Lovely story so far. I haven't read Little Women in ages, but I think you have the atmosphere down exactly. I have to back and re-read it now. XD
The name Daniel distracted me a bit at the very beginning, because it made me go, "Radcliffe?" but it wasn't a problem at all after the first few sentences. I love the imaginary friend idea by the way, and am I correct in assuming there's a lot more to that story than you've told so far?
Actually, I get that impression from a lot of things. You're very good at working plot details in slowly and subtly, like mentioning the book while describing Rose's tired eyes. It's very intriguing. And there are wonderful references to things like the passing of time: Ron getting old, for example, and the sale of the Burrow, and even the mention that Charlie's still a bachelor. There are just so many tiny loose ends and glimpses of deeper layers in the story too. I absolutely love it.
I also just really like your vision of all of the characters. I especially liked the "strange hybrid of a family" bit. It really shines a light on how close they all are, which makes sense, given what the Trio went through together.
I don't have a lot of constructive critique for this chapter, mostly just things that I loved. XD It seems to be moving a little slow for my personal liking. The summary mentions a plan, and right now, I have no idea what that's even about yet. I guess, as a piece inspired by Little Women, there's sort of a reason for it to move slower than in modern trends, but... still. By the end of the chapter I kind of wanted to skip ahead a little bit.
And... that's all! Hope you found it helpful. XD
- EvanAuthor's Response: Yes there is more to Daniel and that will come later. I'm glad you like the idea :)
I'm so flattered that you think I've worked the plot in well! I always find the first chapter difficult - you want to draw the reader in, but also lay the foundations of the story. I do agree that it drags a little and is a bit longer than the rest of the chapters will be, so I'll look back and see if I can trim it. But with a family as large as the Weasleys, I really wanted to introduce all the characters. I'm so glad you like my vision of them, btw - I've read so many next-gen fics that they've started to blur in my head!
Thanks so much for your review :) Report Review
Hi there! Requested reviewer here!
I really really think your story is amazing. It's perfect for a first chapter.
Seriously, keep doing what you are doing.
It's so original! Usually Lucy is looked down upon, I really like what you've done with her character, and with Teddy and Victoire.
And I really really like Daniel.
PLEASE PM me when the next chapter is up. I have nothing bad to say about it. It's fantastic. :DAuthor's Response: Aww thank you! I've always had a soft-spot for Lucy since I love the name, and you're right, she is one of the next-gen characters that rarely gets a look-in. I'm glad you like what I've done with Teddy and Victoire - perhaps I'm too cynical, but the idea of best friends growing up to be the perfect couple is a little to Hollywood to me, not too mention an easy way to go about it.
Thanks so much for your positive review! I'll make sure to PM you when I finish the next chapter :) Report Review
Hello! Here with your review. :D
You have a very interesting lead in. Itís mysterious and really pulls readers into the story with curiosity. I like that youíre adding in Lucy. She doesnít get enough story time.
Precisely, how does one Look like a transvestite?
You donít need to offset the word ineffective with parenthesis like that. It would have read smoother without them. :D
I like how real the characters are. You donít have two wildly over attractive girls and that makes the story more interesting and relatable. I donít really understand the Wentworth thing. I mean, is that a Little Women thing? Iíve not read that.
Aww Arthur is gone? Thatís sad. But yay for Charlie, what a good son.
Iím curious to see Lily and why they donít like her. Albus seems interesting. :D
Oh, thatís a nice twist to have the family all against Teddy and Victoire breaking up. I wanna see Vicís perfect husband and I wonder why Teddy and her didnít work out. And why Rose doesnít care for Teddy. So many questions. :D
I donít know how that was mocking her.
Very nice start to a story. Leaves a lot of interesting questions. :D --JennaAuthor's Response: I'll go back and have a look at the errors you've pointed out - still to find a beta, so thanks for mentioning them :)
I'm glad you think my characters are realistic - I do hope they stay that way! I wanted to make them relatable, so I'm thrilled you think they are.
Wentworth is the hero from Austen's Persuasion (I always preferred him over Darcy haha), I'll make an author's note at the end.
Lily will have her own chapter soon (I'm undecided whether to make it ch2 or 3), but yes, Rose and Lucy aren't overly fond of her, though I hope to show two sides of the story there. I don't want her to be totally unlikeable!
Like I said in another response, I've always thought Teddy and Victoire was just such an easy ship. Best friends become lovers...maybe I'm just too cynical!
Thanks so much for your review! It's been really helpful :) Report Review
Well, that was certainly interesting. I want to know more about Daniel...
You've told us just enough about the family, which is in a way good, but me being the simple person I am am still slightly confused as to what's going on with Teddy and Victoire. You probably did that on purpose though, so don't mind me. I just want to know where the story's going, keep writing it! XD
Really though, I liked it quite a lot. I especially loved the Anne reference :)Author's Response: All will be revealed in good time ;)
Hmm. Yes, what happened between Teddy and Victoire will be explained a bit more clearly, but I wanted to get my version of the next-gen out of the way before I launched into the plot...there are just so many of them! I hope it wasn't too confusing - I've yet to find a beta, so I'll be editing the chapters as I go. But in my head, Teddy and Victoire were engaged but she broke it off and is now married to Adam with twins.
I adore Anne! :) I've always imagined Rose to be a mixture of Anne and Jo from Little Women.
Thanks so much for your review, I hope you keep reading! Report Review
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