Reading Reviews for Decadence
  
9 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Marianne Fighting Fears

22nd December 2010:
Good Job on the 1st chapter. Hope you review soon

Author's Response: Thanks! =)

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Review #2, by Jenna822 Fighting Fears

13th October 2010:
Hello! Here with your review. :D

I quite like the opening dream/thought/memory type sequence. It was well done. Kinda sharp and erratic the way that it should have been in such a situation. One thing, Apparate should be capitalized. :D I like your bits there about James' parents. 'less troublesome child' < -- LOL

I can totally imagine James and Sirius Apparating across the house rather than walking. A bit Fred and George stylish. :D I like the subtle way that you instantly cut off any Sirius/Lily possibilities by describing him as a brother to her. Not so fond of that pairing, so I really did grin at the slight mention. I'm not 100 percent, but I'm pretty sure Auror should be capitalized.

Leaving is Disapparate. If that was meant to be Narcissa, I was just going to mention that she wasn't a Death Eater in canon. Not sure if that's where you were headed or anything, just in case you might wanna know. :D Okay...on to the points you asked about.

It doesn't sound like a first timer fic, actually. I'm shuddering right now to think about my first fic. Honestly, just...cold chills. It seems like you've done quite a bit of reading/writing before this one. The flow and language are nice. I did catch a few repetitions, like using 'bit' to describe small amounts of time multiple times in one paragraph. Not a big deal, but too many repetitive occurrences can slow down reading. The flow seemed great. It wasn't choppy or too slow. I found that I preferred the paragraphs without dialogue than the one with. There wasn't anything wrong with your dialogue, just your writing style suits description.

It is kinda hard to pick up on characterization in a first chapter, however I do think you've got a good direction going with Lily. Strong, but also vulnerable. She wasn't too 'poor me' and she wasn't too 'I'm a bad *ss'. She had a nice balance, so I hope it carries through. Sirius seemed alright as a start. There wasn't anything that screamed 'wrong' so, you're good. LOL. I'm intrigued to see where he goes.

Suggestions I can offer as an experienced fan fic writer is just 'Watch your Canon'. Look up those details, the eye colors can really annoy a lot of readers (*holds up hand* I cringe when Sirius has blue eyes). There is a thread over on the forums, under Writers Resources, that is called “Those things that shouldn't annoy you but really do” or something along those lines. Check it out. I've re-written a lot just from seeing some of those things. However, don't let what annoys a few people alter your entire story line or change your plans too much. Peter. That's going to be a huge thing for you when doing a post-Hogwarts fic in Marauders. He's such a big deal, so don't let him end up dumb. :D

My main thought is that I'm wondering if you have a plot line. Outline or such. Is there a clear beginning, middle and end or are you just cataloging a course of events? Outlines are wonderful, even if it is just a mess of sentences to remember what your goals are. :D

Would love to have you come by with chapter 2 and if you plan on this having 20+ chapters, you are welcome to the project place. :D --Jenna

Author's Response: Oh wow, firstly I have to thank you for such a long and detailed review!
Thank you for all the compliments and advice!

I'm glad you liked the dream/memory sequence, and the bit about James' parents and him and Sirius. =D I could never see Sirius/Lily as a couple either, they just seem to be the perfect brother/sister relationship that is not biological.

Thank you for pointing out the Disapparate detail, I completely missed that. I know that Narcissa isn't a Death Eater, but thanks for pointing it out anyway. :D

Thank you for all the tips, I agree with a lot of the things you said. And I'm grateful you pointed out the 'a bit' part, I tend to miss repetition in my own writing. I just changed some of the words. Actually, I was about to submit an edited version of my chapter when your review came up- so I was able to edit it even further, with more improvements before I submitted it! You were just in time haha. :D

I cringe with wrong eye colours too, haha, it annoys me greatly. Peter, Sirius, James and Lily are my main concerns, since in my opinion they're most difficult to capture. I believe (and I hope that I'm right) I can pull off the rest well enough. I adore delving into the minds of characters, studying them thoroughly from every point of view and then creating my own opinion of them.

I have an outline in mind, but as I write inspiration tends to hit and I would throw in a plot twist here or there to keep things interesting. You're right though, I think I should work on my plot line a bit more. I was honestly kind of avoiding it. So thanks from bringing that up. :)

So far I'm thinking it'll be roughly around 20 chapters, but I want the story to cover quite a few years so most likely it will end up being longer. I'd love to have the project place, if I can! Your review was wonderful.

Thank you so much! I really appreciate your review. It was extremely helpful! =)


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Review #3, by Potter_Princessx3 Fighting Fears

10th October 2010:
Here for your review!

Great first fanfiction- congrats! How does it feel writing your first chapter of your very first fic? :P

Thanks for requesting. Now on with your review!

This really doesn't sound like a first fic, well maybe a little but it is pretty well written! The flow is kind of jumping though. For example: you start with Lily's dream then her bedroom and then at the Potter's house and then a really strange ending that seems to be involving Bellatrix and Mrs.Malfoy...?

Your characterization for Lily and Siriuis is pretty good, (Siruis's is better) I can't really get a feel of Lily right yet so you might want to describe her part a bit more clearly.

I did notice a few spelling/grammar mistakes. Here is one I found: '"Oh don;t worry honey, your sister just doesn't understand. maybe one day she'll come around" older witch comforted. I think after Mrs.Potter finished talking you meant to put: the older witch said. You basically forgot some words there (and throughout this chapter) I also think you need to take out the word: 'comforted' it doesn't really make sense. If you don't know what to put after someone talks just stick with 'said'

Not to worry though, I really loved reading this chapter! I can't wait to see what you'll do with this fanfiction!

~Autumn

Author's Response: Hey, thank you so much for reviewing I really appreciate it!

It felt pretty good. I was a bit insecure at first but everyone who gave their opinion seemed to love it, so I feel better and more confident for the next chapter.

Yes, there is. Well I don't understand how it seemed jumping from her room to the Potters? Since she freshened up after she woke up and apparated there, and in the books characters apparate a lot. =) I understand why you'd say that about the strange ending- that ending was intended to spark interest. JKR seems to include a lot of action into most of her books, I'm sort of 'mirroring' her flow for the 7th book here- she did a lot of 'jumping' in that one haha. :D I want people to look forward to the next chapter to explain what's going on.

Lily is really very tired in the beginning of the story, she's still adjusting to the new lifestyle, so possibly by the 3rd chapter hopefully her character will be more pronounced. I'm so glad to hear Sirius' is OK, since to me he's a toughie- I don't want to over-do it either.

Ohh thanks for pointing out the grammar mistake! I intended to put: 'the older witch comforted.' I don't like using the word 'said' too much, it's overused, so I try to vary it. It gives a better idea to the tone of voice etc that the character is using. :)

I'm so glad you liked it! I really appreciated all the constructive criticism- I'm currently editing this chapter to improve it, and I'll take what you said into mind! Thanks again!


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Review #4, by Cordelia_Lestrange Fighting Fears

9th October 2010:
omg this is soo good! i love it! please continue it!

Author's Response: Thanks!! I will. I'm so glad you like it! I really appreciate your review. =)

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Review #5, by LivingFairytale Fighting Fears

9th October 2010:
Hi! Oh my gosh, I want more! The Marauders Era has always been my favorite era, but most of the time I dislike reading stories about them, because they're poorly written or have annoying OC characters. But this was great honestly, I loved every single part of it. I think the little flashback thing was a bit long, but nevertheless interesting to read.

You're doing a great job on this already, and I can't wait until you update again. I'll add the story to my favorites! Keep up the great work! xD
10/10
-- Livingfairytale

Author's Response: That you so much! I really appreciate your review! I'll get up chapter two asap!

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Review #6, by schoenemaedchen Fighting Fears

9th October 2010:
Hello there, schoenemaedchen here from the review boards.

So, this is a great start for your first fanfiction!

You've started with my absolutely FAVORITE Era, the Marauders. I also think its quite excellent that you've started at the point when Lily and James are out of school--to me this seems to be somewhat of a rarity in the L/J world. So your choice of starting is a great point and has a lot of potential to be explored!

So far your canon looks OK too. The canon in this Era can be VERY difficult, so make sure you research ages carefully. I noticed you have Lucius and Narcissa listed as a ship--make sure you make them somewhat older than the Marauders, this is a mistake that I have made and many others :) We always see them fighting against each other, and since they have kids the same age, we often assume they are also the same age. Just a friendly heads up.

So, on to your story. Your first paragraph leading off the Italics is kind of a rather longish run-on sentence. I see what you're trying to say, but I think if you changed it around a little bit, it would be a bit more clear for the reader. That was one of the only sentences that I saw that kind of problem with, just always watch out for it.

There are some parts of your story where I would kind of wish for just a little bit more detail. For example, when you describe the Potter's Mansion--" it was more of a mansion, large and white, with some dark blue here and there." and then you mention the lawn. For me, its not even clear if you're talking about the inside or the outside of the house? There is certainly more to a mansion than the colors too. So I would either say add some more description or leave the description out of the house completely and focus on something else.

There are some spots in your writing where you need to watch out for punctuation, spelling, adding words so that quotes end properly...etc. These are just small things and are not so overly distracting that it takes away from the reading, but paying attention to these things really does refine your writing. I always, always, always suggest getting a Beta, even if you have the most amazing story in the world (If you don't already).

All the things that I mention above do contribute to flow somewhat. I think the flow in your story was OK, but could be improved with a little fine tuning.

Also something Harry Potter world specific that I'm not sure that you know if you're new to fanfiction. There are certain words in Harry Potter that JKR always capitalizes. I.e.Apparate, Disapparate, Auror. You can find lists online or PM and I can send a list along. So watch out for those words in your fics.

Ok, so I'm not sure if these points sound harsh to you or not, but I just wanted you to think about them--working on these points will really improve the overall quality of your fic. I just wanted to give you a few tips to fine tune your writing so you and your readers are getting the most out of your story, I think it has so much potential!!

To end on a positive note, I really must emphasize that I like how you've started your story plot wise and I'm also quite eager to read where it's going. I'll be more than happy to continue reviewing your chapters as they come along (Just come and drop a line in my review thread when my Queue is open) and give you input.if you want :)

So, great job on your first chapter--I think the first is the most difficult and I'm eager to see where you take the next chapter!!

-Schoenemaedchen

Author's Response: Ok first off, thank you so much for such a detailed review!

I love Marauders era too, and I've always wanted to portray them after they've left Hogwarts- to me it's so much more interesting, and I've almost never seen it. I would love if this became the first renowned one, that would be so awesome. :D

I know about the age thing, that's actually a pet peeve of mines. Thanks for the heads up though!

Thank you so much for all of the constructive criticism! I'll definitely take all of those things into account, and I got a beta yesterday. It's just I had to wait for the first chapter to be up before I requested one. But your review was so helpful, I didn't even notice those things- especially the mansion bit. And the capitalization of certain words, I didn't know that so thank you so much. It's not harsh to me. I love criticism that's meant to be helpful. =)

I may re-write the first chapter a bit and pass it by my beta, and edit it.

I'll definitely come back for more reviews! I really appreciate it, thanks again!


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Review #7, by Danceinggirl109 Fighting Fears

8th October 2010:
Well you have nothing to worry about. This story is great. You add details in a way that leads to an enticing story that doesn't bore readers. The ending is great and will definetly bring readers back for more chapters. I can't wait for more! Keep writing!

~Danceinggirl109

Author's Response: Thank you so much! That made me feel good. I really appreciate the review! =)

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Review #8, by potterprincess07 Fighting Fears

8th October 2010:
This chapter is very well written. Although I got just a little confused at the beginning. I think the italicized part is the dream, and the the rest is introducing us to her dream?

Also, in the sentence ' “Mrs. Potter said that she wasn’t back yet, so I came to talk to you instead,” she explained.' I think that the she is supposed to be he, as they are talking about James.

You had mentioned that you wanted it to seem as English as possible. Instead of using washroom, you could use loo (I know that is used a lot, although washroom may be used too, I'd have to check on that one).

Other than that, everything seems really really good.

Author's Response: The first paragraph or so before the italics is explaining the scene she is sleeping in, the italics is her dream and proceeding the italics is what occurs after she has woken up. =)

Yes, the she is supposed to be he. *smacks head* this is why betas=awesome. =P

Tis true, I didn't think of that. But if I use the word loo I may prefer to use it for guys, it just sounds better coming from a guy to me lol.

Thanks for the feedback! =D


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Review #9, by JilyRonks Fighting Fears

8th October 2010:
Great Story :}

JilyRonks x

Author's Response: My first reviewer! Thank you! You made my day, Your review was greatly appreciated. =D

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