Hello! Here with your review. :D
Alright, you asked about characterization. I'll ignore the canon concept and all that because this isn't canon based and just speak about them as though they are new people. James threw me a bit. His temperament, I mean. He's just found out that his wife is in love with his best friend, that's rough business. While you have him crying, I would expect a bit more of a manly, Gryffindor reaction. Anger in the smallest form at least. Best friends or not, he probably wouldn't want Sirius' hand on him.
With Lily, she seemed a bit flat because you gave her mostly conversation and not a lot of describing actions. She's married, she's in love with another man, one would expect her to be sobbing like mad or getting angry, or defensive or anything. She read as very calm and together about the entire situation. And Sirius, he needed a bit more emotion about it all. I would like to have seen more of him and James because they are the ones with the brotherly bond that should surpass any marriage, or crush.
The dialogue was quite formal. Try out some contractions to make it sound more like speech. A good trick is to read your dialogue aloud to yourself, in the same tone of voice that your character would have, then you'll know if it sounds like natural speech. They also spoke a bit fancy for their age and social status.
The flow seemed alright. Maybe a bit fast because it was so heavily dialogue. The grammar was a bit off, so personally, that broke the flow for me.
A good idea though, nice concept/situation and the follow through was well done. :D --JennaAuthor's Response: thank you for the review.
I think I wrote James the way I did because he has just had a shock and he's upset about it. I was going to have him angry during it but i decided not to.
I didn't quite know how to write Sirius's reaction to it, but I knew that he would want to make sure that nothing happened between him and Lily.
I will get a beta for the grammar, I'm so bad lol. Report Review
i liked it, not loved, sorry, just cause i really like james/lily, but it was a good story :)
your flow was good, everything was consistent.
characterization, i just thought that James would of been a little more upset that he wasn't Lily's true love; i get that it was his best friend and that might of softened the blow, but in my mind, he would of been angrier because it was Sirius, his best friend who he trusted, and not some random guy. Thats my opinion though :)
great job overall!Author's Response: Thank you for your review.
I wanted James to still be in the shock/upset stage when he talked to her, but i guess i could have made him get angry. Report Review
This is auh-MAZING! I love it. It's really sad and sweet, and incredibly cute. :) 10/10 and favouriting.Author's Response: thank you very much xxx Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection