I'm a huge sucker for well-written Marauder stories, and you have hit the nail right on the head with this story. You're extremely good at writing single moments, small snapshots of life, in these one-shots, and they really are my favorite type of one-shot. It's as though you hit pause on just one day in the magical world, one moment, and made it special. There is such hope and youth and life in this story that it makes me want to cry (happy tears), and it makes it that much more poignant to know that it's about these four in particular. These are the four men who will shape the next generation in countless ways: They are, in essence, the starting point for the canon series. There's so much ahead of them on that pink, glowing horizon, and they don't even know it yet, and I just want to hold this one-shot in my hands and cradle it and have this sense of forever always.
The imagery in this particular story was simply gorgeous. Even the way you describe teenage boys rolling out of bed -- and admittedly, that's probably not the most attractive scene in the entire world -- just has me soaked in... I think I can only say magic. This is the kind of fan fiction story that makes me crave the magical world like I do when I read the canon books, and not a lot of fic gets me to that point. I can't say enough good things about it! The comparisons of the different sorts of silences were particularly well done, and I loved the end scene, too, with the forty seventh-years in boats; coming full circle, one could say. That was simply beautiful writing.
You got the boys and their personalities spot-on, and I really thank you, too, for making Peter seem like an actual person, a part of the group; nothing turns me off a Marauders story faster than when people write Peter as though he's an idiot, or not worth mentioning until he betrays the Potters.
This was my favorite of the three one-shots of yours I read, I do think! But they were all fantastic, truly -- I'm so glad that I got the chance to read them. ♥ Again, I hope you have a very merry Christmas!Author's Response: Thank you for the lovely review!!! I'm really glad you enjoyed this, I think it may be my favorite thing that I have posted here. It was one of those moments that must have just always been in my head, because I wrote it all in one sitting, there were very few edits, and all in all it just flowed right out. Maybe when people write their true "head canon" you get better writing than the stuff you need to crank out; maybe this was just a good moment for me to write. ;)
I wrote this some time ago, but I do recall trying to fit all the boys in evenly, the good and the bad. And I wanted to make them seem like teenage boys, not "THE MARAUDERS," if you know what I mean. They couldn't prank people all day, after all, and they were also incredibly bright. I recall wanting those traits to come across here as well.
Thank you for the lovely reviews, as well as the icons you left me. Can't wait to learn who you are! Merry Christmas! Report Review
"Sunlight cuts through the window, falling square on Sirius's bed, a fact he has moaned about since our very first morning here. A few girls have mentioned it, too."
I love this, I love this, I LOVE THIS. Sirius, you naughty boy! Bringing girls into the dormitory. That's exactly how I picture Sirius to be. One who would mess with girls during Hogwarts and bring them into his dormitory for fun. I burst into laughter when reading that line. It. Is. Genius.
I was smiling the entire time that I read this one shot. The Marauders happen to be my absolutely favorite group of friends and reading the ending of their time together at Hogwarts is bitter sweet. You shape the happenings and emotions in the story well. I love your word use and description; I was able to vividly see what the characters could see and successfully feel the emotions they felt as well. Your writing style was one I absolutely adored. The story moved along at a well pace and the bits of humor you would throw in really brought it to life even more because, they are after all the Marauders, a funny, adventurous group, and the way you portrayed them really hit the nail on the head (I hope my paraphrasing of the famous saying makes sense LOL).
Your grammar and spelling were flawless. I found no errors. I loved the characters. You really stuck to their canon traits and I couldn't be happier. I love the boys just the way they were originally written. You expanded on what was given by JKR (when it comes to their characteristics) and made them even stronger, believable, well-rounded individuals. I just really, really enjoyed this and everything about it. Brilliant piece! :)Author's Response: Thank you for the lovely review. :D You caught that snippet about Sirius, I see, one of the many bits and pieces that occurred to me as I plodded through this story.
I'm glad you liked my Marauders, because this is how they are in my minds: I don't have it in me to dive deep in their world, this is about all I can manage, but I was pleased with how this little snapshot turned out. I'm really glad you enjoyed it as well! Thanks for dropping by. Report Review
Oh my god.
There are no words to explain this feeling that is literally crawling around in my chest where my heart should be, threatening to burst with so much love for your Remus. This is my Remus. He is so, so perfect. Contemplative, observant, beautiful brilliant boy. His cheerfulness, his painful optimism. God, woman, it's like you've taken my picture perfect Remus right out of my head and written him exactly as I imagine him in a thousand words.
This was so wonderful. Cyclical. Leaving Hogwarts on the boats that brought them to this castle seven years previously.
I don't even know what to say. Everything is perfect. The interactions between the Marauders, their easy dialogue and joking nature. Everything is so natural, the way you write them, like they're real boys who have grown up together. It makes me slightly melancholic thinking about their future because you're giving us such a lovely sad glimpse of them as they leave the safety of Hogwarts, all youthful naivety, bony elbows and knees jam packed into tiny boats.
And that last line. My heart. It's so beautiful. Every word is so carefully placed and this is just such a fantastic story. I don't even know. This review makes absolutely no sense, but my brain and my heart keep screaming at me that this, these Marauders, are my head canon and they are so perfect. This is perfect.Author's Response: Ahh, I'm so glad you like this Remus!!! I rarely attempt the Marauders, but when I wrote this, it felt right. It may have had something to do with inserting a bit of myself in Remus, but that can't really be it, because he's still very much his own person here. It's really, really great to hear that he rang true with you too.
This, like just about every other story I'm still proud of (and that number generally isn't large), was written in one sitting. I just banged it out, and I attribute some of its more natural bits to that. The boats back to the shore was not my idea, I believe it's actually something JK said she imagined (don't quote me on that), but it fit my mood perfectly while writing this.
Thank you, thank you, for such a lovely review. This is one of the better reactions I've ever gotten to a story, and believe me, your review made perfect sense. Report Review
Honestly, I donít know how you do it. Youíve completely mastered the English language and the subtleties that it gladly, but too-unoften shoulders. (I make up words sometimes.) If you feel inclined to disagree, feel free to keep your humility inside anyways! ;)
I think that this piece is a mastery of cycles. Most noticeably, having them leave the school in the boats they first arrived in. The way that the four always reconvene. The transition periods.
I like the way that youíve portrayed Remus. Itís rather like Iíve always pictured; Moony as the thoughtful, cheerful one, the sort of unsung backbone of the group. I love his thoughts about the others as well. He seems to understand them in a believable way. He states things about them craftily. I like to think that I can tell each word is purposefully placed.
Itís one of those ones where you just see answers popping up and answering questions effortlessly, where everything ties together and despite the fact that it leaves the immediate future out of the picture, you begin to think that you donít want it there. Things are round, full, ripe the way that they are. Often times when I read a story that relies upon internal monologue to fill space (though I would argue that these thoughts do much more than that), Iím left feeling a little unsatisfied; like I could still have eaten up a couple hundred more words. This is perfect, a little regenerative lifecycle.
I find Remus to be charming, and his thoughts very eloquent in both content and the way that he makes them seem so simple. Like, yeah, maybe I havenít thought about it that way before, but it feels like I always have.
I canít help but chuckle as I imagine what you must be thinking, flipping through praise after praise. But I promised honesty, so thatís what youíre getting--unfortunately, helpful or not :)
I hope youíre having an amazing day! If I could make a little heart symbol here, I would ;)
--lilyAuthor's Response: Haha, I don't think I'm quite a master. I'll hang onto the humility, and just have a silly grin on my face instead. ;)
There is definitely a focus on cycles here. I don't know if you're aware of this, but the leaving Hogwarts via first boats was entirely JK's idea. When asked how she pictured Hogwarts graduation, she was vague but mentioned the boats procession. I think it's extremely fitting, and just had to fit it in.
I don't do a lot of Marauders writing (I tend to shy away from big groups like the Marauders and the trio), but I've always related to Remus best. I'm not a prankster and I'm not a backstabber, so he's the only one left, really! I hope I did him justice.
The events of this are pretty compact, mostly concerning the morning of the last day and then a little bit at the end concerning the boats. For the most part, I like it that way: I've always liked, as a reader, having things left for my imagination to picture.
Again, thank you for such flattering reviews! I feel like I'm not doing them justice. Crit is helpful, praise is heartwarming, and we all need a dose of both. You've fulfilled my praise slots for the next decade or so. ;) Report Review
You are brilliant at writing these beautiful one-shots. Absolutely brilliant.
Remus is one of my all-time favorite characters and definitely one of my favorite Marauders. It's probably because he reminds me a lot of myself--quiet, introspective, observant. He was wise beyond his years and appreciative of everything he was ever blessed to have.
The flow of this piece is simple, calm--like that sleepy silence. It wasn't one of those stories you can rush through or that you want to rush through to see what happens. It's story that you want to take slowly, really understanding each of their words, taking the time to visualize every bit of imagery.
DemAuthor's Response: Hello again! I don't think I would be impervious to Sirius or James' charm, but I agree that in real life Remus would probably be my favorite. As I wrote this, it occurred to me how much older Remus is than the other three, even if they're the same age. I'm glad you liked the flow of this, and wanted to take the time to appreciate it. It flowed well as I was writing it, too. Thanks! Report Review
This is incredible. This is such an epic 12+, I'm jealous.Author's Response: Thanks for dropping by and reviewing! I hope you're still writing your own epic 12+. Report Review
Hello, long_live_bellatrix_luna! Sorry for the delay. It was the holidays, but onto the review!
Oh Marauders, I am intrigued. I found your summary to be intriguing and telling to the point where my curious was piqued. However, the chapter summary was much different. It was actually confusing for me. The 'Me' seemed unnecessary since and 'I' immediately followed. And what point is moot? That he doesn't think about himself because he wakes up first? I don't find there to be a connection between waking up earlier or later and thinking about yourself...
I love James. I like that he's the snorer. It's adorable! 'shifting an even inch' -I'm not sure if this a common phrase that I am unaware of, but I don't get it XD Did you mean even an inch?
The personification of Sirius' blanket seemed awkward to me too. I thought 'One' was a person, not a reference back to his blanket. Watch those dangling modifiers. Otherwise, your writing is great!
No one uses their drapes to cover them when they sleep? Interesting. Remus seems like a creeper haha. It's funny, not alarming. No worries.
'I sigh, silently. I do not let myself feel a hint of sorrow."- sorry about what? This line doesn't seem to have grounding your one-shot. What is Remus sad about? Like in general or something specific?
Lol birthday suit.
I enjoyed your characterization of the Marauders and the moment you've chosen to show us, the readers. I think they were all for the most part in character and fun to read about. I found your one-shot to be mildly depressing and uplifting at the same time, much like Remus seemed to feel. This parallel was nice and nicely expressed. But Remus appeared slightly bi-polar in terms of his emotion. He was WAY to chipper for me in the morning, especially in comparison to his thoughts earlier which were sad and solemn. I would have liked a better explanation/transition/ or connection between his thoughts and how he acts and talks. They did not connect for me.
Also, I wish, as I often do in everything, for more description and details. I feel that you have a good mastery of the language and great descriptions as is, but I always want more. What exactly did they do on their last day? He didn't see his friends again for the whole day? Did they all pack already? I doubt it. Was there a ceremony? Anything more you would have given, I would have enjoyed reading.
Like I said, I enjoyed this and felt my heart strings pull at the subtle emotional aspects of the story, but I was slightly bothered that the War was not mentioned. Voldemort is out killing at this point and there seems to be zero mention of it. Was this intentional or not?
Overall, I think you did a good job of capturing this moment. I particular found them leaving on the boats to be adorable (it took me a minute to realize they were actually on them and not first years again...dangling modifiers). I love the Marauders and I think you did them justice, which is fantastic! I think you could pursue more of their story and do great things with them, if you wanted to in the future. I liked the minimal dialogue a lot and found none of the emotions I felt cheesy at all, but I would look at Remus' sad-to-happy bit. Best of luck and hope this helped!
8/10Author's Response: Hello! This is arguably one of the most detailed and helpful reviews I've ever gotten, so let me first say a huge THANKS!
You caught me with the chapter summary. I don't like saying "he did this then that and saw so-and-so as well" in chapter summaries, especially in one shots because that would be the whole plot right there. So I opt instead to copy and paste a quote from the chapter, just to give a preview at the type of writing, character, idea or theme I'm introducing. However, you were right, the quote doesn't make much sense, in context or out of it. I was trying to say that the Marauders had a general pattern, but not a concrete one like Remus, and he excluded himself from his observations because he was sure of himself already.
"An even inch" is a typo, I've got a list of them to fix once posting is enabled once more. I'll fix the dangling modifiers as well. Thanks. ;)
As someone who has never slept in a bed with drapes, and probably never thought about them before HP, I tend to forget them in my writing. Oh well. :P
The whole happy to sad thing, and the sorrow concerning the transition, was basically Remus saying he was averse to transition. He liked being the observer and didn't mind being the one to wake up his friends and get on with the day, but he had trouble with the transition. Trouble letting go, you could say. Perhaps that was my failure to be subtle. :P I may put a bit of that explanation into the text, along with my edited typos.
As for the lack of extensive detail, I wanted the one shot to show the ending of a comfortable life and the beginning of a different, stranger one. I wanted to give a taste of the Marauders when they were on the cusp of manhood, not really adults but only schoolboys for one more day. Graduation ceremonies were a whole 'nother matter. I wanted this to be a glimpse, not an in-depth analysis. I wanted to show the end of Hogwarts for the Marauders, not what a Hogwarts graduation is like. So I left out the majority of the process, focusing on what I thought Remus would most appreciate.
As for the war... I'll admit it didn't cross my mind while I wrote the story, which is not good! However, it does fit in with my ramble above about just capturing the blur of the day and some of the emotions it included, not a life story. I do think I'll go back and put a mention of that somewhere, though, as it would certainly be on everyone's minds.
Once again, thank you SO much for the review. I don't know if I've ever seen that amount of detail and careful thought put into a review here, and it was immensely helpful. Thank you for the time you put into this! Report Review
This is beautiful. Your descriptions make me green with envy. :P They're brilliant, and they flow with the rest of the story wonderfully.
I liked the boat ride. I've read so many different Hogwarts graduation ceremonies that it's become terribly cliche. While the boat ride idea isn't the most original, either, it was carried out nicely. It seemed like something seventh years leaving Hogwarts would do.
Remus' POV was interesting, too. I liked it, though- it felt very in-character for him. There were some lines I adored because they were just so Remus. And I liked how the Marauders' personality shone through their sleeping habits. Like how Peter is curled up under his blanket, and how Sirius (and some girls ;)) complained about the sun shining on his bed.
Just a beautful story, overall. :)Author's Response: Hi! I'm overjoyed you like my descriptions, because, as I say in nearly every review response, description is not a strong point of mine.
As for the boat ride, that is sort of canon. When questioned in an interview about Hogwarts graduation, JK was vague but said she imagined seventh years leaving the castle in the boats that first brought them there. So it's by no means original, I agree, but not for lack of creativity. :P
Just "so Remus" eh? I'd like to know what those are. I don't consider myself a Marauder expert and just did the best with what I had. Anyway, thank you for the thoughtful review! I really appreciate it. :D Report Review
Wow. What an amazing story. The whole idea of the silence was really clever, and that made the last line very powerful.
I LOVED the way they left, on the little boats they went on as first years. Okay, so I've read that before, but I love how you DIDN"T write about graduation, with speeches, parents, and the hats. It's such a cliche, so I was glad you didn't write it!
For a first Marauder story, wow again! I loved the characterisation you gave them. You stuck to the canon, and it was really lovely. Interesting how it's from Moony's POV, but it works very, very well.
Your writing is really good. All your sentences are just so.. perfectly worded, and I think you get just the right amount of dialogue, amount of description, amount of action. Nice balance. A very nice read :)Author's Response: I've always been fascinated with the whole Hogwarts graduation, but I really didn't want to ruin the tone of this one shot or take it from where it was heading by bogging it down with speeches and all that. I've also heard that graduations in the UK are substantially different from the ones I'm used to in the US, and I didn't want this to turn into "lllb's grand idea of a graduation she knows nothing about!". :P I just skipped over it and focused on the part I liked, which was leaving via boat.
Thank you for the lovely review! It was so great for me to see you thought it was perfectly worded. There are some writers who balance out every sentence and spend an age choosing the perfect word, but I can't do that. If I do, it sounds forced and just gets ugly. It's when it flows without thought, like this one, that I get something I'm proud of. Thanks! Report Review
Starting off, I have two piddly little grammatical errors to point out:
shifting an even inch -> shifting even an inch
haven't sleep in -> haven't slept in
Okay, now that's out of the way: This is really an extraordinary piece of writing. I'm so glad I got a chance to read it. The descriptions are just beautiful, I love the silence and the horizon and the boys sleeping... The line about Peter "the way he used to when he got a compliment he didn't really deserve", I think you really nailed his character there. Really fantastic. Very evocative. The brief glimpses of character are very well done, I smiled at James and Sirius's exchange over their clothes (seemed to perfectly suit both of them!), McGonagall shining Remus's badge but being too busy to really stop, the boys' sleeping, Lily waving from her boat. It's very sweet and hopeful balanced on just an edge of sadness. I'm very impressed. Beautiful job. 10/10.Author's Response: Corrected them and will post as soon as submitting is enabled again. ;) Thanks for the incredible review! It definitely made my day. "Sweet and hopeful balanced on just an edge of sadness" sums it up, I think. I just let the words flow on this one and it appeared, and I wish stories like this would pop up mostly formed more often! I was a little uncomfortable with the Marauders, because not only are they carefully outlined in canon, they're depicted as these ideal, nearly-perfect schoolboys, and I didn't think I could capture them. This started as a one shot about Remus, then grew into a small snapshot of all of them.
Thank you once again! Report Review
Hello you got me with you snowball!
I think your descriptive language is great and you pay attention to small details (i.e. James's snoring) with make the story all the more entertaining. I also chuckled at the line "James's stupi hair was up my nose" very good.Author's Response: Thank you! Sorry about that snowball. :P I don't think of description as my strong point, and tried really hard to get something worthwhile of this. Report Review
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