Hey xxpetrapan! Notreallyblonde44 here! Thank you for doing my challenge, as I said, I'm really excited and here to review :) Already I can tell this is going to be super creative because of the title...since I have no clue about Bulgaria and what Krushuna means. (Hahaha Harley's review!)
'It was a beautiful sight and even more beautiful creatures inhabited it.' -It tells the reader, but I would like to have seen more. Like I said I'm clueless about this region and what it looks and feels and smells like so the more description the better for me as a reader, who then can imagine everything better, including the Veelas. With how beautiful they are I would think the description would be overflowing on the pages. Saying what color hair they have distinguishes them nicely, but maybe the main Veelas (since there is so many of them) could get special treatment in terms of description?
Where are they sitting or standing? What are they doing besides lounging? Gathering food or no food? Waiting for men and others to destroy?
Interesting depiction of Veelas and being Nymph-like. It reminded me of Greek/Roman mythology, which I love, but it's tied in with Bulgarian myth and Rowling's world nicely. You have definitely done your research and taken your time with this one-shot, which is always awesome!
'He wanted to get closer but he could not move.' -because of Mascha? It's somewhat unclear/maybe I am dense haha. Otherwise, I love how clueless he is. I can only imagine being in his shoes and seeing a bunch of Veelas running around, of course he would be doomed haha. So appropriate ending!
'A laugh that sounded like gravel erupted in the sky from Svetlana.' Here is that good descriptions, word choice (gravel) is perfect!
'Stefan let out a yelp, as Kalina walked up to the animals' -from this sentence (and a few others) it sounds like he already knows all of their names…Also, why did the gods (what gods?) intervene? I was enjoying the fight lol.
Mascha's attitude is appropriate because of the way you set up the scenario and her disregard for "lesser beings" like muggles. I felt like her and Stefan's reactions were very realistic, which is great. I thought her tears at the end were nice, but I wasn't sure how sincere they were because she really didn't seem to care at all about her sisters.
'The cave housed there pet,' -their. I want to know more about this unknown pet. It seems really interesting, but I know nothing about it.
Overall, great one-shot. Your research shows and I was super creeped out be these Veelas, which is awesome. You've made them multi-dimensional and that means a lot considering all we see in HP is Fleur running around. So kudos there! Besides the description and the questions I pointed out above, I like the sinister-ness and mystery about the Veelas. Your writing flowed well and you definitely told an interesting story. These creatures and your depiction will probably be on my mind for awhile because of the originality/creativity of the story.
Thanks again for entering, hope this wasn't too critical... :)
nrbAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review and I am glad you were critical! I know I need to describe things more and I will repost sometime later, haha! I just wanted to get it up by the deadline haha!
-Kattia Report Review
Heeey! I saw Krushuna in your description and since I'm partly (mostly) Bulgarian, I knew I had to check it out. :)
First - I've got to congratulate you on choosing the Krushuna falls for a location - it's one of the most picturesque parts of my country. And you mostly chose very well the Bulgarian names (though some of them sounded Russian, for example Vladmira is Vladimira in bg, but that's minor, just mentioning).
I also like how you explored the sinister part of the veelas for the story. Since they are based on the Bulgarian's samodivi, which are known to ensnare travellers and kill them, you weaved it excellently into the plot!
Overall, a well-done one-shot! I wish you first place on the challenge! (but yet again, I am a bit biased about the Bulgarian thing :D)
Harley from the forumsAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I did my research haha! Report Review
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