I liked it... but it was a little sudden.
Other than that, I think it was fine.Author's Response: hi! thank you for reviewing and im glad you liked it! sorry it seemed sudden, i just supposed everyone had read potters got it bad! my bad :) Report Review
that was a great story :) there was a point in there though that were awkward to read : "and he would put her arm around each other, taking with his other hand her own."
I did love how you portrayed that she had grown from not being able to speak up for herself, to someone who was strong, and new what she had to do. That's really hard for teens. I know from personal experience. everyone does. I think this a great story to learn how to do it properly. when someone seems to have changed, not to immediately go back to them, but give it enough time. They can easily go back to an old routine after having seemingly changed. I think a few years and you'd really know. I'm so happy she had a real friend to talk to and her connection with Al :) that was really cute.
Great job!!Author's Response: Hi! Thanks for the lovely review, and pointing out that phrase, it is a little awkward.
I'm so glad that came across well! Though I've never been in Charlottes EXACT situation, I remember friends making the same mistakes over and over. So happy you were able to relate to this, it really makes me smile!
Thank you! :D Report Review
Haha :) This is the most wonderful Songfic I have ever read. It's funny. I got this same song for the same challenge, and I didn't do HALF as good :D YOU'LL WIN FOR SURE! And now...I'm going to go read your other stories, because this one made me very interested :) KEEP WRITING!Author's Response: Oh wow, are you serious? That's so lovely of you. Aww I dont know about that! You are such a legend, really glad you're reading on!!! :D THANKIES!!! *hugs* Report Review
Oh! This is so good! I really liked the part where Charlotte and James made up, but didn't get back together. I actually thought that they would get back together, obviously I was wrong! Peace, from peace2lovepotter xxxAuthor's Response: Heya!!! Really glad you liked it, thaanks for reading more of my stories! i think they will get back together, but not quite yet! haha glad it was like a twist for you! thanks again!! x Report Review
What a heart breaking last line! You should do a sequel...again :) Haha. I think you write all these characters really well! I liked Charlotte's voice. It was really well done and I felt for her character. I loved how you made James a little bit more grown up at the end, very natural and showed how much he did care for Charlotte. I really liked this (:Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for this! Awww I'm so glad you liked it! Very happy you liked Charlotte's voice - She seemed mean in Potter's Got it Bad, and I was terrified she sound too perfect here! Also loved that you loved James at the end! Thankies!! - B x Report Review
So that's what she was thinking. I read potters got it bad and I like this one to if not more.Author's Response: Hey! I'm glad you came back for this one! thanks for reviewing, and im glad you liked it so much! Report Review
I love Taylor Swift so I HAD to review this one next! :D You matched the story really well with the lyrics.
Right, so I haven't read PGIB but I still decided to review this one anyway. :P
Aw, this made me want to cry, which is strange because it's not a story that would usually make me cry. You've really explored Charlotte's emotions. You wrote it so well that I felt a lot of her hurt and anger myself.
She did the right thing breaking up with James. He's a repeat offender and I'm glad she had a friend who was there to help her and convince her to do it.
I have to say, I've never heard his name being shortened to Jim! :)
Charlotte is a very real character. There was a reason she did what she did, and felt what she felt. I can tell it took a lot of courage for her to break up with James.
It's a shame the the next generation doesn't know or understand everything that happpened in the last generation. I think that's quite typical of James' character to still that all Slytherin's are evil or are on the wrong side.
Another good story! :D
-Sophia xAuthor's Response: Hey! Aww I love her too :D Reading PGIB isnt neccessary, it just mght help :D
I'm really glad it had that affect on you. It's not a life changing story (could you imagie? haha), nothing spectacular, but I did hope it would seem real.
I am so happy you felt that hurt with her! (not that i want you to hurt!! :D) James WAS in the wrong, though it pains me to say that because, as I mentioned, he could be lovely. But that is the way in a lot o relationsips :/
Hehe I'm Irish so that might explian the jim thing. not sure how it happened - one thing though, it will NEVER be jimmy, id say james would be hate to be called that! i think only charlotte would be allowed call him that :D
That thing about the next-gen not understanding - im glad you mentioned that. I really believe they wouldnt understand. in addition, they arent often written as being particularly interested in what happened.
Thanks so much!
- B x Report Review
this is AditiDraco95 from the forums with your review!
Well, for starters, all in all a wonderful piece of work! The characterization, plotline, flow, grammar and expression was fairly good, and I must congratulate you on that as many authors fail to bring everything on balance =)
So good job!
Overall everything was good, but maybe, this is just my personal opinion, you should give a bit more insight into James' character and what he is feeling. Since this fic is from Charlotte's POV, I understand that you can't just insert James feelings in there but you can always find a way. For eg: When Eva is telling Charlotte, she could have a given a bit more description of James' expression, 'cause afterall he has a heart too.
Or maybe, towards the ending, when you say "And yet, when he told her then that he loved her, for the first time, she did not give in and cry in his arms.". before this line, perhaps you can insert something that James said or did, before telling her that he loves her. Maybe if not an apology then some sign of regret, actually any kind of feeling, but just this seems kind of abrupt. And you can add in a bit of dialogue delivery between James and Charlotte at this point. It has been described well, but some dialogues can express it even better =)
And when you said that there is a danger of your OC becoming one of those perfect characters that aren't characters at all, I can see where you're getting at.
Charlotte is a simple normal teenage girl, so there should be some kind of anger, slight tantrum, some hysteria mixed with her hurt and upset as well. You can add that in, if you want, when you add in the dialogue between James and her towards the end, you know telling James something like "You hurt me beyond repair, It is not easy for me to forgive you"... something along those lines, and earlier also, you can express some emotional turmoil inside her when she's watching James flirting and all.
Basically, these are just some finishing touches needed to polish your story and the characters, but otherwise also, your fic was pretty good, and I liked reading it. It was one of the few "superb" pieces =)
Keep up the great work!!
I hope I was able to help, and that you didn't find any of my comments offensive!!
ADAuthor's Response: Hey - first up, thanks a million for this. Brilliant review, exactly what I need. I'm the opposite of offended if there is such a thing!
I'm really glad you like this - I'll probably edit with the review in mind soon.
I agree with you about Eva describing James - Charlotte may not of noticed but Eva was an observer.
The abruptness of the end is there for reason, but I should clean that up. I just presumed that everyone would have read "Potter's Got it Bad", though I was wrong in doing so. Also I wanted to keep it as like a post script thing, it really ends before the "four months later" thing. But yeah, I'll have a look at that!
I think I meant to make her crying on Eva more hysterical, really she was just in shock there. I think youre right there - more of a freakout is needed, at least at that point. Also good point on her watching James - I think I should make her react more, but at the time I wanted to make feelings of resignation more clear - this is always happening, she's sick of freaking out. Also she just wants to get out of there!!
If you dont mind me saying so, I probably wont change the dialogue to something like "you hurt me beyond repair" - it sounds good when someone else does it, but I dont think I could. I'm not a very dramatic person, and at 17 there is no way I would have said that to a guy. I think it would sound fake if I said it, you know?
I definately will re edit though. Thanks so much for all your comments, this was brilliant :) xx Report Review
Ah, James. Definitely not "like Father, like Son". I'm glad he has grown up a tthe end. I like Charlotte and she didn't deserve that. I've never read Potter's Got It Bad but I'm gonna as I loved this and will look forward to reading the sequel too.
10/10Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for dropping by. Glad you liked this! Yeah, definately not like Harry is he?? I'm glad you liked Charlotte (I used to HATE HER but now love her :D ) and I hope you like PGIB! Let me know what you think :) Thanks again sooo much :) Report Review
EEEP! this was so sad and NOW i dont think Charlotte is such a b*** anymore. seriously, i feel for her and I LOVE THIS SHOT! it goes SO WELL with the song! i realy hope you win because i loved this. And she loves him! and the end goes along to your other one-shot ;) i likey twined endings. YAY! CHAMES FOREVERRR!Author's Response: Heys! Haha I'm glad, yeah she annoyed me originally but then I started putting myself in her shoes and now hopefully shes not! YAY so glad you lke it! Hehehe I love twinned endings too. You may or may not have noticed, but all my stories are linked in, like i never contradict cos to me its all real :)
LOVE CHAMES!!! Just going on to yours now! Report Review
I love this and feel so sorry for Charlotte, although personally I wouldn't have broken up with him for something I only briefly saw! She comes across as really mature and level-headed. Don't worry about characterisation too much because you've really gotten it spot-on with her. I love the subtle hints about Rose and Scorpius too!
