I love the imagery you used in this one-shot! It's brilliant. The end is especially interesting. That last sentence really packs a punch. I'm really looking forward to reading more things like this.Author's Response: Wow, thanks for all the lovely reviews! I hope you enjoyed reading and I really love this one-shot. Owen was fun to write.
LMW Report Review
Hi, Aderyn from the forums here for your review. For some reason, it's not connecting this to my HPFF account, even though I'm logged on, but it is me.
I really like this story. I think it's a nice one shot about a character who wasn't mentioned much in the HP books. He seems almost like an OC in that you can make up any future for him.
Eleanor is a very sweet character in this story. She's strong and supportive of her father.
I also like the conversation that Owen has with Harry. I like that neither Harry or Owen make a big deal about it. Owen doesn't act all star struck around Harry, they just act like two nervous fathers.
Overall, a nice, touching one shot that was very enjoyable to read.Author's Response: Sorry to here that HPFF is doing that to you...odd.
It was a really great challenge to enter; made it easy to really work with something that was in the books. The only guideline (for my minor character at least was his placement--Gryffindor).
I'm glad you liked and I'm glad to see that it worked itself out. Thanks for the review! Report Review
Hello again! :)
Requested review, here I am!
Wow. Yet again, I enjoyed the read immensely! I think what strikes me in this second piece is that you have a theme in your fics. The first one was about ginger, and this one is about birds, and about flying. The metaphor seems very accurate.. especially this line, "His little bird was ready to leave the nest, but he wasn't ready to let her fly." Great sentence that really captures what Owen is feeling.
Again, I didn't find anything majorly wrong, so nitpicky time! Don't worry, this one's shorter! Just three, sorry four things to comment onů
- "Make sure that Zinny gets plenty of exercise, Molly needs to be brushed daily, and Daddy, please, for my sake, go on a date." This is what the daughter, Eleanor says at the beginning. Later, Owen says that Eleanor is the oldest and youngest.. so are Zinny and Molly pets, or what?
- "I can't believe she is already to go to school."
Sounds strangely formal to me. And instead of already, should be.. "I can't believe SHE'S all ready to go to school."
- "You will be fine. Write me soon."
Instead of 'you will' you'll? Words without contractions often seem more formal.. and usually father/daughter interaction is cautious/respectful, but not formal. And maybe it's because I'm Australian but I think "Write TO me soon." just flows better.
- "Try having three kids in school; I can't even believe that I am old enough to have a Fourth, Third, and now, First year." Owen gave a smile of his own.
Since you don't really name the man as Harry Potter until the end, the conversation between the two is a little sketchy. I get what they're talking about, but who is saying who could be a little clearer. In that sentence, if you read it on its own, it sounds like Owen is saying that, but it's actually Harry. Maybe just tidy up the dialogue a bit?
Formatting. The big gaps between each paragraph/line of dialogue is a bit distracting. A bit of personal preference though.
Okay, so I enjoyed the read! As I said, the bird and flying thing was a great idea. Including Harry Potter was nice as well. The conversation was pretty well written. Nicely written! I liked it! This review's not as long as the other one, but it's still quite lengthy, but I hope it helps! Thanks for requesting!
- maskedmuggle / Charlotte :)Author's Response: Hi Charlotte!
Yeah I'm a themed girl...I really prefer for my own sake to have a guiding undercurrent and themes seem to do the thing for me ;).
I'm glad you liked that sentence--it struck me as a make or break the story kind of sentence. I went back and took some of your suggestions to heart. I cleaned up the convresation a bit and tried to add some clarity by changing some of the dialgoue. However, the formality was there for a reason in some cases. Owen got formal because he was not quite sure how to be casual about letting his daughter go. I hope that makes sense ^_^
And I reformatted using the simple editor. I hope its cleaner now. And thanks for the review!!
Lindsey Report Review
That was adorable! Oh...I am hear to dish out a review! One thing though is that James and Albus are one year apart and Albus and Lily are two years! It was short, sweet, and too the point! Great Job!
-KattiaAuthor's Response: Oh thanks! And I fixed the mistake. Thanks for pointing it out!
-Lindsey Report Review
I really enjoyed this. I was a sweet little fic about letting go and all the things that go with that. I liked the way you incorporated Harry. He wasn't obtrusive to the meaning of the story.
Very good job!Author's Response: Thanks. Good to hear that Harry just aided the story. Report Review
Awww. :) Lovely. This was such a unique approach to the challenge!
First off, though, I AM A FORMAT FREAK, and the spaces are uneven... ^^; The advanced editor tends to be the culprit behind this. I'd suggest that edit this using the simple editor and even out the spaces. (You can still submit new chapters to the queue while old ones are being read for edits.)
"...and daddy, please, for my sake, go on a date." This was one of my favorite lines. :) I love Eleanor.
The whole convo with Harry was great, too - I love seeing major charactes used as minor characters. It's an interesting shift from the standard story.
Loving the bird metaphor, but I'd suggest you start it from the very beginning. Maybe you could describe her hair as "feathery" or have her "trill"/"chirp" something. I love extended metaphors, and I think it'd work really well with the overall image of Eleanor. :)
Owen seems so frail, in a way. :/ Poor guy. I'd like to see his character developed a bit more - what does he like to do? How did he grow up? Was he a quiet kid? Does he remember Harry from their school days? (I think he started at Hogwarts a few years after Harry.)
Overall, this was fantastic. You really twisted the prompt and used it to create a fresh, original piece. Congratulations and thanks for entering! Ta ta!Author's Response: Thanks for the review; I'm glad you enjoyed. I tried to do the formatting several times and honestly, I couldn't get because trust me, it annoyed me too.
Eleanor was a little dear to write. She kinda was inspired by a little neighbor girl.
The metaphor was just supposed to be about the whole scearnio, not for Eleanor but I like the idea of extended metaphors as well.
Owen is frail in a way. He has put his entire existence into being a dad the past few years so thats the only identity he knows. And as far as a character goes, this is just supposed to be a little window into a character. He may be someone I come back to play with and such.
Thanks for the review, angeless7fallenstarsong. Report Review
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