Reading Reviews for Purity
  
17 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Cirque Du Freak Interrogation

7th May 2012:
Hello again!
Sorry its taken me so long to come back.

I'll start with the critique again!

"almost silent night[,] echoing through" -- comma not needed.
"nothing more [then] to see" -- than. (this you need to change a lot throughout the chapter especially towards the end)

"probably [over reacting]" -- need to close the gap so it's overreacting.

"fear was still there[,] still present" -- comma not needed.

"the cold cell [bar] keeping me away from the rest of society." -- this sentence feels a bit awkward and unfinished. I think it would sound better if you added "cell bars that were keeping me away..."

"filthy [mudblood]." -- capitalise Mudblood.
"scream again but this time" -- add comma between 'again' and 'but' as this adds and changes the sentence before.

"crashed into the rocks [below]," -- the repitition of this word sounds awkward so you can remove it and it would sound fine.

"a loud bang [out side]" -- close gap so it's 'outside'.
"a thin [vapor] of smoke" -- Britpick, vapour.
"stepped forward[,] placing both" -- comma unneeded, so remove and add 'and' instead.

"talking it out got you killed?" -- this is really awkwardly phrased and I'm not sure I know what you're trying to say here so you need to clarify this a bit.

"holding each [others] hands" -- apostrophe on other's.
"to make [her self] at home" -- close the gap on herself.
"She [signaled] him" -- Britpick, signalled.


Other things I wanted to comment on:

"I killed her!" -- I understand completely why your character would think that she killed the woman, but also think of all the other people that were there before she went up - all the screaming beforehand as they struggle to prove they're magical. Doesn't that mean that because she didn't go and help them as well that she killed them? So what about those people as well?

I just wanted to point that out, because that's what it seemed like to me, but its nothing you need to worry about if you don't feel like its a big deal. :)

"and smiled at me before walking away" -- here I think you need to add a description to his smile, because I feel like there isn't the right imagery to show his heartlessness. E.g. ' smiled at me maliciously...' something like that.

"Care or Lisa..." -- here I think you need to make a reference to who these people are, especially to the first because the nickname is unusual.

"father messes everything up" -- I feel like you need to add that the mother is joking as it seems like a harsh thing to say.

"Come on Mikie" -- this is an odd nickname to have and especially the spelling. Normally we would refer to a person called Michael as their full name or Mike and just add a 'y' at the end if we were teasing. This is more of a Britpick thing.


Now for the content:

I really, really enjoyed this chapter! It gave us a lot more insight to the Caroline and how she thinks, what's happening to her now and making us wonder what's going to happen to her next. You've done really well with the mystery part here because there are so many questions to ask and so little answers, but they are slowly coming out and you're allowing the reader to make the right conclusion without outright telling us so - I appreciate that!

So obviously we've made the connection with Messer, Michael and Caroline now, which means that Caroline and Michael are connected very closely considering the 'new evidence' from last chapter.

I really like Umbridge's characterization here again, because I feel you've got her behaviour done exactly! I hate her so much, haha.

Also the question of why Umbridge is there in the first place and what she wants with Michael arises to. I particularly like the fact that you've taken care with Thicknesse and Michael not knowing he's under the Imperius Curse as it may not be public knowledge at this moment (or at all, really...) and that was a really important detail you hit on perfectly!

So far its been such a pleasure to read and I can't wait to see what comes next!

Feel free to re-request when your next chapter is out, even though you've gotten me so interested that I'll probably sneak on to read it anyway. :P

Cirque. x

Author's Response: Hello! Dont worry about it, Ive taken twice as long just to respond =)

Thank you for helping me with the grammar and word usage Im trying my best to learn from my mistakes and you pointing it out really, really helps me! So thank you for that!

About the, killed her, bit you pointed out. Im not sure where all the other screaming occurred; aside from the woman she heard screaming outside of the Ministry because of what we assumed to be a werewolf attack. The only person that died was The Red Headed Woman. Ill re-read to double check, but Im pretty sure no one else was.

Also she (red headed woman) was the only one to die because she resisted, all the other Muggle borns were either sent to Azkaban or sent to live in the Muggle community, at least thats what happened in the books.

I really enjoyed making this chapter as well, mostly because J.K. gave us a little information on Azkaban so I had a lot of free reign with it, as well as making it dramatic and mysterious/suspenseful, because like you said you dont know whats going to happen to her. You want her to be okay in the end but at the same time you get the sense that all hope is lost and she might be going down the same road as Dean Thomas did in the books. Im also glad you appreciated that I dont give away too much, because honestly when I read the book and the author does it, it makes me upset because I like the process of wondering whats going to happen; Its fun to me.

Yes the three are going to have to become closer in order to sell that they really are a family. It shouldnt be hard for Michael and Caroline because obviously they were close to begin with if he risked being sent to Azkaban for her. However Messer may or may not be a different story.

Who doesnt hate Umbridge? She is a vile woman who disserved what ever the Centaurs did to her! And thank you I was worried about her in this chapter because the one before allowed me to look in the book to pick up a few things, this one didnt. So, truth be told, I thought of what she was like in the books and for some reason made the connection between her and president Snow from The Hunger Games, which helped me a lot.

Umbridge basically went there to shake them up, basically saying, We know where you live, Nothing shakes a person up more than having their enemy, one who could throw you in the most horrendous jail in history, in your home. I would certainly be on my toes and freak out a bit. Also she believes that Michael is the weakest link, being a kid and all so she took him away from his family. His comfort zone a bit.

Im glad I hit the Thicknesse and Michael interaction well, I think that the witches/wizards who dont have families in the Ministry would find out about Thicknesse last, whether someone tells them or they figure it out themselves.

Thank you Im so glad you liked the story so far and I will defiantly re-request again if I dont see another review from you.

Hahaha Im glad I got you interested!

-Morgan


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Review #2, by Cirque Du Freak Sentence

27th April 2012:
Hullo! Its HopelessRomanticx from the Forums with your review!

I'm going to start with some critique to do with grammar/typos and the like, some are just suggestions (like the Britpicking) and others are some you might want to consider. :)


"I close my eyes[,] [marveling]" -- the comma is not needed in this sentence. Britpick, "marvelling".

"because it [wont] be okay" -- missing the apostrophe in "won't".

"hope left when he did. [and] if it doesn't..." -- you have a few sentences before the continuation of speech so you need to capitalise "and".

"go to [muggle] school" -- capitalise "Muggle".

"act like I don't know [whats] going on" -- missing apostrophe in "what's".

"Well that's a lie[,] I knew" -- I'd add another comma between "well" and "that's".

"going to happen...[i] just didn't" -- you need to add a space after your ellipsis (this goes for every sentence that has ellipsis in it) and capitalise "I".

"the hairs on my [my] arms" -- an added "my" you need to remove.

"matter what I was going [threw]" -- threw is the past tense word for "to throw" you need "through" here.

"gave her [her] last and [finale] kiss" -- added "her" and spelling would be "final" without the extra "e".

"Filthy [mudblood]" -- capitalise "Mudblood".

"I froze as the memory of who she was came flooding back to me." -- this sentence is really awkward. I'd suggest rewording it slightly e.g. "As the memory of who the woman was flooded back to me I froze."

"way she [rose] her eyebrows" -- need to be in the past tense to match the rest of your writing so "raised".


I'd suggest getting a beta on the forums to help you out with this - the mistakes aren't too majour at all! Re-reading with a clear mind will help as well to help you pick out the really obvious ones. :)


Also your paragraphs are really long so I think that's something you need to figure out how to separate them.

For example its just that you move on to a different topic than the one before -- in your second paragraph you have speech from Caroline's mother about her going to a Muggle school.
You then move on to what happens when they will call her name - that's moving on to a slightly different topic than before considering the reader's don't understand what's happening yet so that's a new paragraph.
Then you describe the Dementors and the night sky - which is fine. But Caroline ends up moving to sit with another girl, she's trying to get away from her previous thoughts which would need another paragraph to show how much the place is affecting her because you were focusing more on the creatures beforehand.

So hopefully I helped on clearing that up for you. :)


Now for content:

I really, really, really like the idea for this. I've never read anything in the POV of a Muggle-born while they were sent to Azkaban so this is has been really interesting! So kudos to you on a really fabulous idea!

I think its a little bit confusing here where I don't exactly know where Caroline and other witches and wizards are being held - we have the impression that its Azkaban, because of the Dementors, and then we remember from DH where exactly Umbridge was having these meetings so its dancing on a fine line at this point.
I think if you made it a bit clearer as to where they were and give more description to the surroundings then this would help. Are they sitting in a corridor? In a room? What's the walls like? What's the floor like? When Caroline goes in to see Umbridge, what is the room like then? Where are the panel sitting exactly? Where does Caroline sit? Is it big and empty? Is there an echo? These are questions you should answer to build up a clear picture and really help to set the scene and have the reader lose themselves easily. :)

Also are those witches and wizards being held in a particular place before their meeting with Umbridge to minimalise them escaping? Is Umbridge in the midst of doing so?

Just some extra questions you might want to think about in later chapters!

A guard referred the red-haired witch as a 'Mudblood' when insulting her - maybe that should be changed to Muggle seeing as they're under the belief that Muggle-borns have stolen their wands and magic rather than having unquestionable Magical blood.

I also really like the characterisation of Umbridge here seeing as you've really reinforced that hatred I had of her before and argh she really twists my insides and I so loathe every little bit of her, so well done on that!

I think some her speech, however, is a little OOC - like her addressing the Dementor. I don't think that she really would want to communicate with the actual being itself seeing as its actually still beneath her as she's a Pureblood Witch.

I think the Dementors also needed to have a stronger affect on the characters - Caroline's parents had far too much hope in where they were trying to console their daughter and I think, considering they're Muggles, that they would be much worse in resisting the Dementors and would be affected by them and would attract the Dementors enough where they would have to be chased away from them.
Caroline didn't seem to be affected with the Dementor in the room either - I think, as a reader, need to see the absolute fear and hopelessness in Caroline and to exaggerate it even more so when Umbridge doesn't believe her.


So far I have really enjoyed reading this and its been such a pleasure to, because its such a good idea and there's even more to come in the mystery of Caroline and the introduction of even more characters that I can't wait to see!

You've done really well on this and I hope that I haven't been too harsh in my comments as I don't mean to be, but this story has SOOO much potential in it and you should be proud of it and get it as good as possibly can be. :)

I will be reviewing the next chapter, but it might not be for a couple of days - just so you know!

Cirque xx

Author's Response: Hello Miss HopelessRomantic!

Im considering all of the grammar and britpicks that you have given me and have printed off the page at school because my house doesnt have internet right now =O Thank you for pointing out all of them for me because I have no clue what type of grammar I need to work on. So not only are you helping me with my story you are helping me become smarter in the grammar world! THANK YOU =)

I just got a beta! Im so excited, so there shouldnt be a lot of grammar to comment on anymore!!!

Also you did help me with that! I never know when to separate my paragraphs, except for when people are talking, I got that part down! =)

I have to be honest here, J.K. Kind of gave me the idea when Ron told Hermione that he would lie about his family tree for her, and the fact that on HP-Lexicon they said that some Muggleborns were sent to Azkaban, also Dean Thomas inspired me. So it wasnt really all my ideas, I just kind of weaved them together to form one solid story. But thank you so much, there are a lot of DH stories from the POV of Ginny and Neville that I wanted to shake things up a bit and give you guys something completely different. Im glad you like it! =)

Dang it, I had the same problem with the old chapter that was on here. I edited it like crazy so you could know where she was at, and I still didnt get it. Haha But thanks for telling me! Time to go back to the drawing board.

Thanks for the suggestions/questions that I should ask myself while writing, I definitely want the readers to get lost so this helps me and I will have the printed review next to me when I re-write the chapter and for later chapters!!

I love your Muggle idea; I never thought of that, Im just so use to hearing/reading that term being used when they talk to a Muggleborn witch/wizard!

Hahaha I hate her as well I always have to leave the room when she appears on the movie screen, or clutch my fists and look away. She is such a horrid woman so Im glad I got her spot on and made you hate her again! Whoop! You make a good point she does hate things that are under her and I never thought to not have her address the Dementors who would be considered scum to her so called pure blood.

Dang it! I thought I had their fear and hopelessness spot on in this chapter, however I see what you mean they do have a little too much hope for being Muggles, and Caroline needs to be absolutely crushed when she hears that Umbridge doesnt believe her. I will definitely try to exaggerate their pain even more not just in this chapter but others as well when Dementors are involved.

Im glad youve enjoyed reading this and I cant wait to introduce you to the other characters as well because I love them all!

You havent been harsh at all! I love these types of reviews and love that you dont sugar coat anything. You notice things that need to be worked on and notice things that are perfect the way they are!

I want this story to be as good as it can possibly be as well and thank you for your review and your lovely comments.


-Morgan


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Review #3, by javct Sentence

27th April 2012:
Javct45 here with your requested review.

Sorry for taking so long! I don't normally take this long to review but school and work have taken over my life at the moment and as such, I've become really busy and haven't had much time to myself. Now, moving on.

I found this very interesting. I've seen heaps of stories on the archives that are based around the time of the muggle-born registration act but never ones that are OC centered. I think you gave the story a very interesting start, and a unique one at that. So far there are no cliche's but I'm only on the first chapter so I'm not one to judge the entire story.

Hm, I'm assuming that the man pretending to be her father actually isn't her father and is just pretending? Also, just something else I picked up, her mum is a muggle right? I thought muggles weren't allowed in the Ministry (kick me if I'm wrong). I can't really comment on Caroline's personality as a whole because it's only the first chapter but from first glance I like her :) I couldn't pick up any grammatical errors which made me really happy.

Onto the next chapter,
Jas

PS: Is that Gareth David-Lloyd on the banner? If it is, you just became a million times more awesome than you already were :D

Author's Response: It's totally fine, better late then never right? RIGHT!

I agree there are so many that are Ginny or Neville based that, even though I love those two, it just gets boring after awhile. So I thought why not spice things up a bit, throw an OC in there and make her a muggleborn. Especially since they only taste we got of muggleborns during the time was Dean Thomas during the snatchers raid.

Yes Greogory isn't really her father, Henri is. Michael Corner (Whom you will meet later on in the story) is her best friend, he faked his tree for her. Just like Ron was going to do for Hermione, which is where I originally got the idea from.

I shall not kick you because you are right, CypressQueen also pointed that out to me, which shall be fixed right away. While reading the DH I thought Mrs. Cattermole's husband was a muggle so I thought, oh there allowed? But alas they are not.

I hope you like the next chapter and thank you for taking the time to review.
-Morgan

Also unfortunatley I can not take the awesome status because that is not Gareth, that is Kellan Lutz, the guy I originally wanted for Michael but Changed it to Paul Wesley. But they do sorta look alike, at least in the picture used for the banner.


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Review #4, by ScorpiusRose17 Interrogation

24th April 2012:
Hi there!

Here with your review again! =)

I really enjoyed this chapter. I thought you did a fantastic job describing Azkaban. It gave me goosebumps while reading this part.

I also liked how you again characterized Caroline. I could feel the fear in her and the screams ringing out through the prison. I thought you brought her to life well and didn't create a cliche with her.

I thought that Michael's part you seemed a bit more comfortable while you wrote it. Maybe it is just the difference in the characters or it is the way that you are setting up the story with the first couple of chapters? I don't know. I really liked how you characterized him and brought out this depth. Especially when he is talking to his mom before they go downstairs.

I again disliked Umbridge, but enjoyed seeing the way that you portray her because it is done well. I just think she is a vile woman.

The flow and pace of the chapter is just as well done as the previous and smooth as fluid. I didn't feel rushed into reading through it at all.

I didn't see any typos, oddly worded sentences that confuse me when I read them or any grammar mistakes that I could tell.

Overall, I thought you did a wonderful job with your characters, description, flow, pace, and the overall chapter. I really enjoyed how believable it was and how I could feel their emotions coming through. I think you did a wonderful job making the reader want more by ending on a cliffie. I know I am excited to know what else happens.

Keep up the good work! =)

-SR17

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Review #5, by ScorpiusRose17 Sentence

24th April 2012:
Hi there!

I am here with your review!

This is truly a unique story. I loved the way that you described the feelings of sitting in the hallway and waiting to be called into the proceeding room. I thought you did a brilliant job bringing out the fear that witches and wizards have towards Dementors.

I thought that the flow of the chapter was smooth without messy transitions and was well balanced with the pace of the story which wasn't to fast or slow.

I think you do a great job making the characters believable. I know I was disliking Umbridge from the moment I saw her in the chapter image. I though that Caroline was a good introduction to a new OC. I could feel her fear and even retched my arms away from the computer when the other womans arm grabbed a hold of her before she was kissed by the dementors. I like how you chose to give the woman green eyes. They are such a vivid color that always sticks in my mind so easily.

A couple of things that I did notice were a couple of typos that made a couple of the sentences confusing. I am not strong with grammar, but from what I do know I didn't see anything that was jumping out at me as I read through it.

Overall, I thought that you did a wonderful job with characterization, description, flow, pace, and mood of your story. It starts off strong with a feeling of intense angst as you know that this could only lead to not so pleasant things. I think that you did a good job avoiding the cliches and flimsy feel to the chapter. I found it believable, strong, and I am excited to read more.

Keep up the good work!=)

-SR17

Author's Response: Hello! Sorry it's taken me so long to respond I feel so terrible! Please don't hate me! =)

Thank you so much for taking the time to review my story I appreciate it, even if I did request it. =)

I too hate Umbridge with a passion as well, she is horrendous indeed, yet a very strong character, so I'm glad I got her character down to a key.

Thanks again for your lovely review!

-Morgan


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Review #6, by RosieQueen Sentence

24th April 2012:
It's Rosie with your requested review! :)

This was such an amazing start to your novel! I've never read a story about the Second Wizarding War from an OC's PoV, so this was very refreshing intriguing!

First of all, I thought you did a wonderful job with conveying the mood of the time and situation. The worries and thoughts of your OC were very realistic! :)

The flow, spelling, and grammar was perfect. It was easy to understand and follow, which is excellent!

I only noticed one frequent mistake in your punctuation:
"Now your name is Caroline Josephine Adams...Correct?" She said smiling down at me. "She" should not be capitalized. After dialogue, pro-nouns aren't supposed to be capitalized. I had difficulty with this, too, and it's an easy fix. This little error does not draw me away from the story at all, I still really enjoyed this. I should also add the Umbridge's characterization was spot-on!

I really should keep reading! Keep on writing!! :D

~Rosie

Author's Response: Hi Rosie, thank you so much for taking the time to review my story, it means a lot to me.

I wanted to do something different, I noticed a lot of people have been doing the second wizarding war from either Ginnys or Nevilles POV, and even though I love them both, I thought it was 1. Over done, and 2. Left us with the one sided Gryffindor point of view. Because we all know they, Ginny and Neville, would have joined right away, or thought to do it right away. However a lot of students would struggle with it and I wanted to show that struggle from someone who isnt mentioned a lot threw out the series, who we only get a taste off, and since there werent a lot of Ravenclaws in the DA to begin with I thought they were the perfect fit. Plus I love the smarty pants to death so that helped as well. Plus we also have the muggleborns who got the short end of the stick, so when I was reading the seventh book, specifically the part where Ron said he would fake his family tree for Hermione, I wondered if other people thought to do the same, specifically the Ravenclaws who are smart and would think every detail threw.

Thank you! I did a lot of re-reading writing my own notes on Umbridge so Im happy that all that studying was put to good use and worked!

Thank you! And yes you should keep reading because my plans for the storywell I dont mean to toot my own horn but, I like them and their awesome!

-Morgan


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Review #7, by CypressQueen Interrogation

24th April 2012:
Hi. I really enjoyed this chapter. I was a bit curious as too why you chose to have her at Azkaban as she is a muggle-born. Also I think it would be more likely that Michael Corner and his family would be ordered to come to the Ministry. Well done on creating some mystry around Caroline. I really enjoyed it. Can't wait for the next chapter.
~CypressQueen~

Author's Response: Hello again,

I chose to have her in Azkaban because of what I read on HP-Lexicon, (I want everything to be as close to cannon, or at least believable as much as I possibly could.) And this is what it said,

Quote:

When the Death Eaters took over the Ministry, Umbridge found herself among like-minded people. She developed the policy of sending Muggle-born wizards to Azkaban and chaired the Muggle-born Registration Commission (DH13)

End Quote.

The true reasoning for why Umbridge decided to have her meeting at the house will be mentioned later on in the story, but Ill touch on the other reasoning.

-To catch them off guard. She could very well pick a random date and just show up, that way no rehearsals could have been made, and so she could have a look at the house as well. Because, well I dont know about other peoples houses but in mine there are many pictures of people in my family. So lets just say there was a picture on the table in the Den, that showed a family gathering, if Caroline wasnt there Umbridge or one of the other people she has with her would catch it and point it out. Also it would put them on edge, its like shes saying, I know where you live, type of thing, which would make anyone freak out.

Yes my goal was to make Caroline as mysterious as possible, well right now she is anyways, and Im glad I conveyed it well!

Thanks again for the lovely review!

-Morgan


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Review #8, by CypressQueen Sentence

23rd April 2012:
Hi. CypressQueen here with your review.

So far it is really good and I'm really intrigued as to what hapens next.
When I read the first paragraph, I thought that she was looking out if her bedroom. Then I thought that she was looking out of a window of the Room of Requirement. Then I realised it was the Ministry, I don't think that they would have had windows down in the courtrooms. Also. I find it rather unlikely that she would be able to sleep if she was waiting for her trial.

Are both of her parents Muggles or are they both muggleborn, I don't think that the ministry would allow Muggles to come into the Ministry.
You set the scene really well with the Dementors and the Werewolf howling. I could imagine it really clearly in my mind.

I think that Caroline is certainly a very strong believable character. I am extremely interested in her. Can't wait to read and review the next chapter.

~CypressQueen~

Author's Response: Hi CypressQueen thank you for taking the time to review my story.

I never thought about them not having windows, I mean it makes sense I just, never thought of it. Hahaha I will consider taking it out just like I took out the sleeping scene, because I too thought it was a little unlikely.

Well she wouldnt be questioned if only one of her parents were a muggle would she? So yes, both parents are muggles. And you make a good point also about the ministry not wanting the muggles to come. I never thought of that, makes sense since they all hate muggles, at least most of them do.

Yes! Im so glad that you could visualize everything, I tried very, very hard to make it easy for you guys to see it!

Thank you so much for the lovely review!

Morgan.


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Review #9, by luvinpadfoot Interrogation

21st April 2012:
This is so original! I love the whole idea of it. DH didn't really give us much about what life was like at Hogwarts for those who stayed, so this is really interesting. Caroline seems like a great character so far, as does Michael.

I'm really loving this whole story and am so excited for more! 10/10

Author's Response: I know I too was annoyed that J.K Didn't let us know a little more about what happened at Hogwarts during the time Harry, Ron, and Hermione were saving the world. However I'm happy she didn't at the same time because I'm enjoying writing from the students perspectives.

I'm glad you like Caroline and Michael so far! I was trying to make them as real as possible! So I'm happy that a lot of people like them!

I hope you like the next chapter and the rest of the story!

-Morgan.


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Review #10, by Ravenclaw_Charm Interrogation

19th April 2012:
This is really good! I really like how you described Voldemort-era Azkaban and how it felt to have a Dementor feed off you. It's really good. And, yay, Michael Corner! Glad we're getting some Ravenclaw rep here ;) I really want to know more about Michael's involvement in all of this and Caroline's backstory. I absolutely love it, and I hope you update soon :) Awesome job! 10/10

Author's Response: Oh trust me there will be A LOT of Ravenclaws threw out this story! I assume you know this since Michael is the 2nd main character and he is...well a Ravenclaw hahaha. I love the Voldemort era (I know, I know!) However i love his character and the Death Eaters, which is why i love writing this story! There is so many of them! hahaha. I wanted to do the Dementors and the kiss some justice as well as Azkaban, so I'm glad that I was a success at that!

Michael's motives behind helping his friend wont be told right away, I can't give away everything can I? How else would you stick with my story? haha.

As for Caroline's back story...well we'll see if I even touch on that!

Thank you so much for the lovely review! It was a huge surprise that brought a smile to my face!


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Review #11, by Ravenclaw_Charm Sentence

19th April 2012:
Oh my gosh, I really love this! You're a really good writer, and I really love the plot. Going to read the next chapter! :) 10/10

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm so glad you enjoyed this, and I hope you continue to enjoy it as the chapters come up!

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Review #12, by katebabelovesharrypotter Sentence

21st March 2011:
Okay, I really, really, really loved this! You did an excellent job presenting ideas and plot and characters and everything. I enjoyed your whole idea and everything you put into this so far. The flow worked well and you can do some awesome things with this! Great job! :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I have this HUGE grin on my face which is weird since I'm at a bookstore and people are looking at me weird.OH WELL loll I will have chapter 2 up as soon as I can!

xoxo Morgan xoxo


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Review #13, by gingersnape Sentence

5th February 2011:
Hello, gingersnape at long last with your review!

Wow, see, one of my favorite things in a request is when it has a nice well-rounded areas of concern so I know what to focus on, and I am going to give you early points for having so much there! Wow, I'm still impressed and that poor lonely request has been sitting in my to do list for more than a week now! Anyway, I'll go through everything you pointed out in your areas of concern, and because they look like they cover most of what I would comment on, I think I'll move right along to the usual spelling and grammar, pacing and flow, and we'll end on my overall opinion! Alright, let's get this show on the road! :D

Plot: I would say that you really do have a strong plot that could develop into something really good from what I've read so far. As for this particular chapter, I really felt like you had a strong introduction into the dilemma that Caroline faced, which is a good thing for a first chapter to have. One thing that seemed to be missing were details, so maybe adding in places could make the story and the plot stronger. While it was a really good start to have it attention grabbing and the characters and emotions were spot on, I had to reread some bits to understand what happened, so I think what I am trying to say is that by adding details and just explaining everything a little more, the characters and the plot could shine more and not have readers be turned off by not quite understanding what had happened.

Is it a good story: I would say it's too early to tell how this will turn out, but I did feel like I could see this developing into a really good story later on when more chapters are up. I don't have a good answer for you on this, other than I think it will be.

Is it unique: Another hard to answer question. As I was reading this, I subconsciously made the connection to Mrs. Cattermole, so I felt like I knew a bit more about Caroline through her, and I also felt like I had read something like this before. However, there was also a very different element to it, and I haven;t read many stories like this, so I think it would be a fairly unique story.

Emotions and Characters: Wow, just wow. Caroline's emotions in this chapter were amazing! They felt very real, and you managed to keep Umnridge very in character. She was done very well and her interactions with Caroline were amazing because I could feel the emotions coming from them and I knew how they both felt and arrg! I loved it! You have one of the better Umbridges that I've read, so that right there should be a sign that you are doing really well with the character development and keeping the character's emotions real and relatable.

Is it believable: Absolutely! As I said up there *points to earlier paragraph, then realizes you can't see me* I felt like I had already read something with this horrible circumstance to be in, just not as in depth as this, so I could see this happening like that and you also did a good job of keeping it canon and original, which can be a difficult balance.

Does it leave me wanting more: Yup, I know I want to read on with it! Because I felt like I was able to relate to Caroline so well, I did want to read on and see what happened to her, even though the ending wasn't a thousand foot cliffie. That said, there certainly was a cliffhanger in the ending, but it was a very well done cliffie is what I think I'm trying to say. :)

Spelling and Grammar: There really wasn't too much that I noticed in the way of spelling and grammar mistake. One thing I did see a bot OC was run on sentences and fragments. (I do that ALL the time, so I know the feeling of having it sound great in your head, but 10% of the time it doesn't quite work, but even then it sounds okay.) I would just take a quick run through and read it backwards for anything that doesn't seem to fit. (Hehe, you know you're in good shape when the biggest problem in the chapter is a run on sentence here or there!)

Pacing and Flow: There weren't many problems here; you moved at a pace that felt a bit fast for the chapter but it all seemed to flow together nicely, so with a few more details, particularly on the dementor's kiss scene, you could have this down and no problems in the flow and pacing section. :)

And, we can end with my overall opinion, which was really pretty positive! You have already established strong characters, I am both horrified at how they treat other humans, which brings out a lot of emotion from me as a reader, which is a very good thing. I can, however, believe what is happening could have happened. Having those two elements wrestling with each other was one of the things that made me like this as much as I did, so I can safely say this was pretty good. :)

Have a great day and good luck with the rest of your story! :D
-ginger

Author's Response: Haha better late then never right?

Thank you, I believe you said that you wanted people to be specific so I was. =D And I know what you mean by the requests and not knowing what to focus on, I had that trouble too when I had my own review page. I hated it too so I try to be as specific as I can without going over board. YAY BONUS POINTS!!! * does insane happy dance around my class room *

Yes Lets! * Drum begins to roll and the audience sits on the edge of their seats in anticipation *

Plot: Yes I see what you mean by that I’ve gotten lots of comments about how a few people had to re-read my work cause they were a little confused about what happened. It’s understandable now that I’ve re-read it, what you guys are all talking about. I have a problem with that because I assume that like me, everyone knows what’s going on. I’m really excited for this story, mostly because it’s stayed in my head for so long while most stories I come up with fade into the background. So I’m happy that it seems like a strong plot line from the start.

Is it a good story: Well what you think it will be is better then nothing!!! So thank you for having high hopes for my story it makes me very happy!

Is it unique: It’s funny that you mentioned Mrs. Cattermole, because while I was writing the first chapter I had the book opened to her interrogation because I forgot what Umbridge did so I probably unconsciously made Caroline like her. But if you think about it who wouldn’t be? Mrs. Cattermole was scared, alone, and felt betrayed by her own kind. So I think that everyone acted like that on some level especially those with delicate personalities like Caroline and Cattermole.

Emotions and Characters: You made me blush and laugh nervously just by the first sentence. But it’s a good thing! Thank you so much! I love you right now! Haha I was so nervous about whether or not Caroline’s emotions were right and if Umbridge was good, hence why I kept the book opened to refresh my memory of Umbridge. I’m so very happy that they were right! You have no idea.

Is it believable: THANK YOU! As I have said up there I was really, really worried.
Does it leave you wanting more?: Hahaha I understand you no worries. I love cliffies that are well done, and truth be told I did an evil laugh at the end of this chapter, because I knew if I read this for the first time I would be pissed and want more. I’m glad you could relate to Caroline so well! I love her to death and even though I love all the silly characters people event on here, I have yet to find one that’s relatable, so that’s who I wanted to create when writing this story.

Spelling and Grammar: YES I’m usually horrible with grammar and what not so I’m glad that that was my only problem *does happy dance again! *

Pacing and Flow: I definitely see what you mean here. I felt that it needed something more but I wasn’t totally sure what was missing. A lot of people have mentioned the kiss scene so, I’m guessing that that’s it!!! Hizzah! The mystery is solved!.

Thank you so much!! I hope you review this again!! If not I will definitely be re-requesting you!

Morgan


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Review #14, by ravenclaw_princess Sentence

28th January 2011:
Hello, I'm reviewing as requested. sorry it took so long.

This was a good start and I did find myself totally engrossed in it. Generally it flowed well, but it seemed a little fast in places. I just felt like a bit more detail could have been added, especially around the dementors kiss. It wasn't quite just an event on the fringe of her consciousness but something that was occurring right in front of her. It would be pretty terrifying, esp being in her position so it just seemed a little rushed. What you have though is a very good start.

I also thought that a little more detail is needed in the first paragraph to set the scene a little more. Took me a bit to realise exactly where she was in the Ministry.

I thought the characters were great. Umbridge seemed right on and I like how you added her patronus. Her lines seemed very much in canon. Charlotte was portrayed with a lot of vulnerability which was good and her fear came across in your writing. Her emotions were spot on for the situation that she is in.

Grammatically, there was some weird sentence structure happening at times, mainly with the use or lack or use of commas. Also Ministry, should always have capital.

As a story, I found it really interesting so far and I would like to read on. Charlotte is interesting and in such a vulnerable place that I want to see what happens to her. You could add a little more details in places and build the scene up a little more, but other than that, it is a nice start.

I would be more than happy to review any further chapters on this story if you wish. Just repost in my thread.

Author's Response: Haha better late then never right?

Thank you, I believe you said that you wanted people to be specific so I was. =D And I know what you mean by the requests and not knowing what to focus on, I had that trouble too when I had my own review page. I hated it too so I try to be as specific as I can without going over board. YAY BONUS POINTS!!! * does insane happy dance around my class room *

Yes Lets! * Drum begins to roll and the audience sits on the edge of their seats in anticipation *

Plot: Yes I see what you mean by that I’ve gotten lots of comments about how a few people had to re-read my work cause they were a little confused about what happened. It’s understandable now that I’ve re-read it, what you guys are all talking about. I have a problem with that because I assume that like me, everyone knows what’s going on. I’m really excited for this story, mostly because it’s stayed in my head for so long while most stories I come up with fade into the background. So I’m happy that it seems like a strong plot line from the start.

Is it a good story: Well what you think it will be is better then nothing!!! So thank you for having high hopes for my story it makes me very happy!

Is it unique: It’s funny that you mentioned Mrs. Cattermole, because while I was writing the first chapter I had the book opened to her interrogation because I forgot what Umbridge did so I probably unconsciously made Caroline like her. But if you think about it who wouldn’t be? Mrs. Cattermole was scared, alone, and felt betrayed by her own kind. So I think that everyone acted like that on some level especially those with delicate personalities like Caroline and Cattermole.

Emotions and Characters: You made me blush and laugh nervously just by the first sentence. But it’s a good thing! Thank you so much! I love you right now! Haha I was so nervous about whether or not Caroline’s emotions were right and if Umbridge was good, hence why I kept the book opened to refresh my memory of Umbridge. I’m so very happy that they were right! You have no idea.

Is it believable: THANK YOU! As I have said up there I was really, really worried.
Does it leave you wanting more?: Hahaha I understand you no worries. I love cliffies that are well done, and truth be told I did an evil laugh at the end of this chapter, because I knew if I read this for the first time I would be pissed and want more. I’m glad you could relate to Caroline so well! I love her to death and even though I love all the silly characters people event on here, I have yet to find one that’s relatable, so that’s who I wanted to create when writing this story.

Spelling and Grammar: YES I’m usually horrible with grammar and what not so I’m glad that that was my only problem *does happy dance again! *

Pacing and Flow: I definitely see what you mean here. I felt that it needed something more but I wasn’t totally sure what was missing. A lot of people have mentioned the kiss scene so, I’m guessing that that’s it!!! Hizzah! The mystery is solved!.

Thank you so much!! I hope you review this again!! If not I will definitely be re-requesting you! 

Morgan


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Review #15, by LovelyMioneWeasley Sentence

23rd January 2011:
Hello there--got your request from the forums to come over and check out your request.

I really liked your graphics; they are very beautiful! And they certainly had a really nice touch to your story.

At the very beginning of the chapter, I was very confused about what was going on; maybe you should clarify that she was asleep in the ministry. I had to reread that part a couple of times to completely understand but it just might have been me ^_^

Caroline seemed like a very believable character though. And you did a very good job creating a nervous atmosphere in the beginning. You do get a sense of that as a reader. And the hovering presence of the Dementors , which adds a bit of the darkness.

You kept the chapter short enough to keep the reader interested, but at the same time, it seems to be too short. You have a long of details compacted into one chapter. Like, I feel that you could have built and shaped the entire interaction between the redhead that got Kissed and Caroline for a good couple of chapters. It seemed a bit rushed at that part.

You did a really good job at keeping Umbridge in character and giving her dialogue that is completely realistic. I am curious as to why she was at the ministry at night. Perhaps talking about how long the family had to wait, how they got there, how Caroline got informed about having to come to the ministry etc because the beginning seems to just push you into the middle of the story.

It seems to lack a little bit of buildup in my opinion; I think that a good idea might be providing flashbacks into the future. Its hard to start a story out in the middle of so much action. Just a recommendation.

Also I would go back and reread; your commas and sentence structure seems to get a bit odd in spots. Overall, I think you have some real potential to provide a really interesting story.

LMW

Author's Response: Hi sorry for the late reply!!!

Thank You!!! I love them too 100ways is amazing!!

Oh geez I didnt realize that it was hard to read! I must have had a writers blocked vision or something. I knew where they were and assumed you guys did too. Re-reading I can definitely see why you guys would be confused!!

Im so happy that Caroline is a believable character. Im kind of tired of the clichd funny characters on here. I mean I love them and its fun to read but their not really relatable nor are some of the situations. I wanted to bring a new kind of character to HPFF and Im glad I hit it spot on!

Yeah the red head and Caroline were a bit rushed but if you think about it, the scene really wasnt. Because she got away from the Ministry and was trying to run and grabbed the first person she saw. The Ministry would try really hard to catch her and would work fast to do it. This isnt the last time you will here of the red head. She has a name and she will haunt Caroline for awhile.

And about why Caroline was thereI cant say much because it will give things away about other chapters. But she didnt know about the Muggle Borns registration until she got there.

Thank you sooo much for your review and sorry about the late reply!


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Review #16, by MrsJaydeMalfoy Sentence

22nd January 2011:
Great first chapter! You've got me intrigued; I'm interested to see where you go from here! Your spelling, syntax, and grammar are all excellent, you're a very talented writer!

10/10!

Author's Response: Thankyou!
Awe really? thats so sweet You seriously made my day.. no lie!

Hope you like the next chapter!!!


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Review #17, by xXSeamus_and_DeanXx Sentence

29th December 2010:
This was really good. The mood that was given by the words you used, was brilliant. And the character's personality, was nice, because she seems strong yet vulnerable. The only problem was a think you needed to spell check it one more time, because there were a couple, awkward sentences, and random words. But that usually happens to me too, so it's not the end of the word!!!
9/10

Author's Response: Thankyou! I tried really hard to get the mood right! so I'm glad I succeded!! Yes! Caroline's character was sooo hard to do without making her seem mary-sue! Thankyou for your lovely review made me smile!

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