Reading Reviews for Sunburn
  
2 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Ronsgirl29 Sunburn

30th January 2011:
I really liked this! I read groove a while back and I was excited to see there was a sequel (:

It made me smile when she came up to him and said she had been thinking about him the entire time, too. Warms my heart. And the whole writing style of this is really cool, especially the fact that the characters have no names. It's rare to see that, but when it's done right (which you have of course) its pretty amazing!

10/10

Author's Response: I'm so glad you liked it! (and The Groove). These two one-shots, hopefully three one-shots if I can ever get past writer's block-are my babies and I am very partial to them so I'm glad you've liked them so far. I'm glad you liked the writing style! Sometimes I'm afraid it won't work as well as I'd like but I'm glad to see that you liked it. And no names seemed the best way to go with these two, haha. Glad you liked it. Thanks for the review!

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Review #2, by maskedmuggle Sunburn

22nd December 2010:
Hey!
Here to review from the forums.

First thought - simply wow. WOW. WOW! One of the best fics I've ever read about love! I've read a lot of fics with romance in it, but this is one of the best, because you convey the emotions and feelings of the speaker SO INCREDIBLY WELL. Really, simply superb. Your plot, characterisation is simply brilliant. So very well written. You use a lot of lovely words! By the way, this does indeed stand alone as a one shot very well. Now I'm curious to read the other one, and you know what? I think I will. :P

The rest of this review is mainly just punctuation… but don't worry, because even though there's quite a lot of punctuation problems, it didn't distract me that much, because I STILL LOVED THIS!
Lovely first line! You get right into it, really great. The second line is really long, but it instantly conveys what the fic is about. Adding in some commas would make it sound better, because right now it's a bit like, 'sentence and sentence and sentence and sentence'. Instead of what you have, maybe something like, "Eight fucking weeks since the last time I tutored her, the last time I smelled her, the last time I talked to her, and it’s been eight weeks since she kissed me and I kissed her back and felt more alive than I ever have in my life."

"I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t and then suddenly she’s interrupting my thoughts, coming into my line of sight again and this time she’s looking at me, determined about something-I can read her expressions so easily now-but instead of coming toward me she walks past but her fingers lightly scrape the arm of the chair I’m sitting in in the Common Room."
In this paragraph, if you change around a few of the punctuation, it'll make much more sense. "...determined about something - I can read her expression (SINGULAR) so easily now. But instead of coming towardS me, (Comma!) she walks past, and (if you use but twice in the same sentence it sounds repetitive and takes away some of the meaning) her fingers lightly scrape the arm…"

"...it’s in the way she she yawns in Transfiguration…" Repeated she. I'm sure that was just a typo!

"I’m walking down the corridor and thinking and tap tap tap tap tap tap soft but sure footsteps are behind me…" This sentence doesn't quite make sense. Maybe get rid of the taps? So that it's, "…and thinking, and soft but sure footsteps…"

You have a lot of long sentences. Mostly, they're great, reworded nicely, and gets across what you're trying to say. In many of them, however, commas are absent. Commas help make your sentence flow. Try reading aloud your fic, and usually where you stop, you need a comma. Example: "Thankfully I’m alone where no one can bother me and ask what’s wrong and even though I know they’re being courteous I fail to understand why people can’t just leave well enough alone and let me pace and think." A comma in the middle, after 'wrong', would instantly make it sound more like a sentence. And maybe just 'leave me alone' would make more sense?
In another example, in this long sentence, it would be even better to split it into two sentences: "I leave my room and go downstairs anyway because I have nothing else to do and I need to find something anything whatever I don’t care I just need to be distracted from thoughts of her but I know nothing can remove her from my mind." I would rewrite it like this, "I leave my room and go downstairs anyway, because I have nothing else to do and I need to find something, anything, whatever I don't care! I just need to be distracted from…" The exclamation mark also emphasizes the emotion of the speaker.

Once again, wow, seriously. I'm am so amazed at the wonderfulness of this fic! I think I'm in love! You know what? If you fixed the commas, long sentences, and made every sentence just right, this would be absolutely perfect. It's unfortunate you'll have to wait for the queue to reopen on the 5th of Jan before you can fix this all up, but I hope this helps in one way or another! And just really, let it be known that I truly loved this story, especially the emotions and feelings conveyed.

- maskedmuggle / Charlotte :)

Author's Response: Wow, thanks for such a long review! I'm so very glad you like this story as much as you do (I was beginning to think it must be terrible since there are no reviews on it but yours.) When I wrote the prequel to this, I was reading and writing nothing but fluff and I just needed a break from that, so that's where this came from! I'm glad you think it can stand on its own! But I'm also glad you've decided to read its prequel. And let's address the commas, haha. When I wrote the prequel, the style I used was more of an accident. I was just typing out ideas and then I liked the way they turned out, so I left them that way. I'm actually really obnoxious about grammar and I sometimes cringe thinking about all the grammar rules I've broken in this one-shot. Reflecting on it, I like mostly everything about it, but if I had gone back to change it, the things you pointed out were probably things I would have noticed and decided to change, so I'm glad we have the same thoughts as far as that's concerned. As for the 'tap tap tap' part, I think I'll put that in italics to convey it as what he's hearing rather than thinking. Just clarifying the comma thing, I don't want you to think I'm comma illiterate, haha. Some of my earlier works actually have way too many commas, so I've had to tone it down (and this one has too few). I'm really glad you liked the story so much though! I've become ridiculously attached to these nameless characters. Thanks so much for the review! It definitely put my style here into some perspective as far as my readers, so that's very helpful. (:

Sara


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