Now onto chapter 2!
Another problem I'm seeing is that these people in the story all sound terribly American despite the fact that they are British.
I'm also seeing a terrible amount of Muggle references and the story doesn't come off as feeling like it takes place in the wizarding world. I haven't been seeing a lot of magic and very few references to the world J.K. created.
And this makes me feel even more like I am reading Easy A written out instead of a Harry Potter fanfiction. Report Review
I watched the movie, Easy A, just so I would be able to better follow the story.
One thing I would like to touch on is something I tend to see a lot of in stories based on previous published works. All that really reams to be hppening is the movie being written out with the characters from the Next Generation of Harry Potter stories.
Not that I'm against basing fanfiction on these principles, but I do like to see the stories use the previous stories acting as more a starting point and ending at that. A few lines could be taken from the stories. Stories where the plot is just completely replaced with what happened word for word in the movie.
Part of the problem is that we already know exactly what is going to happen at every turn, and that generally never makes for an exciting story.
I'll keep on reading, though. Report Review
oh jeez. I loved the movie Easy A, and I love how you put little ol' Molly in the whole 'fake slut' situation. Classic, really. Especially the whole Molly/Simon fake sex. That was hilarious. But, I would say to be careful because in the movie they would act all supportive of gay guys but then they would still kind of use jokes and stuff and put him out as the 'stereotypical gay guy' which kinda pissed me off. But, you're doing a great job not doing that. I can't wait for the next chapter!! And for Jaz BennetAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for the review! I am excited about Jaz also! Report Review
I decided to review Chapter 3 to give you some variety and since it's your most current chapter. The flow and the grammar are a little rougher in this chapter. Your commas and punctuation are a little off. Not to worry though, this is easily fixed and isn't too big of a deal! I stand by what I said in your first review. Though I get a better sense of who Molly is and what she's doing on the outside (as well as everyone else's perception of her), I don't really feel like I get to know what's really going on inside of Molly's head. She seems to react so generally to everything. Like whenever Rose gets upset with her and decides they can't be friends. She doesn't seem to really react at all. Though their relationship doesn't exactly seem perfect to begin with, I felt there should've been something more emotionally. A teeny bit more description would help develop the story as a whole and really improve the flow as well. Again, I'm insanely in love with the storyline. I like how adventurous Molly seems. I find myself really drawn to Molly's interaction with Simon. I found their sex scene really funny and adorable. Oh, and I like the last sentence too! What a rebel! I can't wait to see...well read about...everyone's reactions to her lingerie (especially Jozlin's)! Overall, I really like this story. It's original and your characters seem really fun. It's such an enjoyable read and I know that you can really turn it into something even better than it already is! Keep up the good work and remember that Rome wasn't built in a day!
-leaneyAuthor's Response: Thank you for the lovely review! I know I rush and need to explain the characters more! I will be sure to work on that, so when the querie opens again they will be ready to be validated =) Report Review
Leaney from the forums here!
To begin, I love the plotline and I simply can't wait to read your later chapters! I like that you chose to go with MollyII instead of Rose or Lily. It definitely gives your story an original element. I personally haven't seen many MollyII stories so I got very excited to read this. As far as grammar/punctuation goes I only spotted a few things. There are a few misplaced commas which weren't distracting at large and a few too many brackets for my liking.
I really liked the way you translated this story into the magical realm. Also, the humor in this chapter was done quite nicely. I literally chuckled whenever I read, ôRose, letting Scorpius Mafloy feel you up under a willow tree, does not mean you are a slut..." and the part about Jozlin overhearing their "whorish ramble." Haha!
What I would really like to see more of is general characterization. I think you have an amazing plot going for you and a really awesome set of fresh next gen characters to play with. I'd truly love to make them your own and develop them. I'd like to see more description and more background. Who is Molly really? What is she like? What is Rose like? Even give us more on Jozlin and her ins & outs. Give us just a smidge more detail/polish the rougher bits in your dialogue and you're golden. It'll enhance your story and give it a stronger foundation. Overall, an interesting chapter! -scurries to read next chapter-
-leaneyAuthor's Response: I am gald you liked it =)
I agree that I do need to work on characterization and I do rush a bit!
Thanks for the lovely review! Report Review
I never expected that at the end about Simon being gay. Earlier in the story I expected him to make a hit on Molly or something to that effect. Can't wait to read your next chapter. 10/10.Author's Response: The next chapter is going to have more action and get Molly in more trouble haha Report Review
As Austin Powers would say, BEHAVE MOLLY. I thought this chapter was funny since it can depict how much trouble you get yourself into when one lie gets out of control. The simple solution is do not lie in the first place. 10/10 for the humour and the great story line.Author's Response: Thank You so much for the review and the rating! I love Molly Report Review
Oh, poor Molly. :/ I *still* haven't seen "Easy A," but what a good idea for a fic! The angst and drama translates perfectly to the Hogwarts world, especially in Next Gen.
I've never thought of Rose as so out-there, seeing as she's Hermione's girl, but I like your image of her. :) Your characterizations are always very bright and unique.
Another brilliant work! I love your characters and the plot. Your writing is charming and funny. Nice work!
Taaa!Author's Response: Thank You very much! I always hate how I write but everyone seems to love it haha Report Review
I quite like the story.. i want to see what you make it into!! :)Author's Response: Thank You! I am writing part two right now! It is going to be a 6 part story Report Review
Poor Molly. Jozlin Plank sounds like quite the nutter. I mean, why does she go around sticking her wet hands in peoples faces? It sounds very rude. Oh, and Rose - I don't have words, really. Red lipstick? Really? I can't stop laughing. Poor Molly. At least Lucy knows the truth. I really quite like that Lucy knows the truth.Author's Response: Thank You! I find that I like writing Lucy Report Review
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