that way, since he maintains his snarky and stuck-up character but also has a relatable and likeable side which I hope will continue to come out. I'm not overly familiar with Dramiones but the dynamic between them is interesting and feels genuine, and I think that the premise of the disease is very original.

I really appreciate how you took the time to have Harold explain all these things in such detail, like what to do if they get sick, and all the things in the house like the board games and broom. In my opinion it's these little details which really make a story come to life and you've done very well with that. I had a question about the disease, though: I liked the explanation of Bellatrix's curse hitting them, and being in a comma, and the disease was very interesting and horrendous.

I was thinking, though, that the reason they need to be isolated from everyone else and can't be at their homes being taken care of seems a little confusing: but what if the doctors thought the disease could be contagious and so wanted to limit the contact they had with the outside world? It's just an idea, and I don't know if the reasons for their isolation come up more in later chapters or not, but if the disease was contagious and they were being quarantined it might explain why they have all these security measures to keep them from getting out. And then maybe Ron and Harry put a protection spell on their bodies before visiting or took an immunity potion or something. Or maybe there's someone who is targeting them and it's dangerous for them to be around the outside world in case that person finds them? It's just an idea I had while thinking about the extremities of the situation, feel free to ignore me if you've already worked around this! :)

I noticed a few minor typos, mostly comma-related. :) I know it can be tricky to spot these things in our own writing, but watch out for forgetting the commas in dialogue tags.

"Morning, Granger" missing a period here.
from you and leave this place ." Looks like there's an extra space in there.
I'm ugly and all that bullc***." Hermione retorted. Should be a comma after bullc***.
She just hoped that soon she will get some answers. Slips into present tense here- "will" should "be "would."
"In a coma-like state, yes" Harold answered calmly, Missing a comma after "state"
You're muscles are rebuilding Should say "Your"
what it is you were hurt with.” Harold explained. Should be a comma after "with"
"I was just getting to that” he said. Missing comma after "that"
and she is currently suffering the after effects. Present tense, should be "she was currently"
she decide that she could do this "decided"
that'll end in more injuries than what they already have present tense slip: it should be "that would end in more injuries than what they already had."
"Hey, Malfoy” she began missing a comma after Malfoy, and there's another spot in this paragraph where there should be a comma instead of a period
"Truce" she said missing a comma
give you a heads up." She said, Should be --give you a heads up," she said.--
Thanks Granger" as she walked missing a comma after Granger

These are super minor things though and easily fixed, the important part is the content and you've got that down pat! :) I really enjoyed this story, and with a little grammar polishing to bring it to the next level it will be even better. :) Nice job, and you are definitely welcome to re-request if the grammar attack in this review hasn't scared you off- I'll try not to take so long next time! :D

Author's Response: Helloo!!

I am so glad you think the flow of this chapter is good! I was always concerned about the amount of dialogue, but goo to know you think it is okay, That first chapter idea is a point.. I may look into that!

I have tried my best to keep the characters in canon, with a little of my own twist, as they'd need that to have the Dramione ship going on. Draco is my fave character to write period, and I think there is so much that we can do with him, and I am so happy you like what i have done with him in this story so far!

I actually wrote a lot of thorough notes to explain their disease, as i had it in my head but didn't have enough to write it in the story. I wanted to make it detailed without being boring, as it is a prime plot in itself later on. It makes me really relieved to know you think i've done a good job with it!

That's actually a point- the main idea is because they don't know what it is, and because of that didn't want to risk having it in society. I will have to look into writing something about protection for Harry Ron and Harold- didn't think about that!

Thanks for the typo spotting! I have jotted those all down so i can change them :D

Thank you some much for an extremely detailed and enjoyable review! It is such a great help, and i really appreciate it :D

Thank you again!!


Grace :D



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Review #23, by LightLeviosa5443 Healing in Hell?

5th December 2013:
Round 2!

I loved this chapter, that man from Mungo's made me want to slap him. I really felt Hermione's panic and dismay when she found out she'd been out for so long.

I want to know the results of the battle!! Ah!! I must admit when Draco said filthy mudblood my first reaction was 'No! They have to fall in love don't say that word!' But they called a truce, so I guess it's okay.

I really enjoyed this chapter, I feel like your characters are the perfect blend of your own spin on them, as well as what JKR has already given us, so really good job on keeping them realistic.

I think your story progresses really smoothly, and there's very minimal spelling errors, as in two chapters I only found one thing to correct. Which is something I can't say to a lot of stories.

I think the idea of being hit with a curse that was that bad was very creative and unique. By disregarding DH you've immersed in a world that can't be dictated by anyone but you, I kind of love it. I can't wait to keep reading this story. I want to know what happened with the battle, when Dramione appears, maybe see some Hinny.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I really enjoyed R&Ring this and it's going on my currently reading.

xoxo LL

Author's Response: Hello again!!


Haha really? I kinda like him! He becomes more interesting later on :)
Yes Hermione does seem to panic quite a bit, but i don't blame her at all!!

Hehehe we will find some information about the battle sonnn!!
Can't rush true love... :P

You think my characters are good? Yayyy!! *happy dance* That i exactly how i am trying to make them, a good mix of my character plus canon, without being crazy over the top. SO I am so so stoked that you think they are being established well.

I'm so glad you are enjoying this story, it really means alot tat you are liking it and love my take on the story. I'd love to see what you think of my upcoming chapters!!!

Thank you so very much for the reviews, they've been great :)

Grace xx


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Review #24, by LightLeviosa5443 The Battle

5th December 2013:
Hi! First I want to thank you for your request in my thread!

This story is certainly very different, I like your approach to starting off the chapter. I can only imagine how hard that battle scene must've been to write, so bravo!

I'm going to leave a much longer review on chapter 2, but since chapter 1 seemed to be your bigger concern, I just wanted to highlight a few of those.

You were saying that you felt the chapter was a bit rushed. I agree that it moves quickly, but it also moved fluidly. It's not like you're jumping from one to the other. Sometimes you need to move quickly to get the story started. I think you executed this chapter brilliantly. It starts in a place where you can grasp what they've been doing (especially since we're disregarding DH), and then moves forward so we can continue on to where the story really starts.

Just one little mistake I caught:

-This is in the second paragraph of the section where the Order is walking into Hogwarts. "Hogwarts trying its best to keep its people safe." This sentence fragment seemed a little off to me when I read it, did you mean to say "Hogwarts WAS trying its best to keep its people safe." ?

On to chapter 2!

xoxo LL

Author's Response: Hiya! Not a problem! Soo sorry i have taken months to review! Its taken me a while to have time to do a few a night. But im here now!

Oh really? Thank you! I think it has been one ofmy hardest scenes to write so far, so i am glad it is somewhat good, and my idea is interesting :)

I am very relieved about this, as i do think that it moves really fast, but i did try to do it so it worked, and i am very stoked you think its good! I think this is my hardest chapter to write, usually it is the first chapter, i guess!!

ooh, yes, thats true!! I'll change that!

Thank you!

Grace :)


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Review #25, by SkyEcho Healing in Hell?

23rd November 2013:
Hi Grace!
Really interesting chapter :) I liked the description of Hermione waking up and trying to figure out what happened to her. I also liked her interaction with Draco. You captured their personalities very well.
In terms of your dialogue - yes, i think you can take away some of it and instead, either add description or leave that description for later. One area where I thought this could work very well is when the doctor is explaining the grounds. If you leave it at him just saying they are free to explore the grounds and the house, but that they've added a bubble around the area for their protection, then you have room to add in some description when Hermione and Draco are exploring the house and the grounds.

As I really liked your description of when Hermione first looks at herself in the mirror, I think you should also include a description of Draco. What caused her to say he looked bad? Do they look they same now?

This is only a tiny thing - but I'm not sure Hermione would just accept Draco's explanation about the letter. Wouldn't she want to see it herself?

I think your idea of a curse that leaves them with an unknown disease is really creative. I was also shocked to hear that they've already been sick for 2 months! That was a really great twist!

I don't know if Draco would be so easy to accept a truce. At least right away. Maybe have him add something sarcastic to the end? Or start to add something and then be too tired?

I really enjoyed reading this chapter and think you have the start to a really interesting story here :)

Author's Response: Hi there! I am finally getting to my reviews! Sorry its taken me so long!!

I'm so glad you enjoyed this chapter!! I tried y very best to capture their canon personalities, its a lot harder than you'd think!

Okay, less dialogue, more description, I will definitely take that on board. Its hard to gie so much information and try and figure out how to cut it up so its not pure dialogue.

That is a good point! I will add in some description on him as well :)

I did take that into consideration when i edited it, and have added her suspicions in the chapter, that was a really good point.

I'm so glad you liked the idea, i think it is a different idea and im so excited to see where it goes!!

ooo.. good idea, will look into it, his sarcasm is fun!!

Thank you so much for reviewing, and I'm glad you are enjoying it so far!!


Grace :)



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