Reading Reviews for Little Black Books
  
7 Reviews Found

Review #1, by libby103 Hide Me

2nd January 2011:
Hey! It's Liberty from my review thread on the forums!

Another short and sweet chapter. However, while it is still engrossing to read, it's not as effective as the previous chapter.

Anna's character is developed a bit when we get to see a little of her reaction to Charlie's writings. We also learn a little of Charlie's early thoughts of her.

The plot of the story doesn't move forward much, except to show Anna's time on the train and her sending out the owl. I took a little peek at the next chapter, and saw that she was already off the train. It was a smart move to cut it off, rather than having two completely different scenes in one chapter. However, you could've added something to this to make it a little longer and a little more interesting.

I still adore the show of Anna and Charlie's relationship though! Showing an early thought of her reinforces the fluffy aspect of it.

To get on to the, hopefully constructive, criticism.

Not really sure why you capitalized "goosebumps" in "She shivered slightly, ran her hands up and down her arms in order to get rid of the Goosebumps."

There's two errors in the sentence; "The carriage was occupied by one other person, a tall male with short brown hair who looked like he was ready to fall asleep but his eyes lighten at the sight of Anna." You change tense in the middle of this. You start out with the past-tense form of "seemed" and use the present-tense form of "lighten." There should also be a comma before "but."

Also, there's an incomplete sentence I noticed in Charlie's "Anna" book. "That girl, Anna." isn't a complete sentence, it should probably be joined with the next sentence using a comma. In Charlie's writings there is some lesser errors with incomplete sentences, but I think it's purposeful and adds to the story by giving him a personal style of writing.

Again, a couple of missing commas, mostly the ones that are used to connect dialogue with the speaker (sorry, I must sound like I'm obsessed with commas!) and a few capitalization errors that are common with people who use a word processor like Microsoft Word. After dialogue, personal pronouns should not be capitalized.

One spelling error, probably a typo though, "according to the dare above the entry Charlie had written it a week after their first meeting." I think you meant "date" rather than "dare."

You might want to invest in a beta, cos the second pair of eyes usually catches a lot of things we don't and if you're lucky, they'll be grammar freaks and spot everything from punctuation to capitalization.

I'm hopeful that this was, at least, slightly helpful...
I'm sorry! I'm really nitpicky about things... and this review is extremely long...again.
from,
Liberty (libby103)

p.s. I'm not going to review the next chapter, seeing as how I only promised two reviews. You also might be wiped out after reading these two...they're rather long. However, my slots aren't being taken really, so if you'd like me to review the 3rd chapter, just re-request on my topic.

Author's Response: Hey again!

Yeah, I wanted to sort of lighten it up, according to my cousin who makes a similar trip to Anna every year, the train ride takes six days.

I really love writing Anna because she's a lot stronger to some of my other character which is a nice change but she still has that hopeless romantic in there.

She's very slowly getting towards her destation, there's one more scene on the train before she arrives and the reason why she's leaving is revealed, sort of.

I think that was Word's fault, Oops!

Thank you for both lovely reviews, they've been amazing at helping.

x Ely

P.S. Trust me, when the reviews start piling up you'll regret saying that!


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Review #2, by libby103 Take Me Away

2nd January 2011:
Hi! It's Liberty from my review threads on the forums!

You said you just wanted someone's opinion on this, so I'm going to get to that first.

This chapter is short and sweet, but very informative. It tugs the heartstrings in the slightest due to your descriptive language, even before we know the characters.

You laid out the foundation for the rest of the story very nicely, giving us the basic information on the main characters and their relationship. You do this all while leaving us hanging about why Anna is leaving, we are left wondering about why Anna isn't safe with Charlie. There's an endless amount of questions placed in our minds with this chapter, and that gives us the right incentive to keep reading.

At the same time, you give enough information about the characters to get us a little emotionally invested. That's another incentive for a reader to keep going on. Anna's good looks and tough personality are a cliche that people love, the funny way she and Charlie got together, those get readers into the story.

While I love how short and sweet this chapter is, I sort of want to see Anna and Charlie's first date. Maybe in a future chapter? I don't know...

I also love how this is a fic about Charlie. We don't see enough of him, in my opinion. And I absolutely love the idea of him being with another dragon trainer. I'm not sure if this is done often, but this is the first time I've read it.

None of the errors I saw were obvious, but there were a few.

That was my overall opinion of the story, if you want, what's hopefully constructive, criticism, read on.

Grammar-wise, there were a couple of places where a comma would've been nice. "In fact for the first five years, she had hated Charlie Weasley with her whole being." There should be a comma after "In fact". I saw a few missing commas and if you're going to be editing this later, and would like to know similar places like this, feel free to PM me on the forums.

My eye caught no spelling errors.

However, there was a missing word in a sentence, and it made no sense if you read it slowly. "Charlie however didnít seem to get this message and had been punched, slapped, kicked and threatened several but still rallied her up. " The "several" is left hanging, if that makes any sense. I think you meant to insert "times" in between "several" and "but". There's also a comma needed before the "but."

So overall, I love your story so far. There's just those tiny mistakes, but other than that, I think that it's developing nicely.

Sorry this review is so long! And I'll be leaving you another one as well!
from,
Liberty (libby103)

Author's Response: Wow. Both my best friend and I are staring at these reviews speechless.

I'm not overly great at creating incredibly long chapters, not at least until I really get into the story.

It's not going overly well with readers at the moment as Charlie/OC fics aren't really popular but I'm really glad you like it.

I'll keep that in mind, I admit it'll be a lot of fun to write. I've already got a few plot bunnies stirring.

It's done quite a lot but I'm hoping that what I've done and plan to do is totally different to every other one.

Ah! Thank you, I'll hopefully find a beta in the next month or so to fix all those mistakes up.

Aw, thank you so much for being so kind and helpful!

That's alright, it's an amazing review!

x Ely


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Review #3, by xxpetrapan Budapest

10th December 2010:
I loved it! I want to know why he dad is hiding haha

-Kattia

Author's Response: You find out soon enough trust me, and you'll love it.

x Ely


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Review #4, by xxpetrapan Hide Me

10th December 2010:
I loved this chapter, of course! Charlie is so cute, writing his every thought of Anna! I wish I boy did that for me, I bet not (or maybe so creepy guy who is in secret lust with me has!) I am looking forward to the rest

-Kattia

Author's Response: Oh god, so do I. Haha, maybe!

x Ely


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Review #5, by xxpetrapan Take Me Away

10th December 2010:
Yay! Charlie/OC! I have read one of those and I am gald I read yours! I love Anna so far, she is spunky I can tell!

-Katt

Author's Response: I love Anna too :) I'm glad you like it too.

x Ely


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Review #6, by MrsJaydeMalfoy Hide Me

24th November 2010:
Love it! I wonder what's going to happen! But my heart aches for Anna and Charlie! Upload soon, please!

Author's Response: Thank you Jayde! It'll get better for them in time, I promise. I have got the next chapter written, I just need to post it.

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Review #7, by MrsJaydeMalfoy Take Me Away

11th November 2010:
Awesome! This is a great start! I can't wait to see where it goes from here, you've built up quite a bit of suspense. Let me know when the next chapter gets approved!!

Author's Response: Haha, Thank you so much Jayde! Oh I have plans, very good plans (I hope) Thank you so much for reviewing and I shall let you know.

x Elius :P


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