Hey moonbaby11. :)
It's difficult to comment properly on only one chapter of a story that's meant to be multi-chaptered, especially such a short chapter, but here is what I did notice: description.
That's what really stood out to me in this chapter. Your description was really detailed. You used an interesting variety of adjectives and verbs. Overall, it was easy to picture the scenery and what was happening as the girl walked around.
Furthermore, the description really lent a certain mood/atmosphere to the story. There was a dreamy, almost melancholy feel to it. You're off to a nice start here.Author's Response: Hey Alo! :) Thanks for the review, and I'm glad that you liked my description. I was a little worried that it woudl be too wordy, so thanks for the reassurance. Report Review
What a lovely prologue! It's very well written, and it's not that confusing. Obviously I don't know exactly where Alice is right now, but I would say some dream like state, and judging from the title, she's locked inside this world in her head.. or I could be completely wrong in which case I'm going to wait for you to update and keep on reading!
Anyway, this is very well written, I love the all the descriptions that really make the place sound like some wonderful meadow. An enjoyable read! :)
- charlotteAuthor's Response: Yeah, that's basically what's going on right now. I'm glad that I wasn't too confusing, since I thought I made the chapter a little vague. I'm glad that you liked it! Yay for the snowball fight! :) Report Review
This is so beautiful. It's so haunting, so sad, so well-written. At first I was going to comment on how you tend to use shorter sentences rather than complex ones and how it can somehow disrupt the flow of a story, but in this one, I really think it works. Alice has an unstable mind, and I think you have shown this perfectly through writing. I think it is also shown by her thought process: it's very innocent (which shows that she might have 'forgotten' her maturity), for example talking about flowers and the meadow and laughing about it all makes her seem very childish (like when she gives Neville the sweet wrapper in St. Mungo's in book 5). It also works with the mention about Frank: girls that age (the age Alice thinks she is) still believe about the boys they see in fairy tales - the 'tall' and 'handsome' ones.
I think you have done a really, really good job with this. I think it shows Alice's mindframe perfectly. Well done.Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review! I'm glad that you enjoyed this and think that it is well-written. I'm glad that I captured her curiousity and innocence well. :) Happy holidays! Report Review
This is a great start: very intriguing! I have a theory about what's going on, but I'm probably wrong so I won't say what it is. I'm looking forward to finding out what happens next! I love the way you write Alice. She is so carefree and happy, even though she has no idea what's happened to her. You still manage to give her some personality which is impressive when she doesn't even remember who she is.
I absolutely loved your descriptions, especially the line 'Its petals fold in at her touch capturing her index finger'. I really felt like I could picture the scene very clearly.
Merry Christmas!Author's Response: I was a little unsure about if people would like this or not, so it was great to recieve a review on this! :) I'm glad that you liked the way I wrote Alice, and I'm curious about what your theory is. Anyways, thanks for reading. Merry Christmas to you too! Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection