I loved it! This was so sweet! You have a lovely talent for writing these characters, you make them very believable. I liked how you kept Fleur accent in the story still, it makes it more realistic and added something to the story. The pace was lovely, it didn't feel rushed or anything like that. In all, a very good story and it deserves a 10/10.
xxxAuthor's Response: thanks :D i'm glad you liked it Report Review
Hey there! It's dreamschemes from the forums! Sorry for taking so long to get to your review!
I really enjoyed this story. (: The pacing was nice, and it had some very interesting and entertaining moments (like when Fleur started yelling at Dom), although I felt that Fleur (judging from what I've read about her in GoF, HBP and DH) seems a little OOC with her reaction, although judging from what Dom did and how she reacts normally, according to you, it appears to be a bit appropriate.
Well, we don't really know much about Dom's actual personality, because Jo hasn't revealed or explained her (out of what I know and read), and I notice that every author characterizes her differently. But you kept her personality consistent, and that's all that matters. (:
I'm just wondering, do you speak French, or did you use like a translator? I'm only asking this because you're using the formal speech with Fleur to Dom, when she should be using informal. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure that's right. *shrugs*
I really liked the plot and its simplicity, and how it gave the reader plenty of background info, yet not too overbearing. Good job (:
Thank you for your request!
dream_schmeanAuthor's Response: thanks for the review! i speak a little french, but i'm nowhere near bilingual :P Report Review
Here to review as promised.
My first thought when I finished reading was that I enjoyed the argument, and your writing is really quite good. Overall, a nice one shot!
The beginning paragraph is good, and you introduced the character here to us without using the cliche, "My name is Dominique", which is good! It made it obvious who it was in this line, "Maman looked really angry, but all she would tell Vic and I…" I thought the French in the first paragraph was well done, and not over done. "Oncle", "Tante" (had to search to find out what that meant), "Maman", "Grand-mère". It was good that you gave the translations for the French, otherwise the plot in your story would have been really confusing. I loved how you wrote Fleur's dialogue, the French is just brilliant. "Eet, zen, zat." Awesome job on that!
Your characterisation is great! From a few simple sentences, "We had all started Hogwarts last year, but thankfully I was a Ravenclaw and they were in Gryffindor so I didn't have to see them that often. He and James usually spent the party playing jokes on each other…" we already find out some of Dominique's personality and her opinions on Fred and James. I thought Fleur was wonderful, as was Aunt Angelina and Aunt Audrey. This line was great, "Sure enough, as I walked into the house I heard Dad say, "She called him what?" and Uncle George laugh", as it just makes it just a tad more interesting."
Spelling, punctuation and grammar seemed well done. I didn't find any noticeable mistakes, which is good, because it means that either you don't have any, or you do have some, but they aren't that important that they are obstructing me from reading your story and enjoying it.
The plot was really simple, but in this one shot it worked quite well. Basically, your plot was a good idea, I don't think I've read one like this before! As I said, your writing is really quite good, and this is a great story! I can't really fault you on anything! By the way, your title is great, and so is your summary!
-maskedmuggle / Charlotte :)Author's Response: thanks for the review :) Report Review
here to review and i am so terribly sorry this took so long!! i got lost in RL and my writing for a while there!
i quite enjoyed this. ive not read a fic where Dom was so young before, still mostly a child, and i liked that about this piece. the tone was just right - you maintained that childlike/adolescent phrasing and pitch and it really paid off.
this was my favourite line: "Louis would laugh as he pranced around casting spells at everything while I was locked in my room, eating cold oatmeal."
hahahaa! wonderful imagery!!
you wanted to know about characterisation - i thought everyone was great. each role was played wonderfully, so well done. i can't really say too much more because, like i said, i've not read many fics like this one.
no spelling/grammar errors as far as I can see but it is late and i have taken my teacher hat off for now xD
great job!! feel free to request another from me!
KateAuthor's Response: thanks! I'll definitely be requesting more reviews! Report Review
I love this! I love how you have Fleur's accent in the writing! I love Fred and his annoying-ness!
10/10Author's Response: thanks for the review :) Report Review
I enjoyed Dominique, and Fleur, and the brief mention of Tedoire, and Fred, and James, and all the Weasleys, and I suppose everyone!
Dominique especially. You totally win brownie points for revamping her character. Sure, the first few tomboy Doms were cute, but after a while, it was plain boring. I LOVE YOU for not conforming! Instead, it appears that Victoire's the tomgirl and Dom's the girly girl :D
...but it would be right on spot for Fred and James (dear me, I almost put George!) to be annoying to their cousins. Luckily Dom has a little fire in her, even if it did get her in trouble with Fleur :D
I had no problem with the French. Reading it was a breeze. But I also am partially bilingue so I might be a little biased :)
One thing that would make this story even greater would be if you added a little more structure/focus to it. It was ruddy cute, but I expected a more concrete structure to it. Sorry if this doesn't make much sense...?
Hurray for Angelina (double thanks for putting her in the story...and giving her an adorable nickname ;D Angie fits her so well, and I'm surprised it's not used more). Fred needed to be kicked in shape, although the Quidditch restriction is a bit overboard.
Oh, and before I go, I'm surprised Fleur didn't punch Audrey in the face for telling her to go easy on her own daughter. Although it was mega awesome, Fleur doesn't seem like the type to listen to what other people say when it comes to raising her children. Hmmm.
Toodaloo, hope you come out with some more stories soon! (RHYME!)Author's Response: thanks for the review! i kinda based the Bill/Fleur branch of the Weasleys off my own family, I(the oldest) am more of the tomboy-ish one, and my younger sister is Miss Priss :)
Moi aussi suis bilingue,well, partly,but you have to be when you live across the river from Quebec (french province)
I meant to add more structure to it, but I was rushing to have it done for the deadline. If I ever have some free time i'll go back and re-vamp it.
hi there, it's ambezbambez from the forums with your review!
Well, this was a cute little one-shot, wasn't it? I enjoyed Dominique, and Fleur, and the brief mention of Tedoire (Author's Response: thanks for reviewing! Report Review
What a cute little story! Considering I participated in this challenge, I can tell you that you really understood the idea behind it and, without even checking, I can tell you got Dominique's first swear word, right?
I really had a good time reading this. I love how you used the girl's point of view and wrote the story using first person; it gives it a different edge and works wonderfully with the feel of your story.
Personnally though, I find that the mother's reaction (Angelina pulling Fred of the team for that...) might be a tad overboard but that's just me. I did love the fathers' reactions at the end though, they were perfectly in character!
I noticed a couple things while I was reading and I wish to point them out to you.
First thing I noticed was that after a French sentence, when there's a coma, you always put a space before it when there is no need for it (egs: "bilingues ," ; "Maman ,").
"Repondre moi maintenant"; just a spelling correction here, it should be 'réponds-moi maintenant!'
“She didn’t know what it meant, Angelina knows that,” She told her in a soft voice..." 'She' should either not be capitalized or it should be a point instead of a coma at the end of the dialogue
Thats it, not much to correct because it is a really good piece that is quite enjoyable to read. It was a really great trip inside of Dominique's mind (I loved her dramatisation of the consequence she might get for saying the word!); it flowed brilliantly.
AkussaAuthor's Response: thanks :) I liked Bill and George's reactions at the end too. I wasn't intending for Fred to get pulled off the team, I guess in my mind she was overreacting, and would forget about it after, but when I started writing that part that's just how it turned out :P
thanks for pointing out the mistakes, I'll fix them as soon as I get a chance Report Review
They don't allow editing of reviews, so I had to log out to be able to say I just realized I wrote Angela instead of Angelina. D'oh!
Since reviews should be about the story, :D, I did notice on second look that you have some dialogue formatting errors.
“Go away Fred, I came out here for some quiet.” I told him
When someone's speaking, you use a comma ("quiet," I told him). When it's an action, that's when you use a period ("quiet." I clenched my fists.) to avoid a comma splice. Also, when people are speaking, you use lowercase "he asked" instead of "He asked." If it's an action tag (clenched fists, etc) then "He" is capitalized because it follows the end of a sentence.Author's Response: ha thats fine :) i do stuff like that all the time.
thanks for the review, i'll look at the stuff you mentioned. Report Review
Cousins have a way of getting on each others' nerves at family gatherings, and although Fred's a little heavy-handed about it, you did a good job conveying that, and making it believable that Dom was pestered until she couldn't stand it anymore.
I found your characterization of Fleur and Angela very interesting. I think of them as being more cool and collected, not the types to yell and threaten, but Dom's thoughts about her brother laughing while she was locked up eating cold oatmeal were funny.
I do have some questions about your use of French.
Oncle Henri had used it after a wizard had tried to blow up a Muggle train station
Shouldn't that have been "after a witch"? Or the French equivalent for SOB?
Also, have you considered putting the English translation after the French that isn't easy to figure out by context (like "Mais Maman")?
“Dominique, deed you just say what I thought you said? Repondre moi maintenant! Answer at once!”
It would tell readers what Fleur said in a natural way, because she's translating her slip for her English speaking relatives, and readers wouldn't need to scroll down to the A/N to find out if the phrase means what they think it means. :)Author's Response: thanks! i'll look at those things you pointed out Report Review
i liked that
and i loved how george laughed at the end
i love george
and i would have called fred that too if i was in her position
=]Author's Response: ha thanks, i liked that part too :)
george is my favourite weasley, at least from harry's generation. I like Rose or Dominique more in the next generation.
thanks for reviewing! Report Review
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