well. i am kind of speechless. it was a strange fic, nothing like I've read before or read usually, but all in all it was good. like the expression and all was nice, only a few grammar errors.
Operation: Green with Envy :)Author's Response: Thanks so much! I am gald you like it! It was a challenge writing it but all my reviews have said I did well!
Kattia Report Review
Hello xxpetrapan! Another review for you, my winner!
Wow. I think the 2nd person really enhanced this story and for some reason at times I felt like I was reading a first person narrative, that's how smoothly it read to me. Overall, I really liked this one-shot. I think the transition in time was nice and I liked Lucy's character. I completely understand how she feels and why she did what she did. While I wouldn't do that myself lol, I can see why she snapped. I wish I understood Scorpius' motivations a bit better. He said he loved her, but couldn't be with her...what does that even mean? Haha I couldn't tell if he was being vague or if your message was unclear. Oh, whatever happened to Giselle?
Formatting-wise: The spacing was all kinds of weird in this. There would be huge gaps and then no line breaks at all in between paragraphs. Try using the simple editor that works best for me ;) Also, when different people talk there is always a line break in between there dialogue -two people should not be speaking in the same paragraph if that makes sense.
Punctuation, Grammar, etc:
"'The stupid, cheating (not 12+ word) had it coming' you think," -comma before you
"it is all their faults that they are now rotting on the expensive carpet" -fault
"You know stand on in Venice Beach" -now not know. Venice Beach? Why would she pick this place...she's a British Wizard.
**There are always commas in front of but. There were a at least 5 times when this didn't happen throughout the one-shot.
"who thought you were her friend" -awkwardly phrased. 'who you thought was your friend' would be better.
"You were wrong he was radiant." wrong: he was radiant
"Lucy, darling I still love you but it fells wrong to be with you." -feels
'at nowfrom telling the story so many times.' - a space needs to go between now and from
That being said I did find a lot of errors in the text, even ones I didn't put in above because it was too much. I suggest getting a Beta to help smooth out some of these issues and help with the grammar and punctuation in general. I think doing that will greatly enhance the story because I, as a reader, wouldn't always be so distracted with the simple errors.
Again, that was an intense one-shot and I hope you did well in that Challenge. I cannot do second person, so it was nice to read a one-shot where I think you handled the POV successfully. I feel bad for Lucy, but most of all for her sons. I wish Scorpius had more to say about his actions...and is it wrong that I find it slightly entertaining that she didn't get caught. I wonder what the trail was like or if there was a trial at all. I feel like there would definitely be some follow up after a death like that. Hmm, anywho, intense and emotional read. Nice!
nrbAuthor's Response: Thanks a ton! I will fix the errors and I will do a prequel where she meets back up with Giselle and they talk about the news of Scorpius dieing!
Thanks so much Report Review
Wow, this was really wonderful! The second person narration really added to the story overall, and I loved how you described the twisted romance between the two of them. 10/10Author's Response: Aww...Thanks so much for the review! I had fun writing in 2nd person!
-Kattia Report Review
Hello! It's Lia from the forums here with your review.
I have to tell you, I adore second person to the fullest so I'm glad you took up this challenge. Not many people like it and not many are brave enough to try it. I like that you used Lucy Weasley here instead of one of the other Next Gen kids. The Lucy Weasley you've written strikes me as a woman who has had enough. She is, in essence, a woman who has been scorned. In one particular line in the first paragraph, she almost seems nonchalant about the entire situation. You had just killed your true love. Oh...well you better get out of there quick. - That's the line I mean.
As far as flow goes, the story is easy to understand, you've given your opening, then explained through the flashback, how you've gotten to that point. Her entire relationship with Scorpius makes me wonder if she was the only one who was participating. Or if everything was just so overwhelmed that it just breezed past her.
For me, the format's alright though I'm not sure how other people would fair with the large spaces, perhaps you can make them smaller?
I think you did a good job with second person. Was this your first attempt? That being said, there is some room for improvement. In some instances, you tell the readers what Lucy is feeling instead of showing it, I felt it needed more description. When I'm writing second person, it's all about emotion, mostly of the character you're writing about. When you have the time, I'd like to encourage you to go find some 2nd person fics on the site and see how they've written them.
Honestly, this plot has potential and with a little work, it will be fantastic.
I hope I made some sense to you and was of some help.
Thanks for stopping by my thread!
LiaAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review =)
I know I need to be more descpitive, I need to work on that!
The spacing is werid I know, whenever I post a story is turns into that, I am working on fixing that!
-Kattia Report Review
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