This is AditiDraco95 from the forums finally here with the review you requested for!
Well, I must say, I've seen improvement in your writing from the previous chapter to this one, way to go! Keep writing and you'll be improving each time =)
There were of course quite some grammatical mistakes and punctuation and sentence phrasing errors but nothing that can't be fixed with some editing. So, you just need to brush up on that =)
The characters and the plot is also believable and the scene setting is realistic too, so good job on that!
Just brush up a bit more on Hermione's characterization, which I'm sure could be done along in the later chps as we slowly go forward and see her evolving.
Harry and Ron were provided were definitely described in a better way in this chp here, though a little more insight into their character would do you good. You could work on that in the coming chps.
The plot flow is well; the story is moving at a consistent pace, not too fast, not too slow, so good work on that too!
Although there are quite a few grammar mistakes and such which can be corrected easily, and which I won't point out, but there was one that I really felt like should be pointed out as it made me laugh; and it wasn't a laughing matter =P
"That was meant to be the end of it. They were supposed to go on with their lives, go back to Hogwarts, finish their N.E.W.Ts and graduate. Lead their lives, marry Ron…"
In the above para, you're speaking in plural ("they") throughout and you string the last sentence "Lead THEIR LIVES, MARRY RON" in that as well which surely turns out quite contrary to what it means. I presume it should be "Lead their lives, be happy with their significant other; She was supposed to get married to Ron, and Harry to Ginny." or something along those lines which would make a lot more sense!
You see how little grammatical mistakes actually break the impact of the story; so you need to be more careful for that =)
Rest, all in all, a much better and well-written chp. I'm sure you can still do loads better!
Hope I wasn't too harsh and was of help!
Thanks for dropping by!
P.S. I would rate this chp 8.5/10 which is fairly good I think =) Report Review
Hey! This is AditiDraco95 from the forums with your review!!
Well, firstly, let me say, your plot idea is very good. I like the jist of it all =)
Your ideas are pretty good and the story could come out even better if you could just carry out your narration more properly. There are a bit too many grammatical errors and sentence phrasing errors that need to be corrected. I suggest you get a beta to edit it all out for you 'cause the mistakes are there throughout the entire chp and it kind of dampens the story. Some corrections, imrovements, and finishing touches here and there, and then it would be much more readable! So I strongly advise you to get a beta to do this job for you =D
Moving on, your Characterization of Hermione is pretty realistic and that's quite good. The plot also flows nicely which is another good sign. However, the dialogues and dialogue delivery needs some improvement but I'm sure they can be taken care of by the beta, or if you yourself re-read through it and edited it out... overall though the scene setting is nice.
I also thing more insight is needed into Harry and Ron's character and their thoughts and their 'changes'. It would provide a lot more solid substance to the story if you improved on that. Also, despite of Hermione being written in a quite realistic way, I think more development of her character is still needed, though of course you could work on that in the coming chaps since she's the main character of the fic.
Overall, I must say, it was a well-written piece, and your plot has definitely interested me enough that I'll continue to read on your story. Good job =)
I would rate this chp 8/10 though after the suggested improvements, I'm sure it could be up for a 10/10.
All you need to do is find a good beta reader to do the grammar editing and improve on the other little pointers I mentioned above.
Also, in some places, the spacing is wierd, so you should re-read and correct that out; it would make the whole thing more readable.
All in all, a nicely placed story; Good work!!
I hope I didn't come off as too harsh, I was just trying to point out the improvements needed!!
Hoping i was of help, thanks for dropping by my review thread!
P.S. I only review one chp of a story, so if you want me to review the coming ones too, you'll have to re-request! Sorry if I offended you in any way and thanks for requesting once again!
~ADAuthor's Response: Thank you! I totally appreciate the critism, that's why I request for them after all, if it were perfecdt then there wouldn't be much point, I'm always looking to improve! So all of your points have been noted!
Thanks, and yes I will be re-requesting, thank you again! Melliex Report Review
Pacing: seems fine.
Grammar and Spelling: I did spot an awkward sentence: Hermione was stood in The Weasley’s small kitchen (was standing? stood in the?)
Also a run-on sentence: "There are four degrees that you can choose from, would you like to have a read of this pamphlet whilst I go and look for my daughters Pygmy Puff that apparently decided it wanted to climb into my bag this morning and has now gone walk about in the office. Excuse me”
Characterization: Harry doesn't strike me as the kind of guy to leave one of his loyalist friends to do his dirty work while he goes off chasing some girls. (Harry also doesn't seem the type to chase after other girls. His heart belongs to Ginny Weasley.)
Why would Hermione want to "become" a muggle? She already knows about muggle life as she has been raised that way. And why would you pay to become a muggle? How did she get all that gold anyway?
Details: From what I have read a galleon is equal to roughly 3 pounds (give or take a couple of knuts). Also I don't really see a difference between option 2 and option 3.
The story seems ok, but as I did mention it seems strange that Hermione would suddenly give up on her life, her ambition to change the magical world to be a no-one in the muggle world.
It would be interesting to see where it goes.
Love PepperAuthor's Response: Thank you for the review, all advice has been noted and as for Harry and Ron, they will be made clearer later on(: thanks again! Report Review
Hello! This is TenthWeasleyWriter from the forums, with your requested review. ^^
Firstly, let me begin by apologizing for making you wait for this review. It wasn't fair to you, and so I am deeply sorry for the delay. But let us not linger - onward we go!
Your story certainly has an interesting premise, and your plot is certainly not lacking in readability. I think that you know where you are going to go with this rather well, as an author in this stage of the story, and hope that you will continue on with it, because I want to know where you're going to take your readers next. :)
However, some of the characters seem a bit OOC to me, especially Harry as you have written him. This is just my opinion, but if this is something you want to strive for, I just suggest rewriting some of his bits and things to make him more canon. ^^ There was also a fair amount of grammar and editorial mistakes and things - have you looked into getting a beta? They are so helpful about things like this, and can help with the OOCness as well, if that's something that interests you. ^^
Thank you for submitting a request in my thread! Again, so sorry for the delay. Report Review
Hullo again from the forums and your requested review.
Though this chapter was shorter and was lacking any action, I think that this was definitely an important chapter to include. Without it, I think there would be a lot of holes in your reasoning and your story.
I understand how fame changes people but the characters are still OOC for me and I'm having a hard time being convinced of it all. Ginny doesn't seem to be one of the ones that would really change as well Harry; Harry HATED fame and HATED being recognized.
Some of the major issues I saw (run-ons and grammatical issues) have already been pointed out by a previous reviewer; I would consider your future justification and how you develop the characters.
Flashbacks to potentially Harry, Ron, or Ginny could include more and more of their canon selves being influenced by fame. It ultimately could be a really, REALLY good way to make it more believable for me as a reviewer. My best reccomendation for the future from this chapter besides editing and potentially a beta, I'd consider adding more details to a chapter.
Your chapters are pretty short at this point. Good luck as you continue on in writing.
LMW Report Review
Hi there, LMW from the forums with your requested review.
First off, I'd just like to make the point that I think you have a really interesting perspective going on here and I'm curious to see where you would take it. That being said, I don't think that the summary really intrigues a reader. I'd consider getting help to write a better summary.
Some of the major grammatical issues have already been pointed out by other reviewers. Other important things to remember are to include puncutation for when you refer to "Mrs Lynn." Also, you forgot some puncutation when you talked about Ron doing dialgoue about the "shindig."
Your pacing is a bit fast but you include details of what Hermione does but you could make it longer and more interesting by adding dialgoue between Hermione and an ice cream vendor for example. You also could add some more of Hermione's thoughts or things she observes in Diagon Alley.
Ron being OOC bothers me simply because it just tends to be a choice that most authors make but it is your own personal space. Harry is unbelievable for me in this chapter and seems out of character whenever you refer to him.
