Reading Reviews for Thorn
  
16 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Moonyxluna The Ugly Duckling

20th April 2012:
Hi! I'm here from the puff review tag :)

This is a really intriguing start. Since you have this labeled as a Scorpius/OC, I watched for some interactions between the pair and I wasn't disappointed. She's got the perfect amount of distain towards Scorpius to eventually fall for him :)

I like Katherine so far. She seems like a really nice, well rounded person. It's nice to see someone else (eventually, I'm thinking ahead)going for Scorpius besides Rose- usually she doesn't have too much competition when it comes to being paired with Scorpius, so I'm interested to see what comes from that.

From the little bit of Scorpius perspective we got it seems like Katherine is misjudging him. Not that that's a bad thing, it's actually an interesting setup, but I hope she'll realize he's different than what she sees. As a bookworm, she should know not to judge a book by its cover ;)

One thing I would suggest, if you go back and edit, is to find a way to bring Katherine's name into the story sooner. It didn't show up until 2/3 of the way down, and I felt myself wondering who the 'I' I was reading about was. Maybe, when Rose and Albus get into the compartment, just have them say "Hi Katherine" or something? Just to at least get a first name out there.

The little flash back was a neat way to incorporate what makes her who she is today. It's intriguing-- it makes me think something like that may happen again with the way you've introduced it. Maybe Scorpius can be her knight in shining armor :D hehe. Getting ahead of myself!

Overall this was a really great start. I didn't notice any spelling/punctuation stuff so good job there! Great work on this!

Author's Response: Thanks! So sorry it took me so long to respond! I haven't been on here for ages. I've had to take a hiatus from writing on here, but hopefully I'm back now!

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Review #2, by Care of Magical Creatures Playing Nice

16th February 2011:
Woah, awesome. A change of heart from scorpius. Yay. And good old evil Malfoy Senior. I loved the dream bit, very well done. And much easier to read too. Love it update soon

Author's Response: Haha, good ol' Draco. I couldn't write a Scorpius without a Draco! :P

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Review #3, by Care of Magical Creatures All Apologies

16th February 2011:
CareofMagicalCreatures again.

I like this character. She got guts, but she's kind of changed from the first chapter. And I like how you've made scorpius confused about choosing between being a malfoy and being a nice person.

But the writing was a little cramped for me, with no spaces between the paragraphs so it was a little hard to read.

But I still enjoyed it.

Author's Response: Thanks! I started writing this the way I write papers (force of habit!), so I'm probably going to go through and fix the spacing at some point.

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Review #4, by Care of Magical Creatures The Ugly Duckling

16th February 2011:
Hi CareofMagicalcreatures here from the forum.

Haven't written a review in ages but here it goes.

I must confess not much of a fan of the next gen but it's nice to see a different character in the mix. I thought this chapter was well written and it made me want to keep reading. I'm interested in how it will turn out. :)

Author's Response: Haha, it's cool! Thanks for the review! Yeah, I wanted to do something kind of different from the NextGens that normally show up. Do keep reading!

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Review #5, by gingersnape Playing Nice

9th February 2011:
Hello, gingersnape here with a requested review for you! (My queue is going to be all out of order tonight, so I figured I would just give you Chapter 3's review while I'm here on your very lovely page! :D)

Alrighty, before I pretend to be all serious, I have a few wee tangent-ey comments. One) My entry for your challenge is going well, i think! I've started three different stories, and haven't narrowed down which one I'll use as they're all plunnie-ettes right now, but I just wanted to let you know how glad I am that I joined it! :) Two) Please let me know whenever Chapter 4 of Thorn is up so I can take a peeksies at it for ya! :D Three) I like your Chapter Image! :D

Alright, now to the review part of the review! :D So, the first little bit was really interesting because it made me think about how Scorpius had taken it, and although ti took me awhile to figure out who was talking, i really liked how you showed his father's opinion in there and the internal battle he was having about Kate.

The notes made me smile, with the little bits about how they still hated each other. It was nice to see that he had a heart, and he seems to be warming up to her at a believable speed, since it isn't happening really slowly, but it's not like *POOF* they're best friends, which is pretty awesome since the timing on this kind of thing can often be difficult to get right.

Alright, I have a few things I love in stories (games meant for players to defeat themselves, plots based on conspiracies and lies, stories with no good guys, etc.) and one of my favorites of the favorites is the powerful connection between smell and memory. Havibng her mention her pear tree and how he smelled like something that she associated as being a place of comfort and safety and then it got me thinking about how they were clashing ideas; it was brilliant. Maybe not the biggest note of the chapter, but certainly my favorite because it just added another level to the relationship she and Scorpius have and how those two conflicting ideas of friendship and comfort and cruel heartnedness and pain can be combined into one thing and it just felt like it really described the relationship they have. (That was probably one massive run-on sentence, but it was really something that spoke to me when I was reading it and has kept me thinking since reading that.

Although I really liked how he had that connection to her through his aftershave, I wasn't as sure about how he told her that she wasn't his equal. It felt like a huge jump and as though Scorpius' emotions were all over the place. Maybe if there was a loner explanation of the differences between the "I want to be frienemies" and then the "I don't even think you and I are on the same level and think you are below me as a human being because of your blood and don't want to change how I think, really." I like how they have that shifting in how everything works, but maybe adding in a bit more to is would be a good way to show why they have this changing mood, especially since Kate's reaction to having him so close was so interesting!

Oh, and not to mention that he's adorable when he's thinking about her, so I just want to see how that goes, and even if it's an excuse, the differences in how he acts around Kate is really intriguing, so keep up the good work and please let me know when Chapter 4 is up! :D

Have a great plunnie filled day,
-ginger

Author's Response: One thing I've always loved in stories is notes between characters. It just reveals so much about them!

The sense of smell is so incredibly powerful! For example, smelling a free sample of perfume I have reminds me of my first Sadie Hawkins dance, because my date gave me a corsage made out of gardenias, which I plan on having at my wedding. So powerful!

I think (Oh, isn't that scary? The author doesn't even know!) Scorpius told her she isn't his equal because he's getting frustrated. I hope it'll be a little clearer in chapter 4.

Aww, he's just a little cutie-patootie. :P


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Review #6, by Ginny45 All Apologies

26th January 2011:
Hi, me again. :)
I think you have a very good connection between your main characters. They remind me of real friendships rather than 2D ones. Which I adore. :)

I think the conflict between Albus/Scorpius and Katherine was actually really well done. It didn't seem to forced whilst also not having them screaming at each other for 20 minutes.

There was a few bits that I was like huh? After reading it over again though I understood what you meant, so that may just have been me. :/

Another great chapter. Keep updating :)
Ginny45/RandomRed xxx

Author's Response: Haha, thanks! I really appreciate it. Hopefully I'll have an update up sometime soon, but I'm trying to get a challenge through the queue right now and I have to finish writing chapter 3. It'll be up soon, I hope!

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Review #7, by Ginny45 The Ugly Duckling

26th January 2011:
Hi! RandomRed here from the forums. :)
You have created a really good OC here, she isn't a mary-sue and she is very likeable. A brilliant OC is very hard to create without it seeming too thought out but Katherine seems real in a sense.

I am new to Next Gen but I must admit I love Scorpius, even in I do frequently spell his name wrong. I think, in my limited knowledge, you have done him well. He is like Draco without being a complete Mini-me. He doesn't look down on Rose and Albus, in fact he his friends with them.

I really like your ending to this chapter. The whole comparison between Scorpius and the Ugly Duckling/Swan is really fitting and not something I have seen before. :)

I think this is a very good start to this story and I am glad to have read it. :)

Ginny45/RandomRed xxx

Author's Response: Thanks so much, glad you enjoyed it! Yeah, I was getting kind of bored with the way most people describe Scorpius. I thought "you know, the fruit really doesn't fall far from the tree."

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Review #8, by gingersnape All Apologies

23rd January 2011:
Hello again gingersnape here again with your horribly late review of Chapter 2!

