Hey there LMW! Back with the final review and I really liked the completed story, it was a good mixture of surprise and you used the elements well.
You're right, the last one was stretching it a little bit, but I will take it! It's not exactly what I had in mind-- nevermind the fact that Scott actually telling Lydia about the birth of his daughter was a little interesting, but it works, and you fufilled that part of the requirement! I think I still liked that the one hex that got Aidan was an inebriation spell xP. One more big thing, I don't really understand the bit about the mirror thing, or it's purpose, so perhaps you could explain that bit to me? Was it important to the story, because I didn't think much of it after there was no follow up from Albus about why the men had wanted it destroyed.
Overall, not many mistakes, though there were a couple of grammar errors, but if it had been anyone but a grammar freak like me reading, it would have gone unnoticed and it didn't distract me from the story which is the important part! (: If you would like suggestions for things to change, I've got a couple, but I won't be hurt if you choose to ignore me completely :P
He gulped down a bunch of it-- here you are referring to water which cannot be in a bunch, so it's the case of an ill-fitting word here xD
How is Mr. Burns doing-- That's a simply typo error, I know you meant Mr. Burrs (:
Lydia’s eyes looked up to her.-- This super nit-picky, but you don't need the words 'eyes' or 'to' otherwise it says that just Lydia's eyes looked up at her and not the rest of Lydia xD
Anyway, thanks so much for participating in my challenge and your story was definitely enjoyable to read, so bravo! I will be PMing the winners for the challenge by Wednesday! :)
~VioletBladeAuthor's Response: Thanks for the mistakes--went back and fixed them ;).
I think the PM sorted out any real questions about plotline but I'm glad to know the elements were certainly fulfilled. I'm glad it was a good read. Thanks again for the challenge.
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Heyy, I'm back again! Another very well-written and interesting chapter to read, I assure you! The only thing I had trouble with is that there is absolutely NOBODY in the entire world with the name Scott Burrs. It's just a very common name, and it wouldn't be a name that nobody had, I don't think. However, I could be persuaded to believe that they might have run "Scott's" photo along with the full name, and come up with no matches.
Other than that I liked that you brought the history aspect into the story! It interested me, and, if you made it up, bravo! But now I am a little confused about the mirrors, and why people believed it was a passage for souls, and all that. And is it only on a specific day, or do they cover all the mirrors all the time? (If it's the latter, what's the point of even having them :P) I'd like a little bit more explanation on that, but obviously, it's not a very long story, so I can forgive it.
Otherwise I liked the chapter overall very much, and there were very minimal grammar errors, which is good! Can't wait for the final chapter so my poor brain can go to rest! :)
~VioletBladeAuthor's Response: Heheh...yeah about that. Didn't really occur in my mind; so let's go with the photo theory. Its a good theory to have! :)
I PM'd you about the mirror thing and I definitely had to do some research with the mmirrors. It was very fun to do.
Aw last chapter. Its very exciting!
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Hi LMW! Another wonderful chapter, and up to standards on flow, grammar, etc. which makes me want to keep reading! :)
I really, really, really liked that you had the entire Weasley clan come over to the Potter's house to make sure Lily is alright and that once they know she is, they stay anyway. That's exactly how I imagine the Weasley clan would be like-- close and tight-knit. I also like the fact that with Rose/Scorpius (had to comment on this, since it's my favorite pairing ;)) it wasn't what I'm used to when I read about them. By that I mean Scorpius actually goes to family gatherings (and yes I do see a lot of the family not liking him in other stories-- I'm guilty of it myself!) but that they never think about him being in discomfort. I think I'd be very much intimidated by that, especially if I knew they didn't like me very much!
And can I just say :O at the little surprise you put at the end? It makes me really wonder why he lied and who he really is. (which is another element of yours) I can't wait to see how you develop this element in future chapters.
Right, well that's all for now! On to Chapter Four! :)
~VioletBladeAuthor's Response: Ah thats so good to read! I'm glad they are.
Oh the Weasly clan, my favorite to witre about almost always. And the R/Scor was a thought I'd always envisioned. My best friend's family is about Weasley sized and lives pretty close together so when a significant other comes into the picture and they have to meet everyone at family gatherings, they tend to be indimated.
I like surprises!! And I had to include the element somehow, yes?
Hey LMW! I'm here with your most overdue review, and I am dreadfully sorry about that. I can grovel and beg, but instead I will get to telling you how much I really enjoy your story so far, how's that? (:
Obviously, the second element-- taking place in late morning, was fairly easy to accomplish, so well done.
The fifth element (the attack), was interesting, because until Lydia said what she did about the mysterious mirror, I hadn't thought about Scott not being under attack, but since they were all under the impression, and technically he was attacked, it most definitely works. :)
Lastly--my favorite of the elements you've presented thus far-- is the inebriation of Aidan. It made me laugh so hard once I'd realized what exactly him acting that way had to do with the set I gave you. It was really original I thought and it was a completely different take on that particular element than I ever would have thought, so bravo!
Other than the five elements, I like the way you've developed Lily and Lydia (especially that Lily is definitely Ginny's child (getting annoyed when her father doesn't allow her to do something for instance)). I didn't see many grammar issues, which is a big plus for me as I can be very nit-picky when it comes to things like that. I can't wait to keep reading!
~VioletBladeAuthor's Response: I'll take it ^_^ I definitely am glad you like it.
Yeah, the second element was kind of a no-brainer and it kind trails along in the story (as you saw in the last chapter I'm sure).
The attack is definitely creatively used but Aidan definitely got attacked as well. So the element was definitely fufilled.
Oh, Aidan was actually the first element I thought of--it started out as in my mind as George/Fred II being the one to become inebirated by accident but it changed as the story shaped itself ^_^. I'm glad you laughed though.
Glad to hear about the grammar issues and I like to hope that Lydia and Lily are developing well. Lily is an easy one to write--so much potential and voalitle personality to work with from her parents!
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good story enjoying it alotAuthor's Response: Glad to hear it! Thanks for reviewing!
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Well, that chapter seemed to fly by. I really enjoyed the light, care-free dialogue between Lydia and Lily. I thought it was sweet that Lily called Harry and that little moment where he ensured she was alright was sweet. Now to address your concerns...
Lydia is likeable and believable. I really like how you mentioned the antique shop being a risk for the Ravenclaw - it added some depth to her character. Her relationship with Scott seems a bit dull and over the top, considering they've only been on four dates. Aidan just faded into the background, although I was curious why he came into the store with his eyes averted and feet dragging beneath him. There was a hint that he has something for Lily - maybe that will be addressed in future chapters?
Pacing is consistent until the action scene - that seemed quite sudden and intense (considering Scott could have died) and it's only the first chapter. I didn't notice any grammatical issues :)
I really cannot give you a well-rounded opinion until I read further chapters - after all, it's only the first. Great potential - I'm curious to see what you do with it!Author's Response: I'm glad to hear the dialgoue was good to read! And that the chapter flew by.
Hmmm...I'll be sure to work on the relationship between the two of them then. But it should be noted that they have known each other longer than they have been dating. I have not revealed that to readers already but thanks for the advice.
The intensity and suddeness of the attack was intended to be that way but thanks for letting me know.
I'm thankful for the review--thanks! Report Review
This is a really great start, I love the first chapter! I'm interested to see where you go with this story, and how you fit the elements into it. One question: Why is it marked as 'Completed'? Hehe. Anyway, there wasn't anything that stuck out to me in terms of needing fixing. Overall, very well-written :)
~VBAuthor's Response: Aww glad to hear it; oops what a mistake!! Haha thanks for pointing it out and that piece has been rectified. Hope that it continues to go well.
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