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Reading Reviews for Agent of Chaos
19 Reviews Found

Review #1, by missesxsiriusxblack Motive

11th March 2011:
Such a great beginning to what seems to be a great storyy. I love this story already. You seem to know exactly how Rowling wanted each of the houses to be portrayed.
This story is so different from what I normally read, yet, I love it!
The only thing i have to critisize is the grammar. :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad you like it :) yes, its really needs a once over since its been typed here and there and just sent in without proofing ( i work on a whim, that's just me!) :) thanks for reviewing.

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Review #2, by Roonyskatoony Motive

24th January 2011:
Hi :D

Write so I thought I'd return the favour and leave a review for your stories too. I thought I'd start with this one and then go onto your other one because I'd like to just sit down and read it through.

Well anyway, firstly I'd like to say I LOVE the length of the chapter. It contains a great amount of description without dragging on for too long, personally I think the best way of decryption is a true mixture between description of people/settings and dialogue and you struck the perfect balance :D.

Now onto characterisation. I have to say I think that you portrayed Narcissa perfectly and the contrast and yet similarities between her and her friends. I love the tension between Rora and Narcissa because they're both such strong characters and recognise that in each other which seems the only reason why they've become friends and stuck so close. I also enjoyed how you showed their relationships, almost like different tiers within in the same small group. Her description of the Marauders was also good as it's obviously seen purely through her eyes with her opinions without making too many allowances and trying to hard to show everyone else's views of them (I don't know if that makes sense but it does in my head :P) and I know it's difficult to do that properly.

I only really have one small thing, I think perhaps rechecking it and giving it to perhaps address the flow. Other than that, good! I look forward to reading more of your things!


Author's Response: Hey! Thanks so much for stopping by my story :) Thanks so much for your lovely compliments :) It's lovely to have such reviews as this :) Really love it :)

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Review #3, by BellaFan202 Motive

18th December 2010:
Hello! So, the first thing I have to say, is that I am SO sorry it took me 37 days to get to this! I feel so awful! I have just been so busy the past month or two, and I really hope this extra long review makes up for it. :)

Okay, now, to your story review. :)

Positive things:
+ This chapter was immediatly engaging, and only regretfully did I stop every now and again to write this review.
+ I think you did a really good job capturing Narcissa's emotions as a sister who wishes not to anger her evil sister, but doesn't really wish to be TOO evil. Does that make sense? :)

Negative things:
-There are some places where there aren't any spaces between the paragraphs, which is slightly destracting. (Ex. Between the 1 and 2 paragraphs. :))
-'...her feathered hat shadowing her pale beautiful face.' There should be a comma between pale and beautiful.
-'Write back when you arrive at Hogwarts” she said as we walked toward the train,' There should be a comma between the quotes and after the word 'Hogwarts.'
-'“for mother’s sake at least” The 'for' should be capitalized, I think, and there should be a comma between the quotes and the word 'least.'

= Instead of: The trunk that I had packed all my year’s needs into, followed me by my order as I directed it with my wand.: I would say: My trunk, into which I had packed all of the things I would be needing this year, followed me by my order as I directed it with a quick flick of my wand.

(LiveLaughLoveHarryPotter on the forums)

P.S. The word 'Muggle' should always be capitalized. :)

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Review #4, by Phoenix_Flames Motive

13th December 2010:
VERY NICE! I love it!

This is absolutely excellent, and you seem to have such an original story forming here! You don't find very many original stories about Narcissa that are written well, and I have found exactly that.

This is brilliant - awesome descriptions, well thought out, written beautifully, and so very original. I cannot wait for more. You have made Narcissa a character that I could actually like, and her friends sound like people JKR herself would pitch into the story. And even though the name Cherry is rather odd - and maybe you pronounce it Sherry; I read it as cherry (like "pretty please with a cherry on top") - the name reminded me of an exotic dancer. ^_^ But I never said that was bad!

