28 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Veritaserum27 Parental Freedom

22nd November 2014:
Hi there!

I'm here for the BvB review battle from the common room.

Great chapter! Wow - so much going on with Cassie trying to find herself again. You've done a fabulous job capturing her teenage spirit. She still wants to be the good, obedient daughter of the Minister of Magic, but also wants to find her own place as well. I thought you did a really great job of portraying Cassie as a girl with a wide range of emotions, but still a little naive. She is a typical teenager.

I loved your reasoning why Cassie isn't keen on people focusing on her looks - they judge her too much on that, instead of who she is as a person. I love that she has such a solid base of friends to rely on.

I also think you do a really good job of putting in little hints of different characters' personalities - Cassie is really observant and would've made a good seeker, Dan and Aimee might have some feelings to attend to, Cassie is always aware of her surroundings. All of these give the story more depth.

I caught a few typos. First, this one:

As annoying as he mother had been, she was now please that the entire time she had been in the public eye, her hair had been swept back, her eyes clear of dark make-up and her attire light and fresh.

I think it should be "pleased" not "please."

And here:

They finished off their ice creams quickly and before Cassie even had a chance to stand, Dan was on his feet, grinning wickedly as he pulled Cassie's seat out for you.

I think the last word should be "her."

Ooo! And a cliffhanger. This story is moving quickly and I just cant' wait to see what happens next! Thanks for a great read!

♥ Beth

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Review #2, by LightLeviosa5443 Prologue

18th November 2014:
Hi there! I'm here for the BvB!

Can I just start this out by saying the way you started this story was brilliant. I absolutely loved that first line, it felt so powerful and strong and I think it sets a really great tone for the rest of the story.

That first paragraph is just holy woah. I am absolutely in love with your word choice, it's brilliant and strong and packs a powerful punch for how the character feels. We're really seeing into her mind and her feelings here and I think that that is so great. That line "For magic was not what is seemed." really makes me think that this story is going to have some deep and intricate plotlines and I'm super excited to keep reading to see if that's true. I'm already hooked in this story and I'm not even halfway through this prologue. You're brilliant.

Your description is just incredible. I really love how you're painting a picture of the past and giving us a deep narration that really just paints such a clear picture of this beginning story. AGH I'M IN LOVE WITH YOUR ENDING SENTENCE TOO.

Okay, you are brilliant, this prologue was brilliant, and I absolutely, positively have to keep reading this story because holy woah, dude.

That's all I've got. I don't have any other coherent thoughts, other than I completely loved this and I am so so so so so glad I picked it. This was an outstanding first chapter. I'm in love with your writing.

xoxo Sarah ♥

Author's Response: Thank you so much. You've brought tears to my eyes from reading your review. I was always a little nervous about the prologue, so its so good to hear some reassurance from a reader.

This story does have some intricate plot lines and questions the fundamentals of magic. I hope you do read on and continue to enjoy this story.

Thanks again for the lovely review. It has totally made my day.


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Review #3, by Veritaserum27 When My World Changed

16th November 2014:
Hello!

I'm here from the common room for the November BvB review battle!

I'm so glad I picked this story. It is really intriguing and I love the way you've laid out the details for us. You've got a lot going on here, with Cassie's nightmares, her special necklace, her frustration with having to be in the spotlight all the time, and then this dark wizard looming beneath it all! I love it! You did a great job putting everything together and not confusing the reader.

I've found myself really caring about Cassie and what happens to her. I've also never seen a story where someone so accurately portrayed the emotions of a child of a famous wizard. I think you hit it spot-on - that Cassie would've seen the glamour and enjoyed the attention initially, but then it would wear on her to the point of feeling completely frustrated at the lack of privacy. Bravo!

My only cc is that there appears to be a run-on sentence here and there. It's not a big deal, but they pop up from time to time and make reading that part of the story a little difficult.

Callum Lester. Ooo! This dude seems really bad. Like Voldemort bad. His followers fear for their lives - and it seems like some of them are loose cannons. Yikes. Cassie is in for it.

