Reading Reviews for Second Chance
22 Reviews Found

Review #1, by siriusgirl1 Wake up.

9th January 2012:
This was an interesting take on the Harmony ship. The introduction, presumably from Hermione's unconscious point of view, is far more sentimental than I could ever see Hermione being. Perhaps that could be avoided by clarifying their relationship with specifics. What happened "that night?" Where was Ron in this picture? Because anytime you're dealing with two parts of the Trio, the 3rd member will have some sort of impact, positive or negative--as we've seen through the course of the books. That's one of the really fun things about the dynamics within a group of three.

Harry's reaction to her seemed out of character as well. We've seen him cope with astounding losses several times over the course of the series, but never once has it had this type of effect. Harry is generally deals with his grief by turning to action.

It depends on what you really want out of this story. Is it the ship, or the tone/situation that you prefer? If the characters, I'd suggest trying a different method. If the situation and tragic tone, then I'd try using a different ship, one that fits the scene a little better.


 Report Review

Review #2, by Princess Malfoy Wake up.

15th May 2011:
its so beautiful..!!

 Report Review

Review #3, by kandekisses Wake up.

4th April 2011:
Hey hun.. I'm so sorry for the long wait! I've been focusing on my story to get the next chapter out. So now that I'm waiting for validation. I have time to review again =)

Well I must say I'm not really a Harry/Hermione shipper *I'm sure your sick of hearing this lol* but this was very nicely written. I liked how there was little dialogue but lots of descriptions. That way it was easy to feel their emotions.

You can't help but feel so sad for both of them. I couldn't imagine loving someone so dearly but thinking they don't feel the same.. but yet they do! =(
I think you should always express your love before its too late in whatever situation.

You did a wonderful job with this one-shot. It was short but sweet and yet sad. But hey maybe she'll wake up? *crosses fingers*

I really enjoyed reading this! It definitely teaches a lesson.

 Report Review

Review #4, by notreallyblonde44 Wake up.

2nd March 2011:
Hey Nashira! It's been a long time coming, but it's me notreallyblonde44 and I'm doing your requested review, finally! I'm very much intrigued by the premise of a Harry/Hermione, let's see how it is!

Things I noticed:
'But when I saw the saliva wade through his throat' -she saw the saliva? Ew lol

Doctors? I think you meant Healers?

Was this a missing moment (non-DH compliant) when they had the necklace? It was hard to tell when this was happening and where Ron was or Ginny for that matter lol

Other Stuff:
POV: Good build up of the tension and what caused this to happen to Hermione (I assume the person is Hermione). I think first person really suited the opening of this one-shot and mad Hermione's emotions tangible and explained in a way that couldn't be felt or satisfied with 3 person. Good choice in perspective here.

With the shift, I enjoyed that Harry was in the 3rd person. I think it aided the transition and kept the focus on Hermione's feelings through thoughts and Harry 's feelings through action because of the way you have to describe something in 3rd person. Aka: The POV totally emphasized their personalities: Hermione as a thinker and Harry as a person of action. I think this contrast was brilliant and helped build characterization and plot flow nicely -without over-doing it.

Characterization: There isn't much to go on here since the characters don't have much dialogue or visible interaction with each other, but Hermione seemed good to me. I never felt that I had a huge grasp on her character, but I sensed her emotions and I believed her intent to help Harry was strong. Also, Harry seemed fine, although I don't think he would have smoked to be honest.

Overall, it was short, sweet and to the point. I think the movie directors envisioned Harry/Hermione and would have loved to feature something like this in the movies because of it haha. I think you did a good job with the characters and the ship. I felt the emotions and saw every visual. There was nothing awkward (minus the saliva) or forced throughout the piece and hardly any surface errors. Great job!

Best of luck in the future,

 Report Review

Review #5, by krissyanne426 Wake up.

15th February 2011:
Hello there, krissyanne426 from the forums here with your requested review!

I feel like you should know before I start, though, that Harry/Hermione isn't really my thing. The only Hermione noncannon pairings I really like are Draco and George, so this is not something I'd see and just start reading.

That being said, however, I think you've got a really great story here. It's very "hopeless" all the way through, first with Hermione and then with Harry, and I like that you stuck with that. Sometimes it's easy to kind of switch from hopeless to brokenhearted in a story like this, but I think you held it pretty well.

Your characters seemed a bit OOC to me, but that's okay since it's not reeally a cannon piece. There wasn't really a lot of room to develope them because it's a one-shot but they were good characters.

Your writing is great. Easy to read and flows really well. And although this isn't a "happy" read, it definitely was an enjoyable read.

Great job!

 Report Review

Review #6, by Mrs Roonil Waslib Wake up.

13th February 2011:
Let me first start off by saying that I'm not a Harry/Hermione fan in the slightest. Not that that's your fault, but I just want you to keep this in mind when I say: this was really good. Despite the pairing, their feelings and their thoughts are completely human. Some of the things Hermione thought are plausible and very...raw. This phrase really got to me: "This fake illusion about him ever caring about me more than as a simple friend is a lie, but a lie that I like to believe again and again, as I try to, heal with non-existent promises."

Ugh, I just loved that :) It was great. I also love how you said that Harry's feet brought him to wherever Hermione was, that it was natural. That was great!

The only thing I didn't like (besides the pairing) was the spacing. You left these huge gaps between the Hermione and Hermione portions, as well as between the Harry and A/N portions. It messed with the flow a little.

Other than that, good job! I liked it :)

 Report Review

Review #7, by EpiskeyPM Wake up.

13th February 2011:
This is really great so far, can't wait for more!!

 Report Review

Review #8, by schoenemaedchen Wake up.

29th January 2011:
Hi there, schoenemaedchen here from the boards with your review.

So I've read through your story twice and thought a lot about what I want to say. I'm actually a die hard Ron/Hermione shipper, so I had to kind of put my imagination to the side and try to imagine this as a possible solution.

As you wrote it, I thought it was very beautiful. Lots of description and lots of thoughts going here and there. I thought it provided a realistic picture into their thoughts, which really helped me to "accept" this one-shot. (As I said, had to wrap my mind around it first).

It's pure description--a technique that is extremely difficult to write. As a reader, it's not my favorite kind of reading, so please don't take it to heart when I say that the flow was slow. There is something to be appreciated by this type of writing as well.

I did really enjoy the end. I wish there had been a bit more of a transition between Hermiones/Harry's thoughts, but it's okay. The ending made up for it, in my mind. I don't really see Harry as a smoker, sorry, seemed very OOC character for me. However, that being said, how you used it in your descriptions was a nice technique.

This is probably the strangest review I've ever left, and for that I somewhat apologize. It's not that I've never read Harry/Hermione, this was just a different direction for me. I did enjoy it, though. It was beautiful.

Thanks for the request.

Author's Response: Hello!

Don't worry :) I totally understand, I'm also a Ron/Hermione shipper, but meh it was kind of a request so... yeah :)

About Harry, I don't know why, but I've always pictured him smoking lol, but I admit that it can seem very OOC :)

I'm glad you liked it, somehow :) and it was just an experiment :P

Thanks for reviewing!


 Report Review

Review #9, by Roonyskatoony Wake up.

26th January 2011:
That was so sad :(

I think it was interesting to see a different type of Harry, more battle scarred perhaps. I think that Hermione was well portrayed as in the books it's easy to see that she cares for both of them (perhaps not romantically but deeply nonetheless).

I really do think however that it would benefit from being longer with an exact description of what happened and why she ended up in St Mungos, I think maybe in third person or as Hermione but so that it feels detached (if that makes any sense) then you could describe his reactions without delving into his perspective straight away because at the moment there isn't very much detail into anything other than what they're feeling.

So a bit of action and it'll come soaring up from a 9/10 to a 12/10 :P Just because, as the saying goes, sometimes actions can speak louder than words ;P

Hope that helped. I did enjoy it!

Author's Response: Hey!

Thank you so much for your review! I see your point and maybe I'll change that someday x) as it means writing about them again, which is something I'm not really looking forward, and I'll have in mind your suggestion!

Again, thanks for reviewing!


 Report Review

Review #10, by Toujours Padfoot Wake up.

26th January 2011:
This was very sad. I really liked it, but I wish it would have been longer. Maybe that's a good thing? :)

I think that to give your story a little more meat, the only thing I would suggest is inserting a flashback between Hermione's perspective and Harry's perspective - in italics, and something touching. It could be some point in their past when they came very close to telling each other how they felt, or an argument and the pain in his eyes when Harry saw Hermione with Ron, or any sort of interaction between Harry and Hermione that would strike home with the reader that Harry and Hermione should have been together, and were meant for each other. Something to really tear our hearts out.

It's just my opinion, but I think it would make it flow much smoother, and help transition into Harry's POV with a poignant tone. Overall, however, I did like this piece. Harry/Hermione ships are always difficult because the reader knows Hermione actually ends up with Ron, so if you can convince us otherwise, then you've succeeded in your writing. I read this and I remembered the dancing scene in the tent from Deathly Hallows, and for a second I can see through a very slim window a future where Harry and Hermione exist as a couple.


Author's Response: Hello!

Thank you so much for reviewing! I'm glad you liked it!

I think that maybe you're right, (Or most definitely are) but adding that would mean I have to write again this ship x) lol and let me tell you I'm not a big fan of them.

So... ^^ I think it'll stay like that for a while and maybe I'll edit it someday :)

Thank for reviewing and the wonderful suggestion :)


 Report Review

Review #11, by WhatAboutRegulus Wake up.

25th January 2011:
Hello! That was really good, got a few mistakes though :D But it's all good! Here they are

"The problem was looking his green eyes" - I think you meant starring instead of looking :)

"I didn't dare even to think what" this sentence was worded a little awkwardly maybe something like (I didn't even dare think of what) ya know?

Knowing that somehow I help him to have a more stable life and with more sense forces a smile to appear on my face every morning- the tense was all messed up here hahah. Try (Knowing that somehow I helped him have a more stable life with more sense foreces a smile on my face every morning..)

I thought that was an amazing story, I'm not in on the whole Hermione/Harry thing but I thought your's was very good!

You seemed to drag on sentences with comma's to much, maybe try and cut them off makes the flow better! Your description was captivating :) A little much somewhere but very good none the less!

Overall a very good read! Good Job!

Feel free to request me anytime!


Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! I do hope you liked it :)

I'm waiting the chapter to be validated again, it has been beta-ed and I hope it's better like that.

Again, thank you so much for reviewing! :)


 Report Review

Review #12, by TenthWeasley Wake up.

25th January 2011:
Hello! This is TenthWeasleyWriter from the forums, with your requested review.


I don't know how you knew, but somehow you must have known - stories with sad endings move me SO much more than stories with happy ones. There is something so much more poetic, and touching, to a story that doesn't always end in fairy tales and happy-ever-afters. You have captured this beautifully, and this is one of the most poignant and moving stories I've ever had the privilege to read on his site. =)

I LOVED the ending, as well - I suspect most people would have had Hermione defy the odds and wake up, and Harry would have right then and there knelt by her bedside and confessed his undying love for her. But the way you ended it - it made my heart twinge, not knowing what the final page is in the lives of Harry and Hermione as you have written them.

I also thought it was very good how you didn't use a whole lot of dialogue, or even names, in this story. It made it that much more intense, and vivid, and made me want to keep reading it.

I looked and looked, but I could find not one thing wrong with this story - no spelling, no grammar, no punctuation, no capitalization. I have no critiques, and I almost wish I did - not so I could feel mighty and smug, but so I wouldn't feel like a wishy-washy reviewer. =) I loved this story very much, and am honored to have been asked to review it! Never stop writing, because you truly have a marvelous talent.

Author's Response: Hai!

Thank you so much for your lovely review! You've really made my day! I am very glad that you liked it so much!

I'm not planning on stop writing! Especially when I got so many awesome reviews! Thanks again :)


 Report Review

Review #13, by maskedmuggle Wake up.

25th January 2011:
Here for my quite late review. I'm so sorry. And after reading this, I have no idea why I didn't start earlier.

Wow. Wow. Wow. This was amazing. Is this your first story? It is amazing, really. Honestly, I can't say that enough. Definitely a fantastic one-shot. You have so much potential to become a truly talented writer.

I don't read Harry/Hermione at all, simply because I don't have time for non-canon ships, I just read Next-Gen in my limited spare time… Anyway, this was definitely brilliant. The things I don't like about non-canon ships are how unrealistic they are. I actually think that Harry and Hermione could work. And the way you wrote it, when you showed their feelings, also made my thoughts stronger.

So I loved how you expressed both Hermione and Harry's thoughts. That really added emotional depth into it. With the feelings as well, it really developed a sad atmosphere, it was really moving to see them both sounding so heartbroken.

I loved the ending. And I love, love, LOVE how Hermione didn't wake up. That's something that makes this piece so unique. As soon as Harry said the first 'wake up' I was hoping she wouldn't wake up. I just thought that a happy ending would have totally thrown off your piece, so I'm so glad you kept it this way. It leaves me wondering and thinking… and that's a good thing.

The one criticism I would say is that some of your sentences sound a bit awkward. Well, you have some grammar problems, a few tense problems, one or two typos, and just words that didn't make the sentences flow as well. If you got a beta to read through this, I could definitely see this skyrocketing to a lot more favourites, because I already think it is wonderful, it just needs for you to make it perfection.

Oh, and a tiny second thing - I just can't see Harry smoking cigarettes. It seems a bit OOC. But I suppose it would be hard for you to change that now, since it's tied in your descriptions... but maybe something to think about? Or I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on why Harry would be smoking cigarettes.. :P

I loved this. Absolutely beautiful. The whole thing was just amazing. The way you wrote it was great. You really conveyed the thoughts, feelings and emotions across in such a lovely way. I could just imagine both of them thinking this, and Harry saying wake up, so desperately. Great work :)

-maskedmuggle / Charlotte :)

Author's Response: Hello!
Thank you so much for reviewing and commenting in my MTA :I I'm so, so happy with this too! And no, it's not my first story, but it is the first I write in this style and one of the few I have translated to English.

As for grammar, well I'll just copy and paste what I've just answered to the comment bellow yours: I'm mexican, blah, blah, need to improve, more blah, story has been beta-ed and I'm waiting for it to be validated :D and blah LOL

Harry smoking... Okay, I see your point, I can never imagine lovely, sweet Harry with a cigarette in his hand BUT I can see a warrior tired of fighting, a man with a broken heart hoping that the love of his life will wake up from a coma and knowing that she will not. I guess it's just Post-Hogwarts and I've always imagined Harry with that kind of addiction, even if he just smokes when he really feels stressed. IDK x)

Thank you again! I'm so happy you reviewed! Lol thanks!


 Report Review

Review #14, by Jackson Robles Wake up.

24th January 2011:
All right! I'm here, what's up? See, I'm actually pretty proud of how soon I managed to walk over here from the forums. You wouldn't believe the amount of distractions one finds from your link to here! :O Anyways... I've read this about two and a half times (best not to ask about the half ;D)

The first time I read this fic, I realized that I really didn't notice the POV change from her to him all that much at all, which is surprising, considering the powerful emotions that wrack the entirety of Hermione's internal monologue. And I know 'wrack' has an odd sort of negative connotation, but we're going with it.

While lying in bed before getting up for class this morning, I was thinking about a lost love of mine (this pertains, just wait for it) and how there are some things I could say to her. I could say that what I MEANT by what I said was that she was more important to me than all that. I was telling her how I felt about her. And then I thought about how that might sound if I wrote it into a story. That translated into: a character in a story telling another character how they were suddenly going to change their life. And then that translated into an internal monologue. And then I thought about how poor of writing that would be. We're telling a reader exactly what they should be thinking. "Oh, from now on they're going to act like THIS because of THIS." When, if we've done our job, they should surmise that information from the story as it plays out.

Now! To link my review of your story and that story I just told. I feel like this story HAS to indicate in certain places how we should feel. Because you're breaking canon - Hermione never had these thoughts in the books, and because your right angling our thoughts (turning them from the path they should be on), you need a bright and glamorous statement to change our point of views. Thusly, you are given a bit of leeway in your sentences and the statements you make with them.

BUT! I've GOT to call out the absurd statement made when Hermione thinks "No matter how hard I tried, I never managed to ignore it and I knew that, sooner or later, I would end up falling in love with him, even if it was not something I wished." I mean... think about saying that to someone you loved in real life. I love quite a lot of her thought processes, but I have to tell you I cringed a bit when I read this. (Not to mention it's a realy long sentence when read aloud)

Though I feel like we need some sort of sentence like that. As though we NEED to be broken free of the ties to Ron that Hermione has, and this suffices that purpose actually rather well, if it isn't a bit over the top. :)

Time to move on though, as I feel I'm getting long winded again. The story has very viscous language, like wading through a pool of syrup to read, which isn't a critical statement, really. Joseph Conrad wrote in this style, saying every word he could think of and then some to convey the setting and feeling and taste of the story, almost like we can't help but be there and experience what the characters are experiencing - and this story has the same taste to it. Intermittent melodramatic statements aside, your language is sufficiently poetic and if the final paragraph isn't testament enough, then Hermione's last is as well.

Which reminds me, I feel like Hermione is genuinely OOC in this story. That is to say, as though she is meant to be a little different and not that it's a flaw. Her obsession with Harry is so very real and slightly disturbing that our lovable Hermy from the books seems left behind. It's like the life these two have led (the life we don't know about) has turned her mind loose and unhinged her slightly. Like the war didn't end in May of that year and that they've seen so much.

Which is another wonderful aspect of this story. There is truly so much that could happen - it's like a frayed rug, on with all it's threads tied together in small bunches. We could spend hours speculating on all that might have happened, what is happening and what might happen - all the wonderful things a really powerful story needs. One that sticks with you, you know? :)

Long story short, I'm an H/Hr shipper on the inside (Harry/Pansy too, but that's not important) - and I like this. I felt this was less about the ship and more about the individual characters as well. I mean, Hermione's mind state alone is a maelstrom. And I like that. I like this. Thanks for requesting Nashira. :)

Author's Response: SO! I had to read your review twice lol, seriously I think I was too sleepy the first time I read it, because I didn't understand a word and I thought it was a mean review lol and the second time it made a lot of sense x)

First of all, thank you for reviewing! I was so happy with it that my cheeks didn't stopped hurting for like an hour or so... just kidding, but it did make me happy.

I never thought about Hermione being OOC! But your reasons are valid enough, lol. So I guess she is, but I guess I'm talking about a Hermione that has seen too much, that is tired of fighting and that just wants a normal life. A Hermione that has also been hiding her love for her best friend for so long. Besides JKR never truly got us inside her mind ;) lol

As for grammar, I'm mexican, blah, blah, need to improve, more blah, story has been beta-ed and I'm waiting for it to be validated :D and blah

Anyway, I think that will be it, again thank you so much for reviewing!

 Report Review

Review #15, by mizzxpearl Wake up.

22nd January 2011:
Hi there! Mizzxpearl here from the forums to review! :)

Okay, first off congratulations! I really NEVER read Harry/Hermione (after OotP , I embraced the fact that she was meant to be with Ron and suported them, hehe) but I did enjoy this. :) Why you ask? Because you kept them both in character! It wasn't even AU too much; you took the the relationship that they already shared and built your story off of that. Totally realistic. :D Bravo!

As for grammer, you have some run-offs, but nothing totally drastic. I say one good look from a beta can cure it. :) Also, the summary underneath your banner is cutt off. I understand it's a quote from the story, but just give it a look! After all, the summary decides whether or not someone clicks into the story, right?

All and all, I liked this a lot. You have a beautiful writing style. I also loved the POV switch. You didn't have to label the switch, yet it was obvious enough that I was able pick up on it right away. Good job there. :)

Keep writing! You're doing great! :D

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! I hadn't noticed the summary thing! :O thanks for pointing that out!

I'm glad you liked it, it is already being beta-ed and I hope that as soon as it's done it will be better :)


 Report Review

Review #16, by LadyMalfoy23 Wake up.

21st January 2011:
LadyMalfoy23 here with the review you requested! :)

Harry/Hermione ships aren't often my favorite, but this is one of the rare ones that tugged at my heart. You executed brilliant work of description, some times you may have been overly descriptive, but it doesn't diminish anything to the story.
As far as grammar goes, i think i noticed a few run on sentences and some places where commas could be added, but im no good at grammar so sorry there!! :/ lol
What i am good at though is characterization and plot flow, which you handled very well. The sense that Hermione loves Harry from what you wrote is what is very well shown from the books and movies. It seems like all you did was take their friendship love from the books and tweak it just enough to seem like a love of romance. Harry too seems very believable i could see him faithfully sitting by the love of his life waiting. Always waiting. The plot flowed fantastic, from the beginning you might think it is going to be a cliche ending and have her and Harry instantly fall in love, but the ending came as a shock to me when that was not the case. This is very good though, i enjoy stories with sad endings,(not to sound morbid) they add depth into the story. And yours very well did so. This was all in all one fantastic read for me!! :)

Author's Response: Thank you very much!

As I've said, many times now, lol is that H/Hr is not my favourite pairing either, in fact I hate it, so I think we all agree with that ^^

Anyway, thank you for your fantastic review and taking your time for reading my story. Thanks again!


 Report Review

Review #17, by LovelyMioneWeasley Wake up.

20th January 2011:
Hello there--LMW from the forums to pop over with your review. Below is the one real grammar issue I caught.

The problem was looking his green eyes, staring at me with so much affection; to hear his words that promised that he loved me, even if it wasn't the way I wanted him to.-- "was looking into his green eyes" perhaps? (First paragraph).

I would like to start out with commenting on your lovely banner; it was a very well done banner and chapter image set. It seems that visual aids tend to help the readers so it was good to see it ^_^

I am also hesitant about H/Hr because it seems that people like to a) Ron bash or b) give them an unrealistic ending. You did neither so--CONGRATS! It was a huge relief to read that and be so assured. I just tend to think that angsty, dramatic H/Hr always end up working better because its possible they could fall in love but not probable to me.

I really enjoyed your imagery; you are talented in the sensory aspect of writing. You play best with images and inducing the reader to get a mood or feeling based upon what you write. Its a really good talent to have. That being said, at times, I think you almost pushed the envelope on how much imagery you used. It didn't quite cross the line but for future writing, maybe you could reign it in a bit and let some powerful images stand alone. Just a reccomendation.

Your Hermione and Harry were both in character. That was a major relief and well done. Hermione's thoughts were more complicated than Harry's as it seemed. You varied your sentence structure between the two POVs which was a clever addition to enhance your story.

I would, however, perhaps look at getting a beta to check some of your setences. Your comma usage was quite often and I know you could have used a semi-colon in several places. Overall, it was well-done on the grammar front but maybe check how wordy you get--that can bring down the quality of your images if the reader catches on too many words in a sentence.

Your style and mood were very clear and very well done so kudos on that. You paced through the story well and the flow continued well through the one-shot. Another tip I'd give is to maybe re-enter the chapter using the simple editor and you'll eliminate some of the nasty space you have going on. Just a thought, though ;).

Overall, it was a sad but pleasant (in the sense of well-written) one-shot to read. The fact that it is not canon, however, may cut down on your reviews so continue to ask for some and maybe the advertising will get the review count up because this is a one-shot worthy of more than five (going on six) reviews. Hope this was helpful.

8/10 Lindsey

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review, I am really grateful for your opinion, it was extremely helpful.

I've just gotten a beta reader and I'm waiting for her to send me back the chapter, so this should be better than it is now.

Again, thanks a lot!

Oh! And btw, I'm not a fan of this ship either, so... it was kind of difficult for me to write that too!


 Report Review

Review #18, by ravenclaw_princess Wake up.

19th January 2011:
Hello. I am reviewing as requested, and firstly I will say thank you for asking me to review this at it was an amazing piece of writing.

Generally, the story read and flowed really well and you have woven together some really beautiful sentences. There were a few issues of grammer/spelling and tenses

I stop caring a long time ago: I stopped caring a long time ago
sitting on the chair that laid next to her bed: sitting on the chair that lay next to her bed
that passed by at this early hours in the morning: that passed by at this early hour of the morning

If you request a beta reader, they will be able to fix these things up really quickly.

Apart from those small errors, everything else was really good. There were some really well constructed sentences, like this one "like a ghost's wail that begs for mercy and a better life that they condemned themselves" and this one "feeling thick drops of rain pouring down his face, as if they invited him to cry along with the sky, but he refused the invitation..." They are really stunning and full of imagery.

The story was really nicely constructed, flowing seemlessly from Hermione's feelings to what it led her to do, followed by Harry in the aftermath. The ending was very poignant and I really felt all of Harry's heart ache. Through out the sotry it was very easy to feel exactly what the character was feeling.

In conclusion, this is a beutiful and highly emotive piece of writing and you should be very proud of yourself.

Author's Response: OMG! Thank you so so much for your awesome review. I know that I have some issues with grammar and spelling, English is not my first language, I've asked for a beta reader, but haven't found one.

I'm so happy with you review that I squealed really loud and my parents thought that I was crazy u.u anyway, thank you so much for such a wonderful review!


 Report Review

Review #19, by inspiredl Wake up.

14th January 2011:
Heyy, it's InspiredL from the forums with your review! :)

Firstly I really like your writing style and there were certain sections where the word choices were incredibly emotive (my fave bit from the whole thing is the second paragraph! I think it's really well done.) It all flows well and was easy to read.

The plot is simple but sweet and very enjoyable to read, I didn't guess who the girl in it was until the last section (didn't look at the ships info :/) which I liked :)

The only criticism is that now and then things are phrased slightly strangely and there are a few grammar/spelling/tense hiccups. The most noticeable ones to me are listed below:
I simple turned - I simply turned
I know this is consuming me slowly in the inside - I know that this is consuming me slowly from the inside
doubt that had become essential - had should be has
Is almost sickening - It's almost sickening
There were a few more that I didn't think were that bad or didn't notice so I think this story would really benefit from a beta who could quickly go over it and correct these minor faults.

The characterisation seems good though obviously as it's a one-shot you can't delve that deeply into all the characters feelings and thought like you would in a novel/la.

I have just seen that this is your first story on the site so well done! This is a really good piece and you should definitely keep writing as with a bit of practice you could easily create a really powerful narrative!

Hope this was helpful,
Lily ^_^

Author's Response: Hai!!

Thank you so much for reviewing! And yeah, I knew that there had to be typos and grammar stuff there, English is not my natal language, but I'm trying to improve all that things. I'll ask this to be beta-ed right away!

And thank you very much! I'm glad you liked it, it was definitely helpful!


 Report Review

Review #20, by ev Wake up.

12th January 2011:
good story so far :D

Author's Response: Thanks! It's actually a one-shot so it won't be continued and all ^^ but thank you!

 Report Review

Review #21, by princessrapunzel Wake up.

12th January 2011:
Oh, this is just wonderful - heartbreakingly sad, but nonetheless, still wonderful.

I love this line, it's so well phrased; 'In a risky move, Harry kissed her lips softly, thinking that it might wake her up, but he wasn't lucky.' How very Prince Charming of him.

I'm a terrible reviewer, and this is actually my first review here, so I'll just be short :)

10/10, definitely, and favouriting. Of course.

Allie x.

Author's Response: Hello!

Thank you for the lovely review, I'm glad you liked it! It makes me feel so good! I was beginning to feel sad seeing all those reads and no comments!

What I like the most about your comment is the quote, I've never been quoted before, so it's really nice! x) Seriously. I feel honoured to be your first review!

Thanks again for passing by! Maybe you could read my soon to be up fiction, which will be a Dominique/OC!


 Report Review

Review #22, by charlieee Wake up.

11th January 2011:
wow. i really, really like this. you've done a wonderful job. :D
i've always been a little hesitant about harry/hermione because i'm so used to hermione/ron, but the way that you wrote out their relationship, how it was almost parasitic (or at least seemed that way to me) was really amazing, especially throughout the second and fourth paragraphs. you don't examine their relationship before she took the blow of the curse for him, and that makes it even more interesting i think because it's open for interpretation, how much they shared between each other even then. does that make sense? i don't know. you've left me a little incoherent to be honest :p really, really great job. 10/10 :')

Author's Response: Hi!

Well, I've got to say, you've made my day! You made me smile so hard that my face won't be the same ever again. No, seriously, thank you so much for the lovely review!

I have the same thoughts about Harry/Hermione, I much rather canon, I'm actually quite happy with JKR's result! Anyway, this was a birthday gift for a friend of mine and she's a H/Hr fan girl so I wanted to make her happy and all, though I am not a fan of this ship, hence why Hermione is in a coma e.e

Anyway! Thank you so much for reviewing, I'm really glad you liked it! I'm about to publish a Dominic/OC fic, so maybe you could go there and see if you like what I'll write?


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login