I love it. I love this song, and this plotline. Report Review
Well, that was a bit of a twist now wasn't it.
I really really liked it especially the song lyrics inbetween really matched Lunas feelings perfectly.
Awesome story ;)
(p.s sorry i haven't reviewed you fanfics or posted for a while chapter 5 is up and i would love it if you could review it for me :)) Love love love this! Report Review
Loved it! Song went perfectly with the plot! Sequel please!! :) Report Review
I really, really liked this. The song went good with it. The descriptions were very detailed. Great story. Report Review
I usually don't like the stories with songs in them but I really did love this one. you are right, the song White horse went well with it.Author's Response: I am the same way Katie, thanks so much! I thought White Horse went great with this story too! Report Review
I thought this was really good! Personally, I see right through JKR's Ginny/Harry shkebob, and follow the lovely Luna/Harry pairing! Well done on this! You've got a great talent for writing, and I hope you use that to your advantage later in life!
JessicaAuthor's Response: Thanks so much Jessica! I'm glad you liked it and I defiantly prefer Luna/Harry to Ginny/Harry as well. So, thanks again for your nice compliment. (: Report Review
I hope you are well. ^_^
First of all, I just want you to know that you're only my second song fic, so I hope you'll bear with me. ^_^ I do know Taylor Swift's White Horse though, and I must say that you've done a pretty good job with incorporating the tone of the song to this story and that's always good! Song fics are not really my cup of tea, to be honest, so I hope you won't mind if I limit my opinions on the song to that and focus on the narrative instead at this point.
Harry and Luna. While I can't say that I'm a fan of this pairing, I must admit that I don't really find them odd. I remember when Luna was first introduced in Order of the Phoenix, I wondered what JKR planned for her character and I remember sensing some possibly romantic aura at the end of the book when it was Luna who made Harry feel a little better about losing a loved one. My point is, I can understand the fascination with this pairing and I think it's really sweet that you've chosen to write about it. I was surprised, though, when I read it fully because I was rather expecting to see more of how their relationship developed and not how it faltered. So, this really is an unromanticized love story, yeah? Interesting. I guess that's part of the reason why this didn't really have that much impact on me when I read it. I mean, I haven't really read much about the two of them, so I needed convincing that their relationship actually worked before I could grasp the idea of them falling apart, you know? No worries. It's not your fault. Haha. I guess I just need to explore the archives more. ^_^
Let's move on to the critique then, shall we? I noticed a lot of technical errors on this story that sort of distracted me a little as I was reading this. I saw some of the other reviews you have and a couple of them pointed some out already like shifting tenses, typographical errors (i.e. your instead of you're), some grammar slip ups etc. and I'm sure you know them by now, right? I also noticed that you had this beta'd already, so maybe you can suggest for your beta to focus on those points next time? Just so you won't make the same errors in your future stories and future edits. I'd also like to add that you tend to write your dialogues incorrectly. We don't end declarative sentences with periods when they are meant to convey spoken words, especially when they are followed by the pattern pronoun/noun + action verb meaning said. We use comma instead. For example, this line right here:
"No." she said firmly, still with that dreamlike tone. --> This should be:
"No," she said firmly, still with that dreamlike tone. --> Only applicable to periods, though. We retain the question marks and the exclamation points. ^_^
I must be honest. I also found your characterizations a little off. While I was glad to see that you've written Luna differently and I was really interested with how you portrayed her being hurt and you showed us how she reacted to things like boys cheating on her, how she hadled a betrayal from a friend and all, I thought you delved too much into her girly side that we sort of lost the Luna that we've all grown to love. I missed the quirky, eccentric Luna. Her reactions, while normal and understandable for most girls that age, were rather bland for Luna. And Ginny... well, she didn't really say much, yeah? But I suppose that she would at least say something. I can understand that Ginny had enough sense and conscience to feel guilty about doing something like that to a friend, but she seemed a little off as well. My biggest concern, though, was your version of Harry. Do you really think he could do something like that? Alright, I'm willing to cut him some slack and understand that he was probably just conflicted and reacted on impulse when he cheated on Luna, but the part when he tried to kiss her to gain her favour back - that bothered me. I mean, Harry's rubbish with girls and for him to do that was so unlike the Harry portrayed in the books in my opinion. Please note that it's just my personal opinion, so no offense, my dear. But I do suggest you think about the characters next time. ^_^
To be fair though, I did enjoy the dramatic scenes. Teehee. And I must say, your descriptions were not too bad as well. There were really good lines in here, some parts where you combined your words really well that I didn't find it hard to imagine the setting and what the scenes looked like inside my mind, so well done! Yay! And that part where Ginny was, what was it? Preoccupied with the nonexistent interesting creature outside. --> This line made me laugh. :P
Over all, I enjoyed reading this. One of the reasons really why I decided to open a review thread is to be able to read stories like yours - you know, the ones that I won't normally read if you leave me to my own devices. Haha. I tend to focus on a particular genre and paring when I browse through the archives and I think I'm missing a lot of good stories by doing that, so thank you for requesting on my thread. *hugs* And that's it for me. Keep writing and keep improving! I'll see you around! ^_^
PS. I know it took me forever to give you this review and I really don't have any excuses to offer to explain my tardiness. Please accept my sincerest apologies. *puppy dog eyes*Author's Response: Holy cow. You wrote so much, i feel like I have to write so much back! Haha. Firstly,thanks so much for reading and reviewing. This is by FAAR the best review I have ever recieved.
Also, you have really helped me alot and I'm glad you don't think this is total rubbish. A few people had told me Harry is not like himself but thats how I wanted it t6o be, just to kind of mix it up a bit. And for Luna I didn't really know how she would react to a situition like this. At first I had her freaking out but eveyone said that was nothing like her so I decied to maybe make her question the possibly that Harry was actually kissing Ginny. :P If that makes any sense at all.
Anyways, thanks so much and no worries I'm a paitent person. (: Report Review
ehh? i was kinda nuetral, i love the idea of harryt and luna, but when harry cheats on luna... why would u want to, ginny doesn't even look nearly as pretty as luna, i thin k, still , love a good drama, and nice job with the choice of music, i have to download tht to my iPod :)Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! (: I'm glad you liked it. Report Review
Hi! It's Livingfairytale from the forums with your requested review. Here we go!
It's hard for me to judge about this story, because I have never read a story with Harry/Luna as a (main) pairing, but I must admit that I quite like this. It was new, refreshing and even a bit sad. I think the song fits really well with the story. (and it's one of my favourite Taylor Swift songs! xD)
Your plot is really original; it took a turn I didn't expect. Your characterization is pretty good as well. We always see Luna as a happy, dreamy girl; but every person has an 'other' side. In my opinion, you did a really good job. I am a huge fan of happy endings, but this story just needed an unhappy ending.
So, keep up the great work! If you ever want me to review another story, feel free to request in my thread again. I think you really have the potential to become a good writer.
-- LivingfairytaleAuthor's Response: Oh my gosh! Thank you so much for your fantablous review! ;) Hehe. Anyways, I'm really glad you liked it, and it makes me feel so special that you think I have the potential to become a good writer! (: So thanks again! Report Review
Hiii, awwe that's so sad :( I never really read Harry/Luna, I always thought it was a cute idea though, but I like how you've kept it somewhat canon with the whole Ginny thing. I also really liked how you used the song, which made it more awesome cause I know it!! I didn't even realise it was this song till halfway through, hehe. It was cuute, good job, luv. :P xAuthor's Response: Oh my gosh! Thanks so much for your great review and for taking the time to read. Harry/Luna is my favorite couple to read about so i figured I would make it into a story! Anyways, I'm glad you liked it! Check out my other stories too when you get the chance. (: Report Review
I enjoyed this. Sweet, and sad. 10/10Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review and great rating! (: Report Review
i didnt like this much because i allways thought that luna was a happy girl not one that criedAuthor's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing. Im sorry you felt that way... maybe this is a new side of Luna. (; Report Review
It was very difficult for me to get through, but only because i don't read this pairing. You did fine actually. Characterization is good if not great, plot line intriguing, grammar- nothing noticeable to me but thats not my area of expertise. See I am very judgemental to what i like to read, and to be honest i realy put up my review thread to read more things outside my comfort zone, for lack of better term. It has been working because i get to read all these great stories. So just because it was difficult for me to get through doesn't not mean i hate it. It means that i really need to keep reading to get a feel for it. Keep up the good work.Author's Response: Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! It really means alot to me. (: Report Review
There were a lot of grammar mistakes here, including two words like "of course" and "each other" used as one instead of two, tense switches, and spelling errors, even with Harry's own name. You also forgot sometimes that when a new character speaks you need to create a new paragraph. I recommend getting a beta over at the forums, which is someone who will proofread your story for exactly those things. You can request one in a separate part of the Help Needed section. I know you said to ignore the spelling mistakes in your AN but honestly a neat story will catch a lot more readers. Writers that use proper grammar and spelling show that they care for their story and gain much more respect.
The thing that was confusing about this story was that you mentioned at the beginning Luna and Harry were a couple, but then the way you described them after Slughorn's party made it sound like they weren't a couple yet. So I assumed they weren't together throughout Luna's shouting match, but then when she said he'd cheated on her I realized you intended the reader to know they'd been in a relationship. That whole idea could use a little clearing up.
The actual idea of the story was good, it fit in with Taylor Swift's song nicely as the plot developed. I also liked Luna's biting line, "Please Harry, save your lips for Ginny Weasley."
~lllbAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! I think I'am deffently going to fix up the grammar now because almost every reveiw has said so. So, thanks! (: Anyways, i understand what you mean about the beging I will try to clear that up too. |
Welll... i hope you like it a bit?
~Autumn Report Review
That was fantastic! I love Luna and Harry together. Personally, there the best non-actual pariing. If that made any sense... Any who, back to your story.
I loved the song you chose it matches perfectly. The plot line is kind of iffy, it needs to make me bealive this actually happened. Your grammar/spelling sucks. (sorry)
So just work on those things and this fic will be a masterpiece. Whacth out for 'Izzy' (me) i will be reviewing your other fanfictions. When I get an account I will be sure to let you know! (:
xo... IzzyAuthor's Response: Thanks for reviewing!! (: Report Review
Waaahhh. ;D, awesome! I love how Luna doesn't forgive him, as personally I think the girls in stories forgive the guys much too easily. : )
Love how you included the song! : ), & yeah, it really does go well with the story.
Brilliant!Author's Response: Thansk for reading and reviewing. I didn't want luna to forgive Harry, soo... yah. (: Report Review
here to review!
okay, i think you have something interesting here, but what i would like to see is their relationship explored some more. it seems to quick - the whole introduction into them being together and then, suddenly, harry is cheating on her. i didn't understand how that happened. there is space to move with this relationship - luna is an odd ball, off center person and harry has been someone on the margins his whole existence. i think it is plausible that they would have some things in common but to make this ship truly believable, you have to work on making the reader feel like they actually belong together, that there is a deeper reason for them to be together.
on your characterisation - i didn't really feel any of them were truly in character. it is ok to stray from canon (goodness knows I've done it enough myself) but you need to make that realistic. for instance, i can't imagine harry cheating on any girl, even if he doesn't really like/love her. he is too noble for that. also, luna didn't seem very luna-ish. ive never written her so i can't tell you what you need to do there, but she fell a little bit flat as a character. i didn't expect her to be flaming mad or anything, because that is not her, but i expected something different from her. maybe something a little more obscure? i don't know if that is the answer either.
ginny also didn't seem right - she'd be cross at harry, i'm sure, but there was none of that from her. she needs more fire. she'd likely hex harry and then give over to her guilt.
ok spelling and grammar really need some work. it was distracting to read sometimes, and you need to work on the formatting of the fic. spaces between paragraphs is necessary when reading on the computer screen (i believe) and whenever someone new speaks, a new line needs to be given to them, so the reader does not lose track of who is speaking.
i felt also that the narrative voice could use some work - i didn't feel much authority from the narrator/s. this is supposed to be third-person omniscient isn't it? which can be hard to maintain.
i thought the song was really nice and did work well with the piece and overall, like i said, there is the basis for something really solid here.
i hope some of that helped and i wasn't too harsh. i always try to be constructive!
Maji xxAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for the reveiw, I love get long ones! (:
I had a hard time thinking up how Luna would react, i didn't really know how she would. As for Ginny i wanted her to not be like herself because i always thought that Ginny was just a pity friend to Luna. As for Harry, now that you mention it he IS to noble, but I needed something to get this story going... At first it was just going to be a song fic about what happened after slughorns party but instead of luna catches Harry and Ginny it was going to be ginny catching harry and luna. But i thought that was a bit, blah. But thats so much for the review. (:
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