Reading Reviews for Dumbledore's Daughter
  
5 Reviews Found

Review #1, by hermiones not so evil twin Teddy, Fawkes, and The Order of the Pheonix

8th March 2011:
Luurrvvvee it!! Keep posting!

Author's Response: EEEK! You don't know how much you just made my day! My computer got a virus so i'm trying to type my story out while a little window keeps bugging me that says -your computer is infected- so that fact combined with I'm trying to make the chapters longer will take some time.

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Review #2, by peace2lovepotter Mornings, Dotty, Lily and Rose, and Honey

26th February 2011:
Like but im not sure about McGonogall and Dumbledore dosent seem right

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I kinna figured since McGonogall would go to any lengths to defend Dumbledore that there had to be a kind of romance going on.

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Review #3, by Tasfia weasly ( I luv Harry potter ) Teddy, Fawkes, and The Order of the Pheonix

14th January 2011:
Wow this is pretty good you know!? So are you gonna tell us what year lily and rose are in?

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review! Soon very soon on what year Lily and Rose are in.

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Review #4, by Storm Mornings, Dotty, Lily and Rose, and Honey

23rd December 2010:
This is a really good idea. I can't wait to see where this story goes.

love
S

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Chapter 2 will give a hint about where the plot is going.

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Review #5, by *santa claus <3 Mornings, Dotty, Lily and Rose, and Honey

22nd December 2010:
Hello there :) I'm giving reviews to lonely stories for Christmas! :D And because I'm bored xD So what attracted me to your story is that I used to play "Hogwarts" with my bestie when I was ten and your character sounds a lot like hers when we played.

Okay, I honestly have no idea if you're trying to make this AU :/ because the numbers just don't add up sweety :( First of all Minerva McGonagall was born on October 4th 1925. Albus Dumbledore on the other hand was born in the summer of 1881. That's a 44 year difference. If you get over that though there's also The fact that Dumbledore died in 1996. While Lily is born in 2007-2008 and Rose is born in 2006. That's a ten to twelve year difference on the possible times Melody Ariana Dumbledore could of been born. Also the fact that you're making the girls share a dorm when they're obviously different ages is very confusing. To make the numbers even more confusing is that women have a certain amount of time in their lives of when they can have children. And 70 years old isn't in it. Even if we count the witch factor I'm still saying that you're pushing it.

Also her achievement ages don't add up. Legimens is an extremely hard magic to learn. Most grown wizards will never be able to accomplish it in their lives. The known legimens in the HP books are all extremly powerful wizards. Voldemort, Dumbledore and Snape. And even they only learned it later in their lives. Also about learning the Patronus charm at the age of seven, well it's sort of impossible. To perform the Patronus charm the person must have a wand and no one gets their wands until their eleven. So maybe she could have mastered it when she was 14? It's just a more plausible number :)

I suggest maybe you change the time it's set in and just change Lily and Rose's names? Maybe make her only Minerva's child? It might help but if by all mean's you love your story just the way it is, just list it as an AU maybe?

Also as for the living situation, I'm pretty sure that Dumbledore and Minerva each have a home :) Living at Hogwarts is highly unlikely since Neville returns to the Leaky Cauldron each summer even though he's a teacher but she can still have lived in a very magical place! :D Just one that you could create which would make it all the more fun. :)

"I groaned and grabbed for the elder wand" If you're doing this story while Dumbledore is alive then wouldn't he have the elder wand? And if you're doing it while he died, well wouldn't the elder wand be back in Dumbledore's grave? Where Harry put it.

Also about your main character. She's great and funny but all her accomplishments not only make her seem a little like a mary sue but also it doesn't match her personality. Not only do we get the feeling that Melody is energetic and fun but that school just might not be her thing and unless she studied very hard she wouldn't be able to do all these things. Not only to add on that she's a metamorphigus too. She just seems too perfect and while that maybe fun to write it's not very fun to read because in the end as soon as I read your summary I was asking myself. "Could this girl really exist?" and the answer is no. So maybe you can have her excel at a certain subject? Charms perhaps? And have her be a metamorphgus since that seems to go quite well with her personality. :D

Now onwards :) I have this little rule, to never use CAPS. A simple exclamation mark or italics will get your point across just fine :D So instead of writing "MEL! WAKE UP," you world write "Mell! Wake up!" It will come across as more well done (professional) and a little less exhausting for the eyes.

Also your tense keeps changing a lot during the story. In the first paragraph you start it off in present tense and then you switch to past tense. I know this is a tricky little problem and I'm still having trouble with it but there is some really helpful information at the forums. I highly recommend you go read them :D I have and they're really helpful. Trust me, nobody starts out perfect but with a little help we can all achieve it :)
( hpfanfictionforums = google )

You have minor spelling mistakes which is a very good thing :) You have a lot of talent as a writer you just need a little help with the minor details, honey :) so maybe you can go over to the forums and find yourself a beta. I'm sure you guys could do wondrous things with this story :) It sounds like it has a lot of potential.

You also have good flow which is important. You didn't make the scene too long or too short. You just made it as long as it had to be. Though on average chapters tend to be 1000 to 2000 words long. Don't try to drag something out because it doesn't reach that number or make it shorter because it excels it. And you do just that sweetheart so congrats! :)

Another thing, I think your story can be quite humorous. It made me laugh a couple of times and I like stories like that. So I applaud you. Not many have that skill. So that's great!

Now I have no clue what your plot is and we don't get much of a glimpse in the first chapter. Maybe you could edit it so we get a stronger idea where this is going to go?

Anyway. I'm done. I swear :D So I hope this review didn't come across as harsh :| that's the last thing I want. I reviewed because I truly think that your story has potential and could have a lot of interesting twists depending on where you go with it so I just wanted to help you out. I'm guessing this is going to be your first review with a lot of constructive criticism in it. I knew mine was hard to take but remember I only pointed things out in detail so I could help you :) There are plenty of good things and just because I didn't go in detail it doesn't mean that there are not there. So keep it up :) And merry christmas. I hope that it may be filled with joy and love and ... writing of course :)

- santa claus

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the very long review! I know lots of things don't make sense right now but they will be explained later on in the story. I fixed some of the things you said but some of the key things such as Lily and Rose's names are going to stay the same. In the Order of The
Pheonix Umbridge was talking about the sleeping arrangments for the new Divination teacher so I think that the teachers do stay at Hogwarts just like their students do.


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