Honestly, I wasn't too sure about this story when I first started reading. I have thoroughly enjoyed it thus far, though. Your style is beautiful and consistent. The characters are very interesting - and Albus is, of course, intriguing. This story really keeps me wanting to read. I wasn't going to review because I don't really have anything to say that would help you improve as this is already an excellent story.
Thanks for writing it, I intend to keep on reading until the end.Author's Response: Thanks so much! Chapter five is submitted already, and its way long (more than 4000 words) so I hope you enjoy that one! Thanks so much for taking the time to review I really, really appreciate it! Report Review
I love this! I'm so glad your back Sally, from your hiatus. I can't wait for you to get back on TDA again! :D This story is amazing so far, and- I replied to your review on my story x) next gen is my next fave ships to read :) I'm writing one now actually! :D Albus Potter is a doll. omnomnom. Anyways :P I was happy to hear from you! thanks for my banner ;)
~~Vee~~Author's Response: Oh my gosh thanks for reviewing! I got back into Surprise and I hope it turns out alright. Thanks for reading! Report Review
This is really complicated!
I don't get it either! But it's kind of creepy!
What is it with this room? What will happen to Scorpiius? Why did he drown in the past? And How will this affect the future?
All these questions will stay unanswered for a while I think...
Well, and I'm glad that you are planning to update soon!
Waiting for the next chapter !Author's Response: Scorpius is fine...for now. There is no reason why he drowned, specifically, I just needed Lily to save his life to put the story into motion. I know it's confusing - but it'll all come out eventually and make sense :) Report Review
Huh? Did Scorpius really drown? What's going on?
But the scene in the carriage was nice! I really liked it and I wouldn't have thought that Al would be thinking such thinks :)
But well I am anxious about how it will go on, so this review is a bit short...the next one will hopefully be a bit longer !Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing this chapter! I'm glad you're questioning because it shows I've gotten your interest yes! Report Review
The beginning is really great, I think!
I just hope, that her dream about James and Albus won't come true! Or at least that he won't say the wohle spell!
Well now I'll read the next two chapters and hopefully ther will be an update, soon!Author's Response: There really ought to be an update soon, this story is a novel (in theory) and I am writing it furiously, I'm just not writing it in order. So I've finished the middle, now I'm just working on the start and the end :) Hope you come back when it is updated :) Report Review
Rachel is starting to freak me out. Locking up her best friend in a room that is potentially cursed? Not caring about a fellow student who died? On top of being able to hear minds? I’m starting to get heebie-jeebies. It also seems almost OOC for her as she has all these moralistic dilemmas about reading other people’s minds but does it sometimes (well I guess more with just Albus) and seemed to have lived a closeted life. I don’t know. I’m a bit confused about her.
Ah! That’s more like the Lily I feel I know (which I don’t as she wasn’t even written about in JKR’s books but that’s unimportant here)! Going back in time to save someone, even if it is a Malfoy—that’s Harry Potter’s daughter! :)
Can I say that I love that this story has a plot? Not knocking any other stories I’ve read at all but a lot of the time the focus is on boy gets girl (mine included!) and not necessarily a good ol’fashioned mystery/thriller like this. I also love the stuff about time travel you put in here! It seems like you were really thinking this through with the whole “what if I went back in time and killed my grandfather thing” (though that’s a bit gloomy to think about).
I like your explanation of the “Life Debt charm”. It sort of sums up Harry and Pettigrew quite well doesn’t it? And it makes for an interesting plot device!
I hadn’t even thought about the fact that Rachel remembered Scorpius’ death! I like how you’re keeping track of everything here!
Do you like Doctor Who by chance?
I am really liking this story and am going to keep track of it! I really do want to know what’s going to happen next! When is James and Albus going to get in a fight? When will Albus acknowledge Rachel’s existence? When will the Life Debt charm come into play for Scorpius and Lily? Oh the possibilities!
xCharAuthor's Response: Thank you for another fantastic review! Rachel's character is meant to make you sort of question -'Is she the villian here? Is she...kind of evil?" She has these strange, 'evil' urges and then questions herself, why do I think like that? It gets explained later, but it's not the most important thing in the story. Her charcateristics is to do with the main thing, but not so much. Aurgh it's so hard to explain without giving lots away!!
Yay, plot!! Actually, it's really made it difficult to write. I'm having so much trouble getting chapter four out, because I have lots of plots going on, that all interact with each other, and I don't know when to introduce the different elements. I don't want readers to think some plots come out of nowhere. They have to be set up, but how soon is too soon to set them up? That's the main problem I'm having with this story.
Aurghhh anyway...I LOVE doctor who, how did you know? This novel is mostly inspired by Vampire Diaries though. But no vampires.
Thank you for the review so much and I'm so sorry I prattled on!! I hope to keep contact with you on the forum and I'll keep reviewing your stories also! Report Review
Rachel is written quite well here in this beginning part of the chapter. The bits about her growing up feeling very over-protected and the difference she sees living with the Potters’ helps to provide a contrast and show how she’s expanding as a person.
This chapter feels like it has a lot more detail to it and I feel more part of the story here. Your description of Rachel’s ability is simple yet enough that I understand what you’re talking about. I myself was a little freaked out when Albus was thinking “Hi” to Rachel! That, to me, showed how clever Albus is, though we really don’t know anything about him yet.
This line “She had a wonderful father and was always comparing suitors to him” is a bit awkward sounding. You’re pretty modern in the rest of your writing but this kind of takes you back to the 19th century.
I felt that scene between Rachel and Albus in the middle of the night was a bit abrupt. Like wouldn’t he be more confrontational? I don’t know, maybe that’s not the type of guy he is but I feel like someone who so far seems smart and a bit suspicious would be instantly on his guard with her and take the offensive.
Wow. Um, that’s a bit unemotional in the end. Would Lily Potter really not try to do anything to help someone out? Even if he was Scorpius Malfoy? It also seems quite cold of Rachel.
Other than that bit at the end, I do like how you’ve portrayed Rachel. She’s insecure, she’s got hidden depths and she has dreams just like every other girl but in her own unique way. All the back story parts you put in here were enough to develop the character but also not give everything away so we lose interest. Overall, well written!Author's Response: Thank you for another long review!
Albus is supposed to be very clever, but still quite flawed. He's extremely shy and especially has trouble talking to girls, so Rachel ebing a mind-reader (so he doens't necessarily have to talk) is meant to seem like the perfect match for him, the obvious choice - but will they be together? Hmm.
The scene between Rachel and Albus is pretty random, and I wanted Albus to seem really weird and shy, btu still interesting to Rachel. She wants to get to know him better.
I know 'suitor' is a weird word, but it's one I use a lot. I don't know why, it just seems kind of funny and silly to me, and I like the idea of Rachel having weird thoughts like that.
Rachel's coldness will be explained later on. It's all to do with who her 'real' parents are, not to give to much away. Lily is only a fifteen (sixteen? I can't exactly remember, I'll definetly figure that out) and needs to realise she's not necessarily powerless. I think she often thinks she can't do anything, because when she has a vision, she can't change the future, so that translates to her everyday life and she feels she can't acheive much. It's going to be a learning curve for her.
Thanks for the review so much!! It's really lovely to receive reviews! Report Review
Char here from the Forums with our review swap! :)
I was a little confused. Longbottom didn’t use the Sorting Hat for Rachel? Isn’t that against tradition or something? I can understand the practicality of it all but then it kind of makes less of the Sorting Hat, you know?
I really like the dynamic between James and Lily. Your dialogue fits perfectly in with brother-and-sister relationships. Also you characterizing James as someone who isn’t the all-around-good-at-everything guy is refreshing to see. He’s not perfect, he’s even a bit of a loser but he’s likeable.
You have a good feel for putting just enough detail with what the characters are doing in this first part here that one doesn’t just think that they’re just standing there talking but I feel you could elaborate more, make them move around putting shoes on or something, just so it isn’t just dialogue between Rachel and Lily.
I’m REALLY liking your premise here! ESP abilities AND magic! That’s cool! And makes me want to go see X-Men: First Class this weekend…Author's Response: Thank you for such a detailed review! The not-being-sorted thing was just to add mystery to Rachel's character - we don't know her definite characteristics and which house she belongs to. Personally, she's probably a slytherin.
Thank you for liking James' character! He's one of the main characters in this novel, so I'm glad he's likeable. He finds what he's meant to do in his life and developes into a mature man later on.
Thanks for the review again!! You're inspiring me to keep writing this story! Report Review
Oh I love this story so far! Please write more soon! XxAuthor's Response: Thank you!! I am trying hard to write it up, I want it to be good. Report Review
Woah! This whole story has got weird and confusing, it's like the da vinci code! :L Ok, bit extreme, but I am loving the time travel. Mind reading, dream prophecys, time travel, freaky rooms, possible murder, loved up couples... You name it, this story has it, and it's all good.
Very intrigued as to why Scorpius is in it, and the life debt charm... I see a possible Lily/Scorpius pairing coming up? Interested to see how that plays out. Along with the Seer-ness of Lily, this is becoming a great tension building story - you really gripped me and I can't wait to read more. Characterisation was good, and I like the mixed view point approach, it added more interest to the story.
Well done on those made up textbooks too! They sounded really professional, you could imagine them actually being used.
Now, it would appear that Albus is going to get with Rachel? Curious considering my earlier review, although I'm probably over-analysising. Or maybe Albus wants to kill James because he got it on with Rachel? Who knows!
To improve, just look at spelling and grammar. There were a couple of places where there were a few errors, although to me they looked more like typos than anything else.
Alll in all a great story, really looking forward to the next couple of chapters! 9/10 :DAuthor's Response: This review is like...exactly what I wanted to hear. The exact thing I'm aiming for! Rachel and Albus...and James...it all works out rather interestingly, I think. Can't give too much away. I do hope you'll keep reading it, it's the most plot-heavy story I've ever written, there are a lot of story lines going on, but hopefully they all tie together nicely. Report Review
Oooh, interesting! (: loving the new "extra-powers", very exciting. I like the way you have taken existing powers but elaborated them so there is a possibility they could exist but were simply not put into the books. It makes them much more real, not like some stories which invent some wild and crazy non-existant new powers that are obviously made up. Plus, I love the medical terms, they sound just like proper conditions! Can't wait to see what these powers entail.
I also really liked the beginning; dramatic, but in character! In fact, the characterisation throughtout is really good. I might be slightly in love with James already! The whole James/Lily interaction is really funny, and I thought Rachel and he hit it off pretty well... ;D
It flows well, impressive considering it is mainly speech, which can sound a bit stop-start. If I had to give you something to improve on it would be the double exclamtion marks at the beginning... pet peeve of mine!
Apart from that (admittedly minor flaw, I know!) it's a brillant opening chapter, hope the rest of the story is just as nice! 9/10 (:Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing! James and Rachel...you may have picked up on something there. Maybe. I'm glad you liked the James/Lily interaction, I don't have any brothers so I had to imagine what sister/brother teasing would be like, but I think it turned out okay. I'll get onto the exclamation marks right away, they are unecessary. Report Review
Wow this is super amazing so far!
I love it and i can tell the story line is gunna be a gripper :D
Please keep writinggg
LauraAuthor's Response: Thank you! I'm enjoying writing it, it's cool to kind of push the bounderies of magic in the story. Thanks so much for reviewing! Report Review
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