That was hilarious. :) Is she going to stay with the Potters? The chapter was fantastic. I can't wait for the next one!! Report Review
wish you would update sooner has been forever Report Review
good chapter! update again soon! =] Report Review
This is such an interesting idea! The idea of running away from home and then meeting Sirius in dog form (I do hope I've guessed correctly) is a very interesting one and something I've never seen done before.
The pacing of this story is great- you keep her story progressing with short chapters and it flows very smoothly from part to part. And the cliff hanger in this chapter... Please update soon! I want to know what happens! Will Sirius reveal himself to her in order to save her? Will he stay in his animagus form? Will she rescue her siblings from her home? So many questions, so many interesting possibilities.
Coraline is a very interesting character. I think you've created her well- she's brave enough to leave her broken home life and yet regrets it, for she had to leave her brother and newest sibling. She cares deeply for her family, but still put herself first (which isn't a bad thing- it is realistic and adds depth to her person). I wonder how she got the letter from her brother- does he know which city she's in and just sends the letter there? Does she have a box at a post office? Or do they use the magical way, sending the letters via owl?
All in all, I just love the idea you have for this story. I hope you continue with it! Report Review
What happened? The chapter was great. Will she still have her belongings? I can't wait for more!! Report Review
Ah!! Great couple of chapters!! I can't wait to see what happens next! Update again soon please!! =] Report Review
I like it. The story is fantastic. I can't wait for the next update.Author's Response: Thank you so much, it may take a bit however as I don't have acsses to the document. Report Review
wow i love it! keep up the amazing storyAuthor's Response: wow thank you im glad you liked it!!! Report Review
this is a really interesting idea for a story! I wonder if Scruffy, who I'm assuming to be Sirius, is a teenager or an adult. Either way, I cant wait to read more, update again soon! =]Author's Response: thank you and I shall be its all written down just need to type it ha ha ha:) Report Review
WitchyWoman here again!
I like the introduction of 'Scruffy' and am wondering what happened to him. Coraline's life on the streets is hard and you show that well. It is great that she can finally smile again.
The letter from her brother was a good addition and shows more of Coraline's family background.
This chapter had more grammar issues again. Letters should not be capitalized in the middle of the sentence unless they are proper nouns or the beginning of a quote. Example: "The Good thing..." should be "The good thing..." and there were a couple of other sentences like that. "Your to busy..." should be "You're too busy..." these are common mistakes that a grammar check should catch or a beta reader if you want to get one. "We humans philosophies and over analyze Everything" should be "We humans philosophize and over-analyze everything." Sorry if that is too picky, but if these things are fixed the reader has an easier time with the story.
The plot of the story is beginning to take shape. Coraline is now with Scruffy and is going to get a job. I am interested to know where she will work and what will happen in the future with this story. You have done a good job making readers interested and I think you can do great with future chapters.
I hope I wasn't too harsh and that it was helpful instead. Feel free to re-request with future chapters if you want!Author's Response: Not harsh in the least! Your reviews are helpful, I didn't even know over analyze was wrong, and I would never have noticed with out you. Report Review
WitchyWoman here again!
Another great chapter. You did a great job descibing the situation Coraline has put herself in and how she is dealing (or not dealing) with it. You have painted a good picture of how Coraline is looking now compared to before.
The grammar was good in this chapter and I didn't see anything that was distracting. The only thing I will say is to make sure that extra words are not capitalized when they shouldn't be--like in the first letter have should not be Have.
Who is the third letter written to? More mystery!! Great job!Author's Response: Your such a nice reviewer lol I shall recheck my grammar! Report Review
This prologue is very mysterious and I love it! Is her dream a premonition or is it just a dream? Does she feel a sense of helplessness over not being able to help her mother so she had the dream? I am sure we will find out!
There were some minor grammar issues in the beginning such as "it's depths filled with a sense of danger and hopelessness. All was quite" it's should be its and quite should be quiet. Little things like that that close reading should catch!
I am interested to see where you are going to go with this! Good job!Author's Response: This is such a sweet review!
Ahh grammar I fear I shall never rid my self of the mistakes, ha ha. Anyways it means so much to me that you enjoyed the chapter, thank you so much for taking time to review. Report Review
Interesting. I like it so far. And I hope you update it soon.Author's Response: Ha thank you I'm working on it :) Report Review
So I'm going to exclude the grammar section this time, because I think that it deserves a bit more than what can be said in a review. I really, really think you ought to try and look for a beta! I think it would really help you :)
I think your descriptions are making your story sound more cliche than it is. I do think this could be a good story, and you have a decent idea, you just need to develop your descriptions in order to give you story more depth!
“Vulnera Sanentur” Nice use of a more obscure spell!
I really stress that you could use a little help with your writing! You've got all the ideas I think you've just hit a few mishaps getting them down on paper!
A story with a lot of potential! :)Author's Response: Thank you so much, while I understand your point on descriptions my lack of depth is due mainly to the fact that this story is first person. Coraline, I don't believe, see's physical things in too much depth, the world for her is kind of dream like, almost unreal, so elaborate or even deep descriptions just seem not to fit well for the feel I'm going for, ha ha. Report Review
Hi! Here with your review :)
'The fool moon' Full moon?
'glimmered in in the moon'
'Coraline clutched her wand tight possessed and ready for the attack' clutched her wand tight, poised and ready for the attack?
I think you need to go back through and be a bit heavier with the commas! For example, 'bright happy smile' you need commas between your adjectives! :)
'The woman then preceded to manically smack' huh?
'Coraline rolled her eyes very much wanting to go back to bed, and was just to do so, when a loud crashing noise rang through out the house and all that could be heard sobbing, but it didn’t last long, for the man was soon up and yelling once more.' did you realise that this entire paragraph is just one big sentence! I think you need to split it up a little!
'riving in fury' Writhing in fury?
The grammatical and spelling error continue throughout this chapter. Perhaps you might want to seek out a beta just to cast a second critical eye over things. Sometimes it is just too hard to notice your own mistakes! I know it's hard for me to see my slip ups when I'm writing :)
I've always thought the name Coraline was charming! :)
You've set her up with a solid background! Good work.
In the first section in italics, I was a little, tiny bit unclear on what was happening. I think it might be because you introduced so many characters at once. Maybe if you either cut some characters out, or lengthened the section it would be clearer.
Oh and after that section leave a bit of a gap before you start with the rest of the story! Like section it off or something.
I think that you have a good level of description through the story (well done!) buttt, I think your description is very matter-of-fact. Be a bit more creative with the language you are using. Don't just give physical descriptions like you would when trying to identify a criminal, whip out a thesaurus and look up some pretty adjectives that you like! :)
The way you've done this (in choppy, short sections) is good. At least for a prologue. You've introduced enough for now and if you tidy things up a little this would make a great introduction! :)Author's Response: I've totally taken your advice, haha. I fixed my grammar up a bit and I must say I am now in slight love with my prologue. Thank you so much. Report Review
kirstenalanna from the forums with your review :)
The text in italics had a good jolt and enticement to it. I wanted to know who the characters were- which is the goal of the prologue. HOWEVER as I continued to read, it all became very shallow. A cliche girl whose parents are abusive, runs away etc, etc. woah is her. I know this story has potential- I saw it in the italisized text. It's just very shallow at the moment. I'd suggest getting rid of everything but italics, but add more descriptiona nd emotion to it to get it past the 500 word mark so you can validate it on its own.
very cliched. I've seen stuff like this before, and Ilike reading stories like this but the flow and description (lack thereof) and awkward jumpyness of it really turned me off.
i'd suggest taking out all the text (except for the first part in italics). From there, I'd add more varied sentence structures, stronger description (asnwer questions like who, what, wehre and why. what did it smell like? how did it feel? what emotions were in the air?) Then, I'd make the first chapter an introdcution to the character and her home life. Let us see how terrible it is. Don't tell us- show us.
hope that helps!
kirstenalannaAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for such a detailed response I'll get right on it! Report Review
update soon, favourites!Author's Response: thank you will do after nano :)
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