I'm curious about these dreams. Did you name her after the mythical seer because she has some of the same powers? Is she seeing her future? I can't wait to read more of this amazing story!

♥ Beth

Author's Response: Hi Beth

For whatever reason, I can't respond to your first review, so I'll respond to both here.

Thanks so much for reading this story. It is definitely my biggest work, and has been a part of my life now for 4 years as it's slowly developed into what it now is. It was so good to here you liked the prologue. It wasn't part of my first draft, but when I finally reached my conclusion, I thought it was a good way to show the basis of this story. I'm also happy to here it was about the right length. Its only meant to be a snap shot to, hopefully, entice the reader to read more. And I like the way you wrote the last line too. I will edit it :)

There sure is a lot that goes on in this story. It's the most complex thing I've written, hence the 4yrs that it took me (plus real life got in the way).

Callum is a bit of a bad guy. It was fun writing a villain.

I liked the name Cassandra/Cassie and it was by chance that the name meant 'prophet' and also the same name as the mythical seer.

Thanks for the cc. I'll take it on board as I re-read.

I really hope you continue to enjoy this story and see it through to it's conclusion. And thanks again for the wonderful reviews

Jacqui


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Review #4, by Veritaserum27 Prologue

11th November 2014:
Hi there!

I'm here from the common room for the November BvB review battle.

This story looked like it was your biggest work, so I decided to give it a go. What a great prologue! I felt like I was watching an epic movie, with grandiose images forming in my mind if the Earth's great power and the history of how magic and earth are tied together. You did a fantastic job pulling the reader in and making me wonder what is going to happen next.

I also love that you chose to be concise with this first chapter (prologue). I think it is a common mistake that authors make when they feel that they have to give ALL the background information at the get-go.

My only tiny bit of cc is the last sentence is a bit of a run-on. It could either be two sentences:

And I lay at the epicentre. I, the minister of Magic's daughter.

Or it could be:

And at the epicentre lay I, the Minister of Magic's daughter.

I really did love the last line, so please don't think that it wasn't completely brilliant, it just think that it might read better.

I also appreciated the authors note at the beginning. So many stories get abandoned, it is nice to know that this one is already done!

I can't wait to read more!

♥ Beth

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Review #5, by Emm Parental Freedom

22nd June 2013:
I've read three chapters. Good story plot that has me eager to read more. There were some typos so have someone edit. You also introduced a character Kat suddenly which did not make sense. I hope you don't mind the critique please keep writing!

Author's Response: Thanks for the story. I've recently gone back and edited so hopefully the typo's are corrected.

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Review #6, by AlexFan When My World Changed

10th February 2013:
Another awesome chapter!

Still lots of great description so no one is left wondering what happened and I loved the Cassie and Aimee together. They seemed like really close friends and they're dialogue was really light and easy-going.

You showed that even though Cassie was the Minister's daughter she was still a teenager and she'd still talk like one no matter what!

Author's Response: Thanks again for reviewing my story *squee* I tried to keep the dialogue really friendly and teenager-ish, the sort of stuff that two 16 year old girls would talk about. Its cool to know if came across how I wanted it too.

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Review #7, by AlexFan Prologue

10th February 2013:
RAVENCLAW REVIEW BATTLE!

I really love that you added so much description. Some stories don't have enough while others have too little but you added the right amount.

I think you did a great job of showing how hard it would be to be related to the Minister for Magic and everything that you have to do. The way that you have to behave the things that you have to say.

Her family also sounds really prim and proper as well which I'm guessing goes along with the whole being related to the Minister thing.

The ending though, holy cow, I can't wait to read the next chapter now. This story sounds interesting!

Author's Response: This story is my baby right now so I'm so happy you decided to read it :) The whole story has grown and taken on a life of its own and become so much more than I ever thought it would.

I'm glad you like my description, I've been working on these and my metaphors to add depth. I really hope you continue to read and thanks for your review.


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Review #8, by Cassius Alcinder Prologue

12th November 2011:
Review tag!

This is a very strong start to your story, and a very original idea as well I must add! I enjoy political thrillers, and the idea of setting one in the HP world is original and awesome.

You did a good job with characterization. Cassie is a very sympathetic character and totally believable. It's easy to realte to her emotions because you described them very well. Callum sounds so evil!

This is a great start and i'd love to read the rest of it

Author's Response: I'm always so excited when I get reviews to this story because it's my pet project at the moment and I know how completely epic it's going to become.but anyway.

Personally, politics drives me bonkers so it's kind of funny that I've written a story focused around political intrigue. It's quite fun adapting it to the magical world.

I like Cassie; she's such a sweet girl who is suddenly thrown into the public eye. She wants to rebel but hates to disappoint and so goes along with what is asked of her.

And yes Callum is evil.but in the intelligent, calculating sort of way.

Thanks so much for the review.


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Review #9, by LittleWelshGirl99 Prologue

8th November 2011:
This is looking up to be an amazing story :)

This first chapter has cleverly set the scenes and introduced the main plot and characters, while allowing a lot of room for growth and development.

It's a very original idea-The Minister of Magic's Daughter! I've never read a fic quite like this, which makes it unique :D There'll also be some pretty fab ways you can take this considering the politics involved, possible romances etc.

I like the idea of the jealous 'wannabe' who thinks he should have been elected. is it quite realistic that he would go to such lengths as kidnapping though? Although looking back that would suit his character :)

Nicely written, I'm particulalry noticing that you didn't muddle up tenses! Quite a lot of stories do that so I'm happy this one doesn't :P

LWG x

Author's Response: Thanks so much for your review. This story is my little baby right now and my NaNo rebel project. While there's only two chapters up, there is so much more written.

You're quite right about a lot of room for development...this will become a very epic tale, with politics history, mystery and definitely a bit of romance on the side :) It's a very complex plot I have going and you'll find out a lot more about Callum and his true objective.

You have totally made my night with this review. Thank you so much. And now, after this brief interlude, I must continue Cassie's story.


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Review #10, by Drummergirlred When My World Changed

7th August 2011:
Oh no! That happened quickly and rather easily. Poor Cassie and I'm sure her friends will be in a state! I thought the 'girl' talk before Diagon Alley was realistic and helped me to see a bit more of Cassie's personality. Something tells me she won't be a very corporative hostage. I did see a few word typos in the dialogue but it wasn't distracting.
I was hoping Cassie would make it to school first before she was kidnapped, so I could see how she was at school. Hopefully there will be a grand rescue plan! I hope you update this soon.

Author's Response: Hehe, the joys of ending on a cliff hanger as you really don't know what's going to happen. I wanted to show a bit more of Cassie's personality so I'm glad that it came through. Thanks so much for your review and thoughts

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Review #11, by Drummergirlred Prologue

7th August 2011:
I personally enjoy politics so I think this is a great start! You wrote a very nice speech for the acceptance and my politics neediness inside was grinning. Poor Cassie, what a tough position for a child to be in sucked into something they complete understand. I personally know several politicians who choose not to run for certain elections or 'retire' because of their children. I was happy to see Cassie's mother seemed to get the picture.
I am intrigued with your villain and how you develop him. Kidnapping is a such a good way to get someone's attention and I am curious to see how that all goes down and how Cassie's dreams may be related.

Author's Response: Thanks so much. I'm glad you liked my acceptance speech. I was useless at speech writing at school but I seem to have a knack for them in fan fiction. Cassie's mum is very understanding although naturally, she gets annoyed by her daughters antics.

I love my villain, he is so fun to write. Thanks for the review :)


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Review #12, by NaidatheRavenclaw Prologue

4th August 2011:
Well by now, you should know that I love your stories :P I've reviewed enough of them! And this was no different. It was an incredible first chapter, like usual with you. I really like your premise for this in particular. I've always wondered about the lives of kids of politicians, and I think you did a great job here of portraying that. And I'm really interested to see how this kidnapping plan will work out! Amazing start to the story!
-NaidatheRavenclaw, Ravenclaw

Author's Response: Thank you. I'm really happy you enjoyed the first chapter. I've had the idea of this story for ages and it's great to finally have some of it written down. And the kidnapping...you'll just have to continue reading...

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Review #13, by charlottetrips When My World Changed

1st July 2011:
Hi! I’m so happy I get to review one of your stories!!! :) And that there’s a new chapter to this story for me to read!

The first thing that pops out to me here is the word “stealthy”. I really love that word! Random, I know, but thought you should know!

I like how you managed to put both Cassie and her mother’s viewpoint in about the clothes and what Cassie is wearing means to both of them. Being omniscient I see.

Little tidbits of stray punctuation: [photo's] (first paragraph) and [She had always wished she had blue eyes like her parents but no, she had to be stuck with green.”]

I enjoy humble characters, though to be honest, she sounds pretty beautiful to me. Which, now as I read on, you totally acknowledge! (I’m doing a running review so it sounds like I don’t know the whole chapter yet because, well, I DON’T know the whole chapter yet as I’m still reading.) I think you have a fair insight into the mind of a good but beautiful person (as opposed to the beautiful but snobby people).

The interaction between the friends was very believable. Everyone is kind of testing these celebrity waters out and Cassie’s annoyance is totally real to me.

Yes! Action!! Keep going!

x Char

Author's Response: Yay, I love your reviews.

The whole thing about Cassie's looks plays as important part of her character later on. She is humble and shy about it as you pointed out.

Glad you like the word stealthily :) Cassie still lets her mother have some control over her, yet is also trying to be her own person. She is at the age where she wants to break free yet she is also a little afraid to totally leave the safety of home.

And yes there is action...thanks for the review. It made my night

x Jacqui


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Review #14, by WitnesstoitAll Prologue

19th May 2011:
hello!

All in all, I think the premise of this story is really unique and interesting. From what we've seen of the HP world, the minister of magic always works alone. We never see him as a family man, a father or a husband. It certainly will be interesting to see!! Your cast of characters is wide, which gives the reader a real-feeling. The only small critique that I have though, are about Cassie. I have trouble getting a good feel of her age between her dialogue and your description of her. Niether are weak, both the dialogue and description work week, but don't seem to support one another in the age of your character. Her speech gives her an air of sophistication and maturity, but her actions and attitude allude more to a young, pre-teen aged girl. I'm sure that this can be resolved in later chapters as her character grows, so I wouldn't be too fussed about it. All in all, this is an interesting first chapter and I'm glad I read it!

-Melissa

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review. I can see what you are saying about Cassie, and how it may come across as such. She is at that transition period in her life, somewhere between a girl and an adult. She has suddenly found herself in an adult world and is trying to show herself as mature when supporting her father, but yet she is also trying desperately to keep true to herself and what she wants. However, being only 16, she still falls under parental control, so when she doesn't get her way, a slight immaturity sets back in. I hope this explains it a little more. She will grow a lot as the story progresses. As I continue writing, I will keep your comments in mind.

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Review #15, by charlottetrips Prologue

11th May 2011:
O o o o o. I like where this is going! It's so well written with just the amount of detail needed to know what is happening but without going overboard. I so appreciate that in a writer!

I like Cassie and her family. I was thinking that her mum was a bit mean until you explained it further on.

I can't help but think that this pendant is very significant, hm? *waggles eyebrows*

And look! I got to review one of your lovely stories! :)

x Char

Author's Response: Ah yes...it is all about creating the mystery. I couldn't tell you too much just yet :P

Hehe, I can see why you would think Cassie's mum was mean, but it was more the situation at the time.

Thanks for reviewing. And if you continue reading, you might find out just a little more about the necklace...


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Review #16, by Kristen When My World Changed

27th April 2011:
ack! I love it! can't wait for the next update:)

Author's Response: Thank you. I will try and get a new update up as soon as I can

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Review #17, by electricfeel Prologue

21st April 2011:
Hi electricfeel here with your review.

Let me just start by saying this is such an original and interesting premise for a story. I find that more and more some writers are beginning to write about the political angle of the wizarding world and I really love that. Furthermore, I really like how you've not only addressed the political wizarding life, but you've approached it from a teenager's point of view.

Speaking of a teenager's point of view, your OC Cassie is very realistic. As someone who works in politics, I know that there is no way your average teenage girl would enjoy any of it. Whilst reading her I had to allow myself a little smile remembering some personal experiences of some politicians' children being thoroughly bored. The fact that I could relate to that shows that you have a very realistic character here, so I applaud that.

The villian of your story, Callum Lester, seems an interesting character. I would be careful that you don't just reproduce Voldemort and the Death Eater's here but it is early days yet for me to be saying that. I can see how it can go in many different ways and I find it really intriguing. And his plan itself is brilliant. I can't wait to see how that works out!

I did notice a few typos here and there. In the first few lines of dialogue I noticed a few commas or full stops were missing which should have come before the closing speech marks. It does seem to only happen at the beginning, after that it doesn't seem to happen again.

Overall, you do have a really promising start here to a story that clearly has a lot of potential. I hope this review was worthwhile and please, feel free to request again :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for you review. I'm really happy you like my OC. I have so much fun writing her and all the different aspects of being the Ministers daughter.

I like Callum. I've never written an evil villain such as him before. His agenda, back story and way of working is completely different to Voldemort, although ultimately, taking control of the Ministry is his ultimate aim.

Thanks again, your review was very worth while


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Review #18, by Precious Rin Prologue

16th April 2011:
The premise of this story sounds very interesting, and it was this that first drew me to your story. I did see a couple of typos. Also, your dialogue sounds a bit contrived and stilted, rather than the natural dialogue between mother and daughter. Your story has a lot of potential and I look forward to seeing where you take it.

Author's Response: Thanks so much. I'll have a look over the dialogue again and see what I can do. This idea has been with me for a long time, it's so good to finally have some of it in writing.

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Review #19, by Lily Windsor Prologue

11th April 2011:
I really really love the premise of this story. It is incredibly intriging and quite original. Politics in the Wizarding World is something that I find fascinating and so I love how you began this story with the Minister making his acceptance speech.

Cassandra is an interesting character and I think you have made her very realistic. I like how although she is trying to be the dutiful daughter and act in accordance to what is expected of her, that she still finds it hard to hide her true feelings from her parents.

The scene with Callum Lester was really interesting. I think he makes a great villain and you ended the chapter perfectly. I really am very interested in finding out what happens next. It is looking to be very exciting indeed.

All in all, I really enjoyed this chapter of what looks to be a very promising story and I hope you will update soon.

There are a few small typos that I picked up. Nothing too major but I thought I'd list them here for you so you could make changes if you wished:

- "until he become [on] of the top officers within the Auror Office" - [one]

- "She also quickly discovered just [] much she was going to be in the spot light." - [how]

- "any where [form] five to ten minutes long." - [from]

- "and into the [quiete] and empty offices of the Ministry." - [quiet]

- "was still [and] incredibly pretty up do" - [an]

- "She was sure a certain blond Slytherin was going to [take] make sure of that." - [delete?]

- "she hadn't [realise] just how attention Cassandra would get" - [realised]

"It had been gifted to [here] the day she was born" - [her]

"stood in his way and [ever] poll put them in the lead." - [every]

But great story :)

Lily xxx

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the amazing review. I will go through and fix all those typos.

I love Cassandra. She is very fun to write. She is full of individualism and spirit but yet she is also very loyal to her parents. This whole trait of hers is explored as the story progresses.

I also love Callum. I have never written a bad guy before and it is so enjoyable to put my head into the mind frame of an evil villain.

Thanks again for your review. It made me so happy xxx


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Review #20, by Akussa Prologue

5th February 2011:
Hi! Akussa from the forum,

I found this to be a very well written and engaging first chapter. You took your time to introduce the characters and some background and already we feel quite attached to Cassie.

The characterization is really good; I thought Cassandra's attitude rang true considering all the energy she put in this and I also really liked how you got her mother to understand and acknowledge that this life wasn't her daughter's choice.
I also want to point out that the Minister's speech was very well written and highly interesting; he would certaintly make a great Minister with ideas like this!!

Now onto the less enjoyable part of my review; here are some of the things I noticed through my reading that, I believe, should be modified in order to improve this story.

"one is sometimes rarely sure"; this has a strange ring to it, how can you be 'sometimes' and 'rarely' at the same time?

"She was wishing anonymity, for invisibility"; either change it to 'for anonomity' or take of the 'for' before 'invisibility'

“Cassandra” her mother scolded; there should be a coma after 'Cassandra'; this is actually an error that comes up many times throughout the chapter, you should check it over

“For one night, please just suck it up and show your father some support.; you forgot to close the " at the end of the dialogue

"the only sound the clicking of camera’s that carried on relentlessly."; that sentence sounds strange, I would suggest either 'only the clicking sound of cameras carried on relentlessly' or 'the only sound that carried on relentlessly was the clicking of cameras'

"moving himself up the ranks until he become on of the top officers within the Auror Office"; ... until he 'became one' (verb tense and then you forgot the 'e' at the end of 'on')

“I would like to thank you all for coming here today to welcome in a new era of leadership within the Ministry of Magic."; it feels like someting is missing in this sentence, I suggest look it over in order to determine what is missing

"The crowd erupted into applause as Carl steeped away"; 'stepped'

"before an aide led them off the stage and into the quiete"; 'quiet', no 'e' at the end :)

"She was sure a certain blond Slytherin was going to take make sure of that." there's an extra 'take' in there

“Yes, I do remember that little discussion quite well.” her mother said"; should be a coma, not a point

"It had been gifted to here the day she was born."; I would write 'given' instead of 'gifted'

"...with a piecing glance"; pretty sure you mean 'piercing'

"But Carl Hathaway, his lovely wife and pretty little daughter stood in his way and ever poll put them in the lead." 'every' poll...

All in all, this is a very good chapter; great idea, characters and flow. There are quite a few mistakes when it comes to sentence structure and grammar but nothing that can't be corrected with the help of a beta. Also, it doesn't take the reader's attention away from the quality of your story so do not worry about it too much.
I enjoyed this quite a lot, feel free to re-request when the next chapter is up!

Akussa

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review. I have gone through and made the corrections you noticed. I always seem to miss things like the ones you pointed out.

I'm really happy that you enjoyed the story and liked Cassie's characterisation. I've put a lot of effort into her and I can practically hear her inside my head.

I'm quite fond of the Ministers speech. I can't write normal speeches to save my life but I seem to have a knack for them in fan fiction.

Thanks again, and I will definitely re-request when the next chapter is up.


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Review #21, by TheProphecy Prologue

4th February 2011:
Hello,

Well, that was an extremely good opening. loved the first line in italics, it really draws the reader in and makes them want more.

I think you have an extremely good writing style, you incorporated sarcasm and humour into Cassie which i loved. I thought it gave her character.

Despite what Cassie felt about her fathers speech i thought what you showed of it was very well written, you could do well with inspirational writing. Just shows the mark of a true writer when they can do the hardest things like humour and inspiration well :)

I liked the development of Cassie throughout the chapter, i felt you have written her very well and especially in developing her resentment towards her fathers campaign.

I thought it was very good that you introduced Cassie then you introduced some completely different character and i also thought that you developed his thoughts and feelings well considering the small amount of the chapter he was in.

I really liked the cliff-hanger, trust me people will be coming back for more.

Overall i thought this was well written and i couldn't really find anything wrong with it so, well done. :)

TheProphecy

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the lovely review. I love the reassurance that I'm on the right track.

I've put a lot of time into developing Cassie, so much so that I can picture her clearly in my head. She is an interesting character with a lot of depth and I'm really looking forward to telling her tale.

I know Cassie hated the speech, but I am quite proud of it. I avoid speeches usually but for some reason I always seem to have to write them in my stories, and for some strange reason, they come really easily.

Thanks again. Your review really made my day.


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Review #22, by iamlilypotter Prologue

2nd February 2011:
Oh sinister ending! I like it very much :) Your writing is magnificent, please update soon! And I like Cassie, she seems like my kind of friend.

~Renee

Author's Response: Thank you. You're right, it is a bit of a sinister ending, but there is nothing like a cliff hanger.

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Review #23, by gingersnape Prologue

31st January 2011:
Hello, gingersnape from the forums, here at long last with your review!

So, I'm going to go through the chapter and point out things as I see them, and then I'll finish up with the usual spelling and grammar, pacing and flow, and then my overall opinion! Alright, let's get this show on the road!

Wow, so before I begin, I have to give you some points right off the bat for creativity! The family of the Minister is not something one often sees, and being someone who does try to follow politics, I felt like you did a very good job of showing both the glamour and the really rotten side of being a family member of a politician like that. I was really happy to see that, and not to mention I really love stories where people use the children of people they don't like to get revenge. Wow, that sounds creepy, but what I like about these stories is how much they make you think and how they really bring out the emotions that characters normally keep hidden! It's just so interesting I can't help but smile maliciously when I see one! Okay, onto the rest of the review before I need to put any more of my foot in my mouth? Fingers? Keys? Hmmm.

I think I want to start out with Cassie's character because I really like how she is shown in general. No CC on her, but I just wanted to say that I could see the potential for a really powerful character oozing out of everything about her. I think she'll be a lot of fun to develop and she's strong enough as of now that her kidnapping will be interesting in terms of how she reacts to it/fights it/tries to get away. I still don't know what will happen, so I am just guessing, but whatever happens I do want to see how she reacts to it!

While I'm going on about characters, I thought one of the best relationships you've got so far is the one between Alexis and Cassie. It seems that they are really close, but then at times they don't seem to be on the same page at all and are really distant. Again, no CC, but I do have to say that it's refreshing to see that Alexis isn't over endearing or pushing Cassie away, as usually mother-daughter relationships with the mother wanting something the doughtier doesn't necessarily want fall into those two categories. It's nice to see something like that play a role in this story, so I'll give you even more points for that!

I really don't have anything to say on the speech giving, other than your writing has an element in it that I can't place, but is somehow incredibly captivating. I'm not sure how to phrase it other than you have a way with words, so we'll go with that! :D

Oh my goodness, I like it! I like Callum! I like his plans! I like the maliciousness that is in him, but hiding behind such a seemingly charismatic person as Frost! French the Llama, I like it all! So, as I mentioned earlier, I read a lot of stories that deal with revenge and other topics that make you think using these ways of getting what they want done in ways that are not considered normal, moral, or socially acceptable in almost any way, and the key factor in them is having a good villain. They can't give everything away, they have to have a bit of arrogance, and they have to be well developed from behind the scenes. And Callum is a brilliant example of what these creepy, for lack of a better word, stories need.

At the beginning I felt like things were moving a bit slowly, but then when I got to the Callum bit at the end, I could feel my heart racing and the cliffie absolutely killing me, which made up for the borderline slow beginning. Wow, I really don't have much CC for this. I have a note on pacing, but that's it, so I guess onto spelling and grammar already? Would you mind giving me something to work with here and putting someone OOC or a Mary Sue, or something! :P

Spelling and Grammar: There were a few typos I noticed in the chapter, but I reread chappies four or five times before posting my reviews, so I don't think they would be a bother at all to normal readers who aren't carefully looking for something, anything, to point out. A quick run through of it (I read them backwards, or print it out, cut it up into blocks by paragraph, and look through them separately so I don't skip over things I would if it were all together) and you'd probably catch most of them, and the other 10% are probably things like misplaced commas that you'll only catch if you read it five times through searching for something to give some CC on.

Pacing and Flow: Pacing was a little slow at the beginning as I said *points up* there. Normally, that isn't really a problem, but one, I have nothing else to say, and two, having through a lot about Cassie and Callum and the chapter in general a fair bit, it would be a crying shame to loose readers because it all seems a little bit hard to understand at first. It was interesting and I think I would read the rest of the chapter after the first few paragraphs if I came across it and wasn't supposed to review it, because apparently I have to read the WHOLE chapter to review it, but I couldn't quite tell what was going on and I guess either a little bit more information on Frost or just adding a line or two in there to mention that maybe things might not have been great in the wizarding world, or when this takes place, because I couldn't quite tell would easily keep more of the readers who might sadly depart before meeting Callum. Hmm, I think what I'm saying is it's good and making the beginning a bit more clear in whatever way you choose, just something, would make it even better! Oh, and flow! That was also good! Not too choppy, nothing felt out of place, and it all came together nicely.

Overall opinion! I like this a whole lot! (Especially Callum! :P) It's original, you're a really good writer as far as the technical word choice goes, and you have really good characters! Feel free to rerequest for Chapter 2 in the thread, no form needed,

Have a wonderful day,
-ginger

Author's Response: I know I should I haveresponded to this ages ago, but I had to get my head out of the clouds so I actually wote words instead of random splutterings of incoherant sentences.

Thank you so much for such an in depth and complimentary review. When I came up with this idea, I never thought about how many stories were out ther about the Ministry and it's people, but I guess you're right that there aren't alot. This plot just came so I've run with it.

I'm relaly glad you are liking Cassie, I love her too and I'm having so much fun writing her. She is at that stage of still being a little under the influence of her parents but also just wanting to break free.

I love Callum too.oh how I love writing him and thinking of his wicked plots. He will come into the story a lot more as it progresses and you will get to know his back story and his agenda. He is so completely nasty but for some reason, he is also just so captivating.

As for everything else, I will have a read over the chapter and see what I can do to make it a little clearer and maybe add a bit more pace. And I will fix all the grammar and spelling issues.

So thanks again for the review, I have read it so many times and it always surprises me. I will definitely ask you to review the next chapter. I know you want to see more of Callum :D


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Review #24, by The Captain Prologue

29th January 2011:
Love the cliffhanger at the end! This is actually the first story I've read that has focused on the Minister and his family, surprisingly. I mean, there are so many movies and tv shows about this sort of thing, but yours is the first fan fiction I've read, so I commend you on your uniqueness.
Great first chapter! We're introduced to the characters, and the setting, while still having a little bit of drama, and a lot of promise. You still managed to fit in a bit of characterization, and I'm sure we'll see more later. Specifically, I'd like to learn more about Callum. Who exactly is he? What's his plan once he actually does take over the Ministry? Why does he want to do this? Did Liam Frost know he was being backed by such a sinister character? And finally, how exactly did the plan to rig the election fail?

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review, it really made my day. I'm not sure if there is anything out there on the Minister either, this just came to me one day, and hey, when the idea comes, you have to write.

Yes, Callum and his agenda is so far a mystery, I want to unravel him slowly. I've left a lot of unknowns about him to entice interest and heighten the mystery. I do, thankfully, know all the answers to the questions you asked and as the story unfolds so will the answers.

Thanks again, it's a relief to know that I am on the right track. The first chapter is so important.


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Review #25, by maskedmuggle Prologue

28th January 2011:
Hello! :)

I have to say, you exceeded my expectations with this! I really found this amazing! It was so well written, and the whole plot idea is fabulous! I love Cassie's character, and all that Ministry stuff has definitely been well thought out.

What I loved was how well written it was. And that ending sentence is just so intriguing. I really hope you write a second chapter soon, this has the potential to be a really good story! I really enjoyed this, loved it :)

-maskedmuggle / Charlotte :)
P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! :D

Author's Response: Yahoo...I got an 'E'.

I've had this story formulating in my mind for ages now so it's really awesome to get it on paper. Being totally OC, it presents a whole lot of new challenges but it's really exciting.

I'm really happy you liked the plot so far. i wanted to set up the scene and the life of Cassie and then also show the unknown danger that is waiting for her...hence the last line.

I'm happy you like Cassie. You hear so many people complain about Mary Sue's that I am worried I was going to fall into the trap. The reassurance is a good.

I have the second chapter written, I'm just finishing off uploading my other story (two chapters left) and then I will be able to put up chapter 2. So keep a look out.

PS...thank you for the birthday wishes


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