aw this is very sweet! I loved how you ended this fic and I have to say you're a geat writer!^_^
Harry and Ginny Report Review
Ak, this is a great start for this fic! you got me interested in reading more of this and now i'm going to check the 2nd chapter!^_^
Harry and Ginny (Sofia from TDA) Report Review
I really like Kristin!(: (sorry if I spelled the name wrong, I always get that mixed up) but anyways, I think she is a rather bit spunky and has a bit of attitude, I like her :P Can't wait for the next chapter(:
(I hope this isn't abandoned, cause I haven't really checked if it's a WIP or not... I had to say this because the last story I reviewed on was abandoned and I kept saying 'I can't wait for the next chapter' and the guy was sort of mad because I didn't check...I just felt like putting that :P haha)
GOOD STORY :D CAN'T WAIT(: Report Review
Hullo :D I love this story, big fan of Kris/Albus but it got sort of hard to read when there weren't spaces in between the words, so I had to actually seperate it, but a hyphen should do the trick(: And I'm sorry if I seem like one of those annoying reviewers that correct your story, I know how those feel. I have a story out too, and I have countless remarks about my grammar and stuff like that, so I hope I wasn't too bad.LOVED THE STORY :D Next chapter(: *Sorry for rambling :P Report Review
You've got some spacing issues goin' on in the first couple paragraphs. I dunno what's up with that - it doesn't ruin the story, of course.
He looked around for anyone he recognised, so he could tell them that he was leaving, when he spotted a redhead. Al made his way towards it and shouted, “Oy! Red!” hoping someone from his humongously huge family would respond, considering so many of them were redheads.
“Yes?” came about forty-two simultaneous replies, none of which Al recognised.
Already, this story is making me chuckle. It's the perfect balance of humor - not so much that I'm overwhelmed, not too little that I'm bored. Thank goodness!
“All those curves, and me with no brakes.” Al blurted out in what he hoped was a sexy voice.
Ahahahaha, I LOVE ALBUS! He's my favorite Next Gen. character. Actually, I think he's just my favorite character in general. You make him so adorable - it's so cute! He's cocky and hilarious, and I love it. It's such a contrast from the Albus in my novel. He's a little... awkward. To say the least. :D
Great story, I love it :) Report Review
Hey again! Love the CI by the way :)
The same about flow and plot, although you have put so much into very few chapters it doesn't seem rushed at all.
The best part of this chapter in my opinon was the ending and not in a bad way. Not like I was wishing it too end but because it was just so amazingly sweet.
All in all a great story which is also different, good in my books :)
OPERATION: GREEN WITH ENVYAuthor's Response: Hello again! :D
I'm glad you liked the ending, I rather liked it too! :)
Ak~ Report Review
Hey RandomRed here from the forums!
I really like you characterisation of Albus, he is different but a good different and I throughly enjoyed reading about him.
You have also created a really nice OC that I wasn't annoyed with at any stage.
The Pick UP line was my favorite past though, it is brilliant and I may search out the other entries of this challenge.
You got a lot into this chapter and I am looknig forward to reading the next one for the very same reason. So far you have nothing to worry about with plot and flow, although this may not be for everybody because so much happens in so little I enjoyed it. :)
OPERATION: GREEN WITH ENVYAuthor's Response: heya! :D
Everyone seems to like Al! xP He's just a normal guy, like a mah-up all my guy-friends :P And ow I perceive guys to be :P
Anyway, I'm glad you like my OC, she's also like the typical girl; she's mostly like me :P I indulged a bit here xP
Most people are saying that! :D I personally was doubting the flow and such here, since like you said, so much happens in so little time :/ But, I guess, that's just Al and Kristen :D
Thanks so much for reviewing :D
Ak~ Report Review
I personally liked the ending. Yes there are other ways to end it but this one was nice. It kind of wraps it up but leaves it hanging. Do you know what I mean? Very nice story, I can't wait for an update!
10/10 from me! Report Review
I'm in two minds about this.
One the one hand, I really loved this. Your word choice, the light-heartedness and the overall light feel to it was something I adored. It was an easy read, but it wasn't childish by any means. You kept the story moving quickly and there was never a dull moment. I definitely found the story enjoyable and I was smiling at many times throughout it.
Your characters were hilarious, too. I loved your portrayal of Albus. Such a stupid, typical boy. That made me laugh. I also loved Kristen in this. She was a breath of fresh air and just seemed like your ordinary girl, you know? She was just so... real. She acted and spoke like a girl I could easily know. You mastered the art of the OC in this. You didn't spend heaps of time explaining who she was or the exact colour of the highlights of her hair. You just made her ordinary. But that was what was special about her. I don't know if that makes any sense... just accept the fact that your OC was awesome, lol.
