So I'm guessing Samantha is the daughter of the couple from the prologue? I wonder if they survived the fire or not. I can't really comment on her yet, except that she seems to have a thing for Remus and gets jealous if he talks to others, and doesn't get along with the other Gryffindor girls.
A variation of the Marauderette-story, I would say. Don't get me wrong, that's nothing bad in my book, if it's done right, only I have incredibly high expectations when it comes to Marauder era, as those are the reason I got into HP fanficton. I'm curious how you spin it and what happens next :)
What I liked about your set-up was that you didn't start off immediately with the train ride, but set the prologue before it.
The idea with James trying to have all meetings at the same time was funny, and something I can picture him doing. Sirius seemed in character as well when casually teasing Peter.
Some mistakes I noticed:
that appeared like Hippogriffs with there heads cut off. - their (Lol, homonyms are a pet-peeve of mine.)
She sighed, missing how her compartment was when just her and the Marauders in it. - verb?
Good start, and I'm interested to see how her past - though I work with the assumption that the couple is related to her - will come into the plot, and the plot twists you'll come up with. And of course the Lily-James interaction and how they get together ;)
xox LeoAuthor's Response: Wow, this review occured so long ago that I greatly apologize for the time it took my to respond! I know you took so much time to do your reviews, and I REALLY appreciate every single one of them for being so insightful and helpful.
I guess this is why this story hit the brick wall. I also have exceedingly high expectations for Marauder-era stories, especially for the ones that fall into the 5th girl Marauder cliche, so I'm not sure where it's going for now. I will continue this story eventually, as it is my baby, but my perfectionism is blocking me...so c'est la vie.
As always, thanks for the concrit and for somehow always seeing what's coming before it's tied together more clearly :P
Ellie Report Review
WOW! That was fantastic... very intense and exciting!
You do a great job slowly unveiling who Christoph is and what he's doing. Very suspenseful. I can't wait to read on and see who the main character is and how they're connected to all of this.Author's Response: Hello ForeverMarauder!
Thank you so much for this kind and lovely review, I love your response to this prologue haha. I never thought I could capture suspense as a writer, so thank you for that confidence booster too :P Hope you enjoy Miss Sam, she's quite an immature thing, but she connects to it all mwhaha ;) Thanks again for this review, it made me smile!
NRB Report Review
Hi there! Toujours Padfoot again. ^_^ Silly me, I reviewed your prologue instead of the first chapter. I was wondering why the story didn't match up with the summary...because it's like two different stories! :O
Alrighty. Samantha. She is NOT a Mary Sue. I was very glad to see this, because in most Marauder-era fics I read, the main OC is always a Mary Sue - quiet, bookish, ultra witty, subtly beautiful, overlooked, etc. They're so perfect and boring that it makes me want to gag.
Sam? Not so. I LOVE that you are already making her flawed. She's immature, and a bit dramatic, and somewhat self-absorbed. Loving it. She's real. She could be someone I know - but not someone who blends into the wallpaper. So far, your characterization is great.
Favorite line - "I've got this!" Sirius Black exclaimed, looking a little too excited as he held his wand high and proud.
Although he isn't heavily featured in this chapter, I think you got teenage-Sirius down pat. I smiled at that sentence. It's definitely Sirius-ish. I could just see him standing up and looking all giddy-like with his wand, wanting to prove himself.
CC: Just a few typo's. There are a few grammatical errors - no biggie. But I'll point 'em out anyway, 'cause...that's the point of CC, right? ^_^
disheveled as Samantha's ever seen with her read hair in knots
(read should be red)
Which meant that, not only, were the Marauders' in the same compartment, save for Remus for some reason unknown to Samantha. But Samantha, Lily, and two prefects from each house were present and the majority of the Gryffindor Quidditch team was trying to squeeze in too.
Kinda iffy with commas and sentence structure. Edited:
Which meant that not only were the Marauders in the same compartment - save for Remus, for some reason unknown to Samantha - but Samantha, Lily, and two prefects from each house were present and the majority of the Gryffindor Quidditch team was trying to squeeze in, too.
The typos could be easily cleared up with just another look-over. You seem to have a pretty good grasp of grammar and spelling, so I'm guessing that those small mistakes would be easily recognizable if you ran through the chapter again. :)
Overall - interesting plot, interesting characters. I'm really curious to see how this ties in with the prologue! And from your summary, I can tell it's going to be a pretty dynamic story. Order of the Phoenix recruiting at Hogwarts? Can you say: explosion of fabulous plot bunnies? Ultra kudos. The plot is original and refreshing and you will go far, my friend.
~Toujours PadfootAuthor's Response: Hello Toujours Padfoot!!
I'm sorry for the delay in responding to this review -but I was waiting to edit my chapter before I responded so that I could write -thanks for all the edits/help I used them when I edited the chapter!
Yay for no Mary Sues! Considering this era is so chock-full of them or over-done plot constructions I'm always very worried about that in this story. I'm glad you got the sense that she is flawed...very flawed- and honestly I find her almost too annoying to write sometimes haha. C'est la vie :P
I'm glad you liked Sirius, I honestly think he is the hardest one to write. (Dies). So I'm happy that you found his character to be accurate!
Overall - awesome review, I'm very super grateful! Lol. Thanks so much :) Hopefully I've corrected everything now.
I'm dropping off the prologue since you already have enough reviews there and dropping off to chapter 1 as requested. It's a good story, but I've got a few grammatical errors that I'd like to point out
1. "Which meant that, not only, were the Marauders' in the same compartment, save for Remus for some reason unknown to Samantha. But Samantha, Lily, and two prefects from each house were present and the majority of the Gryffindor Quidditch team was trying to squeeze in too. ". Mmmm, very awkwardly phrased. Could you try something like "The marauders, save an ever-absent Remus, occupied their usual compartment, but were now also joined by Lily, Samantha, all of the prefects, and a large chunk of the Gryffindor Quidditch team." Even that's a bit awkward...but that's the idea
2. "You clearly are not as mature enough to handle this position." This one's easy, take out the 'as'.
3. "Lily, appearing as disheveled as Samantha's ever seen with her read hair in knots and skirt hitched up almost to her mid-thigh". Another easy one, unless Lily is reading her hair I would put 'red'
And that's all I have for now. Happy writing!Author's Response: Hey soccerj18!
Thank you for pointing out the grammatical errors, you have a good eye and I'm glad I can fix those because I completely missed them! I really appreciate that and the time you took to read/review my chapter :)
If only one could read hair...Divination lesson anyone? :P Report Review
Toujours Padfoot from the forums here for your review. :)
Whoa-ness. FANTASTIC first chapter. You kept me on the edge of my seat the whole way through, wanting to know more about him, wanting to know what he was doing and where he was going. And your way of ending the chapter is sure to leave everyone wanting more. I really want to know if Claire's alright. I already care for your characters - and I can feel their emotions very well. Extremely well done.
The only thing that could be improved are a few typos I found. They aren't much, and they aren't really distracting or anything, but I ought to point them out anyway since I'm supposed to be giving CC. ^_^
He could push through the last mile. He had too.
(to instead of too)
How much could they tell about him based that or the way he ran?
(based on that)
That's about it. I really liked reading this. It is just oozing with suspense. :)
~ Toujours PadfootAuthor's Response: Hello again Toujours Padfoot (creative name!) :)
*Beams* thank you! I'm glad the suspense resonated with you and that you want to know what's going on haha. YAY for caring! I always feel attached to my characters...because they are mine...so it's nice to see that you feel something for them too :)
And thank you for pointing out those typos; I'll be sure to correct them whenever I get the chance! I really appreciate this review, thanks again.
nrb Report Review
This is a terrific start and you write so brilliantly - I can really feel the whole sense of dread pervading this first chapter. There are lots of questions at this stage, but that's the whole idea of a prologue - to intrigue, and I'm intrigued.
I can't really offer any criticism other than to say please write more as I'm looking forward to reading more of this top quality fic.Author's Response: Hello, Alcy!
Thanks so much for the kind words and thoughtful review :) I am very flattered that you think I write brilliantly! *blushes* And I'm glad you were intrigued...I hope you enjoy the rest of the Tale.
Again, I appreciate your lovely review very much, thank you -this has made my day!
nrb Report Review
Hi! RandomRed here from the forums. It has taken me quite a long time to get here but I am here now. I agree Ancient Runes rules because I was just reading the Slytherin Common Room thread.
This is a great prolouge, very well written and it does what a prolouge should do. It draws the reader in and I want to read more. I also really love how you expected the person following him to be a deatheater but it wasn't it was his wife. Prolouges are so important if you have them as well not just in actual books but on here as well. People judge stories by prolouges and I know in books many people skip them but on here everyone reads them, that I know of.
I really want too know how you are planning on linking this in with the Marauders because you do mention them in you story information. I will just have to come back though. Also I want to know what his mission was. I have a few things but they generally link in with Lily and James but that can't be right. Most likely something to do with the OC. Anyway, I am very interested to see how this comes into play later in the story and I would love to review the rest of it. I will add it to my RSS feed because I finally figured out how that works, but if I don't get to it, just comment on my profile letting me know.
Great start, update soon. :)
Ginny45/RandomRed xxxAuthor's Response: Hey Red! Thanks for doing the review! Don't worry about timing, I have a review thread open too. I understand entirely and never mind waits myself ;) Oh and woot Slytherins! ow ow
Haha I appreciate your spiel about prologues and I totally agree about their importance!
I'm glad the prologue worked for you and that you want to review more, yay! I'm glad you felt the suspense.
This thread of the story comes in much later and it works in with the Marauder and the OC no worries ;) I plan to update relatively soon...although the next few chapters aren't nearly as intense as this one. Thanks again! I'm sure you'll see me on one of your stories soon haha
nrb Report Review
Hello there, gingersnape from the forums here!
First of all, I really apologize for this being so late! From the holidays to the relatives, to the computer issues (oh well, I've accepted them, considering I refuse to pay more than $300 for a laptop. For the price, they are brilliant though!) my time has been sucked away. WHOOSH. See, there it went! I've probably scared you, so I'll stop now! =]
Wow. I really can't think of any other words for what I thought of this other than wow. I'm really stunned by how tightly written that was and how fast everything seemed to happen without it feeling rushed. That was amazing.
I'll start off with what you specifically asked about, and then move into some other points as well as flow, spelling, grammar, and other things like that. Now, onto the reviewing part of the review! =]
Is it intriguing: Yes! Absolutely! The suspense was nearly killing me as I was drawn into this OC who I know nothing about, other than that he's a Marauder era character, and that he presumably works for the side of good, as he repeatedly mentions the order. I was really filled with suspense when he was being followed, but was a little let down when it was only his wife. However, having his wife there did really add to how the second half of the chapter played out, so I don't know whether that slightly anticlimactic (smaller than slightly, really) detail was good or bad.
Does it work: Yup; it did everything that a good prologue should do, from giving readers a taste of the mood of the story to having something suspenseful that will make readers want to go on and see what happened, as it was just unclear enough to leave readers wanting answers, but not too unclear that it felt cluttered or incomplete.
Onto the nit picking, ego boosting, and other various comments that don't fit in the previous categories! =]
I was wondering why he had to run, rather than take another form of transportation, such as a car, a bus, or even a bicycle. It seemed physically straining, and felt like he at least had some time to plan, when he could have moved faster, more efficiently, and have been less tired when he finished if he had just used a bicycle or some other vehicle.
I really liked how he remembered what to do from his training wile under “attack” because it shows something about him, that he didn't panic or forget something when he might have needed it. He does seem fit for the job and you show that well through the little things like that.
Just wondering, but why was his wife bleeding? Did he really hurt her that badly while taking her down, because she was hooded and seemed to have been completely covered from her description.
I really really loved how his wife had the mixed emotions and didn't quite understand what her husband was up to. It really brought out some of not so nice and super cool (well, none of war is really super cool, but some things sound cool or interesting, and when you're fighting for good, people sometimes assume they won't get hurt and since the people are fighting for good (that's a loaded term...) they shouldn't get hurt) qualities of a war and it added a level to the story, by having something like that to think about as I was reading it.
Spelling was pretty good, as was grammar. There were a few things, but a read through could solve them. As for flow, I think this was very smooth., The different things transitioned nicely and the whole thing didn't feel too rushed or too slow.
Happy holidays (whatever holiday you celebrate I hope it was/is/will be good!) and I'd really like to see how this turns out,
-gingerAuthor's Response: Ohhh goodness! I don't even know where to begin with my response haha. Thank you so much, ginger, for putting time and effort into this review for my story, I really appreciate it :) Like REALLY appreciate it. And no worries, I completely understand a hectic holiday. My computer also suddenly failed on me too. I'm sorry about that! You didn't scare me either haha.
Awesome! I'm glad the prologue worked to set up my story and that it was suspenseful! I'm always worried about my ability as a writer to capture and entertain an audience, so I'm glad that this prologue seemed to work for you in that sense. This makes me happy :)
To answer some of your concerns/questions: He was running because he was trying to pretend to be muggle. Uhm so I thought this would draw the least amount of suspicious thought from anyone. Obviously, I did not consider a bus or train haha. But he is magical through and through and I don't think Christoph would have known a bus route too well. Hopefully, er, it's a stretch. Plus, running helped him get a sense of his surroundings. But I definitely see your point about physical straining...I didn't really think that through to an extent XD
Claire was bleeding because she nicked her head when she fell. For some reason I always thought cuts on the head bleed a lot more than other areas. Maybe I am wrong...
I'm glad you got the sense that he filled his position well and my story had a level of depth to it already. This makes me very excited to continue. Even though Christoph doesn't return for quite some time. Oh, and I will take a fine toothed comb to this chapter before I post the next to catch those little mistakes. Thank you again! So very, very much! I hope your holidays went well too!
Hey!! Its Perelandra from the forums! Sorry it has taken a while to review it but with the holidays...I've had no time for myself at work. Anyway, on with the review. Since this is only the prologue I'll be limited to what I have to say...but anyway, lets move on! :D
Plot: Its intriguing. I really wanna know WHO he was to protect and what happened to the signal. Was he betrayed? Sounds like it...so far your plot seems solid but since its just the prologue, we really don't know much...
Characterization: Your O.C. seems to be alright. Clare's attitude is understandable but how did she know where to follow him from? And why didn't he just appararated to where he was going instead of running?
Structure: Your narrative is fantastic! Very easy to follow and not TOO detailed. Sometimes when you add a lot of details it can become boring and tedious. You've hit a middle ground which is great. You DO have one tiny problem. "Claire continued to took at him, begging him with her eyes to leave with her." I think you mean 'look'
Other than that, great chapter! I look forward to reading more.
By the way, thanks for being patient! I know its been a while
PerelandraAuthor's Response: Hey Remus/Perelandra! Thanks so much for the review :) I understand with the holidays and all, I'm about to go on vacation myself woot!
A lot of these questions you have will be revealed MUCH later in the series. I'm glad you are curious/intrigued. To answer a question I thought was answered in the text: he had to appear muggle in order to not bring attention to himself.
About my narrative, thank you! *beams* I'm glad it was enjoyable and that you felt I found a medium in detail and action. I will fix that little mistake when I get the chance.
Thanks again, I really appreciate the review!
nrb Report Review
hey there :)
that was really written, it drew you in from the first few paragraphs :) its an amazing way to start your story.
everything else was fine, that scene with his "attacker" was great, i wasn't expecting it to be his wife.
let me know when then next chapter is up!Author's Response: Hey philly94! Thank you for reviewing my story :) I'm glad you enjoyed the attacked scene. I have no idea when the next chapter will be out, but I will let you know haha. Thanks again!
Lisa Report Review
notreallyblonde44: Hi! Laurie here with your requested review over at the forums ^.^
Okay firstly, Wow! I found this immediately intriguing by the way you used the mysterious elements, e.g. Not knowing that his "attacker" was his wife until afterwards, I found my pulse racing a little at one point and then finding it was his wife I seemed to sigh a bit?
Also, I like the brief mention of Dumbledore's vague mission "he was to protect" as this seems very much what Dumbledore would of said, so even without his face being shown you characterized him perfectly.
Of course your other two characters are OC so I can't really comment on their characterisation too much, but I thought that Chris' was well thought out and seemed very protective/loyal, so I grew fond of him in the little time we had.
I'm guessing that the (was it death eaters?) killed him then? :( Or possibly just seriously hurt?
I'm quite intrigued as to whats going to happen and to where this story is going to go from here, So as for your worry on this. Don't worry? Haha. I think the chapter was structured well and perfectly written for your purpose.
Laurie.Author's Response: Thanks Laurie! I really appreciate the review and you reviewed it so quickly lol.
I'm glad you got a sense of Dumbledore with the statement, which I was debating about how to do for awhile while writing this. So that's awesome haha. And I'm glad you enjoyed the little jaunt with Christoph. We'll see how this moments plays a role muuuch later in the story. Yes, they were death eaters :) Maybe I should look at that and not make it as vague hmmm.
I'm glad you are intrigued! That makes me happy lol. Thanks again!
Lisa Report Review
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