Hey jessajay92, this is notreallyblonde44 from the forum with your request :)
This very first thing I noticed about this story was the excellent summary. I've always been a big fan of Snape (way Pre-DH) and those lines were short, impactful, descriptive/telling, and pretty heart wrenching actually. There is a lot of emotion behind words like 'I didn't do it for the wizarding world' so great way to draw in readers! I do suggest looking into getting a pretty banner for this story. I know it seems superficial to an extent, but banners help draw readers in ;)
When I opened your chapter, I was like woah it's short...then I remember ohh it's 500ish words haha. My bad. That being said, you have two author's note. Two is too much to me. They almost overpower the prologue. I usually separate my notes and put that at the end so that there is a clear distinction between my story and myself. This isn't the biggest deal in the world, but I tend to find author's notes distracting so this is more of a personal feeling...obviously you can have two :P But because the chapter is so short two stand out more than the story because they frame the story on the page.
"My father lay his right hand on his wife's shoulder and smiled down at the two most important people in his world." -if I'm not mistaken 'lay' should be 'laid' since it's the past tense. I'm curious at this line if this is Severus being born (although I feel like it definitely is). I totally agree that his family is poor and authors on hpff often write about how much Severus' dad outright hates him. So it's interesting here that Tobias might actually like his son...at least at this point.
'He looked from his wife to me and back up to my mother' -switching the noun from 'wife' to 'mother' in the same sentence almost made me think that they were two different people haha
'My dad was always a presence' -a presence? Lol, he did live there and pay the bills. I find that word to be very vague in terms of what you want the reader to understand about Tobias and Sevurus' relationship.
Hmm it's a nice little opening and Prologue. I'm glad that you didn't insinuate that Snape's father was abusive or anything...again, most people seem to think he was. I honestly can say I don't remember either way from the books how Snape's father was characterized.
Overall, I feel that there isn't much to critique because of the length...besides the length. At some points I felt like this Prologue could have been more. More in the sense that I wanted to see more and experience more of Snape's younger years. Maybe one or two scenes would have helped rather than you telling me what happened. I particularly would have adored scenes where Snape was happily experiencing magic and then maybe how his father reacted would change all that. It's such an interesting contrast in a character because we know how suppressed magically he was yet he was a fantastic magically student.
And the 1st person narrator was very interesting; I'm curious how that will develop as the story continues. Good luck & hope this helped any! Again I don't feel like I can give feedback on anything else since Snape's character hasn't really come in fruition yet. So this story should be interesting and it's nice to see more Severus stories hehe.
NRBAuthor's Response: I'm really glad you liked the summary. :) I wasn't too sure about it so that kind of made my day. I'm in the process of getting a banner at TDA as I type this.
I'll have to go back and look at all of the grammar stuff that you mentioned, thanks.
I am definitely planning to expand on Snape's younger years but I felt as though certain events needed to be contained in their own chapters rather than be the catalyst for the rest of the story so hopefully that will bring out longer and more in-depth chapters character and emotion wise.
This helped a lot. Thanks so much! :D Report Review
I love the last line. It kinda sums it all up, especially ties in with Lily and Harry. :DAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review. :)
Now in response to what you actually said. ;) Report Review
I think this story has great promise I really like it! 8/10!Author's Response: Thanks so much. I hope it lives up to the promise. :) Report Review
Your a really good writer. Keep going! I can't wait to read more!Author's Response: Thanks, I've got some other pieces to validate but this is definitely on the priority list. :) Report Review
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