Now. On the other hand, I think the pace of this was a bit too quick. And the thing that isn't quite working in my mind is that I absolutely adored this. And I normally absolutely hate stories that rush things to the point where the story seems unrealistic. Now, I'm not saying that this story is unrealistic. It just seems... fast. And rushed. I don't know what it is. It just seems like a LOT happened in a mere two chapters. But, again. I lloved it? And I normally hate that type of thing.
So. Somewhere in that confused babble that I just wrote, you should be able to get the gist that I actually loved this. Because I did.
You left the areas of concern part of your request blank, so I'm not sure what else to say. I've covered characters and pace. And I think that the plot was sort of covered in pace. Hm. I don't know what else to say!
I don't want to say that this is horrible. It isn't. You are good at writing. And everything is there. I just think it was too rushed. Though, having said that, I still enjoyed it.
Joop :)Author's Response: w00t! yaay! :D
I'm so glad that you liked it! :D seriously, I'm grinning so much right now! ;P
Kristen was...pretty much frill-less. She just did what I'd do :P
thanks for reading :D
Ak~ Report Review
Hello and Merry late Christmas! I've been away for the past few weeks with the only internet that I had acess to being my iPhone. anyway on to your review.
The story seems cute and I like the spelling and grammar. I can see where this is going and hopefully how it will end up. Just a few side notes for you:
I really don't think a person would be famous in both the magical and muggle worlds (as the muggles would inevitably follow them and then catch said person doing magic at some point thereby breaking the statute of secrecy)
Also Albus seems to swing from shy loner, unsucessful with girls to confident stud (or at least the persona of one) and makees believing him as a character a bit more difficult. Perhaps if you spent some time in his thoughts like "I'll try what Scorpius / James does, they seem sucessful with the girls." or Because they aren't good at showing their "real" self they become a bit of a sleaze because they don't wish to show the real them and risk getting hurt. If they get rejected then its the persona not them that is rejected.
I like Kris though, she seems confident, quirky and interesting.
Keep up the good worl, Love Pepper Report Review
Another utterly brilliant finishing chapter! I adored this. Kristen seems like a wonderful girl, and I love your Al too. They seem more original than the usual ones.
Having them meet at a pub, then at the shopping mall is ingenious. Never seen it happen before. The plot/scenario where Al ran to look at the mannequins, Kristin left, Al came back, was really clever.
Your writing is brilliant. Loved this! You got so much in so less words that I feel like I've just read a novel :P I felt the same contentment and enjoyment at the end of your 2 chapter fic as I do at the end of a novel! :)Author's Response: I'm extremely glad you liked this! :) I, personally, am not too happy with this piece but, meh, I don't think I can do better right now. Because I'm pressed for time :
Haha, the bar then to the mall thing came out of nowhere, it seemed like the least likely places those two'd meet at :P
I'm glad you're satisfied, I don't think too many would be though :P
thanks for gettingg to review theses so fast :D
Brilliant. Wow. Completely amazing. I love this! Your writing is utterly fantastic, you had me engaged the entire time. The plot is wonderful, there are a lot of romance stories, but I completely didn't expect Al leaving at the end. I really like Kristen, her personality is nice!
I just loved this first chapter. Really well written, a thoroughly enjoyable read! And now I must get on to chapter 2! :)Author's Response: Haha! I really didn't expect this review! :P
I'm glad you think this piece was engaging, it isn't some of my best work, but I like it :D
Al is a boy, nuff said :P
Hope you liked the next chapter :D
Ak~ Report Review
This chapter was interesting even though I'm not sure if I liked how you had Albus and Kristen kiss in this chapter. I feel that could have been held off for a few chapters or maybe you are planning on implementing some obstacles for them in future chapters? Will we ever find out why Kristen went to the hospital? Anyways, I cannot wait to see what happens next with Albus and Kristen so I hope you can update soon.Author's Response: Aw, love! I'm so sorry, but this is a two chapter one-shot :P
There ISN'T another chapter, unfortunately.
Yes, their kiss is a bit awkward, but that's just the way they are, very unconventional.:D
No, we won't find out why Kristen went to the hospital, but I can tell you this, it wasn't anything major :D
What happens next is what you shall see in my new story Here Without You :D
Do check it out when it's up :D
Ak~ Report Review
TEEHHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE I love Albus Potter.Author's Response: Me too!!! :D
thanks for the review
Ak~ Report Review
I loved Al's pickup line! hilarious :)Author's Response: I know right? :D
~Ak~ Report Review
Hey! It's Liberty from my review thread on the forums!
Overall, this chapter flowed nicely from scene to scene.
The note Kristen left struck me as a bit strange. I took her as a little proud for some reason, so I would've thought she would've felt above both Albus and sending a hate note. However, I could've interpretted her character wrong, and that could be part of her character.
I literally started laughing when Albus is freaking out like a girl. There isn't enough of his character developed to support or deny it, so it was plausible enough.
I think this is so cute! (But that's why it's labeled as fluff, after all.)
I just want to congratulate the writing you used while describing the feelings when Albus and Kristen first kiss and all the tumultous they felt when regarding eachother. The problem with fluff pieces is the lack of growth in them. (I think that's why some people avoid them.) Your fic doesn't have a problem with this. Your writing made it all sound like this was meant to be, no question about it, that there was no need for them to fall in love because they were already there.
Now to get off my incoherent rambling.
Just a suggestion regarding phrasing, Albus has a line where he says, "I never said you didn’t! I’m just saying sorry for that night!” It's a bit strange to say "night," when I read it, I first thought he was talking about spilling his drink on her. I think "day" would be much more appropriate. Though just my personal opinion.
I only saw one typo in this chapter, but I might've missed any others...I shamefully read without really looking at each individual sentence as I usually do.
"Al had thought a lot of other girls had be “The One’s”." In this sentence, you need to change "be" to "been", since this sentence is written in the past tense. You could also insert "to" before "be," as an alternative.
I probably missed something, I feel so bad.
I'm sorry this review is so long, again! I think I'm turning out to be one of those reviewers that everyone detests because their reviews are so cumbersome and long.
p.s. Feel free to re-request for any future or current stories you may have.Author's Response: hey there (again) :P
I'm glad you liked that scene, I was unsure of what I was writing, but I just went with it, so I don't know how it seemed to you XP
I will fix all that you've pointed out. And, oh shush, with all that apologizing :P I LOVE LONG REVIEWS :P
Ak~ Report Review
Hey it's Liberty from my review thread on the forums!
First off, I love Albus's character. I feel like he may come off as a player to people who don't know him well (since he's had too many girlfriends to remember whether there's been 8 or 9 in the past year), but he really just wants to find someone with whom he can spend the rest of his life with.
That pick-up line? I love the challenge you did this for.
Umm, it was a bit weird when Albus clapped his hand over some stranger's mouth. Though that could just be something you wanted to say about his character, I wasn't very sure.
There was also the point where she was thinking about him and how he made her feel was explained, when she thought of how strange it was even when she'd only met him once, but it felt a little early for her to be thinking that into it. The again, that might be part of her character too, I wasn't sure again.
I love the mini-plot you put in with Rose and Scorpius. Rose's jealously makes for a little laugh, and Scorpius's oblivion to it as well.
I only found one mistake with your grammar, but the mistake was repeated a couple of times. The mistake was...commas. Yes, I am probably going to be famous one day as the reviewer who raves about commas. There was a couple of places where commas were missing, so you might want to look for those if you ever choose to revise this. They weren't very noticeable. I'm just obsessed with commas.
I saw no spelling errors, but I spotted a few typos, which are the following since I felt obligated to inform you of them specifically:
"Rose smiled little more easily as Scorpius said this," the word "a" is missing from in between "smiled" and "little."
"Al took a step forward turned around," the word "and" is missing from in between "forward" and "turned."
Overall, as promised, this is a fluffy piece, and I love those! So it's gaining favor in my eyes very easily. While some of your ideas are cliched, as in Kristen's little monologue in her thoughts where she's confused about Albus, you make it work in what you combine it with.
Sorry that my reviews are so long! I hope you gathered some helpful information from this!
Liberty (libby103)Author's Response: I love long reviews, have I not mentioned that? lol, well I do. So, there. It's a good thing :P
And as I have said before, many many many times, commas will be the death of me :P Seriously, I NEVER get them right, but whatever. I'll work on that, probably get it beta'd or something ;)
Al, is a very simple character and as you said, his love life can be easily misinterpreted as a playboy's rather than a guy who's just looking for 'The Girl' of his dreams; glad you caught on to that :D Kristen, on the other hand, is a very odd character. She's one of those kinds, you know who's very very sure of herself, she knows what she wants and has a type. she is sure what will happen when and where and has everything figured out. So when she begins falling for Al after having just met him twice, she panics and starts hyperventilating. That's why she starts thinking into it.
And that little snippet about Rose and Scorpius, is actually from my other story, Knock You Down, which is essentially a Lily(II)/OC, but their story is a pretty major plot-line too :D Yes, I know it sounds like self-advertising :P
Anyway, onto the next point. The typos are because this isn't beta's. But, most probably, I'll just go back and proofread it a couple of more times and edit it :P
I love the whole idea of Rose/Scorpius not having a smooth relationship, that's one of the reasons I put that in there, though it's completely unnecessary :P
See, even I write long responses :P
I should probably shut up now :P
Thanks for the amazing review :D
Ak~ Report Review
First off, may I just gush about how much I love your lengthy little author's notes? Anyways, the story. Focus. This chapter was easy to read, although everything seemed to be happening really fast. Kristen and James fall in love so quickly! However, I am glad that that fact is generally acknowledged throughout the story. They also fought about something that I consider pointless and mundane. Sure, he should've probably told her that he was leaving her for a moment (a-duh Al!), but I don't think that it should've sparked that sort of drastic reaction from her. If someone left me while I was in a dressing room, sure I'd be really pissed, but I don't think I would 'hate' that person. Hate is a strong word. But, every person and every couple has their quirks. Overall, nice chapter! The ending was sweet! Keep on writing!
-leaneyAuthor's Response: Kristen is the type of person who always has everything under control, so when she sees herself falling for Al so quickly, small things start to annoy her; hence that drastic reaction to him up and leaving :D
i'm glad that you liked it! :D
thanks for getting to this so soon! :D
Leaney from the forums (finally!)
First off, sorry to have kept you waiting so long for this review! I read this a few days ago and forgot to submit your review the first time around! Whoops! Anyways, I think you have a good starting place for your story. Your title is mighty witty, may I also add. I liked how the story opened and I like that we immediately get a sense of who Al is and how he interacts with his seemingly dysfunctional family. I think it's refreshing that Rose and Scorpius aren't together and that Rose and Al aren't glued to the hip. Most stories portray them as each other's best friend, but there seems to be more dimension to that relationship. Kristen, so far, seems mysterious yet likeable. I can't make any judgements about her really. I also found bits of your dialogue highly amusing. Especially the part about all the curves and no brakes! Gah, what a line! Your style of writing is also very straight forward. The flow is good, just make sure to keep your details and dialogue polished up! The only criticism I seem to have stems from Al's character. He seems kind of shy and unsure of himself, but around Kristen he's some big Quidditch playing hotshot? He sort of transforms into a line dropping jerk! Haha. I was a tad confused. Perhaps, he was just trying to impress her (unsuccessfully, might I add) and I'm reading entirely wrong into it? On the grammar front, I only spotted a few spelling errors and maybe a comma or two out of place. Nothing serious! I'm off to read the next chapter! I can't wait to see where it will take me! (:
-leaney Report Review
The story was very well written. Maybe include more imagery, but I enjoyed it. One part that confused me was how she immediately hated him. It seemed a tad unrealistic. And I'm not really into the whole 'you complete me' thing but i did like reading it.Author's Response: Thanks for the review! :)
glad yo liked it!
Ak~ Report Review
this is brillant. i'm a huge next gen fan :DAuthor's Response: Brilliant :D Report Review
Oh gosh this is...this made my night Author's Response: *blush*
Ak~ Report Review
Amazing first chapter, I really enjoy Albus and Kris's interactions with each other, I could almost totally see what happened at the bar with them happen in real life. I hope Albus had a good reason for leaving especially since it seems like it made Kris think that he doesn't care for her when it seems that he really likes her when you take into account what he was thinking when he watched her twirl around in that dress. I hope you can update soon cause I'm super anxious to see where you go from here with this story.Author's Response: I'm almost done with the second and lst (I think) chapter. Just editing, moving things around. I'm not too happy with how things happen in it, but I should put it up soon! I'm also working on a massive challenge, you might've heard of it "The Life of..." challenge in whch the life of the main character, a canon one, has to be chronicled, so I'm busy with that. Also, there' sRL which kind of sucks, so I need to take time out for all this.
All in all, I don't know why I just told you all this, but I did.
Wow, I'm rambling. I'll just...go no :P
Thanks for reviwing! Glad you liked it :D
Al's just a dumb boy; that's why he left like that, you'll see :P
Ak~ Report Review
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