not enough poon-tang. 0/10 Report Review
Things I noticed:
'She grabbed her owl from her father' -this line made it seem that she literally grabbed the owl and not the cage lol. I know it's nit-picky, but it's important to pay attention to how the language relays images and descriptions to your readers.
'Daphne burst from her thoughts as she hit into someone.' -burst from her thoughts? I don't understand what that phrase means...it seems like she is speaking, but she wasn't so...confused me lol.
'not looking up from "How to Charm a Wizard"' -punctuation missing here and in the next line too.
'Daphne took out a book and was about to open it when she saw
Blaise pass by. "Hey Blaise!" Daphne said excitedly. -That needed to be one sentence on the same line.
Blaise looked at her and said boardly, "Hi Daphne," still walking.' -in a bored tone. Boardly isn't a word ;) & I don't get why she likes him...although he does seem like your most dynamic character thus far.
Okay, so there are a few punctuation mistakes in this one that you make repeatedly. Make sure before you post a chapter that you read it aloud and carefully so that you can catch those mistakes, I know that always helps me. But, because you make similar surface error mistakes so often, maybe you should consider picking up a Beta that can help you catch those mistakes in the future :)
Hmm. Some more tension and Slytherin drama in this chapter. I wish it was longer so that I could get a better sense of all the characters. I like how you keep the story relatively canon thus far and that you juggle multiple people in the chapters with no problem. I find that I struggle with this a lot in my writing, but you don't seem to have that problem here. All of your characters are pretty distinct and you show that and not tell us, which is also a positive.
Hope this helped any and good luck with this series in the future!
nrb Report Review
Hi Kattia! Me again.
Things I noticed:
I find you author's note to be unnecessary. All of those things could be easily explained and developed over the course of the fiction. Already first the first paragraphs I learned what I supposedly needed to know in the Author's note. Don't cut your writing short, you can tell us all you want to tell us while writing the story, not in an Author's Note.
'sliver, silk comforter and look at her smirking face' -silver? No need for a comma after silver.
'"Nice robes Daphne," Astoria laughs her mouth full of muffin.'- comma before Daphne because there is always a comma before addressing someone in dialogue. And gosh, she is nasty! And probably like a RL little sister. I wouldn't know, and now I'm happy about it LOL.
Ministry is a proper noun and proper nouns are always capitalized.
'I kick his hard in the shins and run as' -him or his shin hard
'She turns around and prances, like a horse, out of my room as I roll out of bed.' -LOL. Not sure if you meant it that way, but I took this like a horse to be clunky and stomping in an annoying way and it was funny to me :P
I liked the bits about being sick of seeing Harry's face. I can totally see that being true, although at the time; wouldn't Dumbledore still be all over the news too?
Hmm interesting dynamic and premise to the story. I always love reading a new take on canon events, so I'm curious where this is going to go. And, of course, as a Slytherin, I am happy as a lark to be reading a Slytherin piece lol. But I have a few concerns about this:
1. Draco was really emotionally everywhere. 2. Daphne, while a totally legit Slytherin, seems to display no Slytherin traits yet (ad I'm not referring to the cliché icky ones either aha). I'm curious how this will develop for sure. 3. I think Astoria is like a baby-Pansy in this one-shot. At first, when she was just with her family and sister, she was perfectly spoiled and understandably sound character, but then when Draco got around she turned out to praise and flounce for Draco like Pansy did lol. I don't think that's a trait Draco would ever respect, let alone eventually marry...just putting my two knuts in.
While these things concern me, you did do some nifty things in this one-shot. You explored an unexplored family dynamic of sisters and you made Daphne a genuinely likeable main character, which is always lovely. I liked that she is concerned and I'm happy to watch her develop over time and see where this Slytherin Tale is going. Onto the next chapter!
nrb Report Review
Oooh, you used my title? :) *preens* Haha.
I absolutely loved this. :) I've always been curious about Daphne. You wrote her very well. It seems like she's sort of stepped on by Astoria - just a quiet, pretty girl sitting on the sidelines. :/
I also loved the way you wrote Astoria. Most people take her in the opposite direction and make her quiet, shy, etc. But this version was really original; I really liked your take on her.
Knockturn alley was terrifying. Draco was *yummy*... ^^;
Brilliant work! Ta ta!Author's Response: Thank You very much! I love Daphne and Astoria.
I usually write both of the nice and caring but I thought in this one I should make Astoria mean Report Review
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