that was awesome!! exactly how i would picture itAuthor's Response: thank you! Report Review
Very good story :) I'm starting to love Astoria much better then I had :PAuthor's Response: Thank you so much Report Review
I absolutely love your story. Please don't stop yet.Author's Response: One more chapter! I'm glad you like it! Report Review
oo this story is sooo good!! I just hav to ask if your gonna keep writing...I hope u do!!! update soon!!Author's Response: There's one more chapter, I'll update as soon as I can! Thank-you for your input. Report Review
Great first chapter! It's very dramatic and intriguing. Keep it up!
-EvieAuthor's Response: Thank-you very much! There's only couple chapters left. Report Review
Nicely written. I absolutely cannot wait for the wedding! Although I do secretly hope that something happens to ruin it, so everyone is with who they should be. Meaning Matt and Daphne, and Goyle and his new muggle.
Cheers!Author's Response: You may be in for what you want... Or not... Who knows? Report Review
Sometimes when you mark a passage of time, like in the very beginning of this chapter, I feel like it throws the flow of the story off a little bit. Unless it is absolutely pertinent for your reader's to know the exact day, I probably wouldn't bother to give such accurate dates, or times, etc. This is one of the few occasions that less is more. A more effective way of saying it would be something like:
Draco awoke, realizing that today was the day him and Astoria had planned to meet with Harry Potter.
Dawn brought about a warm, sunny day, which bodes well, as today is the day Astoria and I set out in seach of Harry Potter.
Whereas in the notes with Rabastan, when they are meeting at a particular time, you included that time, and it is pertinent to the character, and therefor should be included in the story. I hope I'm making sense with that I'm trying to say haha.
Another excellent chapter, and I'm sad I only have one more left to read. For now of course. Keep up the good work!Author's Response: Thank you for sticking with me through this, I really appreciate it. Report Review
Very nice chapter.
I've noticed with your dialouge that when someone is talking you often use a period, rather than a comma before the last quotation mark, even when the sentence continues.
“Whatever, Let’s go.” Cameron said and walked towards the back door of the pub.
It should read:
"Whatever, let's go," Cameron said. . .
Its just a technical instance, and obviously doesn't apply when you're using a question mark or exclamation point. Just thought I'd point it out so the story would flow a bit better!
And I absolutely cannot wait until they go to Harry! Job well done.Author's Response: Thank-you for the critique. I know about the periods but it's honestly too much work and I'm pretty lazy. :) Report Review
Excellent cliffhanger!! Sorry I haven't been around in a while, real life got in the way of things. I'm taking the next week or so to catch up on all my fics, and I've finally gotten to yours!
I can't wait to finish reading the rest of whats posted. I can't get over how much your work has improved since I first started reviewing.
I did notice one thing though... after Draco and Astoria return to Malfoy manor, Perri sends Draco to a spare room. In the first sentence you refer to it as the Pheonix room, but in the next sentence its the Ivory room and described as white and gold. Just thought I'd point that out before moving on to the next chapter (:Author's Response: Thank you so much, and thank you for sticking with me! All of the chapters have already been written since I first began posting for quicker updates. I plan to update soon after I edit this last chapter. Thanks ;) Report Review
I really like this story! Please write more!Author's Response: More is on the way! Report Review
Yay!! I love your story so much and I can't wait for more! I really look forward to your updates so I never know what to expect. Definitely awesome!Author's Response: Thank-you so much!! I really appreciate it!! Report Review
Wow!!! This last chapter left me breathless! I can't begin to describe how much I absolutely love this series! I've been searching for a really good story to get involved in and I'm so happy to have finally found it. You're an amazing writer and I cannot WAIT for more chapters!Author's Response: Thank-you so much! You just made my day! The next chapter will be put in the queue as soon as my wireless begins to work again! Thanks again! Report Review
Ah! What could his secret be?! Loved all the excitement!Author's Response: Thanks, more to come! Keep reading, I have a feeling it may get interesting ;). Report Review
Some of your sentence structure seems a bit off to me, and things would flow a little more smoothly if the order of the words was shifted around. For example, I had to reread this sentence several times before it sunk in completely:
Her long blond spiraled hair was pinned up and had small cream pearls braided into her hair intricately
Personally, I would have wrote the sentence this way:
Her spiralled blonde hair was pinned up, and someone had taken the time to weave soft cream pearls throughout the strands.
Or, perhaps even this:
Her long blond spiraled hair was pinned up and had small cream pearls intricately braided throughout it.
Or something to that effect.
Here, I'd reverse the order of the words as well:
Her dark blue long dress
It flows a little better:
Her long, dark blue dress
The description of the dress after this seems a bit repetetive at some points, especially the part about it being a corset that was stated two or three times.
Overall though, it was a good chapter. I like how you didn't rush into anything crazy with Draco and Astoria, and took your time in this chapter establishing an amazing first interaction between them. I do feel that if I were Pansy, I would have reacted a bit more harshly to Draco's declaration, or at least pop up later and offer him an opinion or two of my own! Poor girl, you almost feel sorry for her.
Your use of similies is also fabulous. I actually laughed to myself when I read the bit about Draco being as scared as a child running into Fenrir Greyback.Author's Response: Thank-you for your constructive criticism. I really appreciate your taking notice to the material rather than the whole story.
Thanks again! Report Review
I can't wait to read more!
I must say I've never much liked Pansy, and am certainly glad Draco didn't end up with her.
Lucius and Narcissa seem a bit OOC to me, although that may just be how I see them. I personally don't feel like lovey dovey is really how they act towards one another, although depending on how strictly canon you're going with this, that may work out just fine for you.Author's Response: I figured while Voldemort was ruling that it tore them apart and made them forget their love for each other. And with that big weight lifted off of them they realized why they fell for each other in the first place. Sort of like reliving their falling for each other.
Lucius and Narcissa aren't a big part of this story, I just thought people would like to see what I thought happened to them after Voldemort's demise. It was probably hard for them to even look at each other during that time.
Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
I like it, the plot has quite a bit of potential!
The one thing I did notice though, is that in this particular line:
'You witnessed the confrontation between Dumbledore and Draco Malfoy? Kaxley asked.'
I feel as though Kaxley would not refer to him simply as Dumbledore, being as they are in a formal hearing, and Professor Dumbledore was one of the greatest wizards of his time. Just sayin :)Author's Response: I did think about that a bit after I wrote it. But I thought about it and since Kaxley knew that Harry and Dumbledore were so close he just used his last name, which the people close to him called him.
Thanks for taking the time to review, I really appreciate it! Report Review
UGH!! I really want to know how Astoria feels about him! If he's so gallant, why won't he make a move?! Don't get me wrong. I love that this story is taking its time and not rushing straight into the romance and stuff, but it's KILLING ME!!! Seriously, I love it. I think you're doing great and I can't wait to see where the story goes.Author's Response: Thank you so much. He's not gallant though, she's the only one who doesn't look at him like a freak. It makes him nervous, he doesn't know how to approach her. There will be a lot more excitement to come! Report Review
Wow. I pretty much love this. No complaint whatsoever!Author's Response: Thank you so much! Report Review
I love this story! Please upload as soon as xx
:))Author's Response: I will update soon! I'm glad you like it! Thanks for taking the time to review. Report Review
Good first chapter, well written. But I wish it was longer.Author's Response: Yes, the beginning chapters start out small. Don't fret, they get much longer! Thank-you for taking the time to review. :) Report Review
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE CONTINUE ON WITH THIS. I. LOVE. IT. Author's Response: I am so glad you like it. I've actually already finished the story so I'll keep posting them :) Thank you for taking the time to review. Report Review
Draco's thought process seems pretty realistic, and the details are nice. There were only a few things I wasn't sure about. School children going at it is a bit concerning, they're under ten, maybe teenagers would be a better word?
Another thing is daphne's court attire... That doesn't seem appropriate for a Wizemgot hearing. I understand that you were using it to characterize her as overly sexy, but a dress plunging to her belly button is excessive. Last thing is I didn't think people other then the Wizemgot members, limited press and the defendants were allowed in the court room, otherwise people would have been with Harry during his trial in the fifth book.Author's Response: Actually they weren't in the Court room until after the decision had been made. I may have not been very clear about it, thank-you for the constructive criticism. Report Review
love love love. this is so original im so impressed.Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I really appreciate it. Lots more story to come! Report Review
Good beginning. Nice cliffy.Author's Response: Thank-you, first fan fic ever. Report Review
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