I would also consider the vocabulary you give especially when Ron and 'shindig.' It doesn't seem to me that Ron would use such a word. These are just a few suggestions I'd give.
LMWAuthor's Response: Hey thanks for the long review (:
I know Ron and Harry seem OOC but hopefully that MAY be cleared up in the next chapter?
And I'm planning on editing these when chapter 3 is up so I'll deffinately change "shindig" because I realise now that it's a word that you wont know or understand if you're not from near where I live in the countryside in the UK ahaa :')
Mel x Report Review
Hi firefly from the forums with your long overdue review :)
Wow, that is such an interesting and unique plot idea.
I love it!!
The way you wrote it didn't make it seem unrealistic either.
That may be because you've used Hermione as your main character and as she is a rational thinker she would only do something that would be entirely realistic.
Did that make sense?
I really liked how in the beginning you laid out the reasons for her making the decision she does at the end. Hermione isn't the kind of person who would act as Harry and Ron's personal assistant, she is a fiercely independent person.
This story definitely has potential, I am really intrigued as to what is going to happen. There are so many ways you could take it.
I see that chapter 2 is up, I shall be reading that when my review backlog is cleared.
Really good and intriguing first chapter, well done :)Author's Response: Hey, thank you for such a lovely review (: and thank you for offering to look at chapter 2, but I'll request it in your thread officially (: thanks hun
Mel x Report Review
Well things have changed, to say the least! This chapter is well done, it gives a more in-dept explanation of how and why Hermione made her decision. The chapter fills its objective and that is a great thing.
I have to say that I cannot imagine Ron and Harry changing that much but that does not mean I judge your idea. I consider that you've proven your point and given explanation as to why they changed that much and admit that people could change after going through what they went.
This chapter was great in that sense that we now feel what Hermione went through and are ok with her decision to move onto the muggle world. I think it could turn out to be a relief for her and although I can't see it working in the long run, I think it will be very interesting to read.
Great job on this chapter!
Akussa Report Review
Hi again! :) Thanks so much for replying to my review so quickly.
I'm quite happy you included this chapter - it's more of a filler - but I think it was really needed. I like your reasoning behind Hermione's choice. It makes sense. It's sad, but it happens all the time. Fame, glory and money do have a nasty habit of changing people for the worst. I thought that was very clever of you.
"Hermione, just reply to this for me?
Hermione, Ginny and Lavender coming over tonight can you book yourself a room Leaky Cauldron for tonight?
Hermione, I was wondering if you perhaps had time to go over my progress report for Billy, he’s up for his review this week and I don’t want to seem stupid!
Hermione, can you just go and get my dress robes from Madame Malkin’s today? I’ve got to go and cut the ribbon for the new Potter/Weasley Medicine Centre in Chester.
Hermione, all this fan mail needs replying to and Harry and I have plans with the girls tonight, you wouldn’t mind would you?
Hermione, can you write me a letter to Flitwick and ask if he’d consider letting me be the DADA teacher? I would but I’d make a right prat of myself.
Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, HERMIONE!" --> I loved this! It perfectly captured the new people Harry and Ron became, and Hermione's growing anger and frustration towards them. I'm surprised she hasn't snapped at them yet and given them a good piece of her mind! They certainly deserve it. Which means you've gotten me feeling bad for Hermione! All signs of a good writer. :)
There were a few grammer mistakes again, but much less than the first chapter. Good for you!
Ron I have to leave now. --> There needs to be a comma after Ron.
Harry too had changed but this suited Ginny perfectly, she had been overshadowed by six older brothers her entire life so to be able to not only be friends with The Boy Who Lived And Who Also Managed To Slay The Guy That Killed Him Twice but actually date him as well, that was a dream come true for her. --> There should be a comma after Harry and another comma before had. After perfectly, there should be a semicolon instead of a comma. The sentence is a bit run-on, as well. Maybe change it into two setences?
