'First ever attempt at a Dark/Horror. Written for bamboomei’s Comfort Zone: D E N I E D challenge.'
That was your first attempt at a Dark/Horror?
I am impressed. This story was excellent. Very evocative, very creepy, very visceral. Minor flaws here and there-mixed up words that a spellcheck would overlook, etc. Overall, very well-written.
I thought that the depth of Hayley and Lucy was well-balanced; we got to see a bit more of Hayley, while still definitely viewing the whole thing with Lucy's slant on things.
I thought the introduction to this piece was excellent, as it gave us some background information on both Scorpius, Lucy, and Hayley, while providing just a bit of information about the Wizarding world at present and how Scorpius and Lucy are viewed. The transition from introduction to action wasn't quite as smooth as it might have been-when I read it, it seemed like one paragraph we were discussing the possibility of Hayley taking him away, and in the next she had killed a shopkeeper to take him. However, reading back on it, it seems a bit clearer-perhaps I was reading too fast (I do that on occasion, lol).
Other minor issues included some tense changes:
'Scorpius who I knew would help me fight against the darkness that now resides inside me.'
...and similar small things.
I also really like the implication that using the Killing Curse wasn't without consequences. Lately it seems like I've been reading a lot of stories where magic like that is thrown about and there never seems to be any effect on the caster. I find it extremely likely that the Unforgivables in general and the Killing Curse in particular would affect someone like this-after all, they must be considered the darkest magic around for some reason other than their effects... if that makes sense.
So I read this after reading chapter one of 'Dropkick' which I found to be excellent, and I discovered that you seem to be a writer of high caliber. I'll look forward to more from you in the future, and particularly more of 'Dropkick' which seems to be very intriguing so far... :)Author's Response: Thank you for such a lovely review!! It was my first attempt, and I spent hours working on it. My first version was shocking. So embarrassingly shocking. But I did manage eventually... I hope :-)
I appologise for my tenses. Writing in present tense is a challenge for me, and sometimes what I wanted to say came out all wrong. Like
"Scorpius who I knew would help me fight against the darkness that now resides inside me."
Should have been "know"... I'll get to correcting that.
But yes, I majorly annoys me that people don't consider the implications of certain magic. If the Killing Curse was dark enough that Voldemort could use it and accidentally rip apart his soul (in the case of Harry), then I doubt it would be all nice and dandy for other people to use it with no effects. People need to stop having their characters using it like they would use accio.
But yes, thank you SOO much for your reviews :-D I already have heaps written for Dropkick, and have planned it to be part of a trilogy set. Initially my plan had it going on for 40+ chapters, so certainly it is better for me to split it up. I have a beta reader now, so those chapters should come out wayy better and hopefully be up regularly.
Hi there! It's bamboomei from the forums, here to review your submission :) You can then edit it, if you like, and resubmit.
Things I think you need to work on are as follow:
- The tense change at the start. Perhaps it would be better to keep it all in the present tense?
-Some more background on Hayley, to make her less of a 2D character
Things I think you got spot on:
-The situation. You built it up with suspense and brilliantly so!
-The obvious flaws of Lucy. She was a flawed character and I love that :)
xEAuthor's Response: Thank you! I have edited my story, and shall put it up for validation as soon as the queue opens up. I fixed up my tense issues. I find present tense to be a bit challenging, but I found it even more challenging to write a dark horror in past tense - it lacks that in the moment thing.
And I am so happy with how I wrote Lucy. Never even considered her as a character until your challenge. Flawed characters are the best because they are more realistic. Everyone is flawed, especially me. And that is what makes us individuals.
But yes, I will definitely have this edited by the deadline :-) Unless it keeps getting rejected...
-x- Report Review
I really like your descriptions of everything! You gave really good details.
I would have liked to know more about Hayley though, it seems like she kind of came out of nowhere with no background info. or anything. Although maybe that's just part of her mystery!
This could be a good one-shot to expand into a short story if you felt strongly about it. It would be cool to know more about Scorpius and Lucy's background as well as Hayley and why she's so crazy, because it all seemed a little rushed in such a short story.
It was still enjoyable to read though!Author's Response: I wanted to focus it totally on Lucy's point of view, so I don't think she would really care much about Hayley's past, or anything to do with Hayley. Maybe sometime I will do a companion story to look more at why Hayley is Hayley.
But I may go back and put in more about Scorpius and Lucy's past, though to be honest I have no idea what I would do there. They are such a foreign ship to me... thus the challenge. I don't want that sort of thing to detract too much from what is happening though. I like to think the focus on what is happening gives it more of a horror theme... Haha.
But yes, thank you so much for the review!! :-)
-x- Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection