Oh My Gosh! I nearly cried in joy when I saw this! A Harry Potter and Sailor Moon crossover?! And when I started reading and saw the high quality of your writing style, I felt like I fell into fan fiction heaven!
My first thought, with the first part of the story, was that it was so fitting for Harry to be thinking about buying Teddy a toy Firebolt just like his own godfather Sirius had done for him. What a nice tradition! And when Harry deliberated on another gift he had to give someone else (Ginny), I just fell in love with this story completely. I loved how you alluded to their relationship without actually telling us. You are keeping to canon so much, it's beautiful!
Oh My Gosh! Again! YOU'RE USING THE SENSHI'S JAPANESE NAMES! I expected to see Serena, not Usagi! Is there a place better than Heaven? Because I felt like I just got there! Though I must admit, Haruka and Michiru's nicknames for each other threw me off a bit, but I understood where they came from and got used to them in that short scene. And when Luna reflected on what happened to the girls in the years since Galaxia, it all makes perfect sense for them. (Although, regarding the names of the characters, I noticed that you alternated between Usagi and Bunny a bit at the end of the Japan scene. I don't know if you want to flip-flop with readers who might not know that Usagi is pretty much Japanese for 'bunny.')
When Harry, Uranus, and Neptune were in the same scene, I kind of had the Uranus and Neptune theme music running through my head! :P I like how you described their Eternal uniforms. But what really interested me is the part of something that went missing from Harry. Is it part of his soul? His kindness? Something that has to relate to the second Ice Age you keep hinting about? Did Uranus and Neptune take it with them? And if so, why?
Aahhh! Minako! I knew it was her from the red bow! Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh! (Can you tell she's one of my favorites?) I don't know what to think, except that I loved it! Your writing style is excellent and your plot is intriguing. I wish I had more time to go to the next chapter right now! I hope you can tell I'm a fellow Sailor Moon fan! I'll get to reading and reviewing the next two chapters as soon as I can!
(Oh, and if I might ask, what does the 'M' mean in the title? I'm just curious. Does it stand for Magic or something?) Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review!
So I'm still getting over the Sailor Moon/Harry Potter combination. Not that you're executing it poorly - it's just something I never expected to see, and I'm still adjusting to Harry seeing Sailor Moon and co. :P
You did an absolutely amazing job with the dialogue tags! I don't think I saw a single mistake. I'm really impressed - and really glad, because it makes such a difference in style and readability. Some people don't mind mechanical errors, but for a lot of people, it's difficult to look past them, and you've just eliminated the only major problem I saw. Awesome!
Onto the rest of the review.
I thought that on the whole, your characterization was excellent. Haruka and Michiru were terrific, as was Usagi, and I also felt that you captured Harry, Ron, and Hermione well. I didn't really see enough of the others to make a judgment one way or the other, but nobody seemed OoC to me, and I'm sure I'll be seeing more of them soon and will be able to make a judgment then. :)
My bigger issue was actually more to do with keeping them all straight. Because Harry isn't familiar with them at this point, you can't use names, but it ended up feeling a bit unwieldy at times, because you were really having to describe them by their hair, but for a lot of them, their hair isn't so distinctive. I would suggest cutting down on the descriptions of them unless it's necessary, because at least for me, it just bogs down the action - for example, I don't think you need to say that the woman with the short blonde hair attacked when they all yell "Uranus" after she gets knocked out, and I think you could just say that two of them rushed to attack the monster, or that one of them said, "Oh no... Sailor Jupiter!" Does that make sense? Right now, this is from Harry's PoV, and it's not really necessary to distinguish between them all - does it really matter that Venus was the one who said "Sailor Jupiter"?
Other than that, the plot is coming along interestingly, and I'm excited to see what happens next. :) Feel free to rerequest. Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review!
So, you said that grammar was your main concern. That actually really makes me happy, because I can't help but fixate on grammar and often people find that annoying. Yay.
A dialogue tag (in case you don't know) is used to directly describe the dialogue it's attached to. It indicates the speaker, and, frequently, how something was said. [For example: "Harry, where are you going?" Neville asked, or "Usagi, you need to wake up," Luna said.]
If a dialogue tag follows a piece of dialogue, that dialogue should never end in a period or without any punctuation at all; it needs to end in a comma, exclamation point, question mark, dash, ellipsis... etc. You usually got this right, but there were a few points where you didn't. [For example: “I feel strong vibes.” Michiru continued. & “This weather is just too cold” Luna, the Tsukino’s family cat...] When the sentence that follows is not a dialogue tag, however, a period is fine. [For example: “We both thought we could spare her the pain so we turned our backs on her and ended up failing.” Michiru often thought back to that day they both turned on the Princess in order to get to Galaxia but had failed and died.] Additionally, unless the sentence before dialogue is a dialogue tag, it should always end in a period. [For example: Michiru giggled gently, “Someone has to do it.” is incorrect, because "Michiru giggled gently" does not directly describe the dialogue.]
Additionally, a dialogue tag should never start with a capital letter unless, of course, it is a name. Sometimes you did this correctly. [For example: “Maybe it won’t be as easy as I thought…” the cat thought.] Sometimes you didn't. [For example: “Deep submerge!” Another voice cried from nearby...]
Dialogue tags were definitely the biggest problem you consistently had throughout the piece. They weren't terrible, but you could definitely go through and polish it up a bit. :)
I did notice a few typos. Some reviewers don't like to point those out, but I do, because I always want people to point them out to me. :P In the first paragraph, you have "Sitting on the shelves were many broom" - it should me "brooms." You also mispelled "Hannah" as "Hanna" a couple times. Michiru says "We're all happy with our current life" - that should be "lives," since I'm fairly certainly they're not all sharing one life. :P And (to get into the really mundane), Neville had a toad, not a frog.
There were definitely some points where your phrasing or word choice was a bit awkward. For example, in the first paragraph, talking about Harry doing his Christmas shopping felt a little off to me. "He had figured..." is fine, but when you get to "and that starting," the sentence starts to feel awkward. An example of what I personally think would flow smoother would be something like, "... and that starting with his four year old godson, Teddy, would be easiest." It's a slight difference, but one that (at least for me) makes a difference.
I actually had some difficulty with the way Harry was thinking about gifts in general. For some people, it was possessive [For example: Hermione's, Fleur's] and for some it was not [For example: Mrs. Weasley]. Personally, I don't think it's necessary to make any of them possessive if you tweak the bit after "Ron and Hermione" to say "were the second-easiest to get presents for..." Just a thought.
A couple other points where I thought it was a bit awkward:
- First paragraph: "a replica of the Firebolt he once owned" should really be "a replica of the Firebolt he had once owned," because when your character is referencing something in their past (like Harry remembering his old broom), typically "he had" or "she had" (or "he'd" or "she'd") is necessary, rather than just "he" or "she."
- Second paragraph: "sales clerk insisting to give him a large discount" should be "sales clerk insisting on giving him a large discount." The sales clerk is doing both the insisting and the giving, so the verbs should match.
- "Proved wrong many people" should be "proved many people wrong."
Those were the errors that jumped out at me, anyway. Honestly, while I see what you mean about grammar, I don't feel like the errors make it unreadable at all. Fixing your punctuation - and most of the problems I noticed with it were about dialogue - will make a huge difference.
Beyond that (and god, I think this might be a monster-long review, haha), I'm continuing to find the premise interesting. I can't wait to see how you continue to combine the two (assuming you rerequest, of course - I'll probably find my way back eventually if you don't, though!). The characterization is so far pretty much spot on, and interactions between the characters are quite believable.
:) Keep up the good work!Author's Response: This is such a long review! Hahaha!
To be honest, I've never been taught anything about dialogue tag. Didn't even know such thing existed! I'll try to fix the typos here in a bit. You know what's sad? The fact that I re-read this before posting it and did not even see them! Man...sad. Anyway!
I already have the next few chapters written out considering that this story has been posted on another site but before I post chapter 3 I'm going to have to take a look through it and see if I can do the whole dialogue tags. It is a new concept to me so it'll be a while for me to get the hang of it. Once I update and everything I'll definitely go through chapters one and two and polish them up.
I take pride that my grammar is somewhat alright considering that English is definitely NOT my first language. I cannot even write properly in my original language. Ugh go figure. Haha, punctuation is what really gets me so I'm glad you pointed out what needs to get fixed.
As for what you seemed to like: I'm glad you think the characterization is spot on because that, for me, is always a challenge. Specially with two big series with a lot of characters. I want the entire scenario to be "believable" in the world of Sailor Moon and HP and not make things up like Usagi being Harry's long lost twin or Hotaru ending up with Harry. That's just not right. Hahaha! I like canon crossovers.
Anyway! Thanks a lot for the review! I'll definitely re-request and hopefully I might've fixed the dialogue tags a bit. :)
Hey-a!I'm here with your requested review!
I love Sailor Moon series!:D...I dont know what "M" means in your title?
Neways,You have written very well, there werent much mistakes!The usage of words,characterization is absoultely amazing!
Well!I loved the names of character (actually one of the name is ma Fav!). The introduction of the characters were excellent..The flow of story till now is perfect!And I'm curious to read more & thank you for introducing to such a nice Fanfiction:)
8.5/10Author's Response: Omg! Yay! Someone that loves the series like I do! :D
Which one is your fave? I'm glad you think the introduction of the characters were great because I was slightly worried...specially with Venus' intro.
Thanks for taking the time to read and review it! :D Report Review
Hey it's Logamind here from the Forums with your Review.
It's a good start to the story. Even the parts I had no clue about were well written.
Harry and Neville were both in character I thought. There was only one or two lines that we're slightly OOC but you could hardly notice them.
I think Harry would ask Neville "How's your Gran?" rather than "How's Augusta?" He had called her that all through Hogwarts and just personally I don't see him changing it since then. But that's just my personal opinion.
I'll definitely try and read more of this. It's an interesting read and hopefully i'll soon get all the Sailor Moon parts.
LogamindAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks for the review! And I definitely think you're right about the OOC of that line. Harry would call Neville's gran by well...Gran instead of by name. I'm glad you think it was well written! As for the Sailor Moon parts, don't worry, in the later chapters I'll have some kind of "fillers" and help for those who 1) don't know Sailor Moon or 2) don't remember the details as I'm going with the Manga instead of the old anime.
Anyway, once again thanks for taking the time to read! :D Report Review
I love this. Two of my favorite things combines. Can't wait for the next chapter. Amazing job.Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! I love Sailor Moon as well, so writing about this AND Harry Potter...its a dream come true. Hahahaha. I've always thought about doing it...but until now I finally got the plot going. I'll update asap! :D Report Review
It's actually pretty good. Update soon.Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'll update as soon as possible! :D Report Review
Hey there :)
great first chapter, your plot was interesting to read.
Harry and Neville's characters were good, i liked how you pointed out that Neville had changed since Hogwarts.
Just one grammer thing,
"The Leaky Cauldron," Neville said pointing to the distant building. "Hanna is moving there, got the job as Land Lady so I'm here helping her out."
If you meant Hannah Abbot, her name has an "h"at the end.
Land Lady=landlady no need for it to be capitalized
other than that, great job!Author's Response: Hey! You know, I really thought I had answered to your review...
Anyway, thanks for reviewing! I'll be changing Hannah's name here in a bit and the "Land Lady" issue. Thanks for pointing them out! I've always liked how Neville had a major transformation and finally came out of his shell. So I'm trying to explore that part of him in this story.
I'm trying to keep the plot as simple as possible considering that its a cross over so I'm glad you found it interesting!
Anyway! Thanks for reviewing!!! And so sorry it took forever to answer. :S Report Review
I LOVE SAILOR MOON!
first anime i ever watched ^.^
i love it how, the chapter wasn't too short.
keep writing XDAuthor's Response: zomg! You're my first review! Hahaha! Thanks for reviewing it. I wish I had a cool banner to go with it but alas TDA is busy. Oh wells. XD Anyway! I'm glad you liked it! Sailor Moon was my 1st anime too and I love it still!!! Once again, thanks for the review...I'll be updating as soon as I can! Report Review
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