This story is so awesome! I love it :D It is so interesting and original! Even though it is pretty darn intense, I like that you have incorporated a bit of humour into it - it makes it that bit more enjoyable! I can't wait to read more of this story! I love it so much and the characters! :DAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I really appreciate it. Hopefully I'll have some more chapters up soon, so keep an eye out! Thanks again! :D Report Review
'Weasley! What did I say about not touching anything?' - quite possibly one of the best ways to start a chapter ever. Seriously. I have such a great image of Hugo casually proding some random article and getting told off for it.
I've never read a story about the Department of mysteries. I reckon most people stay clear of it because, well, its such a great big mystery that it seems like a lot of stuff to work out. BUT I love what you've done here - how Hugo doesn't really have a clue what he's doing and how no one has a clue what anyone else it doing. That's brilliant. It's really amusing and its brilliant.
I loved your little use of foreshadowing: "But breaking a large amount of them together could always make something happen. Aside from just creating a mess. An expensive mess." I think its because I've seen you around the forums and therefore know that you are hilarious, but I read that and I was like 'yup, Hugo's going to destroy time' and it was just such a funny idea... and then you executed it so well. It was just great.
How do you have so few reviews? I'm really confused by this concept cause this is wonderful.
All your characters had just that, characters - which is always nice and refreashing. Not a single one of them were 2D from Rose to Carrow... and I haven't got a clue what's going to happen next. But I really really want to.
The last bit reminded me completely of the last episode of doctor who and that can only be a good thing (although I suspect you published this before that point - damn that doctor who copying you're ideas!).
Sorry, this isn't very constructive but it was just too good really! I can't think of anything to fault you on. Please do come rerequest for the next few chapters as I really would love to read on!
-ACAuthor's Response: I'll start off this response by saying THANK YOU! for all of your compliments and everything, because otherwise I'll keep saying thank you every two sentences and feel like I'm saying it far too often. I'll probably end up saying it anyway.
I have an incredibly difficult time starting a story, and it's usually easier if I start with some dialogue right off the bat. Glad you liked it! With the Department of Mysteries, I thought everyone would be very confused about what they were doing in the first place. Everyone's just sort of making it up as they go along and Hugo gets (briefly) wrapped up in it before he destroys time. It's one of the most interesting places in the HP universe, I think, and it's a place that should be explored more often.
I'm always so pleased whenever people tell me they think I'm funny, so thank you! I appreciate it. I love making people laugh. This story actually started out as an attempt at a humor story (destroying time does seem like a funny idea, doesn't it?), but I didn't like how it was turning out and turned it into this action/adventure with a bit of humor in there.
It's one of those mysteries of the universe that I will never solve. I love reviews! I adore everyone's input and criticisms.
Thank you about my characters! I'm always (sometimes unnecessarily) concerned about my characterization; it's just something I feel isn't my strongest suit. It's always nice to hear that I'm doing a good job!
In regards to Doctor Who, I can say that this was in no way influenced by that episode, or any episode, as I've never seen the show. Well, I saw a bit of a couple episodes, but I'm pretty sure this was published before the one you're talking about. Writing about. Typing about. Anyway.
I'll be certain to rerequest! Thanks for taking the time to review! I really do appreciate it. Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your requested review!
This story is well-written and you have a very interesting premise. You mentioned descriptions as being a point of concern for you - I didn't see a problem there at all. You describe the surroundings when it's applicable and you have him interacting with them. You did a great job with it, and with the things Hugo sees when the time turners break.
I think that your characterization of Hugo is great. Your depiction of the bureaucracy at the ministry is also quite realistic.
If you re-request (and you should absolutely feel free to do so), I may have more suggestions as the fic goes on, but thus far, there's not much to criticize. There are a few minor things: I wish you had had Hugo ask about time turners earlier on rather than just before he breaks all of them, because it just seemed a bit too perfect. I also wanted some reason (and maybe you'll give it later) why Hugo breaking the time turners now had this effect when it didn't happen at the end of the fifth book. Other than that, it's a great start. :)Author's Response: Sorry this took so long for me to reply to! I'm terribly good at putting things off. :/
Thanks for your comments! I'm happy to hear the descriptions are alright. The fear may be totally unfounded at this point, but I'm just constantly worried about them and whether I've done them well. I'll be sure to rerequest in the future and, in regard to the minor things... You have a really good point with when he mentions the time turners, as it does seem way too perfect as I look back. I guess I didn't think about it when I wrote it. XD As for why his breaking them now had the effect it did, it'll be explained later on. :D
Thanks again! Report Review
I just discovered your fic and it is a gem! This is the kind of alternative universe that I love reading but are hardly ever written: dark, mysterious and slightly absurd. I thought the idea was really original and you obviously write well. I can't wait to find out what happens next :)Author's Response: Thank you very much! I appreciate it a lot. Hope you'll continue reading and keep enjoying the story as it progresses! Thanks for taking the time to review! :D Report Review
Okay, long review as promised!
Hugo. I really do like his character. He seems to be slightly opposite from my stereotypical view of an Unspeakable, which is definitely good. It shows a lot of originality. Okay, let's face it, you have no lack of originiality :P He's, so far at least, being a "good boy". He isn't acting up against Amadeus, nor was he ever trying to create trouble. I do wonder if he's going to continue to put up with Amadeus bossing him around, or if he'll eventually speak up. Either way, you have some good character traits developing! There's nothing about him that really stands out to me yet, but it's only the third chapter, so I'm not at all concerned about knowing every little thing about him :P He seems to be fleshed out, and I feel like you know where you're going with him, so you're definitely doing a great job with it!
Your plot is so interesting...I absolutely love the way you're doing this whole alternate universe. As soon as Hugo woke up, I got that feeling that something was wrong. That slight bit of doubt that makes you uncomfortable, but not to the point where you're scared. It's really hard to accomplish, so you definitely had the right ratio of slipping clues out without letting too much information drop in! I do want to know, for once, how they got there, if anyone they knew in the other London still exists, and how they're going to get out. Again, you've given just enough information to make me curious without giving so much that I can solve the mystery.
Your descriptions were better in this chapter! :D It shows growth as a writer, which I always love to see. If I went and looked at chapter six, it'd probably be even better. So for you, it may be less of an issue of tweaking your style, and more of just a skill you're aquire as you write more and grow. And your flow is still excellent!
I'm sorry I couldn't give you more critique...your writing is too good! Please feel free to rerequest! (Or dont, because I'm unable to critique your story :P) Your story's one of those underloved masterpieces that I wish would get the recognition they deserve ;)
-NaidaAuthor's Response: Woohoo! Long review!
Hugo is, at the moment, a bit overshadowed by Amadeus. Amadeus is older and has a lot more experience, and Hugo is kind of relying on him right now since they're both in over their heads here. As things progress, Hugo's forced to speak up for himself, take things over and try to figure things out on his own. I can't say much of anything without spoiling what happens, but he'll get there. Just... not in THIS reality. :P
The alternate reality is so much fun. I think that's one of the things I have the most fun with, really. With a different reality I can smash anyone and anything together and pretend it makes sense. Sirius Black and Ron Weasley leading London against Rowena Ravenclaw and Luna Lovegood? Sure, why not?! Who CARES if it makes sense?! No, not really, I don't think the alternate realities could be too crazy. So anyway, I'm glad you like this one! I can't say anything about the other London and if/how they'll escape. That would, after all, be spoilers, but those things will all be addressed later on. :D
Thank you! I hope my descriptions can keep improving; I feel like that's one of my major weaknesses. Also, if you went to look at chapter six, you'd be looking for quite a while, as it isn't up yet. :P But I know what you mean. Thank you very much!
And the critique you gave helped me a lot! Thank you for your reviews and I'll be sure to rerequest when you have an open slot! :D Report Review
I usually never enjoy these parallel universe type things, because they're written so poorly, but yours is just amazing. What I said on the last chapter about description still stands, as does what I said about the ingenuity of the plot. I promise I'm going to give you a really well thought out review on the next chapter, but I'd like to combine this one with the next to give myself a better picture of this alternate world :) You're doing a great job though!
-NaidaAuthor's Response: I'm happy to hear you like the story! :D Hopefully as the story continues, you'll continue to enjoy it. XD Thanks for reviewing and I look forward to the next chapter's review! Report Review
Hi! Naida here with your requested review!
Characters. I'm not going to comment much on Hugo in this chapter, because I feel as though he's going to be changing a lot in the next chapter, judging by the last few lines. Probably better to see what he becomes, as I often say when reading a first chapter. More on that in the next review!
Plot. I absolutely adore plots like these. It's one of my favorite things about having a review thread, actually. I get to read some excellent stories I would have never discovered on my own. Time in itself is an idea both explored yet strangely left alone in fanfiction. So many time travel stories, yet I've never seen anything like this. It has to be the most creative and original plots I've ever seen. If you can keep this going, it's really going to be an amazing story.
Style. Your flow was fairly good. I did get slightly confused at first as to who all the different characters were, but you cleared that up quickly so nothing to worry about there. Your descriptions, however, could use a little work. You have a great starting point, but since you did ask for help with it, I'm going to try and go in depth.
First of all, there's nothing wrong with not having a lot of description. Some of my favorite stories are the ones not written in that flowery, fluffy style. And in published novels, no one writes like that. It's more a matter of picking the right words when describing something.
I'm going to take this section as an example. "Each event exploded into millions of tiny fragments that went in every direction. He tried to make sense of it all, following some of the pieces as they shot off into the distance. They moved too fast for him to keep track of, however, and soon enough he was just watching them as they flew around."
It has a great baseline. You're definitely trying to make me see what's going on here, and you get there. I can picture this. But it isn't that vivid, clear image that I know you have the potential to give me. Looking at just the first sentence. The fragments "went" in every direction. But how did they go? Did the fly? Was it quickly or slowly? Did they glide? Did the rush by? Was it like sand being carried by a wave? Was it like leaves riding the wind?
Do you get my drift? It's not so much about adding more lengthy descriptions as it is changing how you describe.
Please don't worry too much about this! Your writing's honestly really really good, and this small thing can push you into what I like to call the "legendary" authors. I wouldn't be so picky if I had nothing else to critique you on! :P I don't claim to do this in my writing perfecly, and in fact, very few people can and do. Your writing is brilliant without the descriptions too.
It was overall, an intruiging chapter. I want to read on!
-NaidaAuthor's Response: Hello! And thanks for reviewing!
Hugo changes a lot throughout the story as circumstances change around him. Since the story won't stick to one place/time/reality/whatever, he's confronted with a lot of different situations that he'll have to adapt to in order to make it through. He doesn't change RADICALLY or anything (okay guy one second and murderer the next or something like that), but I hope that over the course of the story you see him... 'evolve', I think, is the best word.
And thank you! I'm glad you like the idea. It really is one of my favorite stories to write. Messing with time and time travel are some of my favorite things to do in writing, so messing with reality itself was just the next step.
I see what you mean about the descriptions. I'll make an effort to work on that in the chapters to come, so maybe I can make it into your 'legendary' authors category. XD I wouldn't consider myself legendary or anything, but anyway. Thanks for your review! Report Review
This story is great, and way different from other stories on this site! :)Author's Response: Thank you very much! I appreciate it a lot, and thanks for reviewing! :D Report Review
I can see it. Yes, I can see Hugo as an Unspeakable. It seems like him :)
Also, your descriptions are so well written! I love your explanation of the clock room, I feel like I'm surrounded by them. I also feel very bad for Hugo having to take them apart and put them back together and am also slightly awed at his ability to do this...so many parts!
I think that Carrow is funny in a way, and I'm not sure if you've meant us to like him despite himself, but I sort of do. Like when you include details like one of three things that he said to Hugo in the first weeks was "Get away from me." Highly likable.
Also your description of when the timetables shatter and where Hugo is and what happens is all very intriguing and is an interesting take on the conglomeration of time. I like your take on the Department itself, too, because I always imagined that people there actually knew what they were doing but it would make sense in the slightly whimsical HP world that they actually have no idea--and I think that makes this story a whole lot more interesting, too, since they're still trying to figure out exactly what they're doing...while they're doing it.
The only thing that I could say was a bit confusing was at the beginning when Hugo was talking about when he met Broadmoor...I couldn't tell if that was the interview or if it was the morning of his first day on the job, but I think the latter because there wasn't any mention of him coming home and having a panic attack or anything.
Overall I think this was well written and I like the subtle humor you've laced throughout it--it's admittedly very different from you humorous blogs but I see how this is more fitting to your story :PAuthor's Response: I'll admit, I honestly just picked Hugo at random. I didn't want to use James II again, or Albus for that matter, so I went with Hugo. I'm glad you think it fits him, though! I figured one of the Weasleys would go for a job like that. It just so happened to be Hugo.
And thank you! I still consider description one of my weaker points, so I put some extra effort into this and, well, glad you like it. Taking apart and putting the clocks back together ended up working out really well (thanks to Tinny for that!), but even so... poor Hugo. XD
It's great if you like Carrow! He's my favorite character to write; I couldn't get rid of him just because I destroyed reality. That was too boring. He's likable in some weird sort of way. I can't disagree.
Breaking the timeturners and time itself was my favorite part to write! Happy to hear you found that interesting. The Department, too; yeah, like you said, people are trying to figure out what exactly they're doing while they're doing it, and I think that makes it a lot more interesting of a place than if they had, say, an instruction manual.
The beginning conversation with Broadmoor was actually something I wrote, thinking they'd walk through the Department of Mysteries or something, and then nothing like that ever happened. Basically, it should be deleted... I just kind of like it. XD
Thank you for taking the time to review! I'm glad you liked it, and hopefully I'll have another blog up soon for you to enjoy, too! Report Review
Here with the review you requested. You didn't ask for any specific focus, though you did ask for things where you can improve so I'll include that.
I like the story so far. It's an interesting concept and the way you've chosen to write the characters as sort of "Odd Couple" is certainly believable and makes for a productive dynamic. You have also ended each chapter with a bit of a bang, but not exactly a cliffhanger. All this and your comfortable style of writing adds up to me looking forward to the rest of the story.
For things that you could improve on I'll have to base it on my personal preferences as I don't really see any technical flaws. Personally, I would like to see a few more displays of magic. It's all well and good to have the characters be Harry Potter universe characters, but I think there should be more descriptions of magic.
I also notice you are sort of leading the reader along as if they were in a Poirot novel, not giving the audience the clues that Amadeus is annoyed with Hugo for not perceiving. I personally would have liked it better if, for example, you had described the scene with the wizards walking around the street with their wands out and with the occasional appearance of magical affects and have Hugo look at it without figuring it out. Then Amadeus would point out the significance to Hugo, but the reader would have had the chance to come to that conclusion independently.
Other than that, the only other thing I would think might improve things would be a few stranger anomalies you could describe, such as paper airplanes flying around town instead of owls. Just more of those small changes for the reader to pick up on.
But, that's all I could see to suggest. You've got a great story going and I enjoyed reading what you've got so far.Author's Response: Hello and thanks for reviewing! Glad to hear you've enjoyed it so far; the concept interested me, so it's always nice to hear it interests other people, as well. Regarding the characters, I thought having two people who were more at odds with each other in this sort of situation would be much more fun to write (and read, hopefully) than two people who can't get enough of each other.
I'll try to take all of those suggestions and work them into the story, as well. Possibly go back and add in a few descriptions of magic and the like. There will be much more magic later on, as things progress and the situation worsens, but I've got to agree with you that a few extra shows of magic in the streets could have helped the reader pick up on what was going on, and I think I'd prefer that over leaving them clueless. I think I'll go back at some point and make a few edits with that in mind.
Thanks a lot for your suggestions and everything! Once I've posted some more chapters, I'll be sure to re-request to get some more criticisms and all that jazz! Report Review
First of all, as a Philosophy student, I got SO excited reading the summary of this story. Anything mind-bending, unique, different etc etc gets my brain going, so this looked to be super exciting.
This chapter has a very good balance of dialogue and narrative. I really struggle to get involved in stories where the dialogue is heavy and the narrative is lacking. However, narrative is tricky to get right too. You have a very natural style and it's easy to read. Weighty narrative can get tiring but this definitely didn't lose my attention at any point. There are lightly humourous remarks hidden within the body of the narrative, which is nice to see. You're not trying too hard to make it funny, but it stops the whole thing dragging. Again, something else which is often hard to get write. Kudos to you.
You introduce Hugo very smoothly. You slowly draw the reader into his life, with snippets about his family and his job background, which all helps build his character subtly without shouting about it. You do this well throughout, actually, with not just Hugo but with other characters (for example, the "short woman in blue") - there's enough information to keep me happy and to build up an atmosphere of the place Hugo is in, but again it stops the narrative dragging. You have a talent indeed.
I have to say, this is right up my street. Your description of the shattering of reality was fabulous and intriguing and I would generally have to say that I agree with your depiction of it. I don't know who it was, but somebody once said that time is what keeps everything from happening all at once. In my philosophy class we discussed what would time look like to someone outside of time (and space) and we decided that they would see everything all at once, altogether, like someone who knows the plot of a book after reading the whole thing.
I am adding this to my favourites because it's so so interesting. Excellent idea. I might be slow with reviewing the next chapters (as in, really really slow) so you're welcome to rerequest at any time :)
MarinaAuthor's Response: I'm happy to hear you liked the premise of the story! It's something I've wanted to write for awhile and the idea has always interested me, so it's always cool to hear other people are interested by it too! Thanks a lot for all the kind words, too. I spent a good amount of time with this first chapter in order to get it right, so it's nice to know it paid off, with both my description and characters.
The shattering of reality was my favorite part of this chapter, I think, so I'm happy you liked it as well! I'd never heard the quote before and I googled who said it (John Wheeler, according to google), but I'd liked the idea of everything just suddenly happening at once and went with it. That, and I quite liked 'Hugo being beaten senseless with a rainbow'... er... anyway.
I'm happy to hear you enjoyed it! I tend to be pretty slow at updating at times, so no worries! Whenever you get a chance to review the next couple chapters is cool with me. I look forward to it! Thanks again for reviewing! Report Review
Hello! This is TenthWeasleyWriter from the forums with your requested review. ^^
I absolutely loved this story! I've never read a time-dimension thing before (did that make sense?) because, to be quite honest, most of them are quite poorly written. You have definitely blown that generality out of the water, out of the chimney - all those sorts of euphemisms. ^^
Your writing style comes across as very natural and personable, and this is exactly the kind of style that makes people wnt to read what you write. So well done! It just seems as though writing like this comes naturally to you, and it really hooked me in. You've also got Hugo's character (at least in the way I see him) nailed down to a 'T'.
Love this story, you've got a great piece on your hands here! I can only see your writing improving with time. Thanks so much for popping by my thread and leaving a request, feel free to come back!Author's Response: Hello! I'm happy to hear you liked it and that I've blown a generality out of the water! And out of the chimney. :D
Thanks regarding my writing style, as well. It means a lot; I always think I write too rushed and don't fit enough description or anything in, so thanks! And thanks again (I feel like a broken record saying thanks over and over again...) about Hugo. We don't know much about him, so it's good to hear you think I've got the character down.
Thanks for taking the time to review, and I'll certainly drop by your thread again once I've updated! Report Review
Wow, this chapter was even better than the first one. I really, really love this story. There are so few well-written Dimension / time travel stories, I'm really happy you made me discover yours!
And, yay! Carrow is still present! I love this character, he's so original; rarely do people take time to write a not-so-enjoyable kind of guy with that much flesh. He feels like a fully rounded character, multi-dimensional and is greatly enjoyable. Hugo is still very quiet and low-profile but the way he perceives details and the reflections he gives at times show that you have a clear idea how to present him and that he will definitly come into his own eventually.
I have to say I really love the way you write. It feels natural and effortlessly written (therefore being effortlessly... readable?). Your writing is also very clean and original; your great vocabulary and use of words gives this piece a special and enjoyable feel.
Oh and this is going into my favorites because I do not want to miss your next publication; can't wait to see how this original story will turn out!
AkussaAuthor's Response: I'm happy to hear you like it! I like writing it, so it's nice to hear people are enjoying it. =D
I really like Carrow as well; I didn't want to get rid of him right away because, well, that's the reason. I like him. He's not a really likable guy and I like writing those kinds of people. It's more enjoyable (for me to write, at least) Hugo traveling with someone when they really don't like each other. As for Hugo, he does seem quiet, doesn't he? He's kind of letting Carrow take control here. He's got no idea what's going on, so he's letting Carrow handle it for now and hoping for the best. XD
And again, thank you! I appreciate it. I'm glad you like my writing so much. =D Anyway, thanks for reviewing! Chapter 3 should be finished soon, so hopefully you won't have to wait long for that! Report Review
What a great first chapter! The idea in itself is simply amazing and you played it very nicely. (It's actually very hard for me to write this review so much that I want to go and read the second chapter...)
I really like your characterization of Hugo; you put a small yet informative background to him and around him (mainly his family). The characters around him, expecially Carrow are so well written, it's a shame he probably won't be around too long!!
Other than that, it's a very well written chapter; it flows perfectly and the action picks up slowly yet timely. You also describe everything to perfection; the effort you put in detailing makes it very easy for the reader to picture the scenes just like you see them in your minds eye. Keep up the great work, it's a real pleasure to read your work!
AkussaAuthor's Response: Hi! I love the idea of traveling through time, but I wanted to do something more different than that, so I went and tried traveling through different realities. Or dimensions, I don't know the correct term, really. Glad to hear that you liked the characterizations; I always feel like that's my weakest point, right up there with descriptions. Speaking of which, glad you thought I did good on those, too. I had to go through the chapter a few times to make sure I got it right, but I guess it turned out well in the end. Thanks for your comments and taking the time to review! =D Report Review
This chapter was really awesome! I feel like I'm getting to know the characters and situations they're in from a great view. You're writing is really fun and well-composed. Keep up the beyond awesome work! :DAuthor's Response: Thanks a lot! I'll be sure to keep it up. Chapter 3 is almost finished, so I guess that's a start. Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
I'm not surprised this was absolutely amazing! It makes me want to write more of my own stories! Awesome job! :)Author's Response: Thank you very much! This made my day. Honest. In fact, it makes me want to go finish chapter 2 right now. XD Thanks so much for your review! Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection