“Trust me, I always am.”
That was just heart wrenching! As a reader we know that Sirius is about to die and reading that just made the pain all the more acute. Also when Zara was reading the wedding magazines, and the thought of Sirius never getting to know that he had a child, it made his death all the more painful.
There were a few spelling and grammar mistakes though I won't go into detail since you already seem to know about them. :)
“I want to wait for Sirius before you tell me this.” This line broke my heart. I knew that Sirius was dead, but I even still I was hoping for Zara's sake that he wasn't.
Really great chapter and a nice ending to the story- I hope everything works out for Zara and the baby. Well done! :D
HufflepuffAuthor's Response: Thanks for all of these lovely reviews! I have a follow up to this called Walking Away, where Zara decides it's time to give up magic- thinking that a muggle world would be safer for the child... so up until the child finds out he's a wizard, all goes well, I think XD Report Review
Okay, I'm here for chapter two now :D
Firstly, I love how Zara makes noise so that Remus can make her coffee- that made me smile. The first half of the chapter is great, it flows nicely and I can definitely see Remus and Zara reacting as they did to Sirius' escape. I would have liked the second half to be a bit longer or more detailed, just because I wanted to see Sirius and Zara interact more. I love how Zara just automatically takes care of him, feeding him, bathing him, it was all very sweet and after reading it I'm glad they didn't just throw themselves at each other- you made their love feel much deeper by the way you portrayed them.
There were a few grammar errors, such as; '...Pettigrew got away though”, there needs to be a comma or a full stop. Nothing major and nothing that detracted my attention from the story.
Overall it was great! I really, really enjoyed how Zara and Sirius interacted. Well done :D
HufflepuffAuthor's Response: Thanks for this review! I agree with you about making the other half longer, I'm glad you think the same! Yeah, I always thought that throwing themselves at eachother wouldnt be the way to go. (And think about it- would you really throw yourself at someone who probably hasnt washed for 12 years?!) Hehe. Thanks again... Report Review
This chapter started wonderfully! The letter was a really lovely idea that had the ability to immediately make me feel Sirius' affection for Zara, despite its shortness.
I love that the story takes place when Sirius has already been in Azkaban for a while, its a very refreshing start for a Sirius story.
I really like Zara so far, and I think its was really sweet that she was still in love with him and thought that he was innocent. I think the fact she'd been bottling her emotions up because of that is very realistic too- it must be hard for her to admit that she is in love with a 'murderer' when everyone else believed he was guilty.
It makes me sad to see Remus angry since he is usually so calm and collected, though I understand why- betrayal is a horrible thing and I imagine he felt betrayed a bit by Zara for admitting she still loved Sirius.
I really liked that Sirius' returning letter was only one word (and in blood), it reflects the mood of Azkaban really well.
The spelling and grammar were great, so no critiques there. :D
Loved it! *Hurries off to read the next chapter*
HufflepuffAuthor's Response: Aah. Thanks for such a lovely review! I know the other chapters have a lot of typos in it because I havent edited them yet... Thanks again! Go Hufflepuff! :D Report Review
Hi there LMW from the forums with your final review. And I had a feeling that this was going to be the chapter that Sirius died; I can’t be sure why I thought that, but I had a gut feeling about it all.
Okay, it has become more progressive, but you definitely had a lot more typos and grammatical issues in this chapter. I would recommend considering getting a beta to help you read over your chapters before you submit them on the internet. I would also recommend that if you don’t get a beta, just having a friend or another pair of eyes reading your chapters.
I was going to include some of the issues but there were too many for me to include. But this was the only major issue I saw in this chapter besides your choice of diction as well. I think that this was a very believable and sympathic chapter towards Zara.
When you were including the details about weddings and wedding dresses, it was making me sad as I watched her excitement grow and knew as the reader that she would never be seeing Sirius again. I hated that Remus had to tell her as well. I’m sure it had to affect their friendship.
I was also very sad to have Zara trying to be so brave and putting on a good face instead allowing grief to take its course and place. I know she was trying to honor Sirius and his memory, but it was just the wrong way to go about that.
You also need to capatalise Order, Death Eaters, and other words that JKR managed to capatlise in her book series because that it what dictates FF and how its written.
LMWAuthor's Response: Thank you for this review! *Cringe* I didn't notice all of the typo's... I definately need to go over it! I agree i need a pair of "fresh eyes" to go over it. Thanks again! :) Report Review
Hi there LMW from the forums again with the second review for you. I definitely enjoyed this chapter.
Gently, instinctively, I lead beside him. —I laid beside him. For the last dialogue from Sirius, you need to fix the subject-verb agreement between ministry and catch; it is currently wrong. Also, you had some odd diction choices. I would recommend re-reading this chapter to find some of your typos. I may have missed some.
My other compliant would be that you rushed the second bit of the chapter from when Sirius shows up on Zara’s doorstep to the end that it seems rushed.
You very distinctly give the actions of what is happening between the two of them but it doesn’t seem like you really focus on what Zara is feeling which is what really interests me as the reader. I’d recommend also reading over this part again to see what you could add.
I did completely enjoy reading about Zara though and putting the story in Potter universe perspective. I think that you did a lovely job by including the Prophet headlines as well as Remus packing for his job at Hogwarts. I’m curious to know about how Remus got the offer and if Zara ever interacted with Dumbledore though.
I think that you have a really good talent for including good sensory details (the grime in Sirius’ hair, the purple robe, the strawberry scent for the bath) which helps the reader envision what is happening in your head and what you want to be translated across in your story.
Also, when you include numbers, make sure you write them out if they are under one hundred or single words i.e. one, seventeen, one thousand, or sixty-five. That’s just proper grammar.
LMWAuthor's Response: Thankyou for the review! I totally agree with what you said. I think the first thing the laid/lead thing is purely because of my dialect, and I forget that not everyone on HPFF is Bristolian, hehe. I'm definately going to go over this chapter with this in mind. :) Report Review
Hi there, LMW from the forums with your requested review. I love Marauder fics and was very excited to see that you were writing one yourself. I also have read tons of Sirius/OC fics, but rarely do they begin after Sirius has been convicted and left to Azkaban. I give you major kudos for attempting one so late.
I just wanted to mention the minor issues I saw before I forgot about them. You need to change one of the it’s to an its and you also need to add a comma before put quotations when you have dialogue. Those were the only issues that I found with technical and grammatical categories for this chapter.
I also think that you started out the story very well though because I liked the discovery of the note. I think it was a good way for us to be transported to the memories that Zara is experiencing. It made the transition easy and believable for why she was thinking about Sirius so much.
I found your Remus to be slightly aggressive and painfully awkward; I feel that Remus would be a little bit less so and have a bit more compassion. It is all up for your own personal interpretation of course but it was just my personal impression from the chapter.
Good job; I’m excited to read the next two chapters!
LMWAuthor's Response: Thank-you for the review. I think that you make a good point- The only reason I portray Remus this way was that in PoA he was prepared to kill Peter when he found out about him, and so I would have thought he may be a bit touchy about the subject... But i'm definately going to take that into account when i re-edit. Thanks again :) Report Review
That was really sad and melancholy and conveyed a very different mood to the previous two chapters which was really good. I thought Remus' announcement of Sirius' death was a little scripted and not very Remus like, but I forgave you when you said 'Remus rehearsed sounding speech' because that was basically what I thought when reading it.
There were a few spelling errors and grammar issues, mainly punctuation and capitals at the end of dialogue, but another careful read over should fix them.
You've done a really good job with these three chapters. They convey the moments in time really well and Zara has been nicely inserted into the canon story line. Well done :)Author's Response: Thankyou again for the review!
I really appreciate you reading them. I had a feeling that the third story wasn't as good as the others. :-/
I might go over what Remus said also to make sure i get it sounding better. Yes, i think i have grammar issues, lol. I have a thing for placing commas in random places...
Thanks Again! Report Review
I'm enjoying the story you are weaving so far. I did feel that his chapter could be expanded a little more, maybe just a little more about Zara's feelings with all the sightings of Sirius, or thoughts about Sirius and what he says, how he looks etc. It will just help to really engage the reader with her character.
There were a few grammatical errors with dialogue
“I… I believe you.” I said, = “I… I believe you,” I said,
Also, sometimes there is no punctation at the end of the dialogue. It's nothing major, and doesn't detract from the story at all, but it's something to watch out for.
I like Zara, I like her unwavering love of Sirius. You have portrayed her well and she stayed consistent with the first chapter as well. Equally, I like the state that Sirius is in.Author's Response: Thanks again!
I think i'll go over this chapter and maybe go a bit deeper. Thanks for the advice! :) Report Review
Hi, ravenclaw_princess from the forums. Sorry it's taken so long to get to you.
I really like this story so far; I haven't read anything set during this period of time before so it was quite unique and fresh. The setting was nicely established as was the relationship between Zara, Sirius and Lupin. Everything flowed well and I like the little flahses into her memories of Sirius.
The letter was nicely written and I love the emotion that you conveyed in it. Equally, I like the briefness of Sirius' response.
Grammatically, the story was basically flawless. I spotted one mistake which was...'and I start screeching at any moment'. It needs to lose the I.
I like the characters, Lupin's general grumpiness and unwillingness to talk of his 'murderer' of a friend, and Zara holding onto her love and belief of his innocence. Their emotions were conveyed really well.
Youve made a great start. Well done.Author's Response: Thank you for such a lovely review!
Thanks for pointing the grammatical error in this- I think i'll go over it.
And, don't worry about how long it took... It was worth the wait! :) Report Review
OMG so sad! I cried during this chapter!! :'( I love Sirius! Why did J.K Rowling have to make him die!? It's just not fair!Author's Response: Oh My Gosh! Thank-you so much for this lovely review!
I often wish that maybe in the books we could have got to know him better... shame she killed him really... but yeah... i wanted to explore the effects his death would have on the people around him, so yeah... anyway... thankyou!! Report Review
Such a sad ending! But in a good way. There are a couple of typos in there, but apart from that, this was very enjoyable!
xxAuthor's Response: Thank you! I will go over and smooth some of the typo's out A.S.A.P
Thanks for the Review, Leanne Report Review
This is a very sweet story :)
I also really like your banner, who is the actor/model/singer(?) used for Sirius? He's prefect!Author's Response: Ah, thank-you for the lovely review.
The guy is Simon Neil, and is a singer in a rock group called Biffy Clyro. He's gorgeous! :) Report Review
I love this story! I forgot to leave a review for the first chapter but i'm here reviewing the second. You said there's only 2 more chapters left, right? Well I'll be sad once it's over. You should consider writing a story during their time at Hogwarts! Can't wait for the next update.
~LaurenAuthor's Response: Awww, Thank you! :)
Actually, there is only one chapter left, but i am thinking about a prequel :)
Thanks for the review, Leanne Report Review
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