Hey there Judi! I'm here from the forums (finally!) with your requested review! My sincerest apologies for having taken so long, but I hope this lengthy, detailed review makes up for it!
I was instantly drawn in to this story. You start it off with so much power and such wonderful descriptions. It took all of two seconds for this image to be painted in my head. I love an author who can use their words and phrasing to paint these clear visuals, and you did that effortlessly right from the top. I'm very jealous of that ability; kudos!
"Burning flesh was so strong that Lucius Malfoy could taste it on his tongue." - Wow. What a powerful sentence.
"He was not asking if Lucius understood the reason, he was asking if he understood the rhyme." - Absolutely love this sentence.
I think you have a great grasp on Lucius as a character. He seems to be a perfect balance between the Lucius we know in canon and the Lucius that you're creating for this story. I have confidence in his character with you as the author. However, Voldemort is a slightly different story. You're so close, you know, you're almost there with Voldy, but not quite. For example: ""Shut up!" Voldemort roared..." The thing about Voldemort is that he doesn't have to 'roar' to be obeyed; to be terrying. In fact, in the books, we really only see him raise his voice when he's either beyond angry because something he wanted to happen slipped through his fingers, or when he's running out of patience after talking quietly for awhile. Also, I feel Voldy would say 'Quiet' over 'Shut up', using less threatening words that he makes sound absolutely deadly by hissing them out is very him, in my opinion. I would maybe consider changing that to "Quiet!" he hissed, but it's entirely my opinion and nothing more!
I'm not entirely certain that Narcissa was perfectly in character either. I keep wondering why she was so enraged by Lucius showing up with this child. I completely understand confused, unsure, scared even, but 'murderous'? I think that Narcissa is smart enough to understand that her husband wouldn't bring home a baby for no reason at all, especially when she knows he's returning from a mission with Voldemort. But maybe you have a reason for it as the author that the readers just don't get to know yet? But if that's the case, then you should really try to at least drop some hints about the fact that Narcissa has a deeper reason behind acting so irrationally.
'Melody' maybe doesn't really seem to fit in with the other first names in the Malfoy family (Lucius, Narcissa, Draco). If I were trying to pass off a child as my own, I would probably have been a bit more careful with the naming, but I suppose it's a small detail, one that can be easily overlooked (plus it's obviously connected with the title).
So I really am intrigued by the story so far, but I did run across a lot of typo's and grammatical errors:
"...which (w)ere strangely folded into his body."
"And then, the Dark Lord did something no one expected him to do; he held the baby out to Lucius." - For some reason you had this as two completely seperate lines, but it should really be written like my example here is. You'll know what I mean if you look back at that spot.
"Dobby, the house elf(,) did not meet him, but Lucius couldn't give a damn right now."
"Hid (His) orders are final(.)"
"Until; (no ;) the Dark Lord gives us new orders."
"In fact, she was silent for so long that Lucius had to look up to make sure she was (still) there."
"Nonetheless, she now seemed ten times different than she had before." - For this line, I really just think that you can find a more expressive word than 'different'. 'Different' gives us nothing with this sentence - I'd love to see you chose something more saturated and meaningful for that line.
"...staring for very (no very) several minutes."
"My orders," he said, fixing Lucius with a serious leer. "Are final." - So I've noticed that every time you write a bit of dialogue that's broken up by description, you do this weird punctuation thing where you start a new sentence with your second half of the original dialogue sentence (that's probably confusing, LOL). Here's another example: "Understandable Lucius. I agree, it does not seem," he paused. "Like me." - "Like me" should not be it's own seperate thought. Either should "Are final." Use a comma, not a period, and don't capitalize the second quote and you'll be set!
So you have a bit of a habit of using the same word in too close a proximity with each other so they begin to sound repetative. Examples I found:
"She slept soundly in his arms, appearing to not have been bothered by the movement of being placed in his arms." - Repetative with 'arms'.
"He paused at the door, knowing that his wife, Narcissa, and son were waiting for him inside. Narcissa was likely to be waiting for the report on the attack." - Repetative with 'waiting'.
"Narcissa reared back, her back ramrod straight." - Repetative with 'back'.
"It was at that moment that the baby jolted awake. Lucius looked down at her, noticing the jolt" - Repetative with 'jolt(ed)'
So after all those little slips, I'm thinking that a beta would do wonders for you, because I truly enjoy your writing, but it could really use a touch of refinement, is all!
So regardless of the rather lengthy list of typo's and grammatical errors, the story, as a whole, is really wonderful. I think you gave us the perfect balance of mystery in this introduction: You give us enough information so that we know what's going on, except that we don't actually have any idea what's going on! That's such a contradiction, yet you make it work! Such talent that takes! I really do love the introduction and I hope you continue to write.
I also hope that this review has been helpful and I'll see you in chapter two!
xTanyaAuthor's Response: This is by far the longest review I have ever recieved. Lol! I like it.
Hmmm, those grammatical errors, danggit! I guess I just type and I sometime write words I'm thinking instead of what I'm trying to type becasue my mind races ahead. oope.
As for the way the sentences work.when i put descriptions in between the dialogue, I think its mostly my Word that does that.I try to change it but I dont alwasy remember. :)
Thank you so much for the very long review. I enjoy it when I'm critiqued and I'm definitely glad you liked the introduction...Now if only my other chapters could be that good. Report Review
Amazing Chapter please update soonAuthor's Response: I shall. I promise Report Review
Hello, I'm here for your review you requested on the forums! (:
So far this story seems very interesting. I have read many other fanfictions like this (Dracos twin) but the plot is slightly different from all the other, so I liek that! It is very creative. But, I also thought that with Voldemort giving the baby to Lucuis that was as he said: "not like him" it really wasn't. but that doesn't really matter.
I'am really interested of where you are going to take this story so please request again when the next chapter are up!
I am not very good with spelling and grammar but I did not notice any mistakes. However, if you would like to be 100% sure why don't you go to the forums and ask for a Beta Reader or even just use a spell checker. (thats much quicker then finding a Beta)
I really like this chapter, Great job, keep on writing!
Thanks for requesting! (:
~Potter_Princessx3Author's Response: Thank you for the review. I'm pleased that you like it. The next chapter may not be up for a lil while but i will request you when the time comes Report Review
Wow!! I'm here with your review, but wow!
Let me begin this review then :)... I love the concept, it's original and different. I love this chapter and how you've portrayed everyone. The story seemed to flow rather well and your portrayal of the Deatheaters, Lucius, Voldemort, well just all of them were pretty spot on. Your descriptions weren't overdone and were straightforward enough to give the readers a good image of the scene. I thought the plot seemed to present itself quite clearly in this chapter and so I commend you on that. Sometimes, it's really hard to get a plot across without just going 'okay so here it is...'
Erm, okay criticisms... there weren't really anything. However, there were a few awkward sentences that I think a good read through would help clear out. I also think the italics in this chapter is unnecessary, especially because you've already put at the top "September 24th - Sixteen Years Ago"... but I think that's just a preference thing so it is up to you as the author. Erm, really though, I thought this was a great beginning chapter and I really enjoyed reading it. I'm actually excited to know what happens with Draco and Melody so please rerequest once you've got Chapter 2 up :P Great job! xAuthor's Response: Wow. Thank you so much for the long review. I'm glad you liked it. This is actually the best review I have ever gotten. I plan to rerequest Report Review
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