Just be careful about making Charlotte one of those girls who looks amazing all the time and is perfect at everything blah, blah, blah. You're not there, but it would be easy to get there. Keep writing and I hope I was some help!Author's Response: Hi! I'm glad you liked it. No, I wouldn't either, but as I mentioned (though maybe not clearly enough), it wasn't the first time this had happened. Thanks so much!
I'm actually really glad you said that - it's something I hate to see, and so would hate to be someone who wrote like that. That's partially what I meant by characterisation, so thanks very much! To be honest she's like that because when I started writing Potter's Got it Bad, she was made out to be really horrible, I've been trying to make it up to her ever since that first draft :D
Thanks again so much, this was very helpful :) Report Review
An excellent story! I loved the characterisation of your OC; you made her very real, with every action justified and her backstory believable. You've done a good job with taking a character who a lot of people wouldn't like (due to her interest in fashion and appearance) and given her qualities and a voice that make her seem human and likeable; in short, created empathy with her. The relationship was very well written and realistic. A very nice piece of writing, I'm glad I reviewed it :)Author's Response: Hi! Thans so much for reviewing, and I really am glad you liked it. I was so worried people wouldn't get Charlotte, or wouldn't like her - I'm so nervous about OC's! The fashion thing would make people think she was silly, I felt I had to give a voice to someone who certainly wasn't this. Also glad you thought this was realistic, I really wanted itto come accross like this. So glad we did the review swap! Report Review
I liked Potter's Got it Bad, and so I'm so glad that you wrote this. It was a great read, I must say!
The way you portray James is (in my opinion, at least) absolutely perfect. You're so right in saying that he would be pretty spoiled, and quite full of himself (just like his grandfather!), especially seeing who his family is. But the way that Charlotte describes him acting when he's alone gives him a whole other side.
My favourite part is when Eva tells Charlotte how James went white when he saw her leave the Great Hall, but didn't leave himself. I think why I like it is because it shows how much he cares for Charlotte, but also how immature he is. It's really difficult to give a character depth when you're just writing a one-shot, but I think you did a really good job of it, not only with James, but with Charlotte as well. I'm so glad you wrote this for her perspective. She seems like a perfect girl for a Potter!
I really liked the almost parallel feeling between the Lily and James and Charlotte and James II relationships.
Also, the overall feeling of angstyness was really well done; it wasn't too much, and it wasn't too little... it was just the right amount!
I'll end this ridiculously long review now, and just say that it was a job well done! I can't wait for the unnamed sequel!Author's Response: Yay for long reviews! Thanks so much, I feel so honoured that you have not only read Potter's Got it Bad, but that you liked it!!
I'm really glad you got what I was trying to say about James - he really is very very immature - but then he didn't have to grow up like his dad did. Both James' were a bit silly I think, but are redeemed by their love for Lily/Charlotte, and eventually have to grow up!
I'm so glad you liked that bit, I though it was really important too! The Potter's really do need strong women too keep them in line don't they? :D
I plan to write more about Charlotte and Eva, perhaps the first time they are introduced to Harry and Ginny - I think that would be hilarious!
Thanks so much for the great review - abut the angsty thing, I'm really glad you said that because I was afraid I didn't get that balance. Thanks again! :)
I just have to let you know that I love your stories and this one definitely didn't dissapoint!
I liked how you portrayed Charlotte and the emotions that she felt, I could really feel it. I am glad that she stayed storng and didn't go back to James, as some people don't realise what they have got until it's gone, so I am glad she finally made him realise:-).
I only know a few Taylor Swift songs, but this one fits very well with the story that your telling and you incorporated it in very well. =D. Also I was just wondering about the spacing, in a few parts, I don't know if it supposed to be like that or not but I think it may help if you close the gaps a little bit :-)
Overall great story,
Silverstarletworld89=DAuthor's Response: Hey! I didn't realise you liked my stories, thanks! Wow, especially considering how much I liked yours!
I'm so glad Charlotte's emotions came accross well - writing OC's can be so difficult! And yeah, eventually she will go back to him, but not yet, that's not realistic and wouldn't be the right thing to do here.
I'm glad the song worked well! Yeah, I messed up on spacing in my last two actually, must sort it out!
Thanks again, I really really appreciate it!!! Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection