My first thought after reading this chapter was poor Penny. I'm still in a state of denial regarding the fact that Sirius never showed up. How could you do this?
Plot- I loved the plot. This chapter certainly adds an unforeseen twist to the plot. I was at least expecting Sirius to show up!
Grammar- Again, I didn't notice any mistakes.
Characterization- I'm a little confused about Sirius' characterization. From the previous chapters, I received the impression that he had feelings for Penny. However, this chapter seemed a bit contradictory, implying that Sirius could care less about Penny. I was also a little confused with Remus' appearance, as well. It seemed a bit unnecessary, and, if anything, merely filler. Additionally, why did Penny have a complete mental break down in the common room? I thought that was a little strange.
Description- There wasn't a great deal of description in this chapter, but I enjoyed the small amount that was present. I don't think any more description is needed to convey the overall message of the chapter.
Dialogue- The dialogue was a little choppy and strained when Remus and Penny were talking. It was just an awkward exchange with no real purpose.
Overall, this was my least favorite chapter so far. Still, I can't wait to read the next chapter!
4/10 Report Review
I really enjoyed the original approach you took on this chapter. I can't recall reading a fanfiction that took place in detention, and I have to say, I like the concept.
Plot- This chapter was on the shorter side, but definitely portrayed the fast progression of the plot. Once again, I really enjoyed the setting of this chapter, as it added a creative spark to the fanfiction. The events seemed realistic, even though I was shocked when Sirius pulled out the mirror. That wasn't at all what I was expecting at the time.
Flow- The events flowed pretty smoothly. I liked your transition from Chapter 2 to Chapter 3.
Grammar- Once again, I didn't find any spelling, grammar, or punctuation mistakes.
Characterization- You've really developed James, Sirius, and Penny through the dialogue present in this chapter, but the other characters still seem flat. Readers don't know very much about them because they were initially introduced but haven't appeared for more than a line or two since then.
Description- You did a fantastic job with the description present in this chapter. I especially enjoyed the depiction of the other students sitting in detention.
Dialogue- The dialogue was good throughout the chapter. I was a little confused at times during Sirius and James' exchange via the mirrors. I was a bit lost during their conversation, and found myself rereading the past few paragraphs constantly.
Overall, this was a decent chapter, even though I wasn't fond of the ending. It just seemed too abrupt. Good job!
7/10 Report Review
This chapter certainly had an intriguing start, which really compelled me to keep reading. I have to admit, I love this chapter.
Plot- The plot really picked up in this chapter with quite a few fast-paced, exciting moments. The events captivated me from the very beginning of this chapter and held my attention until the very end. I did, however, have two thoughts that popped into my head while I was reading: Why does Penny care so much about winning 10 galleons? And why does Professor Flitwick just hand her a detention for no actual reason?
Flow- This chapter flowed extremely smoothly. Umm... I think that's about it for flow.
Grammar- I didn't pick up on any grammatical errors, so good job.
Characterization- I immensely enjoyed the personalities and attributes of each character that were highlighted in this chapter, particularly those of the Marauders. I loved their reactions to the giant spider (especially James'). They were portrayed fairly accurately, just as they were in the books. I found it a little odd that Penny suddenly decided she would go earn herself a detention, especially if she always abides by the rules.
Description- There wasn't a boatload of pointless descriptions present in this chapter, and they really weren't necessary. You nicely balanced the amount of description versus the amount of dialogue, keeping the story moving and holding readers' attentions.
Dialogue- There was a disappointingly small amount of dialogue in this chapter. I was hoping for a bit more, or possibly even an exchange between Penny and one/all of the Marauders.
Overall, I couldn't find a great deal of fault in this chapter and really enjoyed reading it. My favorite character at the moment is still Remus, even though he did not have a large role in this specific chapter. Great job!
10/10 Report Review
Three words to start off this review: Remus was adorable!
Plot- The chapter was relatively short, but you managed to cram quite a few events into a short amount of space. I wasn't particularly fond of this because I felt like you were rushing through the chapter. Maybe try to include a bit more description and dialogue between characters to help slow down the chapter a little. I was also a little left behind when Tammy told Penny to talk to Remus about what she had said. Penny originally told readers that she wouldn't be returning for another conversation with the Marauders, yet did so anyway. It was just a little confusing.
Flow- The events flowed nicely toward the beginning and the end of the chapter, but were a little shaky in the middle. Again, the events seemed rushed and, therefore, created a bit of a jagged flow.
Grammar- There was the occasional spelling mistake, wrong word, or something of the sort but overall it was pretty good! Nothing major that overly detracts from the story line at all.
Characterization- I feel like I'm harping on this concept, so I apologize if I am, but the story's traveling very quickly, eliminating any possibility for characters with a bit more depth. Readers want to get to know the main characters and relate to them. Yes, Penny's emotions were realistic, but the rest of the characters were a little flat in this chapter. I did enjoy your characterization of Tammy when she was angry at Penny, which matched her personality perfectly. However, I was waiting for their exchange to escalate into something more and was a little shocked when Penny simply followed through with Tammy's request. From the prologue, I got the impression that Penny was independent wanted to form her own mind, instead of letting others form it for her.
Description- There was a noticeable lack of description throughout the chapter. The only real details provided were during the scene when Penny introduced herself to the Marauders. The description was very vivid there, but never really returned during the rest of the chapter.
Dialogue- I loved the dialogue; it was my favorite portion of this entire chapter. I loved how you portrayed Remus through his dialogue. My heart skipped a beat when he introduced himself to Penny. They would make such a cute couple!
Overall, I liked this chapter, but not quite as much as the prologue. Perhaps I'll enjoy the future chapters a bit more.
6/10 Report Review
Sorry it took me so long to get around to reading and reviewing this. Anyway, I thought the prologue was a decent start.
Plot- Obviously, it's a bit too soon to tell where this story is headed (of course I have a few inklings, which are, most likely, completely wrong), but you included just enough plot to convince readers, like myself, to keep reading. Many prologues are either ridiculously short with very little plot or extremely long with several chapters worth of plot. I really like the happy medium you established between the two extremes, while still managing to keep readers engaged until the end of the chapter.
Flow- The events flowed very nicely for the majority of the chapter. You fluidly traveled from one thought to the next in the introductory section of this chapter, which is hard to accomplish. However, I noticed the flow was a little choppy when Tammy decided to run up to the dorm to retrieve parchment and a quill. These paragraphs seemed a little rushed, almost as if you were in a hurry to finish writing the chapter and click the 'upload' button.
Grammer- I was really impressed with the grammar, spelling, and punctuation. I didn't find any mistakes (although I could have overlooked one), so I commend you for that.
Characterization- In the prologue, you've introduced readers to Tammy Wilkins, Penny Huckleberry, and, briefly, the marauders. I can't really say much with regards to your characterization of the marauders because they have yet to make an appearance, but, so far, their descriptions seem accurate. Moving on to Tammy, she seems to have some interesting personality quirks that were indirectly stated. She seems like the energetic, optimistic friend which appears to be a sharp contrast to your portrayal of Penny. The duo have a strange friendship, but I feel that it will make the story much more interesting. I had one comment with regards to Penny: she is seriously lacking self-confidence and has quite a negative approach to many topics. Excellent job with your characterization!
Description- One of my major pet peeves in the first chapters of fanfictions is too much description, where you're stuck reading paragraph after paragraph of minute adjectives that you won't retain five minutes later. Your prologue was the polar opposite. You didn't outright state everything about everyone. Instead, you provided very brief descriptions with just enough information for readers to understand the events that were transpiring. Generally, I try to tell authors to include more dialogue than descriptions, but you clearly have that under control.
Dialogue- The dialogue was a little confusing at the very beginning of the chapter (mainly the first and third paragraphs), but they quickly began to make sense as I continued reading. The dialogue seemed to match each character's personality perfectly, so nice job.
Overall, I enjoyed reading this. It was a nice change from all the cliche Marauders' Era fanfictions that I have found myself sifting through. You're definitely taking an original approach to this story, and I encourage you to continue doing so.
9/10 Report Review
No! I love them both! I think that Penny/Remus are cuter but that Sirius needs her more. If she lets him down he'll be broken!Author's Response: Hehe! I love them both hence the love triangle! But we'll see what happens in the end :P Thanks for the review! :D Report Review
I'm a little disappointed. Considering everything you've written about Sirius (and the harsh personality you've given him) in this story, I was certain after the end of last chapter that somehow he had figured out about Penny's bet or even had a bet of his own going on with James.
Nothing you have written points to Sirius having real feelings for her. It all seems very rushed now that I've read this chapter.
I'm still looking forward to see how you end it though.Author's Response: I was actually considering going that way in the beginning but then as I was writing the chapter after the whole boggart scenario, I just thought that there was much too much sensitivity left in Sirius. He's a bully but like most bullies they're hiding something dark. In that chapter, I saw that him confiding in her with a little of his problems showed him being very comfortable with her - pointing to some SORT of feelings he had for her.
In saying that, Sirius isn't shallow and he's definitely found Penny a very funny, intriguing character because she's so strange and oblivious to things despite her being so 'intelligent' and I just hoped that the nature of their relationship, being very playful and not so serious, might've added to the way he's comfortable with her.
Also, there was a point where he did get slightly disgruntled by Remus asking to see her privately, which was another subtle way I tried getting it across that he was developing feelings for her.
Anyway, thanks for telling me how you feel about my story! I really appreciate it :D and the ending's quite not what people would expect either, I think :) Report Review
Oh my gosh. This is brilliant! I bet someone's either slipped Sirius some love potion, or James dared Sirius to do it for who knows how many galleons. I can't wait until the next chapter!
- BreeAuthor's Response: Haha! Thanks SO much for the review :D
& you never know, anything could be happening right now :P Report Review
First things first - I really am sorry for the unfortunately long wait for this :( My summers really are busy, but still, I am here now! And might I just say, this was an excellent start to what seems to be a very interesting story.
I love Penny! She's rather sarcastic and biting, but not in the all-out way that a lot of people do it - she seems to be a lot more subtle. She's also clever, but not in that way where people make characters all knowing and all that stuff. Actually, all in all, I loved both Tammy and Penny! While Tammy seems to be a bit uppity, she is a sweetheart, and have I mentioned Penny was awesome?
I do think your plot is gripping! Some people would immediately classify this as cliche, but I wouldn't, and I have read a lot of Sirius/OCs in my day. I'm honestly interested to see where this could possibly go, and it definitely captures my interests. I didn't know what I was expecting when you requested this, but you probably exceeded any and all of my expectations :)
It definitely flows, don't worry, and I do like your dialogue! Most people have trouble with it, but yours is flawless and a lot like something real, actual people would say, so well done :) Thanks for requesting, feel free to re-request, and good luck with the rest of the story!
--LinnAuthor's Response: That's alright! I'm glad you reviewed anyway! :)
I actually think that Penny is only smart book-wise, but when it comes to common sense and real life, she's a complete idiot :P I'm glad you really like Penny, I'm trying to make her someone very relatable. & about Tammy, she is a bit uppity but I think she's quite cute :P
I've tried thinking of something to put on my summary to make it seem not so much as a cliche, but alas I've gone past the word limit :( haha so I've just let it be. I'm really glad it isn't a cliche and I really hope it isn't for the rest of the story.
I'd like to thank you for taking the time to leave a review! So thank you!!! :) Report Review
HEY I THINK THIS WAS A GREAT STORY
I THINK U SHOULD MAKE PENNY FALL IN LOVE WITH REMUSAuthor's Response: Hello :)
Maybe, maybe not :P & thanks for leaving a review! it is much appreciated! Report Review
Love it this is such a nice storyline! Well done! :)Author's Response: Thank you so much! :D Report Review
Holy Cow that was awesome! Awesome as in awesomely written. Please keep writing!Author's Response: Hello there! Thank you! I'll update soon! This story is actually coming towards the end (in a couple of chapters) by the way! Report Review
DEEEP MAN, REALLY DEEEP!!!Author's Response: Haha thank you! Report Review
Hey there, marissa lily potter here with the review you requested!
So I really like this chapter. It was cute, it was fun and it caught the reader's attention. I think you did a wonderful job starting it off and setting the storyline up. I like how you introduced Penny to the readers. She seems like a very relatable character which is nice, because then the readers really do feel a part of the story unlike someone who is too perfect which readers can't exactly relate to.
The flow of the story was okay. It could have been better because it did feel a little rushed and choppy, especially near the end where Penny and Tammy are making that agreement. It just felt a little rushed and you know, planned. I feel like this part at least should have been a little spontaneous because I don't think Penny had been thinking about it for a long time. That's how it feels though. Too planned.
I like your characters. I like how you've started off with one character that you've described really well but mentioned others in her life that will hopefully show up throughout the rest of the story. I'd like to see you develop your characters a little more. Give them some personality, background info and just generally more details into who they are. I really like Penny though from what I have read of her.
I think this was a wonderful first chapter and your story seems like it'll be an interesting and fun one. I wish you the best of luck with it! I really had fun reading it. I thought it was a great start and makes for a very interesting plotline! :)
-MarissaAuthor's Response: Hi! thanks so much for taking the time to review it :)
Yeah, I've had problems with my OC characters cause they haven't had any flaws, so here's one where she has plenty :P
I tried to portray the problem of the Marauders as something that has bothered the two of them for a while now, but the agreement was supposed to be spontaneous, i'll read through it again and try to edit it though :)
Again, thank you so much for leaving this review! :D
I love your story! But poor Remus :(Author's Response: Thank you so much :) Don't worry about Remus, he'll be okay next chapter :P Report Review
Awesome, love it so far! Is there gonna be
another chapter?Author's Response: yes there will be :D i'm almost finished writing the whole story, so i'll be updating pretty soon :D thanks for dropping by! Report Review
LOVED IT! LOVED IT! LOVED IT!Author's Response: Thanks! :) The next chapter should be up very soon! Report Review
I was really sad when I found out that there were only four chapters done :( Why must you do this to me!!!?? :'(
Upload next chappysoon- yeah?
Good. :PAuthor's Response: don't worry! the next chapter's in the process of being validated now :) Report Review
ahaha I love this story so far. James and Sirius' mirror talk was highly amusing and I love Penny as a character! keep up the amazing job at writing cant wait to read more!Author's Response: Haha thank you!
I'm updating soon so.. hopefully you'll still be into reading it! Report Review
I looove how Penny isn't gorgeous. I love how you described her as bushy eyebrows with glasses. I can see the potential for her to become at least above average, but it's not like some sort of tween movie where all you do is take off her glasses and let her hair down, and omg, she's gorgeous.
I really like her personality too. She's this Ravenclaw who isn't meek, but very prideful of her intelligence. I can just see her in a classroom as that girl whom everyone expects to run for some sort of elected office at one point.
I wish Tammy made more of an appearance or that she would have more character development. She seems to be such a good complement to Penny's character, as that meek, smart, but very naive character. I can see where their friendship stems from.
I also love the conversation between Penny and Sirius-slash-James. It flowed very smoothly and shows Penny's arrogance and her reliance on her own intelligence and I think any smart, grounded Ravenclaw female would initially assume that Sirius and James weren't very smart, so I love when she dished out her extensive vocabulary on them, not expecting Sirius to understand.
Overall I really like this story and can't wait for more chapters. The characters unravel the stories really well. It's not the plot that is completely driving the story--and I like that. It's the characters own unique personalities and their reactions that help the story move along.
Also, will be hearing more from the boys from the previous chapters? I forgot their names, the ones they met on the train and ditched them?Author's Response: Haha Penny's very far from that! :P & Tammy will be making much more of an appearance as the story progresses! I'm just trying to establish relationships between herself and the Marauders first before it delves into everything :)
This review was very nice and I really appreciate it!!! Thank you for taking the time to write it :) Report Review
Oh I love this story. Please continue it :)Author's Response: I am continuing it :) it's too great of a plot to leave behind.. Report Review
This story is amazing! :) I love how so ordinary Penny is, yet her and Tami are adorable at the same time. My rating? 100/10...but alas, it only goes to ten.Author's Response: Thank you so much :) I really appreciate this.. Report Review
This is easily one of my favorite stories. I kindly request that you update soon.Author's Response: I will... Though it has been too long overdue.. I'm sorry about that! Report Review
Hey, whens gonna be another chapter? Im waiting and waiting and still nothing. I love this fiction so please update.Author's Response: You probably hate me by now.. I had abandoned this story.. But then I just recently found it on my computer.. I couldn't just leave it so I'm updating soon :) Hopefully you're still here with me! Report Review
OMGod! I can't believe that I almost skipped over this. I love it! Keep going!;]Author's Response: I'm glad you didn't!!! Thanks :) Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection