Normally i wouldn't like all the descriptive words you used throughout this story, but it worked really well given the plot and the character. Her emotions and felling of grief and needing to move on was truly remarkable. You have captured the loss of a loved one so uniquely and well! This was a great read! :DAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad you somehow enjoyed this piece. Report Review
My heart broke when I read this :(
You really do have an amazing writing skill, it captures my attention so easily :)Author's Response: Wow thank you so much! :) Report Review
Okay, first off, may I just tell you how much I loved your description? It kept everything anonymous and thought provoking until the last second! It was thrilling to read and it kept me continually hooked since I wanted to know who each of ther characters were and figure out what the storyline forming around them was all about.
Initially, I found the detail a bit overwhelming. I found this line, "The lustrous light is in its seemingly untimely task to awaken a form who stirred deep in her induced dreamless sleep," particularly hard to read. In fact, I think I read that line more than once in order to comprehend. There are a lot of adjectives and emotion/action tried to be conveyed at one time which causes a rift in the flow. However, as the story progresses on, the flow and the detail pan out perfectly. They find a balance and everything becomes smooth sailing.
Also, I love your use of emotion. This oneshot was unconventional in such a good way. You explored the plot from a whole new perspective. My favorite section was, "In this blissful moment before true consciousness, in that lethargic state, she wasn’t anyone; just a girl awakening from sleep. Have you ever enjoyed those mere three seconds where we know nothing of ourselves? Momentarily free from all those worries of the day ahead?" I liked how involved the reader felt and how intimate the atmosphere felt around the main character. Your characterization was done quite nicely, might I add.
Grammar wise, I didn't spot many errors. You do seem perhaps a tad comma happy, but I'd prefer anyone to overuse commas than to not use them at all! Haha! You seem to have a very distinct style of writing (which is amazing in itself), you just need to polish your detail so it's more concise and a little less wordy. All in all, well done! Keep up the spectacular writing! You were such a delightful first read for my renewed reviewing career!
-leaneyAuthor's Response: Hey there Leaney!
You really did? Thank you! Reading it again, sometimes I feel like I overdid it, you know. I'll try to see what I can do to make it less overwhelming with the "Lustrous light.." part. I was going for an intimate moment and that daunting feeling you get when you have no choice but to follow Time :).
I'm really flattered and curious when you found this one-shot unconventional. Involving the reader was my way to make them understand the situation in a way and gain a certain amount of sympathy, even if a little.
Yay! I did well of the grammar aspect! English isn't my first language and I write poems half more than I write stories, so grammar is a little struggle for me LOL.
Thank you so much for this helpful review!
Proud member of the Slytherin House Report Review
Hello there, gingersnape from the forums here with your review!
Before I begin, I should apologize about how long this has taken! I promise I'm not always this pokey about getting around to reviews!
So, I think I'll just go down the list of things you specified, and then my overall opinion of the story, possibly with a few other comments that didn't fit into the other catagories! Fair warning, this might be a long review, but hopefully a helpful review! :)
Flow: I really didn't see much of a problem with flow, and I liked how much description there was. My only CC is about how I understood the story and how it really felt in tone and all. I really didn't start to understand what was happening until mid way though the fic, and a little more canon related detail in the beginning would help me to be able to focus more on how beautiful the description was, rather than wonder what exactly was happening. Once I got into the story and Hermione wa smentioned, I felt like I could connect that and coiuld go and focus my attentions more on Willow and her feelings.
Characterization: Gah! It was beautiful! I really got to know Willow so well ebfore I even knew her, if that makes any sense. One-shots with people who aren't very well knonw or OCs are very hard to pull off, because readers don't really know the characters, but I felt like I really knew and understood Willow, as well as some of the other characters very well in this snapshot of her life. Amazing!
Grammar: I did see a few things that could be changed, but just running over it again, you would probably catch the majority of the little grammar mistakes and typos. My main comment about spelling and grammar would be that your have a fair few fragments in the story. Other than a few mistakes here and there, I thought your spelling and grammar looked pretty good!
Detail: I have to say, it did feel like it was drowning in detail, but I loved it! It's incredibly difficult to have that much detail in a story, expecially a one-shot, but this was done so well I really didn't see it as a problem whatsoever. So, yes, there is a lot of detail, but I doubt I would have enjoyed the story as much as I did without everything being described like it was. Major points for doing that so well!
Messgae: Yup, I really thinnk that once the story built up psat the reflections and musings, that the message became clear and I was able to figure out what was going on well without having it stated really. Beautifully done, and I genuinely enjoyed slowly finding out what happened like I did.
I should mention that the spacing was a bit funky, but HPFF has had some problems with that recently, so if you can't fix them, it's completly understandable. :)
Overall, I really honsetly liked reading this, and I loved how beautiful the words sounded in my mind. They rolled off of the screen very well and it just felt like a very fluid story overall.
I enjoyed having the pleasure to read this, and I hope you have a wonderful holiday! =]
-gingerAuthor's Response: Hello there! :) Don't worry I'm not fussed about it and thank you for taking your time :)
Flow: Sorry about things not making much sense in the beginning. I was going at it in a slow-pace, since it is a one-shot about a certain day.
Characterization: Thank you so much!
Grammar: I work on that one once the queue is open again :)
Detail: Thanks! I really went with it LOL. I wanted the reader to exactly imagine it as I seen it run through my mind. I've always thought that details are like the colors in a painting.
Thank you so much!
Proud Member of the Slytherin House Report Review
Here to review as promised.
My first thought is, this was really a great story. Very well written honestly! Quite a unique insight into how someone might cope with the death of someone close to them.
Characterisation is great! We can really empathise with Willow when we see how distressed and upset she is. The characterisation of Hermione and Mrs. Weasley was great too. All the other characters were well portrayed as well. Nothing to fault here.
I thought your flow was really good! You slowly introduced your ideas, with first Willow alone in her thoughts, then Hermione entering, and then you mention Alex, so we can stop wondering who she's crying about, then you mention Voldemort, letting us know exactly what happened to him. It's really good that you bring in the information and the details bit by bit, because then your flow is controlled, and well, good! And also, you don't straightaway mention things, which keeps us wondering, like here, "Come on dear," said another gentle voice from behind." and then after a few words do you actually tell us the gentle voice belongs to Mrs. Weasley. The last line was really powerful. A great ending line.
The whole plot of this was really just based on someone coping with someone's death, but you made it much more than that by really showing the emotions that Willow was feeling, and how she and the others were acting after his death. You left me wondering exactly who Willow is, which works fine in this story (but still makes me curious).
Your vocabulary is really good! Or you write well using uncommon words, like lancet, brocade, which is good because you add in some really detailed description. Most of it is perfectly fine, sometimes though, be careful not to get too descriptive and use the same words, you use seeped twice. It's very noticeable because seeped is a strong word. Try using different words, and if you notice, you are repeating the same point, because the first time, you say the sun's rays are seeping through the curtains in the window, and in the second, the light is seeping through the curtains. It's kinda unnecessary, but this is just a small thing!
Spelling/grammar wise, is pretty good. Only a few small mistakes that wouldn't even obstruct a normal person from reading the story, except for someone nit picky like me! A small mistake in this line, "How powerless we are against it's strength", no need for an apostrophe in its. Its in itself is already a possessive pronoun. It's with the apostrophe always indicates IT IS or IT HAS, so when you want to show possession of something you just use its. "She wore...belt around it’s tiny waist." Probably a simple mistake, but should definitely be HER. House elves are not its! :P
Simple spelling mistakes, probably typos, "...painted crème like the foam that rises form your daily cup of coffee…" FROM not form. I really like your simile here, great comparison, really gets the colour across! Also, choked, not chocked, and bacon and bread, not "...the beacons and breads…" Both those words already indicate more than one, so you don't need breads. "place bedside Ron" should be beside.
In this line, "for she feared breaking the what seemed like a peaceful state she was in." The wording seems a little awkward. Perhaps "for she feared breaking the seemingly peaceful state she was in" might fit better? Just a suggestion. In, "What will be of her now?" the tense sounds awkward, so "What WOULD be of her now?" would make it sound better. There are a few more tense/word problems, but because of the 6000 character limit I can't list them all. My suggestion would be for you to read over it again carefully, or if you were really concerned about punctuation/spelling/grammar, maybe for this story, or for another, betas are really helpful. (They also help with plot, characterisation, flow, etc, what you were looking for in the review).
Punctuation is okay, just be careful around the dialogue (the dialogue is great by the way, all of it seems natural and flows). "I know you're awake, Willow." Said a gentle voice." Here, after the dialogue, it should be a comma, not a full stop after Willow, and said should not have a capital S. This happens quite a few time throughout the story, so if you have the time, (or can be bothered), I would suggest reading through and correcting it.
Finally, I notice the large gaps in your story, and even if it's unintentional (HPFF did that to my story too), it would be good to fix up the gaps, it disrupts the reading a bit.
Overall, I enjoyed reading this story immensely. Really, it was honestly well written! That big paragraph was just about punctuation. Gosh, this is probably one of the longest reviews I've ever written, so I'll end by saying that this was a lovely story!
- maskedmuggle / Charlotte :)Author's Response: I'm close to tears! You just associated the words 'great' and 'unique' with my work! I feel so...happy. Thank you :)
As for the technical aspects of this one-shot (grammar and all), thank you for taking the time to point them out. I just finished reading through and editing it.
Saeli Report Review
This is HarleyQuinn with your review:
1. I haven't read your mother story, but I really like this piece. It sounds like a soft and mellow reminiscence.
2. Oh, the formatting issue. You can go back and fix the large spaces (it makes it hard to read). One of my stories has this problem, so I understand the frustration with the hpff formatting.
3. Since you specifically requested grammar check, let me start in chronological order (btw, your grammar is good, don't worry. You know how it happens - when you edit your own stories, the mind flows and it's easy to ignore mistakes that you would otherwise catch very easily.)
- "Oblivious to its effects in all those who exists." - this sentence is a bit confusing, consider revisiting it
- "How powerless we are against it’s strength." - its strength
- "In Death, we can oppose" - oppose usually requires an object (not always, but here it doesn't sound right. Try something like 'Death, we can confront'
- "Childish, yes, but she wanted to stay in that moment, of laying down in that sea of sheets barely awake, barely aware."
- in this case, it should be lying down, lay is used when you place another object
- "The four-walled room had three of its walls painted crème like the foam that rises form your daily cup of coffee, " - from, not form (someone was eager to post the story ;) )
- "She took great care as she spoke each word to her, for she feared breaking the what seemed like a peaceful state she was in." - breaking what seemed, the "the" is not used in this case
- "Part of the game was for her not say that he is dead or she’ll loose the game. " - lose, not loose
- "She fear that her voice might break, just like everything else." - feared
- "She wore a thick pillow case with the most vivid shade of pink with a two-inch thick magenta belt around it’s tiny waist." - its
Finally, a remark on the style as a whole. You have a lot of fragments like "Her hands still holding his mug between them." On one hand, this successfully gives your story a feeling of imminence, longing even. But at some parts of it, you do it way to often and it starts getting distracting. Maybe you can consider filtering some parts of it?
Actually, this was more like a beta reading rather than a review, but oh well. I felt the need to point out those things because your writing is very good and emotional and I really liked the story. I felt connected to the characters and that means your characterization is spot on. When you correct those very minor things, it will be flawless ;) Thank you for offering such an enjoyable piece for me to read :)))
KaileenaAuthor's Response: I'm really flattered that you found this piece enjoyable. The review you've given is very thorough and you've covered it well, especially the grammar (was it that obvious that I was so excited to post this? :D) so a massive thank you! *hugs* Report Review
Liked it.Author's Response: *smiles* My first reviewer!!!
Thank you so much :) Report Review
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