Hey, It's Tashi again.
WHY DID YOU ABANDON THIS?!?! THIS IS AMAZING!! I REALLY WANTED TO READ MORE TOO! Could you please un-abandon this? 'Cause it is such a good story!
Tashi Report Review
I love it. It's very interesting, and you portrayed everyone and explained everything wonderfully. I can't wait for chapter three! Report Review
Hi, Aderyn here for your review (from the forums)
This isn't a bad start at all. Cora seems like an interesting character, though she isn't exactly acting her age (17). She seems too bubbly and says things like "oh my gosh" a lot. If that's her personality, fine, but maybe make her a bit more mature.
Also, I think you could use a beta reader for spelling and grammar. You have a fair amount of capitalization and grammar errors. Example: ""Your welcome, Cora!" mom replied" That should be: "You're welcome, Cora!" Mom replied."
Overall, not bad, this is the beginning though, so I can't say much for plot, though you have a nice set up.Author's Response: Thanks so much Aderyn. I really appercaite you taking the time to leave the review. I never thought of Cora not acting her age... I guess snice I am the writer (I am not the type of person who acts there age!) I am portraying Coraline like myself! (: Report Review
Sorry for how long it has taken me to get around to reviewing this! I don't have any excuses, only apologies - hopefully you don't mind since, at least I didn't forget you, right?
Now. Your story.
I liked this. I really did. Coraline is an interesting character and it should be fun to read about what happens to her at Hogwarts, a school that she seems to hate so much. Hopefully that changes! I can't imagine anyone hating Hogwarts for too long! I would be careful with how much you have her complain, though. I understand that you are setting up her character, but I do want to know more about her other than how much she does not want to change schools. It can get a bit repetitive at times.
It is too early to tell about where the plot is going to go, but so long as you stick to a plan, you should be right! It has been a fun read so far, so I don't see why that would change!
I would consider getting a beta reader for this, though, since you do have some issues with grammar and spelling. You mix up words like you're/your, too/to, etc. You also need to remember to finish all your sentences with full-stops, especially if they are at the end of a paragraph. I would also consider learning about the rules of grammar when it comes to writing dialogue - where the quotation marks go, where the commas go, what needs to be capitalised, and when you need a new paragraph. You also have some sentences that run together, when there needs to be a full-stop in the middle of them as they are two, distinct sentences.
I also think you just parentheses a little bit too often. Parantheses, or brackets, should only be used in certain circumstances.
You also seem to use a lot of ellipses. I know that once you start using them a lot, it can be very addictive and you end up using them all over the place, but be mindful that they, like every other part of speech, should only be used in certain circumstances. They cannot be used as substitutes to full-stops all the time, nor can they be used to blend two sentences together when you need a conjunction, instead.
I know that it seems like a lot, but grammar and punctuation are the building blocks to really good writing. Your thoughts and ideas are definitely there. You have a good plot and it is a fun read, but you need to be mindful of your grammar. Working with a beta who understands grammar will be useful; once you get the hang of all of this, it really does come very easily and you don't have to think twice about things like comma placement, it just happens.
Please don't be disheartened by this review! I really think that you have a fantastic story here. It's fresh, it's bright and it is definitely enjoyable to read. I just think that once you nail grammar, this will be amazing. Please make sure that you continue to have fun when writing! Grammar can be boring, but, again, once you nail it, it's so easy and writing becomes that much more enjoyable.
Can't wait to see what you write next!
Joop :)Author's Response: Thank you so much Joop! :)
I am defiantly not disheartend by your review. It was amazing, I love your feedback. Thanks again! Report Review
DemetersChild here with your second review!
Once again, pay attention to those words that are easily mixed up (to, too, two; there, their, they're; your, you're; it's, its; than, then; through, threw). Also, when writing dialogue a new speaker indicates a new paragraph. It looks neater and makes it less confusing for the reader.
