Well you are good! This was excellent. What a great take on these important unknown event. Tom Riddle ever so charming ever so evil!
Bravo!!Author's Response: teheheh aw thank you hun!! :) I think this is one of my worst pieces on here because it was one of my first and i need to edit it and add better details!! O.o lol but if you like the worst of the 12 on there then i guess i cant complain!!! *hugs* Thank you for taking the time to not only read, but review also!!! This made me smile!!
XxJEss Report Review
Hey LadyMalfoy! Here to do the review you requested, oh say, months ago lol. Sorry for the terribly long wait, hopefully this review will make up for it, hopefully ;)
Things I noticed:
'"WAIT," she then glided over to where tom stopped," You're not going to badger me into telling you about my mother's Diadem?"' -Capitalize Tom (I saw about 4 times where it wasn't capitalized) and make sure that the quotation goes next to the quote and not the comma beforehand, this was the time the spacing was incorrect ;)
'I was clever with out the diadem of course'- without is one word
'so I took it and rand far away from home' -ran
'She felt ashamed enough having to admit I ran away fro all I had' -for not fro haha
'would not rest until I was found.' -missing quotation at the end of this line
'Thoughts of his squib mother and filthy muggle father branded his thoughts.' -Thoughts...thoughts. Spice up the diction ;)
'Tom spent the next ten years slowly carrying out his plan of total rane over the magical world.' -did you mean reign?
I liked this missing moment very much. I'm all for canon and this certainly fit in right along with the story that JK wrote, but you expanded on it nicely. Tom/Voldemort seemed pretty on point to me. There wasn't much of a transformation from teenage Tom to the evil Voldemort besides the physical details, which makes your characterization much creepier than I ever imagined. And I definitely commend you for wiring about Riddle, I don't think I could ever do it. Of course, I loved the bits about The Grey Lady, since we both know that I also wrote a little piece about her too haha :P
With all the mistakes above I do recommend that you get a Beta or read your stories aloud before you even post them. I know word has an excellent spell-checker but one cannot always rely on that (I know I can't haha), so I suggest reading things aloud at the very least to catch those little mistakes. Otherwise, I don't have much to write, it was a very straight forward one-shot. Maybe there could have been a bit more description to everything a bit more chilling, like the image of him and the snake in the forest, which was great, but his surroundings could have been expanded on.
Hope this helped any, again, sorry for the longest wait for a review ever!
NRBAuthor's Response: hehe this was great! :) Yes sadly this is one of my first pieces before i have gotten around to getting beta's :) Ive been meaning to find time to go through and touch this story up but im really running low on time! :) I appreciate the time you took to review this story! :) Thanks so much i shall definitely head through and edit and touch up this story soon thinking of you tips! :) :) :)
XxJess Report Review
Hi! Liberate60 from the forums speaking.
Very well written. You captured Tom well, and though you have some minor errors, it was an enjoyable read.Author's Response: :) thanks!! Glad you enjoyed it hun! Report Review
I think it would've been perfect if you just left it at the scene where Dumbledore walked in. That would just be like icing on the cake, in my opinion.
Other than a few gramatical and spelling errors, this was really well written and I'm definately going to favorite it!Author's Response: AW THANKS!! :) hehe
I felt that it would have been way to short with that and i wanted to get into toms mind when he finds it!! :D thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!! Report Review
Hi, electricfeel from the forums here with your review :)
Firstly, I really do salute you for tackling a complex character like Voldemort. You've managed to explore his character from his school days, to his days in Albania right through to his ascension to power, you've kept him realistic and the dialogue was handled well too.
I would have liked to have delved further into Voldemort's mind; why he's doing the things he's doing, what his thinking is. I think it may have added an extra dimension to the story but I don't think it's any worse for not having it in abundance.
Another thing I would have liked to see is more descriptions. It helps to set the scene and really brings a scene to life. I think to describe the smells, colours and items around Voldemort can enrich this already promising chapter.
