Wow! Nicely written. I love it. Report Review
Hello! Hmm a very interesting start to a seemingly very interesting and original story. I enjoy the subtle comedic prods at what people expect when they read fanfiction: rainy days, shady characters in shadiness discussing shady topics, and the mocking of the Dark Lord. I particularly found myself chuckling at the French comment too, especially since as readers we do know JK was pulling from a French influence for the name, and because the social commentary was funny too. I'm definitely curious to see how this develops and how Charlie, if that is his real name?, develops into an integral character. Once I figure out the RSS feed, I will be following this story and reading past this chapter ;)
At first I found it difficult to gather who was Charlie and who was Aberforth (if I'm not mistaken) and the the first and second guy was tripping the flow of the dialogue for me. While I understand this was intentional and does creative a mysterious element that forces the reader to focus on what the characters are saying, introducing names to differentiate the characters earlier might have helped my brain not jumble up first and second and other and other man so many times lol. Just a minor suggestion. Otherwise, great start! I'm curious to see how this plot develops and see Voldemort change these men's opinion.
Oh! This will be a random suggestion as well, but you might want to look into getting a banner for you story over the The Dark Arts (TDA). I know, it's semi-superficial, but banners look gorgeous and always boost me into writer when I'm in muse withdraws haha. Check the side bar for a link ->
8/10 for creativity and solid writing~Author's Response: Thanks, nrb! I'm glad you enjoyed it, especially the part about shady characters and the reference to Voldemort's name. One of my favorite parts of the books is JK's ability to stick in little bits that make the reader go, "Ooh! I know something the character doesn't!" So that's something I aim for in my own writing as well. :) More to come!
As for the 'first man'/'second man' confusion, yeah, I think you're right. In retrospect, I felt like changing it to make it clearer, but I wrote the prologue and published it some months ago, so I decided just to keep it rather than change it after people had already begun to read.
And thanks for the suggestion about the banner! See, I have mostly been publishing on mugglenet (where there are more chapters already up, if you want to have a look!), and my favorite bannermaker there is currently booked solid, so I have been waiting for awhile. I do have someone working on a trailer for my story, if you'd believe it - very excited for that. But I didn't think to look on HPFF for a bannermaker! Plus, HPFF allows banners in the story descriptions, which is so much cooler. :D I will look into that!
Thanks for the review!
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