Hermione, Ginny and Lavender coming over tonight can you book yourself a room Leaky Cauldron for tonight? --> I think you missed 'are' between Lavender and coming. ;) A comma before 'can' is needed.
I really liked this chapter, all in all. I didn't enjoy how you used Lavender, though. It just seems like Lavender is always being used when Ron's not with Hermione. I mean, I think the dude's sixth year scarred him enough, you know? xD That's really just a personal preference, though. I see how Lavender would be instantly attracted to Ron's fame, and take advantage of it. Apart from Lavender and the grammer errors, that's really the only critique I have for you. ^_^ Kudos to you for that; you're improving already!
Feel free to re-request once you have the next chapter posted, or for another story of yours. :) Just please remember I won't get around to it until you respond to this review. Thank you for requesting, and I hope to see you around.Author's Response: (: Hey again, and no, thank YOU for getting around to doing this review so quickly! My reply was a little large last time and I'll try to keep it to the minimum... try!
Again very in-depth and very helpful, seriously you're a great reviewer!
I'm really happy you found this chapter good, and you thought the justifications were realistic that's what I was aiming for and I'm glad I seem to have achieved that.
"'m surprised she hasn't snapped at them yet and given them a good piece of her mind!" Yeah, it took a lot to make her blow but when she did she really did do the ultimate thing to get away from them, change worlds...
Yay, less grammar mistakes! Go me *claps* I'll probably edit those out some time soon maybe after I put chapter 3 up which I will without a doubt be re-requesting (;
The Lavendar thing was simply because I knew it would be one of the main things that would send Hermione over the edge because Hermione hated her so much in 6th year.
Thank you, seriously these reviews have helped a lot and even thought they had some critisms in them I still was thrilled because it showed that you really read them and took notice so thank you, you've made my night! (:
Hello Melliex! I hope you are well. I'm lizzacc from the forums here with your review. Thank you for requesting, and I'm sorry it took me so long to get around to it.
A very original idea you have here! ^_^ I can see you took some time to develop and such. It actually seems very canon, and I appluad you for that. The only thing is, I see this only being used by purebloods and maybe halfboods. Hermione, as a Muggle-born witch, could simply go live in the Muggle world any time she wanted, couldn't she?
I'm a bit iffy on Hermione's reason and the characterisation. In the books, we see Harry and Ron trying to get Hermione to do their homework and such for them, but it never really works out. Only if they put her in a good mood does she look through their essays for them. She's capable of saying 'no'. And it seems a bit OOC for Ron and Harry to take advantage of her that way. It works as being the reason, though it does seem unlikely to actually happen. :)
On the more CC side of things, you could work a little bit on your grammer and formatting. To show a flashback, for example, you don't have to use "..." to show that. All you really have to do is put the flashback in italics and the reader will understand. (: It just makes the chapter a bit more neater and cleaner.
"Oh, well if you and Harry HAVE to go out and leave me here to do all of you work whilst you Harry go out frolicking with 17 year old girls then fine by me.” --> I think this sentence needs another comma somewhere. It's very Hermione- the sort of almost run-on sentences she says in her anger - but it reads a bit awkwardly. Also, numbers over ten should be spelled out. It's not a rule per say, but many readers prefer it.
"...then it was Ron’s evaluation report on his new sectary..." --> I think you meant to write 'secretary' instead of 'sectary'.
"Further details are available if you should wish them just owl Jenny Lynn, Magical Transference Department, Ministry for Magic, London." --> I think that should be 'Jennifer Lynn'. Full names are usually used for pamphlets and other things like that. Just a thought, though. :)
“There are four degrees that you can choose from, would you like to have a read of this pamphlet whilst I go and look for my daughters Pygmy Puff that apparently decided it wanted to climb into my bag this morning and has now gone walk about in the office. Excuse me”. --> A very run-on sentence. Instead, you could have "Would you like to have a read of the pamplet whilst I go and look for my daughter's Pygmy Puff? Apparently, it decided to climb into my bad this morning and has now gone walking about in the office." Also: 'daughters' should have an apostrophe in it to show possession and I believe 'walk' should be 'walking'. Remember a period will always be before the quotation marks. ^_^
I recommend getting a beta. They take care of all the grammer errors and just generally make a chapter seem more clean.
I'm very eager to see where this story goes. I actually have no idea what's going to happen next, which doesn't happen often, let me tell you. :P This story has potential and I think with a little clean up, it could be rise to its full potential. :)
As a reminder, I will go and review the next chapter of your story once you reply to this review. If you would like another review from me for future chapters, feel free to re-request once they're posted. ^_^ Good luck with your writing, hun, and I hope to see you around!Author's Response: Hey! I'm good thank you (: and thank you for such an in-depth review it's really helped and I'll probably edit this chapter now and re-post it so that it does read better because after all the first chapter is critical to people reading on!
As for "Hermione, as a Muggle-born witch, could simply go live in the Muggle world any time she wanted, couldn't she?" Well I believe she couldn't. I believe that magic has been part of her life for such a long time now that she is as dependent on it as any Half-blood or Pureblood would be and would find it just as diffuicult to convert back to a life with no magic and this way she also has no option to sneek in a spell here or there... like a new years reevolution to give up chocolate that you went through the chocolate police to make sure you didn't cheat.
Also; "And it seems a bit OOC for Ron and Harry to take advantage of her that way. It works as being the reason, though it does seem unlikely to actually happen." You'll see in the next chapter more of the reasons and such that is all fully explained and hopefully convincing enough and yes, I had to take Ron OOC to make this fic work but hopefully with the justifications I've used it'll seem somewhat plausable (:
Thank you again for such an in-depth review and I'm glad that you don't see where this is going I know how hard that it to achieve.
Melliex (: Report Review
I have to say you wrote this wonderfully! I loved the real emotions and obvious resentment Hermione has.
I thought it was a nice twist you brought Lavender in to it..urgh though in my (very canon based) opinion I never thought Ron/Lavender would happen again.
I can see how you could manipulate Ginny being over-shadowed to have her encouraging her fame but I think that she was hermione's best female friends, I can't see her just letting Hermione be walked all over.
But that being said I love everything else, I think you are doing wonderfully. Don't give up!!!
Hannah x (8/10)Author's Response: Hey!
Thank you for the review! I did try my best to capture the real emotions Hermione would be feeling and I drew from real life experiences of feeling like I've been taken advantage of. I know that it seems (even to me when I wrote it) that Lavendar would be unlikely to be with Ron but hey Ron's turned evil and mean and stuff *sulks* so why not be with someone that's evil and mean and stuff? Perfect match (:
Ginny... well I personally didn't think they were THAT close in the first place because yes they are the only two main girls in the books and it is all from Harry's perspective but I just felt that they were friends... not besties... I just felt that Hermione didn't really like female comany in general so making Ginny not really give a hoot was pretty easy for a person who didn't really think they had a strong friendship in the first place.
Thank you for the lovely review!
Melliex Report Review
First of all, you need to put a real chapter summary to let readers know whats going on (and it looks neat!).
There are a few misspellings in here, have you considered applying for a beta? They could help with grammar and spelling, as well as general plot issues.
I think there are a few things you might want to look at: like the reason Mrs Lynn leaves Hermione to read the paper. It would be a lot more realistic if she just sent Hermione into a waiting room to read it!
I like the idea of witches or wizards being able to leave the wizarding world and join the muggle world! It's very interesting and imaginative! I'd be interested to see a little more description and to know how Hermione is feeling about the whole thing. Keep writing!Author's Response: Hey! (:
I know I need a beta, I'm hopeless at proff reading my chapters I'm usually good with grammar and I'm really good at noticing when others get it wring but can never seem to find my own mistakes which sucks for this (and when handing in Alevel coursework!)
The next chapter explains the reasons behind her decision in more detail...
And yes, I think it's a nice thing that it's open to all whiches or wizards (above 17) no matter what blood-status (wouldn't it be funny for a Pureblood who'd never seens a kettle before!)
Thanks again for the lovely review (:
Melliex Report Review
wow this was a really interesting take! i have never heard of this idea before so its really original so props on that because its not always easy to think up something new. the only thing i found out of place was a word in the first sentence it should say hermione was standing.. not stood. but other then that it was a great beginning and had a lot to the first chapter. i rather enjoyed the idea of the 4 different options and that they could come back and get their powers at any time. great job.
Operation: Green with EnvyAuthor's Response: (: Why thankyou, this is a really nice review and made me smile lots ^^)
Melliex Report Review
this is an amazing concept, well done. I love the detail of the magical community, and the effort you put in in conveying this 'new' part of the ministry, i only hope that you can somehow bring 'back' or reignite the friendship theme somehow. If these were original characters it would seem very plausible that she would have had enough, but it doesn't seem so at the moment when you think about what these characters have been through for the past 7 years.
I cant wait 'tillyou finish it, one if my fav on here, cant wait to read on :)Author's Response: (: Thank you, I know it doesn't quite seem very plausable right now but for what I've got stored later will hopefully make it seem more realistic and I'm not saying anything about whether they become friends again (;
Thank you again!
Melliex Report Review
This is really unique :) I like the idea of Hermione deciding to go into the muggle world and how you pull this off will be interesting to see. You've clearly put a great deal of thought into the whole process of transferring and it makes it seem really canon. Well done!Author's Response: Hey (:
Thank you, I thought about what I could do, and I thought going through the Ministry would be the best way to handle it :)
Thanks for all the lovely things you said :)
Melliex Report Review
Hey dearest, Akussa from the forum with your long overdue review... I first want to apologize to you about the delay; life got crazy in the past few weeks and I couldn't get to doing the promissed reviews.
Now on to the interesting stuff, the actual review! Well, this is an original idea; not the first time I see it being explored but the way you present it, with the process she has to go through, that is the original part.
It isn't all that engaging though, so far. It's good just not over-the-top great. I think the problem is that it is not really believable right now; the emotional level isn't powerfull enough and the chapter lacks a bit of detailing. Adding more details would also help slow down the pace of this chapter; it sometimes feel like you are trying to cram too much information in as little words as possible! Take your time, breathe and allow your story to deploy its wings.
Like I said, it's a good idea, originally written and gerat potential for a story but it could be better should you wish to improve it.
Let me know when chapter 2 is out, I'd love to read it and see where you are going with this!
AkussaAuthor's Response: Hey, no problem, RL is more important any day! (:
I hear what you've said and I see where you're coming from, I just kinda wanted to get that first process out of the way or it would have taken me 2-3 chapters and I felt that would be boring and I want to focus on other happenings (:
I will slow it down though and let it progress on its own
Thanks for the adivce and praise, always wanted :')
Melliex Report Review
Hello there, krissyanne426 from the forums here with your requested review!
This is such an interesting idea for a story! I've of course read stories where Hermione just leaves the Muggle world, but never where she quite goes about it like this. It's a really interesting idea that there is a steaddy stream of wizards that leave the wizarding world because there would have to be for that woman to have a consistent job.
I definitely think that there is potential here. You could write a really great story and this is a great opening. There were a couple of errors here and there that having a beta would eliminate, but nothing horribly distracting. You're a good writer and your writing is enjoyable, so keep going!
Krsiten=]Author's Response: Hey (: Thanks for such a lovely review :') and yeah, in this fic it is quite common for a witch or wizard to give up magic forever or (as stated) as litte as 6 months... just to perhaps take a break or... well you'll see (:
Melliex Report Review
Hmm, this was interesting. I've read a few things that have explored Hermione and her decision to give up magic, but I've never seen anyone take it to this level. Like with giving up her wand and everything. It was all very legal. I liked that you thought that through and added it in. I would have never thought that there'd be such a process to it so it was interesting to read! Well done(:Author's Response: Thanks, I thought that making it all seem legal would make it seem more real and authentic. I have realised that I do need to focus on the emotional side aswell though :')
Thanks for the review, very much appreciated!
Melliex Report Review
Hi, it is strawberrydarhling from the forums here with your review :)
I think I am in an emotional mood today because when I got to the end of this chapter I felt like crying, which is rare because I only normally cry at films :)
And you know, this story isn't totally believeable and it isn't perfect, but somehow it works and it has left me wanting more.
I would suggest getting a beta to just clean things up a bit and if you work hard on the changing into a muggle and a reason for Hermione running away then this story could be really, really good.
Please re-request when you have the next chapter up because I would love to read some more of this.
strawberrydarhlingAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks for the review!(:
Yeah, in the next chapter I'm going to focus on the emotional decision and such things that forced to this conclusion. I think that's what I need to do to take this story forward and to help the readers understand her personal choice
Melliex Report Review
First I want to say that this is quite original. I've never heard of a story quite like this before. That being said, I am a bit confused. Why does Hermione want to become a Muggle? That's seems like escaping, but she doesn't seem like the type to escape from trouble. I think you want to clarify that part.
Also, you said "was security probed on" I don't think that you can say "security probed" you would have to say "Prodded by a security probe" or something along the lines of that.
I might slow down the pace of the story. I feel a bit like you flit past important parts. Just describe more and the story will become longer.Author's Response: Hey (:
Thank you for the review. As for what you said; I know right now her motives for leaving seem very vauge but as the story develops the reason for her leaving will become clearer, I think I'll have add an A/N to tell people that because I have a feeling some people will feel this way.
As for the security probe part I think that it's all the same context and therefore holds the same meaning, people will still understand what I meant, I hope!
I really do appreciate the review and I'll take your advice and slow it down a little (:
Thanks a bundle Melliex Report Review
I noticed on the forums you said you couldn't get yourself happy so I thought maybe a review might cheer you up :D I am glad i did! I really like this idea.
I think that the plot idea is good, you have Hermione's character written well. I liked the idea of the options she had. I liked Ron's character, though I'm not sure that maybe Harry would let Hermione become practically their secretary but it works with the plot. :)
I thought it was fairly believable and well written. Your last line was good, a brilliant cliff-hanger! I really enjoyed it. :D
Hannah :)Author's Response: Awww, thanks you! You're too sweet (:
I like that you like the story, it is my first so... I'm seeing how it goes (: Report Review
Hi! You definitely have an interesting idea here! I'm not sure if all the canon is accurate, in that Hermione could probably just live amongst Muggles if she felt like it, no need to give up magic like that or go through a department. But I like that you made up something new.
There's a lot of time spent on explaining her move to being a Muggle, but I think what's important is her feelings about being forgotten next to Harry and Ron. You could emphasize those parts more :) Emotions and what not. You needn't go into too much detail about the actual process about being a Muggle.
Hope this helps some!Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for the review.
As for the points that you raise, when writing it I did think that maybe she wouldn't do this. But then i remembered that to be fair she had been very involved in the wizarding world for nearly 10 years (as this is based when she is 20-21, which will be stated later on). Therefore I felt that she really wouldn't feel at home in the Muggle world because even when she had the opertunity to be in the Muggle world (in the summer) she chose to stay at The Weasley's.
Also, with the thoughts and emotions about being seconds best and left out by Ron and Harry I decided that to go into great depth about all the emotions and whatnot in the first chapter would perhaps bore them and instead focused on a plausable Ministry programme she would join. The betrayal she feels about Ron and Harry will all explode in chapter 3/4 (:
Hope that might have cleared it up a bit? But thanks for the review! (: Report Review
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short story collection