So, before I begin this, I have a few comments that don't really fit in with the actual story, but I still have to say. One) Please accept my apology for making you wait so long for this! If it's any consolation, here's a virtual cookie (gingersnap of course) and I'll try my best to outdo the first review for you. Two) I still have a smile on my face from reading this chapter; I really like it so far, but more on that below in the actual review. Three) My jaw dropped when I checked my email and saw the "p" word used to describe me. I don't think I have ever (and I mean ever) been described as popular, so that made me quite happy to see. Four) Okay, onto the review as that's what I'm actually here for, even though I know I could tangent for quite some time!

So, set up: things I see in order that they come, and then the usual spelling and grammar, pacing and flow, and my overall opinion! Onwards!

So, I really liked how Albus knew what to say to Katherine to get her to not be quite so angry with her, but Scorpius had a mix of kidding her and also trying to work her up. It was a lot of fun to read and was nice to see him not being as nice as he usually is. Then again, it's a bit unnerving to see him so mean because I really want him to be nice, so it's something that really made me think about who he is and why he is that way. (I love things that make me think like that; they're just so interesting and always adds something to a story nothing else will bring.)

I wondered a bit about what Scorpius feelings towards katherine are, as he seemed to keep changing them, from despising her, to mentioning romance, to going back to hardly allowing himself not to continually throw horrible horrible insults at her. It all came off as a bit confusing when I finished reading it.

Rose was interesting to read because she didn't want to pick sides and that really made me consider her character as someone who perhaps wasn't as stubborn as Scorpius or Kate, btu that she was also a bit unsure of what to do herself. I'm not sure if what's racing through my head is quite coming out as words okay, but I think I like having her not be on either person's side.

The apology (or lack there of, to be more specific) was really something I liked in this chapter, because I not only see Kate as a very strong character who doesn't want to be pushed around or treated like she isn't equal to Scorpius, but I also see Scorpius as a very stubborn character, and having them both want the other to apologize for what happened was a brilliant way to show that stubbornness in both of them. Hmm, stubborn sounds bad, but I guess what I am trying to say is that they are both strong characters who don't like accepting that they are wrong perhaps? I know that is what stubborn means, but I don't quite see the word stubborn as fitting exactly.

Spelling and Grammar: Overall, I felt like you did a pretty through job of getting the mistakes out of the chapter, and although I did see some things, I didn't see too many problematic things.

Pacing and Flow: I felt like this chapter had it's strong points and it's weak points, but overall it came together as one chapter nicely, and normally POV changes like that can be disruptive in a story, with the not stating whose POV it is told from, but I felt like it came off as a refreshing thing rather than a pain to figure out who was saying what.

Overall, I like the story as much, if not more, than I did when I read the first chapter and Kate is one of the best OCs I've read in a while, so major hats off for that. Whenever Chapter 3 is up, feel free to come back over to the thread and rerequest!

Have a great week,
-ginger

Author's Response: Oh man, no worries about how long it took. I looked at that thread and I said "man, someone's popular" and you are--you give excellent reviews! I know things with Scorpius are a tad bit confusing, but it will all make sense in the end.

Stubborn actually seems like the right word, but I know what you mean. Headstrong, maybe?

I'm so honored about what you said about Kate! I will totally be back for more reviews!


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Review #9, by magicmuggle01 All Apologies

23rd January 2011:
I had to read both chapters before I reviewed. This is a very good start to a possible great story. Though I would have thought that Scorpius was a better person than he is in your story. Keep up the good work ab updat soon. 10/10.

Author's Response: Hey, thanks so much! I understand the reading both chapters thing. :) I know he seems awful, but like Rose says, "deep down everyone is inherently good."

There should be another update soon!


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Review #10, by Melliex All Apologies

18th January 2011:
Hey, I know you didn't request this one to be reviewed but I thought I would anyway (:

Wow Scorious is a HORRIBLE person, he says he doesn't like his family sometimes and disagrees to some of their ways of thinking and then agrees to be nice to Kate (even if he did spot the loop-hole) and then is a complete *incert mean word here* (i'm not allowed to say curse words on here but I would!)

I also like that you've made Kate seem so empowered and so... none Hermione like, she would never have stood up for herself or treatened to have revenge even if Draco had done what Scrpious had done. (sorry again for the Hermione reference).

Really good plot, really good chapter (:

Melliex

Author's Response: Haha, hey, I won't complain about getting reviews!

I know, isn't he? I kind of feel bad about making him so mean, but in the end I know it needs to happen. As for Kate, I feel the incidents with the muggle boys when she was younger really got her to say "that's it, I'm not going to be a doormat anymore."

Hey, Hermione references VERY welcome :)

Thanks for all the reviews!


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Review #11, by Melliex The Ugly Duckling

18th January 2011:
Hey, sorry about the wait, Melliex here from the forum with yor review.

The story itself seems very interesting, I can't quite see where it may go at the moment but I really like your OC, she seems very relaxed and very inward; like she deals with things by herself and tends to be very selfconious, I feel I could relate to her and that's a really special connection between reader and character that's hard to achieve so well done one that!

I also like how you've got the POV changing it just sort of freshens up the story and tends to stop it from droneng on... if you get me?

Scorpious seems to be... like Draco but miniture but perhaprs a little more relaxed (Draco would never have picked up say... Hermione's book for her) and your characterization of him seems to be really good in my (humble) opinion.

Overall a very nice first chapter to what seems to be a very nice story about people realising things they never knew they would.

Well done, Melliex

Author's Response: Hey, it's no problem! I really appreciate the review. I understand everything you're saying. I kind of wanted him to be like Draco but more relaxed--you said it perfectly! Draco also wouldn't have been friends with Harry and Ron, but Scorpius is friends with their children. Someone is needing to launder their Karma :P

Thanks for the review!


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Review #12, by Beene The Ugly Duckling

12th January 2011:
Interesting premise, as I found myself interested in Katherine as a character. I'm always interested to see how Muggles integrate into Wizarding society, and I'm looking forward to seeing more of Katherine at Hogwarts. As for Scorpius, I'm very interested to hear exactly what he did to make the Potters and Weasleys have a higher opinion of him than they did before the conversation. That should make for an interesting chapter.

Interested to see how you utilize the separate POV sections, and if that will continue going forward. As this is the third time I've entered this review due to gremlins in the system, I know I've left out quite a bit, but don't let another six years go by without another chapter. I'm definitely interested to see how this story develops.

Author's Response: Oh, those gremlins. :) Thanks for not giving up on me! As soon as chapter 2 is validated (which is VERY soon, I hope...grr) I'll let you know! A little bit is explained over that chapter and chapter 3, which I'm working on. Thanks for the review!

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Review #13, by gingersnape The Ugly Duckling

12th January 2011:
Hello there, gingersnape here with your review!

Before I begin my review, I should probably mention how excited I was to have you request this, as well as how I shall go about my various comment, nitpickings, ego boostings, and noticing of shiny objects. First, I came across this story somehow on the forums and was going to read it, when I sighed and realized I had requests piled up and that I didn't want to get too bogged down. And then I realized that I would get to read this story and not feel guilty about it! So now I'm quite happy, and I really felt like thus chapter lived up to it's expectations. :)

As for formatting, I'll just go through and give you comments in the order that they come up in the story, and then finish with my overall opinion, spelling and grammar, and packing and flow. Now, *grabs cookie and notepad* onwards!

The first thing I noticed was how well set up the introduction was. The first chapter is always the hardest, and I felt like you did a good job of getting readers to k ow who Katherine was, a bit on her beliefs, and also a bit on her personality. The only CC I have on that would be to perhaps add her name in a little earlier, as it could be distracting for some people to wonder who she is until half way through the first chapter. That's not a big thing, but it's the only CC I've got. :)

Ahhh! I loved the reference to the Hobbit, as that is one of my favorite books and I loved how well it brought out not only Scorp's beliefs, but also Katherine's. It was very well done, and it put a smile on my face.

The Scorpius POV was nice because I felt like he came off as very cold in the first section, so knowing that he's not quote as cold as he seems was reassuring and also a bit intriguing.

The ending words of the chapter were great, as I felt like I really needed to read on. The whole last section made be want to read on actually, but the very last sentence was amazing.

Spelling and Grammar: I didn't notice much mire than a few typos and the likes, but it's currently nearly midnight, and my grammar skills aren't as sharp as they normally are, so I apologize if I missed something.

Packing and Flow: Very good for a first chapter. I felt like it wad not rushed, bit not slow enough to loose any readers.

Overall, I see potential oozing out of this story and am excited to see how this goes. I would love to continue reviewing this, of you'd like be to, of course, and whenever the next chapter is up, feel free to post in my thread. No form necessary, as I already have your link.

Good luck with the rest of your story and have a good day!
-ginger

Author's Response: Wow, thanks so much! I really appreciate this review, and, in fact, all reviews I receive. I'm glad that I ended up posting on your thread--it was fate! And of course I'm going to add on to your thread when chapter two is FINALLY validated...grr!

Also, as a side note...my fiance said that your pen name made him incredibly happy, as he imagined Alan Rickman in a red wig. :)

You have a good day, too!


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Review #14, by The Captain The Ugly Duckling

11th January 2011:
Hi! Your story has plenty of potential. I'll update the other two chapters for you once they're up so you get the full 3 reviews that I offered.
The one problem I have so far is that Scorpius kind of has a bit of a double standard going on. He's fine being friends with Al and Rose, neither of which are pure-blood, and both of whom would be considered blood-traitors, however he is condescending towards a Muggle book. I think the people he associates with would be a far bigger concern to him than a book. I feel like some further explanation is needed, or that you could build more upon his double-standard and incorporate it into the story, such as having a character bring it up.

Author's Response: Thanks for reading! I know it seems like a double standard, but the real issue wasn't the book--it was Katherine. I can work on clearing that up. :) As for Albus and Rose--Albus is a Slytherin (I guess I need to clarify that, too!) and Rose tells Katherine why she's friends with him in Chapter 2. For Scorpius, I think he's more concerned with "are you muggle-born or not?"

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Review #15, by LovelyMioneWeasley The Ugly Duckling

11th January 2011:
LovelyMioneWeasley from the threads here to give you a review:

First off, no obvious grammar or structural issues. This is good because such things take away from the plot and story development.

Secondly, I would seperate the POVs from Katherine's and Scorpius'. Labeling them would make it easier for the reader to distinguish each individual's voice. I had no problem distungishing them as soon as I started reading but there were several sentences of confusion on my part. You wouldn't want to confuse your readers so labeling them is my best suggestion for that.

Thirdly, I do enjoy your OC. She is intriguing and has promise; her muggle background gives you lots of freedom to create conflict and interesting dynamics for her. Her reading and quiet qualities are interesting; please continue to develop her because the first few chapters are critical to either create a dynamic or flat character.

Next, Scorpius has an interesting development already. I admire the line about his being more comfortable around the Slytherins. Writers often create him to be horrifically and unrealisticly rebellious but there is an edge of rebel but still Malfoy to him. Bravo.

The best advice I can give about conflict is to continue to create the relationship between Scorpius and Katherine; delve into their history and perhaps the personal feelings on both sides a bit more.

Also, though, for Katherin's flashback, it was written in third person which I just find odd from the first person perspective. Memories are so individual that I thought it would be in first person as well.

I hope this was helpful; this story has true potential-stick with it!

LMW

8/10

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I agree, I wasn't too sure about that flashback and how I should do it. Knowing what other people think about it definitely gives me my answer! Thanks again!

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Review #16, by Fleur Delacour Potter The Ugly Duckling

10th January 2011:
This seems interesting. A different take on Scorpius, rather refreshing.

Update soon,
Fleur

Author's Response: Hopefully Chapter 2 will be validated soon...thanks for the review! It's really appreciated!

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