Sad that Malloy is still an arse but amazing story Report Review
Ron's so sweet. I love the way you portray Ginny, too. Hmm... I don't really have much in the way of suggestions for this one. Just watch that your tenses stay the same. Sometimes you throw in a bit of present tense when the entirety of your writing should be in past.
Yep. That seems to be about it. Only other thing in general is to make sure you read over your dialogue and make sure it is something that would actually be said out loud. Some of the exposition should be in the prose rather than included in what the characters actually say, even though you need to get it out there somehow. You can always just add a few more sentences rather than putting stuff in speech. ;) Report Review
I love that you focused in on how Draco telling her she was pretty affected her. It's true that she didn't have much attention from guys, and if someone handsome and desirable told her she was beautiful a girl in that position would be likely to make foolish decisions. A lot of people don't realize that I don't think.
This chapter was really good. You went into more detail about stuff, so it flowed well. I would read over it for grammatical errors and such, but that's pretty much it. Only thing I noticed was the age of consent comment. Would they not inform her parents since she isn't a legal adult yet? I'm honestly not that sure about the medical laws and all, though, so if I'm completely stupid here just ignore me.
On to the next chapter! Report Review
Draco's so gentlemanly. I don't know about the comment with Ron and Harry not being able to afford to pamper her though. With Ron, obviously it works, but with Harry I think most people know he was left a bit of money.
Next, when they're on the broom, Hermione is thinking about it being romantic and you say something about admitting though she'd never admit something or other... It's really confusing wording there. Oh, and who was she at Diagon with when shopping? Was she alone? This is the typical "where are the parents/adults" question you come across in short fiction. Even if they aren't present, you should address that so your audience isn't wondering where they are/how the characters ended up alone when they are still under age. :)
I really like the reveal that Draco is finally being himself, but again it seems rushed. The whole exposition and interaction seems like it needs to be more drawn out and have more detail. The broom needs more explanation too, since it seems unlikely to be well hidden from muggle eyes and that's a big no-no. It doesn't seem like Hermione would go from hating him to hugging his waist and whispering lovingly to him in just a couple hours, you know?
My only other issue with this one is that I don't know that Hermione would be that quick to have sex with him. It seems like he'd have to work his way up to getting her in the sack.
I love love LOVE that he turns right back into an ass though. It makes sense that you didn't put in a bunch of stuff about him being a changed man, but for the reader to believe that Hermione believes him changed, he needs to play it up better. He needs to really show that he's a different person, even though he really isn't. ;)Author's Response: Yes! Agreed, lol! I think I was just being lazy! I will prob have to add a few chapter in the beginning and have something happen where she begins to trust him. If she was that easy to pursue I'm sure her and Ron or Krum would have already bedded her a few times! :P Report Review
Okeydokey. First, I love how you got into Hermione's head with what she would be thinking about being pregnant and all. It seemed really honest, and I am guessing there was some personal experience thrown in there to help give it that honesty.
Next, you never mention her finding pants that fit. Dunno why that bothered me, but it did. I kept picturing her with open pants. Haha.
The sudden change in Draco and invite to dinner seemed... rushed. Or forced. Or something. I think there needs to be more leading up to that. It just is really hard to believe that suddenly he'd be nice to Hermione and even take her to an expensive restaurant. Something should trigger that. Which might mean adding another chapter or something. I'm not sure. But yeah. Something needs to explain the kindness from Draco and her willingness to go along... moreso than the dialogue. The conversation wherein she questions his motives doesn't seem like something someone would actually say, which makes it a bit awkward and unrealistic.
I definitely like that the waitress treats her differently than Draco. Little details like that are nice inclusions. You might want to go into more detail, though, about how she's feeling and what she's thinking and the like. This might be a good time to have some past situations brought up wherein Draco was less of an ass or something. Or where he was secretly feeling differently toward her. He could explain his bad behavior and how he really felt or something. I dunno, just an idea. :)Author's Response: Thanks so much! Awesome ideas! Definitely going to use them! I was feeling the same way about things, but I couldn't exactly figure out what was off! :) Report Review
Merlin's bierd! Not liking Draco at all, I normally Love him, and poor Hermione!!
Would Love to see something go right for Hermione! but really loving the story so far! |)Author's Response: Just stay tuned! :) I'm very glad! Report Review
thts it. awh it was getting good. ADD/MESSAGE: DracoXHermione4evaAuthor's Response: Haha, sorry! ;) Hope you don't hate me! Ok I will! Report Review
Good story!:) update soon!Author's Response: I'll try my hardest! Report Review
I think this is great!!! Please, please write some more quickly!Author's Response: I'll try! Christmas break is coming up, so I'll hopefully have a chapter up about that time! :) Report Review
I'm loving this...although your Draco kind of scares me! He's so cold...! xAuthor's Response: I'm glad you like it! :) Yes, he is quite cold. But maybe on the inside he's a big teddy bear...or maybe not... ;) Report Review
I loved this chapter. I really want to know how everyone finds out. Can't wait for the next chapter. Kinda feeling sorry for ron right now. Ginny's smarter than she looks. Glad to see you finaly updated.Author's Response: I'm so glad to hear that! I know, that should be fun, huh! Yeah, Ron is in a bad situation, poor guy! And yes Ginny knows more than she leads on. :)
Yes, sorry about the long wait! School is kicking my butt!
wow wow this chapter is very good !!!
write more !! keep me informed !!!Author's Response: Thanks so much! I will, promise! ;) Report Review
Yay, I think draco's horrible. Curse him, grrAuthor's Response: Since you said, "Yay" I'm guessing it's a good thing? :) Report Review
I just started reading your story and I really enjoy it! I tend to like cliche Dramione stories :) When I first started reading it and Malfoy was being abnormally nice to Hermione I was very confused because it was so OOC but then when Hermione awoke the next morning and Draco just told her "you're dismissed" I smiled mainly because he wasn't going to be OOC throughout the whole story :) When most people write stories like these Draco is really nice to Hermione and says that 'he loves her' within the first two chapters; you're story thankfully doesn't do that.
I can't wait to see what happens next! How is everyone going to react when they find out that she is pregnant? Spoilers! *places fingers on lips* (sorry, I had to have a DW reference in there somewhere, lol)
All in all, great story! Update soon!! Sorry for such a massive review!
** Jaz **
9/10Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! I saw how long it was and was like, "Yay!" :) I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far, and yeah the first chapter tends to throw people off a bit, lol! I already have a bit of that worked out in my head, and let me just say you'll want to stay tuned! ;) Report Review
Fantastic ... I absolutely cannot wait until Draco finds out he impregnanted her ... that will be priceless ... Looking forward to next chapters :D xxxAuthor's Response: I love how you put that. "Impregnated, lol." Thanks so much dearie! Report Review
i love your story and i would really like to see what happens next so you should continue to write. it shouldn't matter how many reviews you get just write the story.Author's Response: I'm aware of that. It's just nice to know that my story isn't a total dud, since I'm new at this. Thanks. Report Review
I eagerly await more.Author's Response: In queue! Report Review
I've never liked Malfoy.Did everyone just notice that Malfoy is an arse. Even in the real Harry Potter.BTW great amazing story full pointsAuthor's Response: Ahh, Malfoy is lovely in his own way! ;) Report Review
I've never liked Malfoy.Did everyone just notice that Malfoy is an arse. Even in the real Harry Potter.BTW great amazing story full points Report Review
DUDE HOW COULD YOU JUST LEAVE ME HANGING PLEASE MAKE MORE PLEASE IT'S SO GOOD OMG MAKE MORE YOU ARE A GREAT WRITER THIS ONE OF THE BEST STORIES ON HERE TWO MONTHS PREGNANT OMG!Author's Response: Aw, thank you very much! That made my day! :) I will be adding another chapter soon! Report Review
wow what a arse malfoy is im like so in love with him but if a guy or even him at that said that to me i would smack the living day lights outta them and kick them were there sun dont shine anyways u are a great writers and i cant wait till theres more keep it upAuthor's Response: Yeah, it's bittersweet love. He's a beautiful arse! ;) thanks so much! Report Review
OMG This is an amazimg, amazing story and I need more :D x Love it xAuthor's Response: So sweet! Thanks! Next chapter is almost completed! Report Review
Wow, keep writing and updating! :DAuthor's Response: I will! Thanks so much! Report Review
Ooohhh!!!:):):) AMAZING!!! update please!Author's Response: I will update ASAP! Thanks doll! :) Report Review
grat so far cant wait to keep reading it i hope you do!Author's Response: I will try to update soon! Thank you so much for the support! Report Review
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