Aside from that CC, I did enjoy it. You picked a fantastic subject and a fascinating era to write about it and managed it well :)Author's Response: thanks! :)
you want to know something funny, i just reread this last night and decided i was indeed going to go through and add a lot more detail because it is lacking it bigtime compared to my other one-shots!! :)
Thanks for the review and liking the story, i seem to have found out some of my best writing comes from tackling Voldemort in his tom riddle ages weird huh?!
thanks for the lovely review xx jess Report Review
Ello there, Toujours Padfoot here from the forums for your requested review. :)
I like the premise of this story. Your depiction of Tom Riddle is pretty accurate and I've always loved reading stories with Voldemort as the main character. He's so shrouded in mystery and is so complex - yet so simple - that I believe it makes him one of the most difficult characters in the Harry Potter books to write. So well done on that note, I think you got him right. :)
One thing I noticed, however, is that there are quite a few spelling errors and what look to be simple typos. Most could probably be cleared up with two or three personal double-checks before submitting. Do you use spell check? If you're having trouble noticing the technical errors and don't have spell check on your computer, I advise requesting a beta to fix these up for you.
Another piece of advice is to flesh out each scene with more descriptive narration. For example, when Tom asks Dumbledore for the job, you might take a moment to describe what his office looks like - what Dumbledore looks like, and the tension and emotions in the room. It would improve the story overall and make it far more memorable if you made the most out of every single scene. So I would go back to the parts that could be a little more descriptive, and apply more imagery. Imagine that you are writing for someone who has not read the Harry Potter books, and your attention to detail will automatically step up. Let us feel everything Tom is feeling. His personality is like an electric charge, and his moods are deadly - let that resonate with your readers. Envision, once again, that you're writing for an audience who isn't overly familiar with HP. To them, Tom might just seem like someone with anger issues. So perhaps a little more quiet evil is in order, as well as vengeance and envy and ignorance. He's built from a dangerous compilation of emotions that are toxic when put together, after all. Most people couldn't even speak his name, so make your readers quake with fear just from reading about him. :)
Writing is usually a never-ending process; we always find things that we can go back and improve upon and are rarely 100 percent satisfied. So always ask yourself - what can be improved? Does just one scene stand out or do all of them have great definition? Your flow is good, and your plot is good, and now all that is needs is some polishing.
This was a pleasure to read. And like I said, Voldemort's a tough character. I applaud you for having the guts to tackle him - and what's more - for doing it well.
~ Toujours PadfootAuthor's Response: thanks for the review!! :) Its really nice hearing that i can handle tom well he was a definate leap from what i am used too.
I did indeed write this before i had spell check and a beta and havent gotten around to fixing it yet because im working on fixing my novella!! :) So thanks for that ill work on getting it fixed as soon as possible!!
I completly understand what you meant about the asking for a job part, it was actually the one part in this i was completely unsatisfied with, i really hate how i wrote that and it was mainly because i wanted to reread that memory from HBP but i couldnt find my book for the life of me!! I have been planning on going back and rewriting that part now that i have found the book an maybe will be adding in some more details everywhere. This was my very first one shot and i knew i included to much dialoge as compared to details and want to go back and drastically tweak it for his emotions and suroundings! Thanks for seconding that i should do so!! :) all in all thank you so much for you lovely review it helped me a lot to know where i need to improve!!! :) Report Review
Right so let's start at the beginning shall we? I liked your portrayal of Tom Riddle/Voldemort, he was suitably manipulative, a charmer and yet cold at the same time. You told it really well although perhaps padding out it out a bit with a little more description, it seemed a bit empty in places.
I don't want to appear finicky and I don't like spending too much time on things like spelling etc but I think if you just read through it again and got rid of a few of the typos it would be good. Also it's 'Lady Grey' not 'Lady Gray'. Hope that helps!
Thank you for requesting!
~Roonyskatoony~Author's Response: thanks! :)
yeah about her name i looked around everywhere and kept getting different spellings everywhere i looked :/ so i just settled with that one. And yeah, i wrote this before i got my beta too :) lol thanks for the lovely review!! Report Review
Hello! This is TenthWeasleyWriter. =) I was so happy you came and reviewed 'Extinguished' that I thought I'd return the favor, and I'm so very glad I did!
This was a fantastic piece! I'd actually had a similar idea a few months back, but ended up scrapping it because I couldn't get the sentiment right. You've done exactly what I couldn't! I love the way you wrote Tom's character and made him more personable and relatable than the fearsome Lord Voldemort we all know (and yes, love!) from the books.
Great job!Author's Response: aw thanks love!! :) I to was glad i got around to reading yours!!! :) Im not really sure how i got this idea, it just sorta came to me!! lol, im glad you liked it though!! I tried to make the distinguish between Voldemort and Tom riddle obvious by always revering to him as tom and not as voldemort even after he called himself that!! :) Thanks for the beautiful review!! :) Report Review
Fantastic ending! You've really captured the inner evil and manipulative spirit of Tom, yet you've almost made him a likable character. I loved it!
There was a lot of dialogue, but it seemed to really fit into the story. Sometimes dialogue can become too much, but this was honeslty really good, and I really enjoyed the character interaction.
Also, you beginning immdiately pulled me into it. The part where he started alking to the Grey Lady was really fantastic work. You made both cahracters stand out.
Excellent one-shot! I hope it was a ice break from writing your epic series ^_^ Hope you're going all right, and I hope I hear from you soon!
Mahalia xxAuthor's Response: OH THANK YOU SO MUCH Mahliah!!! :) i was so worried about the dialog, I have a bad habit of putting to much of it in my one shots, this one however was a story based purely on dialog pretty much!! Thanks!!! :) Im was also really worried about hitting Tom Riddle, i kinda wanted to make him seem semi likable because yes this story was to show is charm and likable side because thats how he got what he wanted all threw his teenage years!! I honestly dont know how many times i read the Gray Lady part with Harry in DH and how many times i watched the Tom Riddle and Slughorn parts in HBP to get this right, and it feels great hearing that i got it right!! :)
It was a nice break, i have another one shot for a challenge in the queue then i will be posting chapter six in my series and i have gotten an amazing beta so hopefully it will start clearing up alot!! :) Im so happy you found the time to read this story talk to you soon!!
Jess Report Review
OH MY GOD JESS! This is purely AWESOME! I loved how you created Tom, you have done his personality so so well! His smirk and charm are so evident!!! Reminds me exactly of Tom when he is talking to Slughorn in the 6th movie about the Horcrux's hehe! I love how everything went together as well, I knew it would be great hun! I honestly loved it!!!
Very, very well done dear!
xxAuthor's Response: Thanks!! :) Im so GLAD that you think i did a good job at him!!! I honestly wanted to do the part when he goes back to ask dumbledor for his job A LOT better, but i couldnt find my 6th book too read the memory untill AFTER i submitted the chapter (typically) lol so im glad that its gotten some good reviews!! :D xx Report Review
Nice idea for a one-shot. The sneaky tactics Tom uses to find out about the diadem from the Grey Lady suits his personality exactly. You've written your story to fit in with DH and I like your description of his experience of making a horcrux. :)
However, the spelling and grammar does distract me a little from reading this. I know you prefer to validate the story as soon as you've written it but I think it may be a good idea to get a beta just to give it the once-over.
Apart from that, it's a very well written story :)
Sophia xxAuthor's Response: Thanks!! :) I have actually been considering a beta recently, but mainly i just need to learn to SLOW DOWN and REREAD!! haha but for my novel lengths i probably will be getting a beta before to long!! :)
As for the story in itself im glad you like it, i was REALLY worried that i wouldnt get is "charm" right and that it wouldnt seem right, i watched HBP numerous times when he was talking to slughorn in attempts to give tom his justice!! ;) as for the horcrux part, jkr has not released how to actually make one so i wanted to make it seem somewhat painful even for someone who is as heartless as Voldemort, so i tried to target his weaknesses!! Thank you so much for your review they truely help me feel motivated to not give up on writing!!! :) xx Report Review
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