Awesome job here, you ended the chapter on a wonderful cliff hanger. And the thought that goes through her head is so moving and so exciting.

Forgive me Father, for I'm about to sin.

BRILLIANT! Please come request again once you have updated. I have to read more.

10/10 - I don't give 10s very often. Just letting you know. :)

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Review #5, by Stella Artell Motive

8th December 2010:
Wow. A charming story that's very well-written. I think you know how to narrate a Slytherin (in particular, Narcissa) perfectly!! Although, the character herself is annoying, I like this story almost as much as I like 'Caprice'! Please add a new chapter soon!!!

Author's Response: Hey Stella! :)
You're almost a regular!:) Thank you so much for reading Agent of Chaos as well as Caprice! I'm so glad you like them both! Yes, I will definitely be adding a new chapter soon :)

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Review #6, by lunalovegood520 Motive

5th December 2010:
A very interesting plot! I like the fact that it's from Narcissa's point of view and I love (love!) your description of Bellatrix. It was really great.

Your characterization is no problem. However, I do have some suggestions. Your descriptions of things are great; however, I feel that they'll be even better if you made them flow from one idea to the next. For example, in this paragraph

"I reached Compartment 9 and slid open the door, threw my bag onto one of the seats and directed my trunk onto the luggage rack before lounging on the other seat. My feet pressed against the compartment wall next to the door. I wanted to fall asleep while the hordes of people boarded the train. My eyes closed lightly while I waited for the whistle and the engine to come alive."

I felt that it was (this is a bit of an exaggeration) listing the things she did in chronological order (however, with great descriptions) rather than telling a story. So watch out for that in the future!

Also, your descriptions of the Slytherin girls were interesting and fitting. However, I would have liked to have seen the background and personality being brought out as the characters and the plot were developed instead of being listed as an introduction to them.

However, I loved the last scene! It was fantastic and a great way to end the first chapter :)

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Review #7, by philly94 Motive

2nd December 2010:
hey there :)
I loved that last scene, can't wait to see what Dumbledore has to say about that when they get back to Hogwarts!
I really liked the story from Narcissa's POV, most Slytherin POVs focus on Draco or Snape, so it's neat to read something through her eyes.
Narcissa's characterization was spot on :) her dislike of Gryffindor, Lily and Sirius in particular, was really well written. I liked how you described all her friends, the way she called Cherry and Amy her "faithful minions" instead of friends, that just seems like a Slytherin thing to do.
the plot so far is going good, like i said ^, it's neat to read it through a different set of eyes. the flow is great too :)
great job!

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Review #8, by CornishPixie Motive

2nd December 2010:
How very interesting, to see this from the Slytherin's perspective! It was very helpful how you explained some of their behaviour along the way. For example, the bit about why they didn't talk to much about Rora's breakup with Evan. Very interesting!

Thank you very much for the frozen moment, in which you described all of her friends for me. Now I have them straight! They do seem like a good Slytherin bunch. Sweet and friendly until bothered, and then out comes the 'Sectumsempra'. Snape would have already told them of his spell, then, eh? The last line thought by Cissy before she gets into the fight was clever, I thought. Nice work.

Do you work with a Beta? The things I've noticed that could use some fixing in this fic could probably be easily fixed by a Beta. For example, your quotationns. Every sentence that's spoken by a person should have it's ending punctuation mark. You use Question marks and Exclamation points, but why don't you put in Periods when they're needed?

"Try something original" Should be:
"Try something original."

Also, adding in the commas at the end of a speech quotation before 'said ...' would make it all the better as well.

“Black” the word felt like poison in my mouth. Should be:
“Black,” the word felt like poison in my mouth.

See what I mean?
Great work, though! Characterization wise I think you have them down pat, and you've set up the reader to wonder what those Slytherin girls will do next. Very unique perspective you've written about. Good work!

Author's Response: Hey Thank you so much for coming by to review my newest story! I'm so sorry that it's taken a lightyear to do this honestly I just saw this on my unanswered reviews! SO sorry!
Anyway thank you so much for the wonderful words and the great compliments! I really appreciate it and I'm glad that you think it was good :) I really wanted to experiment with Slytherin perspective and I'm really glad you think i've got it down.
Yes i'm working on getting the grammar and everything sorted out with a beta it should be ok after some editting. Thanks again so much for reviewing my story!

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Review #9, by ariellem Motive

22nd November 2010:
Wow! Very good. The Slytheriens seem like perfect Slytheriens and I love reading about the trouble that Marauders cause. 10/10.

Author's Response: Hey!!! Thank you so much :)
So glad you stopped by to read! :)

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Review #10, by krissyanne426 Motive

21st November 2010:

Ahhh! This was epic! I absolutely adored it! I'm excited to read something from Narcissa's point of view, especially where she's not a baby about it.

I loved the "insight" into the girls of Slytherin. You did a really great job of explaining upperclass society. Believe me, I've been there. It's the kind of place where if anyone knew I was involved with fanfiction, my life would be over. It's such a difficult place to live, and to see someone put it into a story is epic for me.

I really like your Narcissa as well. She's fiesty and relatable.

You've got a great opening with plenty of places to go with this. I can't wait to see what happens.

Feel free to request with your next update!

Author's Response: Hi Kristen!

WOW! that was a great great review! Thank you so much! Wow!
I'm so incredibly relieved that this chapter translated everything I wanted to reveal so well!
Wow if you come from that world then I'll definitely be popping up with a few questions for you! lol hope you wont mind.

and YES! I'll definitely be back with a request when I update! Thank you so much again for the awesome review!

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Review #11, by Potter_Princessx3 Motive

20th November 2010:
Hello! Autumn (PotterPrincessx3) from the forums here with your review! Sorry it took me so long; my apologizes. Anyways, on to your review.

Wow. Thats all I have to say it wow. That was fantastic! The beging was great and really grabbed my attention so I would read on. The plot is obvisouly flawless and I can not wait to see what happens next. Also, I love the ending. (:

Sorry, this review was so short...but I still hope it was helpful and was what you were hoping for!

Thanks for requesting, feel free to request again anytime soon.

Author's Response: Hey Autumn! (lovely name by the way :) )

:D I'm so thrilled that you enjoyed this chapter! Wow this is an awesome review Autumn! thank you so much!

I will definitely be back for more :) :)

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Review #12, by Akussa Motive

14th November 2010:
Hi and thanks for requesting a review.
This story is brilliant; you show a lot of great qualities as an author. The descriptive part of this story are clear, original and so easy to picure. You use the right word at the right place and I love that you do not dwell longer than necessary when it comes to describing characters or scenery.

The characters you created are perfect; sadly I do not know much of your work (but I'll get up to it for sure!) so I don't know if you intend to, or have already used those girls in another story but I would love to read more about them! All of them are unique and already you managed to give them soul and purpose.
Lastly, Cissa is exactly as I pictured her as a teenager. Not the weak, follower of her lover we usually see but a free thinker (ok, a tad manipulated by her sister but not that much) and a true Slytherin. Excellent work on making her come to life!

Now, here are some of the typos, grammar or structural points I noticed while reading; it probably isn't everything but these are the ones I spotted easily. I hope you will not find my explanations hurtfull; I intend to show them to you and explain what I did not understand, not be rude...

"and devoid"; everything else is part tense; I believe this verb should too

"Severus was year"; is it 'a' year ahead or 'years' ahead?

“I hope you find a way to make Avery think the same”; you forgot the point at the end of the sentence

"they are our minions."; they 'were' our minions maybe?

"my right with red cheery"; there's an extra 'e' and a missing 'r' to cherry

"I don’t steal more than I do from others!"; not sure what you mean here; should it be '... steal more 'from her' than I do...'?

"Heard a rumour the biggest lowlife"; not sure of the formulation here; plus de double-space gives me an idea you might have forgotten a word maybe?

Well thanks again for requesting; it is really enjoyable to read your work and feel free to request again!


Author's Response: Hey Akussa!

Firstly I must say you are an awesome reviewer! :) I have rarely seen reviewers explain that their intention is to help and hope that the author will not be upset!
That was very sweet of you :)

Thank you so much for the kind compliments you gave me and the fact that you enjoyed my story. I really appreciate your positive comments on Cissa's strong authoritative character and the flow and detail of the whole chapter.
I have taken into account your suggestions for improvement and thank you for your opinions because since I'm too close to the project I don't see it from every angle :)

So thank you very much for your lovely review I do hope that I will get to request you again soon :)


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Review #13, by Reyes91 Motive

14th November 2010:
Hey, dude,

Now, it is very interesting to read in the viewpoint of "villain" characters in the HP world. I've always enjoyed villains more than anything in any story I ever read, so I really liked this. Narcissa is definitely behaving like a Black, which is something I think some people tend to forget. They write her like the woman she became once she had Draco, not the girl she was in school.

I do, however, have some questions. Why is it that she's younger? I looked through your other reviews and on your MTA page, but there was no answer. I'm one that goes for AU stories since I'm not the biggest canon fan, but I do like to keep the ages of people the same. So, I hope there is a very good reason and plot point as to why she's younger.

Also, why does she call Sirius by his last name? I know they're not on friendly terms, but the last name shouldn't be poison to her since it is her last name as well. The name "Sirius" alone should be poison to her.

And lastly, the end curse. That's Snape's spell, I pretty sure we all know that, so did he teach it to Rose?

So, now that those questions are out of the way, your characters are quite enjoyable. They seem to have the Slytherin traits so far, and I can tell the school year is going to be very interesting. There are still tiny grammar problems that I believe someone else pointed out, and the spacing issue that I pointed out before, but nothing that can't be fixed.

Good work on this so far, it's very promising,


Author's Response: Heya!

I'm really glad you liked this! I'm glad you agree with my idea that Narcissa was a very wildly spirited girl when she was young.

I know it's sometimes bothersome that she's younger but I've read a few stories that had her as a younger girl than the Marauders and frankly they were awesome! lol anyway the reason she's young is not complex or because of a heavy plot line... It's just that it's hard to pass up the opportunity to have the Marauders in school as a young spirited troublesome bunch of people with a collection of great personalities I couldn't create on my own. It was just better to have them around than create way too many OCs to fill their places.

She's younger to make it more challenging to get even with them :)

I know she seems arrogant went she talks to Sirius dismissively but things will clear up in the next few chapters :)

Again the plot will show how Rose knows the infamous spell by Snape.

I am working on getting a Beta to look over the mistakes... meanwhile thank you so much for reading my story! :)
will be back on your thread soon ;)

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Review #14, by loonyRae Motive

13th November 2010:
Hello! i'm here with your requested review!

This story is so original! I love that it's from Narcissa's point of view. What I love even more is that you actually kept her in character instead of making her 'secretly nice underneath.' I can already tell this is going to be an interesting story.

One little thing that bothered me however was that Narcissa never mentioned that Sirius was her cousin. Especially with the way she referred to him as 'Black' it made it seem as if they were not related.

Great start to the story however, stop by my thread again when it's updated, I'd love to see where you go with this :)


Author's Response: Thank you so much Rae for the awesome review! I'm so glad that you think she is in character!
I know it's a little formal with her and Sirius but it'll clear up in as the story progresses.

Thank you so much again! :) I will definitely be back with an update :)

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Review #15, by Gen Motive

11th November 2010:
Brilliant! Narcissa was potrayed so perfectly, she's so horrible, but amazing and great to read about at the same time :) Stunning work.

Author's Response: Thank you so much Gen :) Glad you enjoyed her character :) Hope you keep reading!
Thanks again for the review!

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Review #16, by doglover Motive

10th November 2010:
interesting point of view...

Author's Response: Thank you doglover :) as always! thanks for reading!

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Review #17, by naflower05 Motive

6th November 2010:
interesting idea for a story. update again soon!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! Long time no talk naflower :P Hope you are doing well. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing :)

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Review #18, by Jane_Volturi Motive

28th October 2010:
Hi Cali

I don't think that I've ever read anything of yours other than your novel 'Caprice', so it was nice to see what else you could manufacture from the loose ends of the Potter series. Honestly, I loved this! It's not often that I read stories focused on Slytherin characters; people don't tend to maintain the element of excitement whilst writing about them, they seem to forget about all of the fun, intriguing traits that Slytherins possess. I like the fact that you managed to cover all of them through Narcissa and her friends, and I also love how you have them contrast so greatly with the Gryffindors, I loved that little confrontation at the end between Narcissa and Sirius, it was great!

I think you've characterized Narcissa very well indeed. We're so used to seeing her act like a worried mother obsessing over Draco, so it's nice to read about a younger version of her, where she's more influenced by her peers such as Bellatrix and her other Slytherin buddies. I'm glad you chose to use Narcissa as your main character and not Bellatrix, it's very rare that I've ever seen her used as an MC in a story so it was a good change. I also really like your OC's, you can tell that you've carefully considered each of their traits so that they appear united by their slytherin attributes yet unique in their own style. I can't wait to see what will become of their schemes to get back at the Gryffindors.

Of course, I LOVE what you've done with Sirius. He behaved very in character, particular due to the fact that he was in the company of a Slytherin. I really hope you include him more in future, he really is a great character and representative of Gryffindor during that era.

So far I really like the plot, it's simple, but exciting. We're seeing things from the Slythering POV which is rare but very insightful at the same time. I can't wait to read more. Your writing also was brilliant!

Notify me when there's an update, I quite like this, it shows a lot of potential.


Author's Response: As usual Katie your reviews make me soar! lol No really if ever there was an award for the most encouraging fanfic writer/reader/reviewer! That's got your name on it! I'm so glad that you liked this chapter and I'm hoping this turns out well in the future. I will definitely keep you posted on updates! Thank you so much for stopping by! :)
Love, Cali

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Review #19, by nextgenoration Motive

26th October 2010:
HEY HEY HEY! It's NGseries from the forums. Well, as I am so lame and useless, and have nothing else to do, I decided to be awesome and review your new story! Yippy-skippy for Ash! (I hate when I don't get reviews after advertising so I thought that I'd do a good deed!)

Anyway, I try to be superdy-duperdy nice when reviewing because (the few times when I actually see a story that looks fun to read and review) I, being an author, too, know how truly discouraging it is to have negative things in a review. So here goes.

You have to remember to add commas after dialogue! ^^ Now, this isn't a big deal really because most people (those who aren't neurotic about grammar like myself) won't notice it, but to others like myself, it's distracting. But do not fret! Holy moly did I have an issue with that for the longest time. I didn't understand why you needed commas until I finally had my tremendous beta explain it to me. So, I shall do the same for you! :D

So here's how it goes: "I ran into a tree" cried Lisa (heh).

It should be, "I rand into a tree," cried Lisa. Always. :)

Why? Well, all I can tell ya is that that's just the way it is. I'm sure there's some lengthy explanation of why and how, but who really cares? ;) Grammar is silly. We just accept it for what it is.

Besides that, you had an absence of needed commas here and there.

The rest was completely awesome, though! You're potential as an incredible writer is very evident - trust me. If you ever need someone to look over your stuff, don't hesitate to ask mah dear!

Anyway - awesome job!


Author's Response: Hey!
So lovely of you to drop by and review too! Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing. I'm glad you like it, hopefully it'll get better as it moves along. You caught me! Grammar is my weak spot :( but I'm working on it :) thanks for the tips!
Hope you keep reading :)

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