You use a lot of parenthesis that I really think are unnecessary. They could be easily replaced with commas or just made into complete sentences. It just looks a bit awkward sometimes to have them in the middle of the sentence.
Is their flat in a place where only magical people live? If not, it would seem really odd for her to be levitating her trunk to the car.
Light purple eyes? Never heard of purple eyes. Fairly certain that wizards don't have unusual eye colors unless they're part-some magical creature.
What did she do with Leo when she started to carry the trunk?
Hmm, well overall I think you really need to go back and look for spelling and grammar errors. It was more spelling than grammar, but it really slows the story down with mistakes like that.
There still wasn't a ton going on in this chapter. Meeting the Trio, seeing Draco, etc etc. I don't know, it was rather boring, to be honest. I know it's the beginning of the story, but what really makes a story stand out is when you're pulled in from the very first sentence! Maybe try adding in some action, some sort of conflict, something that we can look forward to.
I don't really know what other advice to give right now. I have no idea where the story is going. Surely there's more to it than a foreign student spending her last year at Hogwarts. I just don't know what it is yet and really, by the second chapter, the reader should be able to see something.
That's about it from me.
DemAuthor's Response: Again, thanks Dem!
I love long lengthy reviews like yours! :)
As of the light purple eyes; people DO actually have them they are just very rare. Report Review
Hullo there! DemetersChild here from the forums with your review!
As far as grammar and spelling goes I notice a few common mistakes (they're, their, there; you're, your; its, it's; than, then) that you might want to look out for.
It is obviously an introductory chapter which means not much is going on. It just lets you know who the person is, where they come from, a little bit about their personality. So there wasn't really much going on.
But, I can definitely see a bit of Coraline's personality. She seems like a very outspoken person.
Hmm, well I think that's about it for this chapter.
DemAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I really appercaite your review. (: I intened for Cora to be that way! Report Review
Sorry it has taken me long to review, however here I am now!
Your OC seems...a bit of a snob. I don't know if that was your intention or not but that's what I'm getting through. Also, please be careful about her becoming a Mary Sue. The prologue reads like a journal entry rather than her telling her story. Well, that's for characterization...
Grammar: I found a few grammatical errors here and there but nothing horribly bad.
Story as a whole: It has potential. You just have to make sure that the character will not become someone everyone (the readers) cannot tolerate when reading. Specially in first person point of view, where we're stuck inside their minds. One thing is to have an attitude, another is to be an insufferable person.
Anyway, that's all I have to say! Keep writing cus the more you do, the better you get. :)Author's Response: Thanks so much! I never thought of Cora as a Mary Sue, so thanks for the tip! And make sure yo check out the other chapters to get the gist of the plot so far. :) Thanks again, Report Review
Hey, here for your review,
So, this looks interesting. However, your OC seems to have a bit of an attitude problem. Of course, that isn't always a bad thing. I've written characters (fanfiction and personal stories) where they don't have the best, likable traits. As long as the character is written well, I have no problem with characters like that. Though I just wanted to point out that she did seem a bit stuck-up in this chapter. Don't know if that was intentional or not.
Also, can't say too much on the plot alone since this is only a prologue, but it does look interesting. She's going to a school where she doesn't want to be. She was the top at her school, so how is she going to go up against Hermione since, I believe, they're going to be in the same year? Her sort of "full of it" attitude is definitely going to clash with someone like Hermione. I can see your OC going in Slytherin so far. And you have this listed as a Draco/OC, so I believe she will be in Slytherin. She seems like she can fit with Draco.
One thing I thought to point out is in the end where she speaks about what she'll do once she leaves school. You have "Aura" when I believe you meant to put "Auror." Just a little error I found is all ;)
Good work with this, it's a nice start,
-Reyes91Author's Response: Aw, thank you so much for the great review! I wanted Cora to come off as stuck up at first but that might change as the story goes on, so keep on reading!
And thanks, I didnt know how to spell Auror. :P (: Report Review
I love the idea of someone not liking Hogwarts. I wonder how she's going to feel getting sorted. I mean, she's in seventh year! I'm also wondering what house she'll end up in... I'm sure I'll find out soon though!Author's Response: Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! I'm glad you liked it so far and you'll just have to keep reading to find out what happens next. (: Report Review
Wonderful. I personaly think that if it was longer it kinda would have been beter, but it's fine just how it is. I love how Hermione knows where Stone Wall is. 9/10. Can't wait for the next chapter!
Post Script: Would you mind, please, reading my fan-fic?
Post Post Script: I love Cora's mum.
Post Post Post Script: i know I'm not stupid. Only joking.
Post Post Post Post Script: Ginny would SO be Cora's best freind.Author's Response: Firstly; thanks so much for reading and leaving a great review! (: The future chapters will be a tad longer and I'm glad you love Coras mom! Also, thanks for the great rating and I will for sure check out your fic! ~Autumn
PS: At the forums if you request for reviews you'll get tons more! Report Review
Hey, I'm so sorry I took so long! You requested a review from me like a month or two ago... Sorry! I've just been insanely busy lately. :(
This is interesting. I have a few good things to point out, and also a couple of bad things.
The main character (I don't know her name...) seems a bit snobbish. Like when she asks "are you really that stupid?" it just seems kind of mean... Also, there are a few grammatical errors here and there, such as: Oh god, there is going to be snobs.
That should read as such: Oh god, there are going to be snobs.
That's about all the bad.
This is really interesting! I was kind of doubtful of it just from the summary, but I'm mostly happy with what has happened so far. And other than the fact that she seems slightly stuck-up, I like the MC so far. :)
(LiveLaughLoveHarryPotter on the forums.)Author's Response: Thanks so much for reading and the helpful review! I'm glad you like it so far, and no worries I'm paitent and know how busy life can be sometimes! (: Also, the OC's name is Cora. She might seem snobby at first but if you keep reading. Report Review
Wow. Super long chapter. ;D
Anyways, remember to create a new paragraph when a new person starts speaking. ^_~, otherwise, I think there are no big grammatical errors. ;D, (except for the occasional misspelt word, but everyone has those, XD).
Oh, & chapter eight of To Bloody Your Hands is out, so if you'd like to check that out?
Anyways, I think it's pretty good so far, & I'm interested to see where this is going. ;DAuthor's Response: Great! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! Thanks for the tip on the paragraphs and I will defiantly check out your newest chapter! (:
~Autumn Report Review
I love it!! It's really interesting, and I love the point of view on everything.Author's Response: Ha, thanks so much for the review! I'm glad you like it so far. (: Report Review
I liked it :) I can't wait for what will happen next :)Author's Response: Thanks so much for reading and reviewing. I happy you liked it. Make sure to read the future chapters, too! (: Report Review
Hm, sounds promising. ;3
Update soon! : )Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review! Glad you enjoyed it and I will update as soon as possible. (: Report Review
I think this could be a good story keep writing.Author's Response: Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! The next chapter will be up shortly! (: Report Review
This is a really good prolouge! Honestly, I think that Coraline should be either a Slytherien or a Gryffindor. Anyway, this is just brillent, since I've never really thought about wizards and witches from Canada (not that I have anything ageinst Candians) and I've never read anything about someone hateing Hogwarts. It's a really interesting perpective. Do you have chapter two written? I really really want to read more! 8/10
p.s. I'm stupid, I didn't know where Stone Wall was. (*laughs*)Author's Response: Oh my gosh thank you so much for this fantastic review and for taking the time to actually read my Prologue! I am so happy you like it. I am a proud Canadian myself so I figured that is what I would base Coraline off of! (: I have the first five chapters written actually I am just waiting for validation and a banner of course!
Thanks so much.
PS: Your not stupid, tons of people don't know where Stone Wall is! Report Review
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